It wasn’t raining.
That was the third thing Wayne Norton had noticed on reaching the island.
The first was Diana.
The second was what she was wearing: his suit, the one he’d designed and ordered on Hideaway from Xenbashka Bashka Ka, alias Princess Janesmith of Algol.
Norton had to make do with what looked like a sleeveless undershirt and a pair of long-johns. Short long-johns, which only reached his knees. Red, of course. The only alternative seemed to be a bikini, which was the standard uniform for the Caphafer construction workers who were transforming their own world.
It wasn’t really a bikini. The upper half was more like a scarf, the same width all around, while the lower half resembled a pair of shorts. Norton wasn’t sure what purpose the top served because all the Caphafers were flat-chested; as for the second part, he was prepared to accept Kiru’s word.
These garments provided almost the only variation in colour on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf. Everything else was some shade of red, even Kiru’s skintight outfit. Apart from Diana’s gangster suit.
Or Colonel Travis’s gangster suit.
Or Eliot Ness’s gangster suit.
One thing was certain: It wasn’t Wayne Norton’s gangster suit.
Diana had said she’d arrived on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf with Kiru. Kiru had said she hadn’t, that she herself had arrived in an escape pod with Eliot Ness. Diana had claimed she was Eliot Ness. Kiru’s description of the person named Ness matched that of the man who’d told Norton his name was Colonel Travis. Eliot Ness and Colonel Travis were one and the same, Norton could accept that, but Diana also claimed she was Colonel Travis.
“But you’re father and daughter,” said Norton.
“Exactly,” said Diana. “I’m both father and daughter. There’s male and female in all of us.”
“Not in me,” said Norton. “Not in my time.”
“Eliot Ness is older than you,” said Kiru, who was sitting with arms folded, staring at Diana, trying to kill her with her eyes.
They were at a three-sided table in a plaza at the centre of the island. Norton realised this was the first time he’d been on solid ground since leaving Earth, the first time he could see further than the wall of a spaceship or satellite or lifeboat. All around them loomed red conical towers. None of them had windows, Norton noticed.
“We’re the same age,” said Diana. “I’m the same age. I’ve had a rejuve. In my role as a senior male authority figure, it’s better to look older, more distinguished. As a female, it’s always better to be young and attractive.” She studied Kiru for a few seconds, then took off her hat.
For a moment, Norton thought he could hear faint music. He glanced at Diana’s hat before looking around as she shook her hair free. The style was different again. Her hair was long, jet black, in a single plait.
“You can’t be Travis,” said Norton. “I was with him when I first met you. You were both there at the same time.”
“What’s the point of being two people if you can’t both be in the same place at the same time?” said Diana.
“But you aren’t two people,” said Norton. “You’re one.”
Diana shrugged. “Who’s counting?”
She’d claimed that, in her male guise, she had reached Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf in the same escape capsule as Kiru. But Norton remained silent about his own travelling companion. He didn’t want to mention Grawl because it would scare Kiru if she knew; and as Diana hadn’t referred to another survivor, which she surely would have done if Grawl had been found, it seemed safe to assume he had drowned. Norton had to admit he wasn’t sorry.
“What was my secret mission?” he asked. “Why was I sent to Hideaway?”
“You were there as me,” said Diana.
“But you were there.”
“I was there as Diana. You were there as Travis. That was why you were attacked on the ship: They wanted to stop Travis getting to Hideaway. Understand?”
“Er… yeah.”
“You were using him as a decoy,” said Kiru, “just like you used the pirate attack on Hideaway as a diversion.”
Diana looked at her. “Who told you that?”
“I worked it out.”
“I haven’t worked it out,” said Norton. “Will someone tell me?”
“When the escaped convicts from Arazon invaded Hideaway,” Diana told him, “it was to divert attention from Eliot Ness’s more subtle assault on the asteroid.”
“You mean your assault?” said Norton.
“Depends which way you look at it.”
