at him.
"So he's gotten to you, has he?" she asked, her voice gray as ashes.
"No one's gotten to me. If Adrah had wanted me to bray like a mule and
paint my face like a whore's before he'd take me to you, I'd have been a
stranger sight than this."
And, almost as if it was against her will, Idaan laughed. Not long, and
not deep, hardly more than a faint smile and a fast exhalation, but it
was there. Cehmai stepped in and pulled her body to his. He felt her
start to push him back, hesitate, and then her cheek was pressed to his,
her hair filling his breath with its scent. He couldn't say if the tears
between them were hers or his or both.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you go? Why didn't you come to me?"
"I couldn't," she said. "There was ... there's too much."
"I love you, Idaan. I didn't say it before because it wasn't true, but
it is now. I love you. Please let me help."
Now she did push him away, holding one arm out before her to keep him at
a distance and wiping her eyes with the sleeve of the other.
"Don't," she said. "Don't say that. You ... you don't love me, Cehmai.
You don't love me, and I do not love you."
"Then why are we weeping?" he asked, not moving to dry his own cheek.
"Because we're young and stupid," she said, her voice catching. "Because
we think we can forget what happens to things that I care for."
"And what's that?"
"I kill them," she said, her voice soft and choking. "I cut them or I
poison them or I turn them into something wrong. I won't do that to you.
You can't be part of this, because I won't do that to you."
Cehmai didn't step toward her. Instead, he pulled back, walked to the
edge of the garden and looked out over the city. The scent of flowers
and forge-smoke mixed. "You're right, Idaan-kya. You won't do that. Not
to me. You couldn't if you tried."
"Please," she said, and her voice was near him. She had followed. "You
have to forget me. Forget what happened. It was ..."
"Wrong?"
For a breath, he waited.
"No," she said. "Not wrong. But it was dangerous. I'm being married in a
few days time. Because I choose to be. And it won't be you on the other
end of the cord."
"Do you want me to support Adrah for the Khai's chair?"
"No. I want you to have nothing to do with any of this. Go home. Find
someone else. Find someone better."
"I can love you from whatever distance you wish-"
"Oh shut up," Idaan snapped. "Just stop. Stop being the noble little boy
who's going to suffer in silence. Stop pretending that your love of me
started in anything more gallant than opening my robes. I don't need
you. And if I want you ... well, there are a hundred other things I want
and I can't have them either. So just go."
He turned, surprised, but her face was stony, the tears and tenderness
gone as if they'd never been.
"What are you trying to protect me from?" he asked.