“Oh, I’m coming, Flo. I’m coming. I’ve got to see the Ram From Hell, if nothing else. He’s getting famous, you know?”
The Brillo Legends
Bad, Baaaad, Brillo
Paula Goodlett
J.D. came in the door laughing like a maniac. Flo looked up to see him waving a rough-looking piece of paper at her.
“What’s so funny?” Flo asked. “I haven’t heard you laugh like that in a while.”
J.D., gasping for breath, handed Flo the sheet of paper. “Remember when you saw Cora the other day? It seems someone overheard you telling her about that ram and his exploits. This was making the rounds all over town today. You and that miserable excuse for a ram are famous!”
Flo looked down at the sheet, saw the drawing and read the first few lines. The further she read, the more she blushed. “Oh, no, please, no. Tell me this is a joke, J.D. Please let this be a joke.”
The top of the sheet had two drawings. One was of a ram with beautiful wool. The other, well, the wool wasn’t beautiful. The title was:
B-A-A-A-D, B-A-A-A-D BRILLO
Flo was pretty sure that no ram in history came with that kind of equipment.
* * *
Just who does this fur-ball think he is? Brillo thought. Those wimmen are mine. I’m the one who’s been here. I’m the one they’ve all been making up to. I’m the one they cuddled up to after the shearing. I’m the one who put up with all the hormone surges. What makes him think he can strut in here and take over?
Of all the people in the Richards-Sprug-Schmidt-Utt household, only one was unhappy. In fact, I’m not just unhappy, thought Brillo. I’m well and truly, to the bottom of my heart PISSED OFF!!!
“Umm . . . Johan, do think he’s going to hurt himself doing that?” Flo asked. “Throwing himself against the fence that way looks like it would hurt pretty badly. He actually shook the corner post that time.”
“He vill be okay, Flo. He is yust mad. He can smell zat ze breeding season has begun. Ve do not need him, now. I vill zee if zomeone vants him. If not, I vill check vit ze Grange, to zee if zey need him.” Johan was not sentimental about his stock.
“Gee, Johan, I kind of hate to get rid of him. He was our only hope for a while. I know it’s silly to be sentimental, but he’s really not awful . . .” Flo’s voice trailed away, as she and Johan turned to walk away.
* * *
Wool, wool, that’s all they think about. What about stamina? What about vigor? That hair-ball over there would fall over dead before he could walk half the distance I could. There’s nothing to him but hair. Brillo knew what was coming. He was being deposed.
First they’ll see if anyone wants me, then they’ll send me away. Worst of all they might turn me into . . . NOOOOOOO!!!! I’d rather go to the butcher! Brillo continued to ram the weak spot of the fence.
* * *
Hours later, in the dark of night, the fence finally gave up. Brillo stomped away.
I’m getting’ some before I leave, he was determined. I’m gettin’ some and then I’m headin’ north. North to where a sheep can live free. North where they can’t take my wool, my wimmen or my lambs.
Spying one of the furry ewes away from the flock, Brillo bounded over and satisfied himself.
“Thank you, ma’am,” he baaed as he sauntered away. “Very nice of you, I’m sure.”
As he stalked away, Brillo began to get sleepy. Blearily, he looked at the sky. “Which way is north?” he wondered.
When Brillo Met Annie
Stanley Leghorn
Brillo jerked to full wakefulness. Something was making the ewes nervous and they were bleating and moving away from the back of the fence. Brillo shouldered his way through the shifting crowd and looked, listened and smelled. It was the smell that told him what had upset his ladies.
Stupid yapper, if he’s in here I’ll smack him into the back of the house, I swear I will! No one bothers my wimmen but ME!
The canine was not in the pen, but traveling past it on the way towards the woods with something in its jaws. Flo had described Brillo’s many faults: Destructive, greedy, Destructive, pig headed, Destructive, sneaky, Destructive, arrogant and did she mention Destructive? The one thing she had, grudgingly, praised him for was being a good family ram. And having the tremendous personal courage that job required.
Brillo slammed into a part of the fence he had tested earlier for just such an event. The section pulled up out of the ground and Brillo squirmed under, leaving a bunch of scruffy fur behind. Da lady don’t like my fleece anywho, he thought. But, he swiftly set off in pursuit. As he got closer, he was surprised to hear a soft feminine voice berating the canine: “Put me DOWN! I do not taste good and you are ripping me! Stop this before you get in more trouble!” But not so surprised that he failed to lower his head and go to ram speed as he got close.
* * *
“Ooh, NOW you are going to get it!” exclaimed the voice. The small canine, little more than a cub, looked over his shoulder and yelped in fright. The warning was enough for him to get MOSTLY out of the way. But mostly is not the same as all, and Brillo shifted his attack as much as possible to make it as much as possible. The result was a glancing blow to the tail which sent the pup flying. When the pup landed, he leapt to his feet with a yip of pain and saw Brillo turning around for another pass.
His mother had told him that discretion was the better part of valor in a failed attack such as this one, and he became rapidly discrete, all the way to the woods, yipping in pain each time his hind legs hit the ground.
* * *
Brillo slowed as he saw his victim in full flight, and stopped near where he had hit the pup. “Snort! Don’ come back, ya stoopid yapper!”
Brillo was about to head back to the pen when the voice said, “Thank you ever so much for saving me, Brillo!” Brillo quickly looked around but could see no one. “Who dat?”
“My name is Annie, I belong to Johan’s daughters.” Brillo peered down at the ground. There indeed was the doll he had seen before, when the daughters had been out playing near the pen. “How come you never talked afore?” asked Brillo.
“It is part of the Guild rules, we have to listen to people and children, but we can talk to animals,” replied Annie, who was mournfully holding her left leg in her arms.
“Stoopid hooman rules, humph! Well, I gotta get back te my wimmen. They don’ feel safe witout me.”
“Oh, please, do not leave me out here in the field! Please, PLEASE take me back to the house where I can be found!”
“Why? I gots family te watch and take care of.”
“I know, but it will only take a few minutes for you to run me over there. You run so fast, I bet you could go it in less time than it takes to squirm back into the pen. Besides, a good deed is its own reward.”
Brillo puffed himself up with pride. “Yah, I will take ya.” Leaning over, he grabbed the doll in his mouth, growling about the horrible doggy aftertaste. Quickly he went to the back porch and tossed the doll onto it.
“Satisfied?” Getting no answer, Brillo repeated, “I said sat,”
Brillo stood like a sheep in a headlight. Only in this case it was a flood light. He heard the door open.
“You MONSTER! Johan, tomorrow we have mutton! This is the last straw! Ripping up your daughter’s doll!”
Johan and J.D. were scanning the woods edge. Johan bent over to pick up the doll and his nose flared open. Brillo had an easily identified scent. As did dog. “Where is the wolf now, eh?”