Norton preferred to look the other way, and he glanced around the plaza. Construction work was so rapid, he was sure the nearest buildings had grown since he’d last looked.
“What were you doing while the pirates attacked Hideaway?” asked Kiru.
“Every guest there is guaranteed absolute anonymity and complete confidentiality,” said Diana, “although naturally all their details are recorded. During the raid, I was copying the data on Hideaway’s biggest-spending clients.”
“So you could invite them here?” said Norton. “Never-to-be-repeated opening offers for pre-selected lucky customers.”
“Who told you that?” said Diana.
“I worked it out,” he said. “A mailing list? This was all about getting hold of a mailing list? I hope it was worth it.”
Diana didn’t answer. “Shall we order?” she suggested. “Or shall I do it for you?”
“Yes,” said Norton.
“No,” said Kiru.
The were sitting at the only table in the only restaurant on the planet.
“I recommend the fish,” said Diana, and she smiled.
“I hate fish,” said Norton.
“Too bad,” said Kiru. “That’s all there is. Seaweed and fish.” She also smiled.
The table was a proper table, with legs. The chairs also had legs. There was an open umbrella above the table, which must have been essential on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf. It wasn’t raining, however. In fact, not a single drop had fallen on the island in the short while since Norton had reached land.
The sky above was thick with pink and orange clouds. There must have been a huge invisible umbrella in the sky, so that construction work wasn’t halted by the incessant rain.
But nothing seemed to halt the building. Norton had glimpsed a number of off-worlders, humans and various aliens, who must have been supervising the island’s transformation. There were gangs of Caphafers all looking very busy, although they didn’t seem to play any actual part in the construction process. Nor were there any girders, cranes, concrete mixers, prefabricated slabs. Everything was very quiet. It was almost as if the towers built themselves, silently spiralling ever upward.
When Norton first met Diana, he’d thought she was a waitress. Here, the waitress was a mermaid. He was a long way from home, and he was getting used to it. Being served by a red amphibian with webbed hands and feet, wearing a blue bikini, seemed relatively normal.
The first Caphafer Norton had seen was wearing a yellow bikini. Those who were watching the buildings go up were in green, while the restaurant staff were clad in blue.
Why bikinis? There was something very familiar about this, but Norton wasn’t sure what it was.
“The natives eat the fish raw, complete with the heads, fins, scales, guts,” said Diana. “You can have yours cooked any way you want, Wayne.” She paused. “Should I call you ‘Wayne,’ or would you prefer ‘Sergeant’?”
“I wasn’t a sergeant. Call me Wayne, it’s my real name. Is yours ‘Diana?’ ”
“Of course not.”
“Or Travis?”
“No.”
“Eliot Ness?” said Kiru.
“No,” said Norton. “The real Eliot Ness was a gang-buster, not a gangster. Is that why you’re wearing my suit?”
“Your suit?” said Diana, frowning.
“Yeah. I ordered two of those on Hideaway, from that shop run by the Algolan princess. Is the other in the violin case?” He gestured to the case by Diana’s feet. “I designed that as well as the suit.”
“Did you?” said Diana, reaching down for the case and putting it on the table. She opened the lid to reveal a data-set and comscreen. The inside of the lid was mirrored. Diana leaned close and inspected her face. The case also contained a bag of makeup, and she brushed her eyebrows. “It’s ideal.”
“Can we get some food?” said Kiru.
This was to be the first meal for the first guests in the new restaurant, a trial run. Probably the only kind of trial Diana would ever have to face, thought Norton. “On the house, naturally,” she’d said. It had to be. He didn’t have any money, and he guessed that neither did Kiru.
“I’ll order the wine,” said Diana. “Red?”
“White,” said Norton. That was the only thing he knew about wine: red with meat, white with fish.
Diana summoned the mermaid. Although the Caphafer was wearing a bikini, Norton knew that didn’t mean it was female. Not that he cared anything about the sex of an alien, of course. What bothered him was Diana’s gender. She’d kissed him. They’d shared the same bed. Nothing had happened, and now he was very grateful.
