For several minutes Kira numbly stared at the dark cobblestone wall, trying to figure out how she’d turned what began as a perfect day into a nightmare. At some point she found sleep, but it didn’t last. When she woke she heard Octavion put another log on the fire. She slowly turned to find him sitting on the rug with his back to her, one knee drawn up with his arm draped over it. She watched as the flames from the hot coals found life in the added chunk of wood. The hot sap caused the fire to snap, sending sparks into the air and up the chimney. The renewed flames licked the air, stealing the coolness from around the room.
She found herself thinking about what it would be like to lay in his arms. Not like before, but with no restraints or conditions. She wanted him. She needed him more than ever before. The reasons she’d conjured up for prolonging their intimacy seemed lost in her memories-a memory of violence and abuse. She no longer felt like the innocent girl he fell in love with near the falls, but a barren shell of a woman who had very little left to give. She had no reason to save something that served no purpose.
Before she could silence her thoughts, she stood behind him, waiting for him to take notice of her presence.
“Not tonight,” he said. His voice had a deep and throaty sound to it.
She remained standing behind him, not willing to accept his words. In one fluid motion, he stood and turned to face her. His eyes wandered down the full length of her body and then back up to meet her eyes-to gaze into her soul. She didn’t dare look away.
She took his hand and placed it over her heart, slipping his fingers between his shirt and her skin, letting him touch the skin just below her collar bone. His eyes shifted down to watch as she made his fingertips trace the base of her neck, feeling her racing pulse. She continued to guide them up her jaw and brush across her lower lip. She kissed the tip of his fingers and when his eyes found hers again they were threaded with tiny threads of gold.
“Make love to me,” she pleaded.
His eyes were uncertain. He shook his head, barely moving it from side to side. “No,” he finally said.
“But I want you to. I don’t want to wait anymore.”
He looked intently into her eyes. “Are you certain, Kira? This is what you want?”
She nodded.
He ran his hand through her auburn hair, stopping at the nape of her neck to pull her closer. He pressed his lips to hers, not holding back the passion she was sure he’d been suppressing for months. She melted into him as he gently lowered her body to the animal pelt. Propped up on one elbow, he leaned over to kiss her neck and take in her scent. One hand still held her head while the other slowly made its way up her thigh.
Her whole body pulsed with heat. She didn’t know how to react to these new feelings surging through her. She wanted this, she did. She felt sure she did. She closed her eyes and tried to relax by taking a deep breath, but it caught. Octavion tensed, pulling away from her and finding her eyes again.
“Are you crying?” he asked.
“No,” she lied.
“Kira, if you are not ready, we should wait.”
“I am ready. I’m just. .” She couldn’t find the words so she turned away to avoid his eyes. She didn’t want him to see the fear in them. She didn’t want him to see the real reason she needed him to be near her. She wasn’t even sure what that reason was until that very moment-she didn’t want to lose him. If he made love to her, he wouldn’t leave her for Serena. She knew it in her heart. But it was too late. Right before she averted her eyes she caught the reaction in his face. She’d faltered for a split second and he’d seen it in her soul. She wasn’t ready.
He helped her to sit then turned back to face the fire. “You should go back to the bed, Kira.”
She took his words as another rejection and began to cry, this time not hiding her emotions. A massive lump in her throat threatened to choke her as she sobbed. “I’m sorry,” she said as she drew her knees up under his shirt and wrapped her arms around them. “I’m so. . sorry.”
He slowly turned to question her, his voice tender. “Why did you change your mind? Why now?”
“I didn’t. You were the one that. . stopped.”
He wiped the tears from her cheeks and gently held her face between his hands. “No, you told me you wanted to wait, to save yourself. Why did you change your mind? I need to know.”
There were so many emotions racing through her at once, she didn’t know where to start. How could she tell him she feared losing him? How could she question the love and sacrifice he’d shown her? Hadn’t he proven himself time and time again? But that was all before he knew Serena lived, before Kira had everything she held sacred taken from her. Before, when their love felt pure and simple-when she was pure and simple.
Kira thought about his question one more time, trying to find the right words to express how she really felt. She needed to be straightforward and tell him the truth-she owed him that much. She sat back, wiped the tears from her eyes and said the words that she’d felt swimming around in her heart for days.
“There’s nothing left of me. . to save.”
She could feel the numbness of her shell taking over her emotions as she pushed herself away from him and stood. She went back to the bed, slid under the covers and faced the wall again. The room fell eerily quiet. She could hear no movement coming from behind her. Her words still hung in the air as if held there by an invisible thread. As her body began to tremble, she closed her eyes and ordered herself not to cry.
She didn’t hear him get up off the floor, only felt his weight as he sat on the edge of the bed. When his hand touched her side, she tightened the shell around her and willed him to go away, but he didn’t listen.
“Kira,” he whispered. So soft. So gentle. “I have something I need to say, but I need you to see my face. I need you to see the truth in my eyes.”
She couldn’t move. She felt wrapped in a cocoon with no way of escaping.
