Dick usually woke up feeling horny but this Friday morning he woke up feeling very horny and also very nostalgic. That’s not to say he was thinking about various sexual exploits in his past, and god knows there were thousands of these. No, this morning he was nostalgic for the reason that brought him to this research facility the first time; Jack. He wanted to find out where the mechanical murderer was being stored and pay him a visit. This was partly out of curiosity, partly because he had so much time to kill, but mainly because it would act as a diversion while he tried to figure out a way of thwarting Maxx’s evil plans.
After quickly washing and dressing Dick left his room. True to Maxx’s word, he was allowed to wander freely about the facility but despite this apparent liberty Dick felt he was, in effect, in an open prison. He remembered being here the first time developing Jack, and how tedious it was. Sure, the building was teeming with men and women, scientists, engineers and technicians but they were too busy and too focussed to spend much time with him to explain what they were doing or even just stop for a chat. Apart from being boring this previous visit has also given rise to feelings of inadequacy; the same thing was happening again. Dick became very self-conscious that he didn’t have a white lab coat, and felt very conspicuous and uncomfortable without one. In the tenth floor cafeteria he had a coffee and an iced bun and read the morning newspapers, conscious that people were staring at him. He was just leaving when he almost collided with a technician hurrying down the corridor carrying a long, flapping computer print out.
‘I’m so sorry’, the man said, staring at Dick. ‘You’re Jeremy Brunel. I’ve heard about you’.
Dick was pleased that his reputation preceded him. He admitted he was Jeremy, realising that Maxx couldn’t have revealed the truth about Dick and his recent unmasking. He was very much one for maintaining the status quo and for keeping up appearances.
‘I heard you were here. Under the personal invitation of the Leader’, the technician said. Dick felt that the word ‘orders’ was more appropriate than the word ‘invitation’ but decided to go along with the charade.
‘That’s right. He thought it would be useful for me to see the final preparations for the, er…’ Dick touched the side of his nose and winked. ‘You know…’
The technician looked at him blankly.
‘You know’, Dick continued. ‘The, er…’ This time he winked and stamped his right foot twice.
No reaction. Dick touched the other side of his nose, winked with his other eye and stamped his foot four times. Nothing. Dick looked both ways down the corridor and made the sound of a muffled explosion then grabbed his genitals and performed a mime of them melting away into nothing. The technician frowned so Dick grabbed the lapels of his lab coat and pulled him close towards him, speaking through gritted teeth, ‘The incotence gong’.
‘Incotence gong?’ asked the technician.
‘Gat’s got I said’, Dick replied, then opening his mouth properly explained, ‘I was talking through my teeth’.
‘Why?’ asked the technician.
‘Because the Impotence Bomb is a top-secret project, that’s why!’ Dick replied in annoyance.
‘No it’s not’, said the technician. ‘Everyone on the upper levels knows about it. We’re working round the clock to get it ready for launch on Saturday’.
‘Sunday’ replied Dick.
‘I brought it forward a day’, announced a different voice. Dick turned to see Maxx, accompanied by Carter, walking towards them. Maxx shooed the technician away and the anxious-looking man scuttled down the corridor almost colliding with someone else.
‘Why did you do that?’ Dick enquired, with a trace of anxiety in his voice. Now he only had two days to save the world.
‘Impatience’, said Maxx calmly. ‘And because I’m the Leader. It means I can do things like that’.
‘But will you be ready in time?’
‘Yes’, Maxx said with an air of confidence so absolute that it was scary. ‘Half the people in this building have been taken off their various projects to provide assistance’. Maxx put a friendly arm around Dick and the two of them walked along. ‘Now, what are your plans today Dick?’
‘I’d like to see Jack. For old time’s sake’, Dick answered nervously.
‘What a splendid idea’, Maxx said. ‘I think he’s kept on one of the sub-levels but ask any of the staff here. They know you’re my special guest and will only be too pleased to assist. After you’ve finished, join me at four o’clock in the main test laboratory for one of the bomb’s final trials. You’ll find it very educational’.
