But before the Master of Sinanju could locate the proper place on the warhead, the missile began to rumble and shake, and then there was a roar of fire far beneath him, and then he felt the huge missile rise under his feet, and he felt himself rising with it.
?Chapter Nine
The first thing Remo Williams noticed when he woke up was the smell.
"Cheez, Chiun," he said thickly. "Whatever crap you're cooking is burning."
The room was silent. Remo sat up in bed, and the stiffness of his limbs and the slight peeling of the burned portions of his body both told him he had been asleep not for a few hours, but for at least a full day. Then he realized the awful smell was coming from his own body.
Remo wiped a film of some greasy substance off one leg. It looked like yellowed library paste but smelled like a cheese dip whose principal ingredients included year-old fishheads, sulphur, and a smell he could not identify, but which he imagined turtle eggs smelled like after being buried for a thousand years.
Most of his body was covered with the gunk. Remo recognized it as one of Chiun's Korean remedies. God alone knew what it was made from, and Remo preferred that He keep the information to Himself. Remo showered and dressed quickly.
It was only after he had dressed that Remo found Chiun's note, which was next to his bed, rolled up and tied with a green ribbon. Remo undid the ribbon and read the scroll:
Remo, my son:
First, I forgive you for not telling me about the USO, whose importance to the House of Sinanju you may or may not have realized. Do not concern yourself that your ignorance almost prevented the Master of Sinanju, who has trained you even though you are only a white and often ungrateful, from solving one of the greatest mysteries of Sinanju and thus taking his rightful place in the archives as Chiun, the Great Explainer. I am on my way to remedy your oversight, so do not be concerned about this. In Sinanju, there can be no mistakes, but only detours along the path to a final goal.
By the time you read these words, Remo, my healing balm will have done its work, and I will have taken the first steps toward fulfilling my destiny. This is an important thing, as you must realize by now, and a dangerous thing, which is why I must face this thing alone. For should anything happen to me, you will become the reigning Master, even though you are white and almost cost me this great opportunity. Do not look for me, Remo. My pilgrimage may be a long one, and I will return if it is willed by my ancestors that I return. And on that day I will explain to you what you, in your ignorance, did not realize, but for which I have, in my magnanimity, forgiven you.
Know that I do not hold against you your inability to keep your elbow straight when thrusting. Viewed against all your other inadequacies, that fault is trivial.
Although the letter was in English, the signature was in Korean, and instead of putting his formal title, name, and symbolic chop at the bottom as he usually did, the Master of Sinanju had signed the note simply, "Chiun."
"Dammit, Chiun," Remo said when he was done reading. "Why couldn't you wait around one lousy day?" Remo read the letter again, and after his fourth reading he realized it was not going to tell him what he wanted to know most— namely what in blazes Chiun was talking about. Where had he gone? And what had the USO to do with anything? Remo tried to think, but his head was fuzzy. His mouth and lips were dry. He drank three glasses of water.
Then Remo called the local time number and discovered he'd been unconscious for one day. Before he could hang up, the computer voice warbled, and then it was Smith asking, "Remo. What is going on? I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
"Smitty? How'd you do that?"
"Never mind. Are you all right?"
"Yeah. Yeah, a little stiff, I guess. But Chiun's taken off. He left some kind of dipshit note and it doesn't make any sense. He's pissed off at me and the USO for some reason."
"He probably meant UFO," Smith said dryly.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. That's right. I forgot about them."
"Remo," Smith said. "There was a serious nuclear accident a few hours ago near Oklahoma City. A Titan II missile was activated. Fortunately, it misfired and fell back into its silo. But there were casualties, and the press has found out some of it. We couldn't keep it a secret this time."
"Great. As if I don't have enough problems with Chiun off chasing flying saucers."
"Remo. This is a grave matter. The president just called me. He's concerned. But I told him you were already on the matter."
"It all ties in with those nutty FOES people, Smitty. They dragged me out into the woods to meet a flying saucer, and I got zapped."
"I know. Chiun told me. They used ultrasonics. It's not fatal, obviously. But it could be."
"That's comforting. Look, I gotta get moving. No telling what they're up to and where Chiun is."
"Are you sure you can handle this without Chiun?"
"He's my trainer, not my babysitter," Remo said and hung up before Smith could ask questions. Remo had to find Chiun.
Remo called the FOES number, but got no answer. Now what? That had been his only lead. He could investigate the missile site that had been wasted, except that Smith hadn't told him which site it was, and Remo didn't feel like calling old lemon puss back right now. Never mind hassling with military idiots at the site who would probably shoot at him and inconvenience him in other minor ways.
That left the spot where Remo had been zapped by the whatever-it-was with the lights. Might as well try that, he thought and left, not bothering to close or to lock the door behind him. He wondered if he still smelled of Chiun's ointment...
* * *
The Master of Sinanju was keeping his temper under control. It was not easy. Had he not gotten the blonde woman and her friends into the missile place? Had he not told the blonde woman that he was going to neutralize the missile, which was what she had wanted? Had he not then left her sight only a few minutes? Had he not also done all of her work for her despite her ineptitude— and nearly completed the task, when he found the missile on which he stood rising from its hole when it was not necessary?
Yes, he had. He had put up with her stupidity, her ignorance, and her lack of proper respect toward the Master of Sinanju.
And what had his reward been?
His reward was to find himself atop a missile that was going to land in the barbarian land of the Russias.
It was fortunate, the Master of Sinanju told himself, that an object of that size and weight did not rise rapidly in the beginning, that its initial movement was vibration, which the Master could detect, and that when the fire began streaming from its tail, the missile lifted slowly against gravity at first. Very slowly.
Chiun had waited until the warhead came level with the open roof before he stepped off it onto the ground outside, where two great horns of fire were shooting up at opposite angles. These were exhaust flames carried up by deflector vents, although Chiun did not know this. He only knew they were dangerous and so avoided them. He also knew that once the missile escaped its hole, it would spill even more flame behind it, and because he did not know how much flame, he jumped from its path. And the missile rose in thunder, like a tree growing out of the earth faster than trees could grow, but still slowly compared to the speed of Sinanju.
Chiun had made it to the shelter of the control bunker when the missile fell back into its hole and exploded. It was not so much an explosion as it was a falling and bursting apart. But there had been no mushroom cloud, so Chiun knew he was in no danger. He also knew that if there had been a mushroom cloud, he would not have seen it anyway, and there would now be a new Master of Sinanju, and the old Master— himself— would have been cheated of his rightful destiny.
"I'm sorry," Amanda Bull was saying as the FOES van tore off into the night, leaving behind a ruined Titan II missile, one of the most destructive devices known to man.
"You have caused destruction and death where none was necessary," Chiun told her as he arranged his robes so the seat would not wrinkle them.
"It was an accident," Group Leader Amanda Bull lied. "I pressed the button by accident."
"And did you kill that man by accident, too?"
"How did you know about him?"
"There is blood on your clothes and a smell on your weapon that tells me it has been fired. Who else would you kill?"
"It was necessary. Besides, we should all count ourselves lucky that I found the abort button in time. It could've been a lot worse."
Chiun sniffed audibly. "Emperor Smith will be displeased. My village depends upon his gold."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Amanda said. "I already said I was sorry."
"I'm sorry, too, Mr. Chiun," Ethel Sump said.
"I accept your apology, but not hers," Chiun told Ethel. Then he asked, "Where are we going?"