“I arrived on Hideaway as a woman,” said Diana, looking at Norton. “I left as a man,” she added, looking at Kiru. “In between, I needed a change of clothes. I found this wonderful emporium run by a fugitive princess, and she had exactly what I needed.” She ran her fingers over her jacket lapels. “And it looks good on me now, don’t you think?”
“Perfect,” said Norton. “You’re a gangster, so you should wear a gangster suit.”
“Are you trying to tell me something, Wayne?”
“Yeah. You’re mixed up with the space pirates, which means—”
Diana held up her hand to interrupt him. “Space pirates,” she said, “that’s such an outdated term. These are businessmen, galactic entrepreneurs.”
“They’re criminals,” said Norton, “and you’re a criminal. I thought you and Travis… er… both of you, either of you, I thought you were a police officer. You told me I was working for GalactiCop. Instead, you used me as a cover for criminal purposes. You’ve made me into a gangster.”
“Is that why you wanted the suit?”
“No!”
“What’s the matter, Wayne?” said Kiru. “Everyone knows that cops are criminals.”
“Why did you check into Hideaway under the name ‘Robin Hood?’ ” asked Diana. “A hood who robs people. Did criminals once wear hoods, is that where the name comes from?”
“No. It’s short for ‘hoodlum.’ Robin Hood was…” Norton shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is, you lied to me.”
Diana laughed. Kiru laughed. After a few seconds, Norton also laughed. He shrugged. What did it matter now? What did anything matter?
The alien in the blue bikini brought out a tray with a decanter of wine and three glasses, started to pour the wine, but spilled most of it. Diana took over instead.
“New to the job,” she explained, as she filled the glasses. “Cheers.” It was a toast Norton had taught her when they were spacebus stewards. She clinked her glass against his.
“Here’s to crime,” he said.
Diana looked at Kiru. Kiru brought her glass against Diana’s, perhaps too hard, as if maybe trying to break it. Nothing broke.
“In your century, Wayne,” said Diana, “there wasn’t much co-operation between the police and criminals. Because there was so little communication, it meant conflict and an inefficient use of resources. It’s much better for everyone if the two sides can work together.”
“Organised crime, you mean?” said Norton.
“Exactly!” Diana clinked her glass against his again. “We had to merge, amalgamate. And now that Earth is pulling out of the Crash, we have to think galactically, not just globally. We’re competing against the universe.”
Kiru was watching her. “You talked about being in two places at once,” she said. “Does that include Arazon? Did I first meet you there? Were you the pirate boss who led the decoy attack on Hideaway?”
“No.”
“Who was he? Where is he now?”
“No idea.”
“You must know something,” said Kiru. “Your arrival on Hideaway and the timing of the pirate raid were coordinated.”
“Not my area of responsibility,” said Diana. She sipped at her drink. “What do you think of the wine?”
“A bit salty,” said Norton.
“Yes, we’ll have to do something about that. It’s made from kelp.”
Norton pulled a face, then remembered the origins of the water he’d had to drink on board the escape pod. He much preferred something made from wholesome seaweed.
“Keep it salty,” he said. “People will get thirsty, drink more of it, get even thirstier, buy even more.”
“What a great idea,” said Diana.
“It’s an old idea. If there are free salted nuts in a bar, people get thirstier, buy more drinks. In Las Vegas, they gave away free drinks. If you give away something for free, people will spend more on everything else.”
“Great,” said Diana. She smiled and poured three more glasses of wine. “Great.”
“When are you going to tell him?” said Kiru.
Norton looked at her, looked at Diana. “Tell me what?”
“Where was the place you came from?” said Kiru.
“Vegas,” said Norton.
“This,” said Kiru, gesturing beyond the red buildings going up all around them, “is going to be Vegas World. And it’s all because of you, Wayne.”
“Not all,” said Diana.
“Vegas World?” said Norton. “That’s a lot easier to say than Caff… what is it?”
“Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf,” Diana and Kiru said together.
“Yeah, Cafe World.”
“What did you say?” said Diana.
“Cafe World,” Norton repeated.
“Cafe,” said Diana. “Cafe.” She nodded. “Cafe World. I like it. I love it. What’s it mean?”
“It means… er, it’s a French word. French? No? From France? An extinct language. Cafe. A coffee house. Cafe is French, was French, for coffee. You’ve never heard of France? They invented kissing.” Norton looked at Kiru. “French kissing, you know?”
“No,” said Kiru.
“You do. Remind me to remind you.”
“Cafe World,” Diana said. Again. “It has a certain…”
“Panache?” said Norton.
“You know, Wayne,” said Diana, “I’m glad you’re here, glad you’re still alive.”
“Thanks. So am I.” Norton looked at Kiru again. “How about you?”
“I’m not sure yet,” said Kiru. She sipped at her wine to stop herself smiling, then glanced at Diana. “Tell him why we’re here.”
“Remember back on Earth,” said Diana, “when we talked about Lost Vegas?”
“Kind of,” said Norton.
“You said Vegas could have been improved if it was by the sea, but gambling couldn’t happen outside because the sun would go down and people would be aware of time going by.”
Norton nodded. Las Vegas was a twenty-four-hour city. Day or night made no difference.
“The sun never goes down here,” said Kiru.
Norton glanced up. Although Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf’s star was forever hidden behind the swirling orange clouds, it was always very warm. If the sun ever broke through, the temperature would make Nevada seem like the Arctic.
“The sea,” said Norton, beginning to remember. “The sun.” He looked up into the red sky. “It shouldn’t be raining.”
“It’s not,” said Diana, “not on this island. We’re starting here. In time, we’ll expand to other islands. We’ll fix the rain as we go.”
“You chose this planet,” said Norton, slowly, as he began to realise the magnitude of the idea, “because of what I said?”
“We had a number of options,” said Diana, “but your expertise helped with our final decision.”
“Sea, sun, sand, bikini girls,” said Norton, remembering it all. “Is that why you’ve got aliens in bikinis?” He shook his head in amazement, then finished his wine in a single gulp. “I’ll be damned.”
Las Vegas in space. Planet Vegas.
“Ready to eat?” asked Diana, as she signalled the Caphafer in the blue bikini.
“Yes,” said Kiru, and Norton nodded.
It was the first food he had eaten since being in the escape capsule, and he didn’t even care that it was fish. His head was spinning. Because of an apparently casual conversation, a whole world was being transformed into a casino planet. The concept was mind-blowing. Or maybe it was just the salty wine, which was scrambling his brain.
While they ate, Diana pointed out all the new landmarks—enviroscapes, dreamzones, skytels—and talked about the future of Cafe World.
“Cafe World?” said Kiru. “Are you going to pay Wayne a consultancy fee?”
“That’s just a provisional name,” said Diana. “I’ll have to discuss it with my fellow partners.”
“The galactic thieving bastards?” said Kiru. “Although you probably call them ‘entrepreneurs.’ ”
“You were right the first time,” said Diana. “I’m talking about the new partners. Hideaway’s top people are arriving here in less than fifty hours, when the partnership details will be finalised.”
As Kiru and Norton both stared at her, Diana shrugged.
“They tried to kill us,” said Kiru. “Wayne, me, even you.”
Diana shrugged again. “After what we did, who can blame them?”
“What we did?” said Norton. “What you did!”
“It’s sound business sense,” said Diana. “By operating together, Hideaway and Cafe World will be far more profitable. Instead of competing, we’ll complement each other. Hideaway can concentrate on serving the elite of the galaxy, and with their professional expertise we can soon develop a planet-sized version to provide entertainment and vacations for the mass-market.”
“But you thought Hideaway was going to annihilate Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf,” said Kiru.