At the next intersection Maxx and Carter turned left and Dick turned right. He didn’t go right for any reason other than that he wanted to get away from Maxx who continued to make him feel very uneasy. Dick wandered around for a while until he’d put some distance between him and the Leader and then asked a white-coated woman where he could find Jack. She made a few enquiries and then directed Dick to a room down on sub level four. A few minutes, and a convoluted route later, Dick reached the room in question. He hesitated before opening the door.
His expectation was of seeing Jack presented in some sort of glass showcase, perhaps cordoned off by a thick blue rope, with a plaque explaining his background and the valuable contribution made by Jeremy Brunel. Dick pushed open the door and turned on the lights. After their flickering became a steady glow Dick realised he was in what appeared to be less of a museum environment and more of a glorified storeroom. Jack was standing in the corner surrounded by an assortment of de-commissioned, or just broken, mechanical equipment. In fact he wasn’t even standing. He was leaning against a wall and his suit, while free of the stains of hydraulic fluid and fake blood, was covered in dust. His posture, appearance and environment were certainly not in keeping with his character of a rich, well-to-do man about town, and definitely didn’t reflect the success he’d recently enjoyed.
Dick hop-scotched over an assortment of metal junk and old cables to reach Jack. With some difficulty he managed to stand the heavy figure upright then brushed the dust from its shoulders. A bulge in Jack’s jacket pocket revealed a long knife in a sheath. Dick withdrew it. The blade was tarnished but still deadly. He replaced it and then felt the operating switch concealed under Jack’s collar. Dick really wanted to flick it on to see what happened but he wasn’t sure if this was wise. While he was deliberating, a nasally voice echoed in the room.
‘Turn him on if you like’. Dick spun round to see Dr. Hargreaves standing in the doorway. ‘He’s probably still part-charged up but he can’t do anything. We had him de-programmed after his work was done’. Dr. Hargreaves negotiated his way over to Dick and limply shook his hand with the same degree of contempt he’d shown at their last meeting.
‘I’ve just been with the Leader. He told me where I might find you’. Dick knew Hargreaves had been sent to keep an eye on him. ‘Jack was a tremendous success and a real feather in our cap. Should he ever need to, he’s ready to go into action again at short notice; all he needs is re-programming, re-charging and a quick wash and brush-up’. Dr. Hargreaves continued in a begrudging tone. ‘Your contribution to the project was highly regarded’. Speaking under his breath, but still loud enough for Dick to hear, he added, ‘by some’.
The two men continued with small talk about Jack and his mission but any bonhomie between them was very phoney and extremely awkward. In fact Dick wasn’t even listening to what the doctor was saying; he was trying to think of a way to get rid of him so he could be alone. Dick needed time to think and work out a plan of action. Hargreaves, likewise, wasn’t listening to what Dick was saying; he was thinking of an excuse to leave so he could get back to his real work. After all, he was a chief scientist, not a spy. And besides, Dick was pretty harmless in this storeroom, lost in his memories and the junk here. The solution to both of their wishes came via a knock on the door followed by a familiar voice.
‘Dr. Hargreaves?’.
The doctor turned to the tall, distinguished looking man standing in the open doorway and smiled. ‘Kelvin? Come in. Let me introduce you to someone you obviously know by reputation’.
Turning to Dick, Dr. Hargreaves said ‘Jeremy, this is Kelvin Huntley, a Grade 3b programmer on Project Gladstone. He was one of the back-room boffins. I don’t think you two ever met’.
As Kelvin approached, Dick’s eyes popped out of his skull on coiled springs to the accompaniment of a klaxon. His jaw dropped to the floor and his tongue unrolled all the way across it. Of course, these things didn’t actually happen — but they would have if Dick had been a cartoon character. The reason? The two men had met before, quite a number of times in fact. On these occasions though, Dick knew Kelvin Huntley by a different name. That name was Taylor.