“Please, Kira.” He pulled the covers back, drew her into his arms and held her there. The warmth of his embrace melted the imaginary silk threads that bound her body. She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head against his chest. She still trembled, so he yanked the blankets off the bed, wrapped them around her, then stroked her hair.
“I would give my life if it would take your pain away. I cannot even imagine what they-”
“Stop,” she begged. “I don’t want to think about it.”
He took her by the shoulders and pushed her back to sit on the bed, holding her so she couldn’t retreat to the other side. He looked into her eyes for the longest time before he finally spoke.
“I can make you forget, Kira. I can take all those memories and put them away so you never have to think about them again. You tell me it is what you want and I will do it for you.”
His words sent images of Serena and Narissa through Kira’s head and how they’d suffered at the mercy of magic that should never have been used. They’d lost not only the bad memories, but also the good ones. As much as Kira wanted to forget what had been done to her, she wanted even more to remember her recovery and the strength she had gained from getting her life back. She wanted to have all the good memories that were twisted and tangled in with the bad. How many women had been abused who would never have the option to have their memories erased? It wasn’t fair to them and it wasn’t fair to Altaria. She’d gone through everything alongside Kira. Erasing it all would be like letting Shandira and her men get away with what they’d done.
“No,” she finally said.
He looked away for a moment. “If you change your mind, will you tell me?” He found her eyes again for her answer.
She nodded.
“If I let go, will you sit here long enough for me to have my say?”
She nodded again, but when he released her, she scooted against the wall, drew her knees up and pulled the covers around her.
He sighed out of frustration-or anger, she couldn’t tell. “I made you a promise. .” He paused, obviously not happy with her current state of mind or position on the bed. He twisted around and slid closer so he sat cross legged in front of her. He put his finger under her chin and raised it so their eyes met. “I need you to look at me.”
“Okay,” she replied, her voice an even monotone.
“I made a promise to you that day near the falls and even if I have to build a wall between us, I intend to keep it. I will not take that from you.”
Kira heard his words and understood them, but what she felt inside was something totally different. “You don’t want me?”
His facial expression went from one emotion to another and back again so quickly, she couldn’t decipher them. He slid off the bed and paced between the bed and the door on the opposite wall, only stopping long enough to huff out a lung full of air and throw up his hands.
“Is that really what you think?” he finally asked.
“Yeah. You seem different here. I thought at first it was because of what Zerek did, that you were afraid of hurting me. Or maybe all my ugly scars, but now I can’t give you an heir and with Serena still alive. .” She didn’t want to say the next part. It hurt too much and it wasn’t the truth. “If you want to take me home, I’ll understand.”
He looked as if she’d shot him with one of her arrows-like she’d truly broken his heart. “Oh, Kira. You are wrong. You are so wrong.” He crossed the floor in two steps, but stopped before reaching the bed, like he feared getting too close.
“My hunger and thirst for blood is not the only desire stronger in this world. I haven’t become accustomed to it, yet. Every emotion, every appetite and craving is ten fold. It is all I can do to be in the same room with you. The scent of your hair as it catches a breeze through a window sends me almost to my knees. I tease you about gaining a resistance to your scent, but the truth is, I have no resistance. A simple touch of your hand or brush of your lips on the tip of my finger and it is all I can do to keep from. .” His body shook as he turned away. “And talking about it makes it worse.”
He sat on the bed, his back to her. “When I walked through that door tonight and saw you standing there in my shirt, I thought I was dreaming. You have no idea what you do to me. The part of me that is animal does not understand why I cannot have you now, why I must hold back.” He looked over his shoulder and smiled. “And the part of me that is a man loves you too much to let that happen.”
Kira needed to believe him now more than ever. She needed to trust his words-to know in her heart that he spoke the truth. But as much as she tried, she still felt alone and unsure of his feelings for her.
He turned to face her. “If I hold you, will you behave?” he asked with a smirk.
Kira smiled, despite the sadness in her heart. “I’ll try.” Then she moved to the other side of the bed and adjusted the covers so he could slide in next to her.
They stayed that way for most of the night-too afraid to move. When the fire had all but gone out, a small stream of sunlight crept in through the one section of window not covered with ivy. She ventured a kiss on Octavion’s exposed shoulder, but met with his rebuke. An instant later he reconsidered, allowing a moment of innocent intimacy as he pressed his lips to hers.
“Happy now?” he asked, flashing his dimples.
“I guess it will have to do,” she teased. She had to admit she felt better now that she’d slept in his arms.
He threw back the covers and stood, stretching and twisting out the kinks from sleeping in one place all night. She knew because she needed to do the same.
“Your gown should be dry now. While you dress I am going for a swim.” He stepped to the door and turned the latch, but before he opened it, he shot her a mischievous look. “The cold water will do me good.”
She giggled.
“Not funny, Kira,” he said over his shoulder as he left the cottage, closing the door behind him.
