"I don't know if you want to hear this. But I've been waiting to say it
for longer than I can stand, and so I'm going to be selfish. And I don't
know how to. Not well."
"Is it something I'll want to hear?"
"I don't know. I hope ... I ... Gods. Here. When you left, I missed you
worse than I'd expected. I was sick with it. Physically ill. I thought I
should be patient. I thought it would pass. And then I noticed that I
seemed to miss you most in the early mornings. You understand?"
She looked Otah deep in the eye, and he frowned, trying to find some
deeper significance in the words. And then he did, and he felt the world
drop away from tinder him. He took a pose of query, and she replied with
a confirmation.
"Ah," he said and then sat, utterly at a loss. After ten or twenty
breaths, Kiyan spoke again.
"The midwife thinks sometime around Candles Night. Maybe a lit tle
after. So you see, I knew there was no avoiding the issue, not as long
as I was carrying a baby with your blood in it. I went to Amiit-cha and
we ... he, really ... put things in motion."
"There are blood teas," Otah said.
"I know. The midwife offered them to me. Would you ... I mean, is that
what you would have wanted?"
"No! Only I ... I'd thought you wouldn't give up what you had. Your
father's wayhouse. I don't know that I have much of a life to give you.
I was a dead man until a little before dawn today. But if you want ..."
"I wouldn't have left the wayhouse for you, 'Tani. It's where I grew up.
It's my home, and I wouldn't give it up for a man. Not even a good man.
I made that decision the night you told me who your father was. But for
the both of you. Or really, even just for her. That's a harder question."
"Her?"
"Or him," Kiyan said. "Whichever. But I suppose that puts the decision
in your hands now. The last time I saw you, I turned you out of my
house. I won't use this as a means of forcing you into something you'd
rather not. I've made my choice, not yours."
Perhaps it was the fatigue or the wine, but it took Otah the space of
two or three breaths to understand what she was saying. lie felt the
grin draw hack the corners of his mouth until they nearly ached.
"I want you to be with me, Kiyan-kya. I want you to always be with me.
And the baby too. If I have to flee to the Westlands and herd sheep, I
want you both with me."
Kiyan breathed in deeply, and let the breath out with a rough stutter.
He hadn't seen how unsure she'd been until now, when the relief relaxed
her face. She took his hand and squeezed it until he thought both of
their bones were creaking.
"That's good. That's very good. I would have been . . ." laughter
entered her voice ". . . very disappointed."
A knock at the door startled them both. The commander opened the door
and then glanced from one of the laughing pair to the other. His face
took a stern expression.
"You told him," Sinja said. "You should at least let the man rest before