Taylor (aka Kelvin) shook Dick’s hand warmly but he gave no indication whatsoever of any previous meetings. ‘I’m so pleased to eventually meet you Mr. Brunel. This was a great project to work on. We pushed the boundaries on programming, creating new cybernetic algorithms as we went. I’d really like to tell you all about the complexities of the project and how we overcame the problems along the way’.
‘That’s a splendid idea Kelvin’, said an enthusiastic Dr. Hargreaves, realising this was the excuse to leave he so dearly needed. ‘I’m sure Mr. Brunel would love to hear all the intricacies about Project Gladstone. Don’t spare him the detail though!’ Turning to Dick the doctor added, ‘You’re in good hands Jeremy. You’ll find what Kelvin has to say truly interesting’. He looked at his watch. ‘I have to go now but I’ll see you at four in the test lab. Kelvin will show you the way’.
Dr. Hargreaves left, closing the door behind him.
Taylor put his fingers to his lips and mouthed, ‘Shhhhh’ before continuing. ‘Let me start at the beginning Mr. Brunel’, he said, still with no hint of recognition in his voice or in his expression. ‘We had four main obstacles to overcome with the programme starting with a logarithmic inexactitude that needed addressing and a conflict in the hexadecimal point syntax. And when we considered the concurrent logic circuits, it transpired there was a procedural paradigm in the source code!’
Taylor went on like this for seemingly ages. Then again, it might have been for just a few minutes but all the talk about coding linguistics and programming hypotheses made it seem like ages. Still talking, Taylor quietly pushed the storeroom door open as quietly as he could, peeked out in both directions and then closed it again. He took out his pocket watch and opened the back to reveal some sort of gauge, pointing it all around the room.
‘OK, it’s not bugged. We’re clear!’. Putting the watch away Taylor hugged Dick but in a manly way, the way a leader of the Resistance would hug his key operative.
‘It’s great to see you’, Taylor whispered. ‘I can’t thank you enough for giving Alice that warning about Parnell’. Taylor shook his head. ‘In the back of my mind I knew his defection was too good to be true. I should have listened to you. Yes, I know I was too hasty and I am truly ashamed of my actions’.
‘That’s OK’, said Dick, still recovering from the shock of seeing him. ‘Is everyone OK?’
‘Yes. Thanks to you’, said Taylor. ‘I couldn’t believe it when I heard you were here. I had to find you!’
‘And I can’t believe you worked here all along. And on Project Gladstone too!’, gasped Dick. ‘How come we never met when I was here before?’
‘There were a couple of occasions where our paths could have crossed but I made certain I kept right out of your way. If you ever saw me or knew what I did here it would have compromised my position’. Taylor continued. ‘That time in the library when we discussed Alice, I told you I knew about the scheme and that I had an engineering background. I couldn’t tell you any more in case you were ever captured’.
‘I wouldn’t have revealed that sort of information’, Dick said confidently.
‘But what if you were tortured?’
Dick gulped. It was a big gulp. A gulp in direct proportion to the enormity of what he was about to say. ‘Ah… yes… If I was tortured…’
‘That’s right. How do you know you wouldn’t have cracked? I’ve heard of the strongest-willed men and women crumbling under Party torture’.
‘Theyweregoingtogetwaspstostingmynob!’, blurted Dick.
‘Pardon’, said Taylor.
‘Wasps. On my nob. Crawling over it. Stinging it. Time and time again. Venom entering my penis. Attacking the nerve ends. Burning. Burning. I couldn’t take it!’ Dick was hysterical. Taylor slapped him across the face.
‘Pull yourself together man! You’re talking jibberish. You’re no use to anyone like this. Tell me everything that’s happened since that Ruling Council meeting’. Then he slapped him again, this time really hard. This slap wasn’t actually necessary; it’s just that Taylor still had a tiny, lingering amount of seething resentment as a result of what happened between Dick and Alice and this was his way of finally getting closure.
