“Aw, c’mon, Garrett! Why would you do that to me?”
“What’s wrong?” asked Sarah, peeking into the bathroom.
“He pooped on the new diaper while I was changing it! That had to be on purpose. There’s no way he just happened to be about to go when I changed the diaper.”
“You don’t think so? He poops eighty-five thousand times a day. Why wouldn’t one of them be while you’re changing the diaper?”
Toby recoiled. “Have you ever smelled anything so foul? Maybe he has some sort of digestive problem or something. That can’t be natural.”
“You’re acting like your own feces have a flowery aroma.”
“I’m not sayin’ my poop don’t stink. I’m saying that his poop smells worse. Just come in. Come closer.”
“No, I’m fine out here.”
“It’s like, I’m worried it’s going to dissolve through the sink. It’s that nasty. I think it’s a specially formulated kind of baby food designed by the government to keep people from having more kids.”
“It’s not working. I’m pregnant.”
Toby froze. “What?”
“Kidding.”
“I’ll fling some of this at you.”
“Then I’ll be leaving. I’m proud of you. You’re a good daddy for facing the stinky poo menace.”
“Do you remember that time in our life, long ago, when we talked about other things? I don’t recall the subjects, exactly, but I have this vague recollection that there actually existed conversations that weren’t related to diaper contents.”
“No idea what you’re talking about. Sorry.”
“Okay, this is going to be a challenging concept for you to grasp, but I need you to work with me.” Toby held up the jumbo-size bag of beef jerky. Owen sniffed the air and reached for it.
“No, no, not yet. What we’re going to discuss today is ‘rationing treats.’ There’s no way I’ll be back here for at least a week, and I want you to have some tasty snacks while I’m gone, so you need to learn how to not eat this entire bag in one gulp. What I’m going to do is set the pieces of jerky in different places, and when you feel like a treat, you’ll pick a single piece and enjoy it. If you gobble it all down, there won’t be any treats for a few days. Do you think you can handle that idea?”
The lesson in rationing treats was a failure.