“That was just a negotiating tactic. They would never have destroyed a valuable asset like this.” Diana toyed with the stem of her wine glass. “Because if they had, Hideaway would have been vaporized as a reprisal.”
“That’s good,” said Kiru. “At least the whole Caphafer race wouldn’t have died in vain.”
“Mutually destructive business plans are very shortsighted,” said Diana.
“So now you’re working for the tax men,” said Norton. “Or tax aliens.”
“Don’t we all?” said Diana. “They started on one world, but they thought big, which is how they became the largest organisation in the galaxy. The Galactic Tax Authority owns whole planets, entire solar systems, and every person who lives there is in debt to them—although they don’t even know it.”
“And they’re coming here for the big pow-wow,” said Norton.
“What?” said Diana, and Kiru said, “What?”
“You’re going to smoke the pipe of peace.”
“What?” said Kiru, and Diana said, “What?”
“Another reason for choosing this planet,” said Norton, gazing up at the sky, “was the colour, yeah? It’s the ideal world for Red Indians.”
“I see what you mean,” said Diana, and Kiru said, “I don’t.”
“We’re talking about Red Indians,” said Norton.
“What’s a Red Indian?” asked Kiru.
“You are,” he said.
Kiru ran her fingers through her red hair. “Am I?”
“We all are,” said Norton. “Or so I’ve been told.”
Kiru shrugged, sipped at her wine, then resumed eating. She shifted in her seat and glanced around, making it evident she found her surroundings far more interesting than her companions.
“Will your partners become blood brothers?” Norton continued. “Or sisters?”
“There’ll be no mixing of bodily fluids,” said Diana. “This is strictly a business arrangement, although there’ll be an appropriate celebration after the contracts have been signed and witnessed. After that, if anyone wants to become involved in a personal liaison, it’s up to them.”
“A personal liaison?” said Norton, looking at Kiru.
A skimmer slid off the ocean and went by thirty yards away, and Kiru waved. The three on deck waved back. It was hard to tell if they were all human, but they definitely weren’t Caphafers. Instead of bikinis, they were wearing dark suits—as designed by Wayne Norton.
The skimmer disappeared as silently as it had arrived, and Norton realised the restaurant must have been within a sonic screen. That was why the building work seemed so quiet, because sound beyond the plaza was reflected back out.
“Who were they?” asked Norton. “Fellow convicts?”
“No idea,” said Kiru.
“Some of my colleagues,” said Diana. “Gino, Rico and Pedro.”
“Pedro?” said Norton.
“You know her?”
Norton shook his head.
“When Hideaway was under different management, she was called Jack. Gino was Deuce and Rico was Ace.” Diana paused. “They’re a trio.”
“Is that where the music was coming from?” said Norton.
“Music? They’re not musicians.”
“I heard music earlier. You said they were a trio.”
“They are,” said Diana. “A sexual trio.”
“Oh.” Norton nodded, as if understanding. “Three of them? Is that… er…?”
“Two men, one woman,” said Diana. “That’s the best arithmetic. Or geometry.”
“You mean… they have sex? All three of them? With each other? At the same time?”
“I presume so. Why else get married? Go and ask them.”
“They’re married? All of them? To each other?” Norton drank some more wine. “One attraction of Vegas I never mentioned,” he added, “was that people went there to get married.”
“Because it wasn’t legal anywhere else?” said Diana.
“No. Because they could get married immediately. There was no license restriction in Las Vegas.”
“People had to have a license to get married?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re talking about a formal conjugal agreement?”
“Probably.” Norton glanced at Kiru, who was still looking away. “I thought that… er, maybe, you know… you could hold wedding ceremonies here.”
“Why? What for?”
“Does Hideaway provide weddings?”
“I doubt it. There isn’t much demand for that kind of thing.”
“I’m only a cop, but isn’t the whole idea of business to advertise and create a demand? People used to spend a fortune on weddings.”
“Did they?” Diana began to get interested.
“Yeah. Getting married was every girl’s ambition, the biggest day of her life.”
