The Maximum Leader suddenly turned green.
"Playa Giron?"
"Or Red Beach, as we say north of the border. It made sense to me. No one would want a repeat of the Bay of Pigs fiasco. You thought you could leave it unguarded, relatively speaking."
"Hah! The yoke is on jou. It is no longer unguarded. I have ordered the cream of the Revolution to that historic place!"
"That's right, you did. You've got practically all your regulars out there right now, shooting at animatronic soldiers."
"Animatronic?"
"You can't kill them, but they can kill you. Gives new meaning to the word 'expendable,' doesn't it?"
El Lider gaped. "A diversion?"
"I believe you said something about 'a Trojan Horse' earlier."
"And jou said something about a kangaroo court. I suppose you think jou can try me?"
"Intend to."
"Hah!" said the President of Cuba, pounding on his massive chest. "Do your worst! I am above your laws. Above history. Jou cannot try me for war crimes. I have committed none. I am a revolutionary, a soldier of the Americas doing the work of the revolutionary. My interventions in other countries are no different than that of any great historical world power. The acts I have committed in my own country are the business of Cuba and Cuba alone. Jou cannot try me for these things. "
"I don't expect to," said Uncle Sam Beasley in his dry-ice voice.
The President of Cuba plowed on as if unhearing. He was on a roll. He began ticking off points on his thick fingers.
"Jou cannot try me for crimes against the U.S.A., jou cannot try me for crimes against my people, jou cannot try me for-"
"Try copyright violations," said Uncle Sam.
El Lider's mouth dropped open in mid-word. "Copy-"
"You've been pirating my programs. I don't like that. I put a lot of sweat into those things." And with that, Uncle Sam Beasley took up a gavel and banged it twice on the banquet table.
From behind curtains came Mongo Mouse, Dingbat Duck, Screwball Squirrel, and a host of other fictitious characters. They took seats on either side of Uncle Sam, who then sat down.
"The Beasley Tribunal is in session," he snapped.
The President of Cuba blinked furiously. He had always understood the time might come when he would fall from power and be haled before a tribunal such as this. He looked at the jury again and thought, well, not exactly like this ....
He had practiced the speech he would give on this occasion. Every act of revolution he would defend fiercely, passionately, unassailably. He had dreamed of this moment. Looked forward to it almost confident that his sharp wits and silver tongue would vindicate him before the world.
But he had certainly never taken the charge of copyright piracy into account. And here he was, forced to defend himself before the bizarre representatives of the most ferocious defenders of copyright on earth.
Feeling his bull-like shoulders sag, the Maximum Leader threw out his chest in defiance. "I insist upon being tried by my own countrymen. Only they can properly yudge me. Not these running dogs! No offense to jou, Gumpy."
Gumpy Dog cocked his floppy-eared head in an injured manner.
"Tell you what," said Beasley. "I'll throw in a Cuban." He lifted his voice. "Dr. Revuelta. Would you kindly join us?"
From behind the curtain came a Cuban the Cuban president knew only too well.
"Jou! Jou terrorista!" he raged.
"Dr. Revuelta will be installed as interim president," said Uncle Sam. "Having one of their own as head of the government will keep the population pacified."
The Cuban President shook a big fist. "Him? Never! He is a mediocrity."
"Actually, he's a gynecologist," Uncle Sam pointed out with a smile.
Dr. Revuelta took a seat beside Wacky Wolf.
"I understand you were a lawyer before you turned revolutionary," Uncle Sam said mildly. "I'll allow you to act as your own counsel."
"Challenge accepted."
Uncle Sam chuckled. "I thought you'd say that, you big blowhard. Seems I recall an old adage that goes, 'A man who acts as his own lawyer has a fool for a client.' "
"Bah!"
"So how do you plead?"
The Maximum Leader of Cuba gazed at the bizarre tribunal seated before him. His quick mind went back to his first trial, back in the old days. He had coined a phrase then. One which he still liked very much. It had resounded in the courtroom then, and he had shouted it to las maws ever since. It had gotten him through every political and strategic mistake he'd ever committed. He repeated it now.
"My guilt or innocence is not for such as jou to say!" he bellowed, shaking an agitated finger in their faces. "History will absolve me!"
And then he launched into a speech, which he intended to go down in history as the longest of his bombastic career.
For the more he kept talking, the more likely it was that his loyal soldiers would come to succor him.
Chapter 29
The President of Cuba was appealing to Monongahela Mouse when his ears picked up the faint clattery rattle of helicopter blades. It was very near. He raised his bull voice to drown out the warning sounds. No doubt it was crack Cuban Marines of the Guevara Battalion, landing on the deck.
"Mongo, my brother," he said as he paced before the Beasley Tribunal. "I appeal to your renowned sense of fairness. Jou and I are mucho hombres. I am a man among men and jou, magnificent one, are a mouse among-how jou say?-mouses."
Mongo stared blankly, round-eared and roundeyed. It was impossible to tell if he was reaching the indefatigable rodent, so the Cuban kept talking.
"The children of Cuba love jou, as do I. How could I, their beloved Lider Maximo, deprive them of your adventures simply because our capitals do not have proper relations?"
The mouse cocked one ear to one side. The duck was nodding its orange beak imperceptibly. And best of all, Uncle Sam himself was growing sleepy of eye. It was working. They were becoming like silly putty in the grip of his oratorical might. Confident, he pressed on.
And the doors banged open.
Fidel turned, a broad grin splitting the bush that was his lower face.