"This is an exclusive establishment," Martin agreed as he led them to a table.
"Maybe a little too exclusive," Remo commented as they took their seats. They had the place to themselves.
"Drink, sirs?"
"No, thanks."
"I shall fetch menus, sirs."
"No need, Martin. Just bring me whatever's the freshest fish you've got back there. Steamed, with steamed rice."
Martin pointed his utterly emotionless face at Remo for a long moment and was about to comment.
"Do you have duck?" Chiun squeaked.
"No, sir."
"Do you, perchance, serve parrot?"
"We do not, sir."
"Then bring me fish, as well," Chiun said offhandedly. "Whatever is more fresh than what you serve him. Prepared the same way."
Martin opened his mouth, closed it and left.
"The plastic guys who model flannel shirts at Sears, Roebuck emote more than that waiter," Remo commented.
"He is attempting some sort of deception," Chiun announced.
The kitchen doors swung open again.
"The fish is off," Martin declared in a monotone as he stood stiffly at their table.
"Give us the fish that is not off," Remo said. Martin, finally, proved that he did have working facial muscles. He looked puzzled, as if he were trying to think through a brain teaser. "Um, all the fish is off, sir." Chiun rolled his eyes.
"Let me get this straight," Remo said. "This is the most upscale restaurant on the island. There's an ocean so close I could probably toss you in it from here. And you're trying to tell me you're out of fresh fish?"
"Um," Martin said, "yes, sir."
"Um, bullshit. Okay, just bring us the rice. Steamed."
"We are out of rice, sir," Martin said finally.
"You served me rice not seven hours ago."
"That was the last of it, sir."
"Um," Remo grumbled. "I see."
"I see a man who is seconds away from death unless he ceases to tell falsehoods," Chiun said in Korean.
Remo nodded and asked Martin, "My father would like to know your recommendations:"
"Your father would like to throttle the help," Chiun added in his native language, but he nodded agreeably.
"The chef has prepared an intriguing pasta Puttanesca," Martin orated.
Remo nodded. "We'll take it"
"And we'll force-feed you on it," Chiun added in Korean. But he smiled when he said it.
Chapter 36
"Bon appetit," Martin declared, presenting plates of steaming, odoriferous pasta.
"Well?" Remo asked when the waiter departed. Chiun looked distastefully at the platter before him. He sniffed very slightly. "Boiled gelatinous wheat flour," he stated. "Chemically solidified oil of corn."
"Yeah?"
"Tomato, smashed and burned for hours. Dehydrated pungencies added to mask the soot. Compressed anchovies to further confuse the flavor. Brine-cured olives mixed in because this is what American palates demand of their 'authentic' Roman cuisine."
"What else?" Remo asked.
"Various forms of curdled cow's milk and enough salt to taint a village well," Chiun said with a nose wrinkled in repulsion. "Also, poison."
"Mine, too," Remo agreed. "Oh, waiter!"
THE KITCHEN DOOR SWUNG open and Remo poked his head in.
"Oh, there you are, Martin."
"Is there something I can help you with, sir?"
"The name of whoever put you up to dosing the dinners."
The cook emerged from a walk-in cooler with a large fish held by the tail. He dropped it and charged Remo a second after Martin made his move. Both of them had large knives conveniently at hand.
Remo smacked Martin's knife away before the steel tips touched his T-shirt. Martin's butcher blade made a vibrating musical note as it embedded itself in an exposed wooden ceiling beam, and Martin looked at it in surprise. He missed seeing Remo's deft swat at the chef, whose scaling knife somehow ended up rocketing across the short space in Martin's direction. The scaling knife sliced thinly into the waiter's scalp before burying itself in the wall behind him. Frozen, Martin's eyes crossed to stare at the humming knife handle and then to watch the blood trickling down his nose and cheeks.
"Talk," Remo said, and he started squeezing earlobes.
"WELL?" Chiun asked.
Remo sat at the table. "They were lying. They did have fresh fish. It's in the steamer."
"I knew it."