So, perched on a large cable drum, Dick told Taylor all the recent news, each subsequent disclosure being more significant and almost more unbelievable than the previous. Dick told Taylor about Benjamin not being a subversive and how Vera framed him. Then Dick told him about how he was exposed by the Leader and who the leader actually was — not just a resistance member who suddenly vanished, but Dick’s old rival. By this point Taylor didn’t know whether he was prepared for any more revelations but Dick continued, revealing in graphic detail how he’d been tortured, although he elaborated on one tiny part of the story to make him sound more heroic. In Dick’s re-imagining of the events the insects had actually been released into the wasp box and were crawling all over his penis, stinging it time after time after time until he gave in and confessed everything he knew about the Resistance and his own mission. Dick saved the best piece of news for last; the secret weapon itself.
Taylor had mixed emotions. He was livid that Dick had given in to torture, even if it did involve wasps and his penis. He was delighted that he’d been right all along about a secret weapon. And he was absolutely terrified on hearing that the weapon was going to be launched the day after tomorrow.
‘My god!’, Taylor exclaimed. ‘So it’s an Impotence Bomb!’
‘You didn’t know about it?’ asked Dick in amazement. ‘Even though you worked here?’
‘No. None of us working in my section have been involved in any part of the project’ said Taylor. ‘There are different levels of security clearance embedded in our ID chips and as a mere Grade 3b programmer I’m not allowed access to the upper levels of this building where the bomb was being developed’. Taylor stood up and began to pace the room, which wasn’t easy as most of the floor space was covered in junk. ‘We’ve got to consider our next course of action — and quickly. Let’s see what we’ve got’.
Counting on his fingers Taylor began summarising the status as he saw it. ‘Point one, we know about the weapons and where they’re currently stored in this building. Point two, you’ve still got your freedom…’
‘Very limited freedom’, interjected Dick, rubbing his crotch to make it look like the unbelievably painful wasp stings he received during his torture were still causing him a high degree of discomfort.
‘Granted, but at least you’re not dead or imprisoned’, Taylor added, ‘And that means, point three; you can still potentially stop the launch or at least disable the bombs’.
‘You forgot point four: how the fuck am I going to do that? The bombs are kept in a locked room protected round the clock by two armed guards and the only people who can access them are Maxx or Hargreaves via a retina scan’, Dick said dejectedly, adding for good measure, ‘And they’ll soon be ready, primed and transported to multiple launch sites’.
‘I see’. Taylor rubbed his chin, deep in thought. Then he rubbed his chin some more before finally saying, ‘That means we need to put point five into effect’.
‘And that is…?’ Dick asked.
‘Our plan’.
Now it was time for Dick to rub his chin. I don’t mean that Dick rubbed Taylor’s chin. That would be odd and quite disturbing. No. Dick rubbed his own chin. ‘So, you’ve got a plan, eh?’
It turned out that Taylor did. He outlined the basics to Dick and the two of them fleshed it out, there and then. As plans went it seemed to work in principle, but then again, most plans do. This plan required Taylor’s technical skills and Dick’s ability to move within the research facility without arousing too much suspicion. The biggest stumbling point was getting access to the bombs. Neither of them could figure a way of doing that discretely, so both agreed to sleep on the problem.
Taylor looked at his pocket watch. ‘Right. It’s ten minutes to four. I’ll show you where the main test lab is then I’ve got to go. Come back here tomorrow morning at nine. Tell Hargreaves that you want to continue our discussion’.
‘But he might not want me to’, suggested Dick.
‘I know Hargreaves’, said Taylor confidently. ‘He’ll be under immense pressure from the Leader to finalise every single detail for the launch; to check, cross-check and cross-cross-check everything so that absolutely nothing goes wrong. The last person he wants interfering in anything or bothering him is you. Say you want to keep out of his way for the day and he’ll breathe a huge sigh of relief and send you on your way with his blessing. I guarantee it’.
‘Nine it is then’, said Dick as they both set off for the test lab.