“Sir,” said the completely nondescript bureaucratic drone whose fortune-telling mother hadn’t even bothered to name him due to his fated role in the world, “it appears that Kansas and Wyoming have been taken by the Hobo Empire.”
“So?” said the President of the Amalgamated Provinces and States of Canada, America and Mexico.
“I really don’t see how that’s even close to being the appropriate response, sir. It seems kind of callous and unprofessional, especially given your title and responsibilities.”
“It was Kansas and Wyoming.”
“Today, yes. But those are the nineteenth and twentieth states to fall since Pennsylvania last week.”
“I’m not following.”
“The Hobo Empire has now annexed the entire Midwest and, as of this morning, set the west coast on fire.”
“I’m not familiar with that term, son. Are you trying to say they’re forcibly taking the western states? That they’ve laid siege to California?”
“No, sir, I mean, quite literally, that the full length of the western coastline is aflame. I’m not really sure how, but even the ocean is burning.”
“That doesn’t seem right.”
“There are also reports that the one calling himself Quinn is, in actuality, the Aztec god of creation and knowledge.”
“Quetzalcoatl?!”
“One and the same, sir.”
“I thought we killed that son of a bitch years ago! I’ll never understand why he couldn’t just accept that he was no longer deific and become human or kill himself like all the others. Instead, that motherfucker destroyed half of Mexico and made me look like a fool.”
“Yes, sir, I’m sure that was entirely his doing, sir.”
“We’re just going to have to kill him all over again then,” said the president, his eyes growing wide and glazing over. “We’ve no other choice.”
“How exactly do you plan on doing that, sir? There are still far, far too many civilians for a nuclear strike. And we can’t even be sure that would get rid of him anyway. Quetzalcoatl’s destroyed wave after wave of murder-drones all on his own, and his philosopher army is proving fairly proficient at surviving now as well.”
“This isn’t my first rodeo, boy,” replied the president. “We’re calling in a specialist.”