I was more than Alyce, more than myself, more than human.
Everything was different, as if I’d left a well-marked highway for uncharted roads with unknown destinations. But there was also a sense of homecoming, too.
When I’d stepped into Alyce’s body yesterday, adjusting to ordinary things like brushing my hair and putting on clothes made me feel like a toddler taking first steps. But this experience wasn’t bound by flesh or gravity. I wasn’t sure whether I was beside, above, or inside Alyce as I was swept inside her memories — part voyeur, part companion.
Her long black hair danced in a thick braid, like a wild snake trying to catch us as we ran through the kitchen and hid under the table. It was strange how this table seemed so large, as if it had doubled in size since that afternoon.
“It’s not the table that grew,” I realized as a new awareness of self settled over me. Alyce and I were together in her little girl body, giggling with impish delight. She was much younger, maybe four. This memory must have happened before we met.
“I see you!” a man’s voice rang out, laughing.
Then I heard a chair being moved and felt myself lifted into strong arms.
“Daddy! You cheated!” Alyce cried, pretending to be mad, but her giggles gave her away.
“You always hide under the table,” he said.
“Next time I’ll hide in my closet and you won’t find me.”
“It’s a deal,” the stocky man with sideburns and a nice smile told us. Our skinny arms reached around to hug this nice father.
He lifted us to his shoulders and piggy-backed us into the living room.
“Would you like me to read you a story, Ally-kitten?”
“Yes, yes!” we exclaimed, settling onto his lap and feeling comfortable and so happy.
“Which book do you want?”
“About the big sister,” we told him.
“That one again? Aren’t you tired of it yet?” He laughed as he reached for a green book.
“Again! Again!” we exclaimed, and I felt eager along with Alyce to hear this story that was her favorite.
It was a really nice story, too, about a little girl who was teaching her baby sister colors by blowing up a rainbow of balloons, then flying off for a magical balloon a ride in the sky. When the father finished, Alyce and I shouted out “Again!” So he closed the book, flipped back to the first page, and started over.
It was strange how while I became Alyce at this young age, a part of me knew I was still Amber, too, like a ghost of myself was hovering outside the memory. I wondered if this memory would show me how to me help the future Alyce.
I’d never met Alyce’s father, but I knew that’s who was reading to us. I liked how easily he laughed and his relaxed, playful manner. He seemed like the kind of loving dad who would always be there, so what had gone wrong? He sent Alyce gift cards packed with money and had set up a college trust fund for her, but he never visited. “He has a new family,” Alyce had once told me in a steel tone that slammed bars across any further questions.
The book was put aside, and we curled up on the couch with “Daddy” to watch an Animal Planet show about giraffes. We asked questions about spots and long necks until we could hardly keep our eyes open.
Time passed until sounds jarred us from a deep sleep.
Mommy was home, Alyce realized excitedly. She was ready to jump and race across the room for a big welcome-home hug … until the shouting. Together, we lay perfectly still, pretending to be asleep.
Peeking out, though, we saw Mommy and Daddy. But they looked all wrong. Mommy was crying and waving her hands as she begged Daddy not to be mad at her. But Daddy was mad, so angry that he shouted bad words and waved his fist like he wanted to hit Mommy.
“Where were you?” he shouted. “It’s been over two weeks!”
“Don’t know … don’t remember!” Mommy sobbed, her hands clutching her round belly.
“You can’t forget something like that and you’re not … oh my God! What happened?”
“I’m not feeling well … ”
He grabbed her arms. “Why didn’t you call me when you went to the hospital?”
“No hospital … all lost and gone.”
I thought she meant her memory was gone, but something darker lurked under her words and chilled me with a suspicion that the child body I visited couldn’t comprehend. But Alyce knew something was wrong … terribly wrong. Her fear shocked through us, and tears prickled down our cheeks.
“Don’t talk nonsense. Tell me what happened!” Daddy insisted, shaking his wife’s arms so she looked like a floppy doll. “Where have you been?”
Mommy shook her head back and forth, sobbing.
“Answer me! Where is she?”
But Mommy only cried and covered her face with her hands.
Pretend to be asleep, we told ourselves, wanting the bad dream to go away and everything to be happy again. But the yelling hurt our ears and we started to cry …
Daddy noticed and came over to scoop us up in strong arms.
“It’s all right,” he crooned. Then he looked at Mommy and shouted, “What kind of mother are you? How can you just abandon your daughter!”
This only made Mommy cry more and Alyce trembled with fear, understanding enough to know why her mother looked different and what was missing. But she didn’t understand why Mommy was alone.
“Where’s my baby sister?” Alyce cried, tasting salty tears on our lips.
“Gone, gone!” Mommy sobbed hysterically.
“Gone!” Daddy yelled. “That’s not possible — when you ran off you were ready to give birth. I reported you missing but they couldn’t find you. Where were you? Where is she? Tell me right now or I’m calling the police!”