She quickly threw on her dress, but had more difficulty lacing the front than the day before. Most of her middle finger, her knuckle and part of her hand were purple and green and ached severely. Octavion was probably right about it being broken. What she wouldn’t give for her healing powers to return. Several times since Altaria returned to her body, Kira tried using the Crystor to heal or send her thoughts, but it still didn’t work. The only change she’d noticed was an occasional itch where it rubbed against her skin. Extremely frustrating, to say the least.
When Octavion returned from his swim, he took back his shirt and bandaged Kira’s hand. Then he adjusted the ribbon on the front of her dress and helped her put the combs back in her hair. His gentle hands put her at ease and solidified his words of affirmation from the night before. If what he’d said was true, he loved her. And the fact that Serena lived did nothing to change those feelings.
It was still early when he whisked her away to the castle and they saw only a few servants going about their business. Luka stood near the bottom of the staircase as they entered, a smirk planted firmly on his face.
“Well, well. Sneaking in early in the morning, eh?” he said as they passed.
Octavion grabbed the front of his cousin’s shirt and put his partially transformed face only inches from Luka’s. Kira didn’t hear the words they shared with their minds, but when Octavion finished with him, Luka sincerely apologized and walked off with his imaginary tail between his legs.
“Excuse my cousin’s rudeness. He is not used to being around a real lady.” They continued up the stairs, stopping in front of her opened door.
“Please don’t go,” she begged.
“Do not worry, I will see you tonight. Do you think you can stay out of trouble that long?”
Kira wanted to drag him into his lair and put him in chains to keep him from leaving her. “I suppose.”
He gave her a quick kiss and closed the door between them. As much as she wanted to believe he’d be safe, she couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that had settled in her heart. Something wasn’t right.
***
When Octavion reached the bottom of the stairs, his father waited-his expression grave.
“What has happened?” Octavion asked. Is Altaria all right?
Yes. “I must inform you on another matter. Perhaps we should speak in private.”
A few moments later they stood in his father’s private room, a few glowing stones filling the space with light. Belesgar paced the floor, rubbing the stubble on his chin with his fingers. “We had unexpected visitors while you were away.” He stopped and faced his son. “Two men from Panthera’s Royal guard.”
Octavion’s heart clenched. “They came for me?”
“No. King Ramla heard of your journey to Kira’s world and wanted to make sure you understood the oath you made. That no place existed where you could hide and he not find you.”
Octavion ran his fingers through his hair. They’d been watching him. “What did you tell them?”
“That you are a man of your word and will honor your agreement. But what I should have said is how foolish you are. How could you give up everything so easily? Have you no love for your people or your family? Do we mean nothing to you?”
“You think this was easy for me? I love Xantara and the thought of leaving my home and the people I care for goes against everything I am-everything you raised me to be.”
Belesgar moved closer, his fingers curled into fists. “But you gave it all up for what-the love of a woman we know nothing about?”
Octavion stared into his father’s eyes. The pain he saw there nearly broke him in two. “I love her. What else could I do? Would you not have given everything to save my mother or Estaria?”
Belesgar let the tension out of his shoulders. He sat on the bench and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I would give up everything for a mere moment with them.” He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I would do the same for you. It took all my strength not to beg for your release, to give all I own in exchange for the price you agreed to pay.”
“Father.” Octavion sat next to him and placed his hand on his shoulder. “This is my burden to bear. I hope you know my swearing allegiance to Panthera means nothing to me, that I will forever see you as my king and Xantara as my home.”
Belesgar turned to face his son, his eyes moist for the first time since Octavion could remember. “Ramla is a good king. He will treat you fairly.”
“But he is not my father and will never hold a place in my heart as you do.”
His father looked down at his hands dangling between his knees. “I never told you about your mother, what she sacrificed to be my queen. Her father had promised her to another and became very angry when I asked for her hand. He said if she chose to be bound to me, he would disown her, that she’d lose everything.”
Belesgar smiled at the memory. “I actually tried to talk her out of it-convince her to forget about me-but she was a stubborn woman and would not hear of it. She said we were meant to create something grand together.”
He looked at Octavion. “She loved Shandira with all her heart, but the day you were born, she saw something special in your eyes. She lived long enough to hold you in her arms and see bits and pieces of your future in a vision. She never told me what she saw, only how proud she was of the decisions you would make and how you would choose to live. Then she said something that made little sense at the time, but now. .”
Octavion swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. Even after years of pleading, his father had never spoken of the day his mother died-the same day Octavion had been born. “What did she say?”
Belesgar straightened and looked intently into his son’s eyes. “It was her dying breath. She looked into your soul and whispered, ‘Such sorrow.’ I thought she described how she felt about leaving you, but perhaps she saw how you feel now and the great sorrow you will endure when the time comes for you to leave.”
Such sorrow. Her words would echo in his mind for the rest of his life and described how he felt perfectly. The thought of leaving Kira and his family constantly tore at him and the threat that Ramla’s guards could whisk him away that very day, made it all too real. He had to find a way to tell Kira before it was too late. He needed her to hear it from him.