"You can tell yourself that, but everything happens for a reason. You almost kissed her, and you did it because you wanted to."
Maybe I just wanted to piss you off, because I saw you with another guy.
Be careful what you wish for.
I searched her face, the dark circles around her eyes, the sadness.
The green eyes I loved so much were gone -- changed into the golden eyes of a Dark Caster.
What are you doing with me, Ethan?
I don't know anymore.
Lena's face fell for a second, but she caught herself. "You've been dying to get that out, haven't you? Now you can run off with your little Mortal girlfriend guilt-free." She said Mortal as if she could hardly stand to say the word. "I bet you can't wait to hang out at the lake with her." Lena was seething. Whole sections of ceiling were beginning to cave, where the chandelier had fallen.
Whatever pain she might have been feeling was totally eclipsed by her anger. "You'll be back on the basketball team by the time school starts, and she can join the cheer squad. Emily and Savannah will love her."
I heard a cracking sound, and another stretch of drywall smashed to the ground next to me.
My chest tightened. Lena was wrong, but I couldn't help but think about how easy it would be to date a regular girl, a Mortal girl.
I always knew that's what you wanted. Now you can have it.
Another crash. Now I was covered with the fine white dust of her fallen ceiling, broken chunks scattered on the floor around me.
She was fighting back tears.
That's not what I meant, and you know it.
Do I? All I know is that it shouldn't be so hard. Loving someone shouldn't be so hard.
I never cared about that.
I felt her fading away, pushing me out of her mind and out of her heart. "You belong with someone like you, and I belong with someone like me, someone who understands what I'm going through. I'm not the same person I was a few months ago, but I guess we both know that."
Why can't you stop punishing yourself, Lena? It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have saved him.
You don't know what you're talking about.
I know you think it's your fault your uncle's dead, and that torturing yourself is some kind of penance.
There's no penance for what I did.
She started to turn away.
Don't run away.
I'm not running. I'm already gone.
I could barely hear her voice in my head. I moved closer to her. It didn't matter what she'd done or if things between us were over. I couldn't watch her destroy herself.
I pulled her to my chest and wrapped my arms around her, like she was drowning and I just wanted to get her out of the water. I could feel every inch of her burning cold against me. Her fingertips brushed mine. My chest was numb where her face pressed into it.
It doesn't matter if we're together or not. You're not one of them, L.
I'm not one of you either.
Her last words were a whisper. I tangled my hands into her hair. There was no part of me that could let go. I think she was crying, but I couldn't tell for sure. As I watched the ceiling, the last bits of plaster around the hole began to splinter into a thousand fissures, as if the rest of the roof might fall in on us any minute.
So this is it?
It was, but I didn't want her to answer. I wanted to stay in this moment for a little while longer. I wanted to hold on to her and pretend she was still mine to hold.
"My family leaves in two days. By the time they wake up tomorrow, I'll be gone."
"L, you can't --"
She touched my mouth. "If you ever loved me, and I know you did, leave it alone. I'm not going to let any more people I care about die because of me."
"Lena."
"This is my curse. It's mine. Let me have it."
"What if I say no?"
She looked at me, her whole face darkening into a single shadow. "You don't have a choice. If you come by Ravenwood tomorrow, I can guarantee you won't feel like talking. And you won't be able to either."
"Are you saying you're going to put a Cast on me?" It was an unspoken line between us she had never crossed.
She smiled and put her finger over my lips. "Silentium. Latin for 'silence,' which is what you'll hear if you try to tell anyone I'm leaving before I go."
"You wouldn't."
"I just did."
Finally. Here we were. The only thing left between us was the unimaginable power she had never used against me. Her eyes flared gold and bright. There wasn't a trace of green. I knew she meant every word.
"Swear you won't come back here." Lena slipped out of my arms and turned away from me. She didn't want to show me her eyes anymore, and I couldn't stand to see them.
"I swear."
She didn't say a word. She nodded and wiped the tears running down her face. By the time I walked away, it was raining plaster.
I walked through the halls of Ravenwood one last time. The house grew darker and darker the farther I went. Lena was going. Macon was gone. Everyone was leaving, and the house felt dead. I dragged my fingers along the polished mahogany banister. I wanted to remember the smell of the varnish, the smooth feel of the old wood, maybe the faintest smell of Macon's imported cigars, Confederate jasmine, blood oranges, and books.
I stopped in front of Macon's bedroom door. Painted a flat black, it could have been any door in the house. But it wasn't any door, and Boo was sleeping in front of it, waiting for a master who was never coming home. He didn't look like a wolf anymore, just a regular dog. Without Macon, he was as lost as Lena. Boo looked up at me, barely moving his head.