Mommy shook her head frantically. “Don’t know … She’s lost!”
“Lost?” Daddy twisted her arm.
“She wanted to sleep with angels and I found the stairway to heaven. So dark, so alone … so still in my arms. I dug a soft bed and tucked her good-night. But everything hurt and all the blood … so confusing … people and places I didn’t know … and I couldn’t find her. I looked and looked but she was gone. Don’t tell anyone … can’t ever tell!” Mommy begged in a scary voice, like she wasn’t Mommy anymore.
Daddy pushed her away then covered his face with his hands. “What in God’s name have you done?”
“I don’t know … don’t know,” she cried over and over.
“But you have to!” Daddy exploded. “Where is she?”
“Lost … don’t remember.”
“How could you lose your own baby? Unless you … ” Daddy’s voice broke and he was crying, too. “Tell me the truth … is Samantha dead?”
Then the memory ended.
* * *
My connection ended, rocketing me in another direction as if I had been snapped from a rubber band. I floated in a surreal state of energy, leaving Alyce behind as I sailed on a wave of lightness and freedom. But I was not alone — Gabe moved beside me.
Although we weren’t defined by human bodies, I could see him clearly as he wanted me to see him: the authentic Gabe Deverau. His skin was rough from the wind and bronzed from the sun, and his night-black ponytail trailed down his muscled back. I had a mental flash of him standing proudly on the deck of a ship, the anchor on his blue cap seeming to bob as the ship tilted and surged forward into the vast ocean. This was how he saw himself: the passionate link of his soul to the ocean, separate from all the borrowed bodies. Only his eyes — sea-deep and mysterious — remained the same.
But it was Alyce’s face that haunted me. Stealing into her thoughts felt like a betrayal of our friendship. Had she known I was there? Would she hate me for it later? I’d found out shocking things that I did need to know … but at what cost? Would I ever be able to tell her the truth, or was I now the one destined to lie about secrets?
Worry was a fish hook yanking me backwards, and I returned to Alyce’s current body with a shock as soul smacked flesh. My breath caught. I felt stunned, unable to move, and only faintly aware of the electronic noise from aquariums bubbling around me.
Blinking, I stared into Gabe’s face — the borrowed face that had once frightened me but now comforted me with a reassuring smile. There was no curiosity in his gaze, only approval.
“You did it,” he said, with a nod of satisfaction.
But I couldn’t talk, only sag against a counter stacked with bags of fish food. I had no idea how disturbing sinking into Alyce’s memories would be, and worse yet was discovering that she carried this memory inside her yet had never told me. There had been hints, though, like when she got angry at the card I gave her on her eighth birthday. It had said, “You’re like a sister to me.” She’d ripped it up, saying that being best friends was better than sisters. She’d also said her reason for going to cemeteries was to take photographs for her Morbidity Collection. But was that really why? Or was she searching for her baby sister Samantha?
Sam.
The signature Alyce gave to her painting wasn’t a random pseudonym. But why hadn’t Alyce confided in me? She could have trusted me to keep her secret. While losing a baby wasn’t unusual, hiding the death was illegal … and suspicious. Why did Alyce’s mother do such crazy things?
Maybe because she was crazy.
And I’d left her home alone.
“I need to go back,” I told Gabe, jumping up, the half-eaten candy bar falling from my lap to the chair.
“Not yet!” He shook his head, the golden brown hair beneath his sailor’s cap falling loosely out of its ponytail.
“Alyce’s mother may need me.”
“But we’ve only just started here — there’s so much more to show you.”
“I’ve seen enough … too much.” I started for the door; my head pounding like it would burst and spill out all my emotions.
“Wait!” He moved to block me from the door, tilting his head curiously. “I don’t know what happened with your friend, but obviously it was disturbing. Your energy is in distress mode — which can be dangerous to you and your friend.”
“Leaving Alyce’s mother alone for too long is a bigger danger. I can’t believe I never guessed what Alyce was going through. I have to be the worst best friend in the world.”
“You can be the best at everything if you let me teach you more powers. That was only the beginning of what you can do.”
“The beginning and end,” I said, overwhelmed with emotions. “I’m going to tell my grandmother to switch me back so someone experienced can help Alyce. And I’ll ask her to meet you, too, Gabe. I haven’t forgotten my promise.”
I reached for the door but as my hand touched the knob, the floor seemed to rise and sway. My mind spun like I’d been racing on a roller coaster for days and my knees buckled.
Gabe caught me before I hit the ground, my head so dizzy that I hardly noticed the electricity from his touch. I opened my mouth to warn him about touching me but there was no sound, only a feeble sigh.
“I was afraid this would happen,” Gabe said as he led me over to a chair and gently sat me down.
“What?” I rasped out, sagging against the hard wood.
“You overstimulated your psyche.”
“Huh?” I rubbed my head.
