“Are you sure you don’t want bacon?” my mom’s voice trailed up after me.
“Ha-ha,” I yelled back down to her and ran into the bathroom, shutting the door on her giggles.
I pulled into Claire’s old parking space.
Everyone looked as if they had just seen a ghost, but when they recognized me through the window, they went on with their lives as before. I sat there for a few minutes, not getting out, not playing with the gigantic megastereo that was still in her car, though the buttons looked pretty tempting. I was feeling the difference between now and all the other times I had sat in that car. And it wasn’t just because I was no longer a passenger; Claire had let me practice driving plenty of times.
Now it was just plain lonely.
I flicked the vanilla-roma freshener with my finger, watching it sway, and thought of all the times Claire and I drove around for something to do. It was always the three of us: me, Claire, and this car. There were nights in winter when we rolled the windows down, with the heat going full blast, and anyone who witnessed us singing our lungs out as we drove up and down the streets must have thought we were crazy. I guess a part of me was hoping a piece of that would still be here, embedded in the leather seats, that the memories of Claire would hit me so hard as soon as I sat in the driver’s seat that it would be like the old times were still here, strong enough to go on and last forever. I’d never have to miss her. But it wasn’t the same. She was gone.
I closed my eyes and soon the vanilla scent floating around me was sickening. It was letting another crushing reality hit me and it hit me hard. I pictured sitting in a different car, the same boxy shape, but with an entirely different aroma filling me. His car. His scent.
A second loss. It was more than I could bear. I got out and locked the door behind me, not turning back to look at the car that was now mine as I walked into school.
Thousands of words floated through the halls, thousands of voices, and yet it was only a splintering silence that I heard. My feet walked, preprogrammed, from class to class where I feigned interest and did what was expected of me. It was the end of the last period and Garreth was still a no-show.
Some surprise.
I was instantly reminded of that day when I couldn’t find him anywhere. I had felt all jittery and panic-stricken.
My heart had pounded uncontrollably at the very thought of running into him, and when I didn’t, the pounding in my chest grew unbearable.
All I could think about now was hearing the last bell ring and making a bolt to the car that I still couldn’t bring myself to take ownership of yet.
My car.
That just sounded too weird.
As the bell rang, I rose from my seat and in a cheerless daze headed out into the hall, the wanting-to-bolt feeling seeping out of me with each step. Rounding the corner, I headed to the end of the hall to a row of metal lockers, absentmindedly turning the round combination wheel until I heard the lock open with a click.
My week-old gym clothes were in a bag stuffed into the bottom, and as I reached down to grab them, it occurred to me that I was no longer alone. I pulled my head out of my locker the instant I noticed a body behind me, wearing a great pair of faded blue jeans.
My heart pounded. It was just like Garreth to make me sweat it out for the day and then show up, knowing I’d cave and forgive him.
“Is this my surprise…?”
I ended up getting a real surprise as I looked up into Ryan’s brown eyes. I cringed and wanted to back into my locker. Whatever he had to say to me couldn’t be good. Not after the last time I saw him.
“Hi, Teagan.”
I was stunned for a few seconds. He was being civil?
“You’re not mute all of a sudden, are you?” A wide grin spread across his face, bringing out very deep dimples. He was actually pretty cute.
Eew! What am I thinking?
“I’m sorry. Are we having a conversation here?” I turned back to my locker and pulled my backpack out.
“Well, I’d like to if you’d give me the chance.” He leaned against the next locker, waiting patiently for me to come around.
I slammed my locker shut. “Fine. What do you want?”
He let his gaze wander out into the constant momentum of the hall then reeled it back in, studying the shuffling of one of his sneakers against the other. I was growing impatient.
“I’m sorry, Teagan. I’m sorry I was such a jerk. I still can’t remember what got into me.”
I thought back to when I had truly feared him, to when I knew him as scary and intimidating, to when the predictable wall between us had crumbled and a lot of terrible questions were left in its place. But now I was looking into the face of a boy, not the same boy he used to be. He was different now. Like me.
It occurred to me that he might not be at fault. He probably didn’t even know what happened.
“I’m sorry I accused you…” I responded.
“S’okay. Like I said, I was a jerk.”
People were staring now as they walked past us. First, I show up at school in Claire’s car, and now I’m in a quiet conversation with her old boyfriend. I knew what it looked like but I didn’t quite care.
Ryan let out a deep sigh. “Teagan, I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be anymore.” He gave me a weary smile. “I really miss her. I can’t begin to tell you what it feels like, I can only say that it seems like hell.”
I leaned my head against the locker and smiled back.
“Trust me, I understand.”
Ryan was staring off again, dealing with the ghosts in his head. I knew all too well what he was feeling, and not just about Claire. I would soon be hit with this feeling all over again when Garreth leaves me. It had been building itself up in me for days now, preparing me, but it still hurt.
“Look,” Ryan began, breaking the awkward silence, “I don’t expect us to be friends, but do you think it would be so horrible for you to let me talk to you every now and then? It would mean a lot to me. Get me back on track.”
He seemed afraid to meet my gaze head-on, but when he did I saw the glimmer of something. Something I’d seen in myself recently.
I smiled at him, catching him by surprise. “Sure, I don’t think there’s a problem with that.”
He smiled back without another word. As I watched him walk away from me and disappear into the crowd, so forlorn and broken, I swore to myself I would never lose sight of who I was.
Not only that, I would never take anything for granted ever again.
Just then, my hand felt tingly, a feeling I wasn’t expecting, and I looked down the hallway to see Sage, Lauren, and Emily stomping their way smugly through the crowd. In the center of their little bunch was Brynn, still the reigning queen of Carver High School. She passed my locker, glaring at me, but she didn’t utter a word. She just kept on walking.
I watched them long enough to see Emily raise her eyebrows at Sage, apparently wondering why Brynn chose to keep on going, not taking part in her usual “pick on Teagan” ritual. What surprised me the most was that Lauren, lagging behind the others, looked right at me and smiled.
I shut my locker and proceeded to walk the other way.
School was over for the day. I took my time walking across the parking lot to the little white car that had waited for me all day long like an obedient pet. I kept my gaze straight ahead, on the windshield, afraid to look away. I couldn’t figure out where that strange sparkle was coming from. As I got closer, my heart tripped a couple of beats.
Unbelievable.
I had spent the whole day in flux. Waiting. Searching.