“That’s pathetic,” said Kiru.
“How did they spend a fortune?” asked Diana.
“On the clothes,” said Norton. “On the wedding presents. On the reception, which was a meal and party after the ceremony. On the honeymoon, which was when the bride and groom went on a luxury holiday together after the wedding.” He gestured with his wine glass, encompassing the whole planet. “If couples came here to get married, they’d also have their honeymoons here.”
Diana nodded thoughtfully. “This could work. I’m going to suggest it to the board of directors.” She paused and studied Norton. “You’re not on a percentage, so why are you telling me this?”
“Because,” said Norton, “I want to be the first person to get married here.”
“The first?” said Diana. “As far as I understand it, marriage is not a solo event. So who’s going to be equal first?”
She was looking at him in an odd way. Surely she didn’t think Norton meant her! She who was sometimes a he…
Norton looked at Kiru. Diana looked at Kiru. Kiru looked at Norton.
“No,” she said.
“In fifty hours plus,” said Diana, “it’s the official opening. There won’t be any paying guests, not for a while. But the gaming halls will take their first bets. The first pleasure dome will begin to revolve. Everything will begin to happen. Maybe this restaurant will be serving edible food by then.”
Norton glanced at her meal, noticing that she’d hardly had anything. He’d eaten everything, as had Kiru.
“It’s going to be a spectacular occasion,” Diana continued. “I’ve been trying to think of something unique, something so very absolutely different, to generate extra publicity. Now I know what it is. We’re going to hold our first wedding. Your wedding, Wayne.”
“But not mine,” said Kiru.
“He’s getting married,” Diana told her. “If not to you, then someone else.”
“Who?” said Norton.
“I don’t know,” said Diana. “Anyone. Pedro, for example. As well as Rico and Gino, of course. But don’t get your hopes up. All three of them would have to accept you. Quartets are very rare. They never last. Maybe you could marry one of the natives. That would make a great story.”
“What?” said Norton.
“No,” said Kiru. “He’s mine.”
“Am I?” said Norton, and he stretched his hand across the table toward her.
Kiru shrugged. His hand touched hers. She didn’t move it away. His fingers squeezed hers. Her eyes wouldn’t meet his.
“Kiru,” said Norton, “you’ve made me the happiest man in the whole galaxy, and I promise I’m going to make you the happiest girl in the entire universe.”
“Okay, okay.”
“Enough of this,” said Diana. “What should happen during a wedding, a really expensive wedding?”
Norton told her. Diana listened intently to every word, nodding her head, while Kiru sank lower and lower into her chair, shaking her head.
“Now I’m in a real dilemma,” said Diana. She stood up and began to circle, or triangle, the table. “Will I go as your best man, Wayne? Or should I be your bridesmaid, Kiru?”
“Why not both?” said Kiru.
“That’s a possibility,” said Diana, “although the most important role seems to be the person in charge. She has the most dialogue, far more than the bride and groom.”
“She?” said Norton. “It’s usually ‘he.’ ”
“Not on Cafe World,” said Diana. “Kiru must promise to love, honour and obey, you said?”
“Yeah,” said Norton. He couldn’t remember very many of the lines. What was the groom meant to say?
“Honour and obey?” said Kiru. She hid her face in her hands. “Were women treated like slaves in your era?”
“No, well… er, yeah, I guess… slightly… er, in a way.”
Kiru opened her fingers to peer at Diana. “If you’re doing weddings here, will you also do divorces?”
“No,” said Norton. “It’s ‘until death do us part.’ ”
“Yes, master,” said Kiru, and she yawned. “Of course, master. To hear is to obey, master.”
“Divorce and marriage?” Diana nodded. “Can’t have one without the other.”
“Good,” said Kiru.
“You want to officiate at our wedding?” Norton said to Diana. “Will that be legal?”
“Definitely,” Diana replied. She sat down at the table, reached for the violin case, opened the lid and thumb-coded her dataset. “I’ll enact a law to it make it legal.”