“Doing too much too quickly. The energy you tapped into is still pulsing through you, and if you don’t detoxify immediately you’ll risk soul burnout.”
I sucked in a shaky breath and stared at him with incredulously. “Detoxify my soul? That sounds painful. Why didn’t you warn me there were risks?”
“There are always risks,” he said, frowning down at me. “But I can help you through this if you trust me. I may need to touch your hand so I can share some of my energy with you. Otherwise, there may be serious damage from what you’ve just experienced. I had no idea your connection would be so intense.”
His voice, with its gentle lilt and deep caring tone, touched me with a similar tingle as the feel of his hand on mine. And I calmed down instantly, my mind and body seeming to merge together in the steady beat of Alyce’s heart. I thought of her mother, miles away and sleeping safely. I’d overreacted, worrying about her when I needed to take care of this body first.
“You landed too quickly,” he continued, “bringing back the same anxiety that caused your friend’s crisis, and your body is reacting as if pumped full of toxins. That’s why you should always separate your own emotions from those of your Host Body.”
“How do I fix it?” I sucked in a deep breath, struggling for energy.
“Rise out of the physical and cleanse away the trauma.”
“Leave Alyce’s body again?” I asked uneasily.
“Not completely. Otherwise the trauma will attack your temporary body — like a virus infecting a computer.”
“You’re scaring me,” I whispered, closing my eyes and focusing on his voice. For a bad guy, he wasn’t so bad.
“Don’t worry, I can fix everything. Take this.” His strong callused fingers intertwined with my own, tingling with familiar warmth that felt friendly, not frightening. I heard the rustling paper and smelled the sweet cocoa aroma of chocolate. He pressed a square of candy against my mouth, his fingers sizzling heat as they brushed my lips.
A cool breeze of energy swept through me, and I wondered if it had more to do with Gabe than with the chocolate. He guided me like he had before, asking me to focus inwardly and gather strength. It happened quicker — the lift and pull of my soul rising, and the awareness of separating. I saw Alyce’s body slumped in a chair below me. She looked so pale and lifeless, and I had to fight the urge to sink back inside her skin.
Before I could panic, I sensed Gabe’s presence beside me. And then a euphoric blanket of warmth wrapped around me like a comforting hug. I again saw him in his true form: his blue cap newer-looking and his black ponytail hanging over his muscled shoulder. I even smelled the salty spray of sea. And his gray-green eyes found me, too.
Although I knew our bodies weren’t flesh and blood in this surreal plane, more like holographs, when I reached out, I met his steady grasp. Shared warmth heated me like lava spilling from a mountain, and I felt strangely close to this dead guy who was supposed to be my enemy. He’d gone a long distance to find me, risked his own safety, and was sharing himself in a way that went beyond casual friendship. It was hard to remember that I’d ever feared him.
Wild excitement surged through me. I found myself leaning toward him, longing for more … for a closeness that wasn’t physically possible in a human body. But we weren’t human anymore. We were two souls sharing an amazing experience, which was both freeing and terrifying.
“What’s happening to me?” I asked in thoughts.
“You’re detoxifying. I’m using my power to free you of negative energy.” I heard his answer although his mouth didn’t move, and I wondered if I was really seeing him or merely a projection he wanted me to see. It was all so confusing … but not unpleasant. It was as if we were both whiffs of wind floating peacefully on a summer breeze.
“Am I myself or Alyce?”
“You’re uniquely Amber and completely beautiful.” If he’d said this in a normal voice while in a physical body, I might have been embarrassed and worried that Gabe was hitting on me, but we were beyond all that, in our purest form.
A change sprinkled around me like gentle rain. I looked down to see my own square fingers with a small scar on my thumb from the first (and only) fishing trip with my father. Long braids no longer fell over my shoulder and I reached up to touch my too-curly hair. And I was feeling wonderful — joyful, with energy that seemed endless, as if I were connected to a blissful infinity of life.
“This is incredible.” I sent out with waves of gratitude to Gabe.
“It gets better,” he replied in that same wordless way. A glow spun around his handsome face like silvery rings circling a planet. “You’ve shown me more friendship than anyone in my entire life and death. You’ve given me so much that I want to give you a gift in return that you’ll remember forever.”
“What?” I asked soundlessly.
“Fusing. It’s a way to share my secrets and powers. I’ve never trusted anyone enough to make this offer — only you. When you learn what I can show you, you’ll be able to create your own miracles.”
Miracles? Like helping Alyce and healing her mother? With Gabe’s knowledge and the power that came with it, I could do amazing things as a Temp Lifer. I could help everyone without making any mistakes.
“Say yes,” Gabe whispered, with such passion and promise that I wanted to lean into him and discover his amazing secrets. He was so handsome, so intriguing and yet tortured, too. He could help me and I would help him.
He held out his ethereal arms, a dazzling light, shining in shades of flame, flowing from his hands. “Fuse with me, Amber.”