“By no pounds or Indians will some photosynthesizing chimp-neighbor buy up all my property, no ma’am,” muttered Quetzalcoatl, picking himself off the ground once again.
“Is he insulting us or having a stroke?” asked Chester A. Arthur XVII.
“I don’t know,” said Thor, shaking his head, “and I don’t really care.”
He nodded to a pile of power tools and construction equipment by the curb and said, “I brought presents.”
“I call the chainsaw!” said Catrina.
“Damn it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII and Queen Victoria XXX in unison.
“Oh, man,” said Catrina, picking up the chainsaw, “this thing is heavy.”
“Then let me take it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII, looking sadly at the nail-gun in his hand.
“Why?” countered Queen Victoria XXX. “”Cause you’re a man and she’s just a little girl?”
“What? No, that’s not…”
“Then what, Charlie? What are you…”
The president looked at Catrina, struggling to start the gas-powered saw.
“I’m just saying, I’ve—we, we, you and me—have more experience in…”
“She’s never going to learn if you keep treating her like…”
“I’m not treating her like anything! I was simply…”
“Uh, hurry up, guys,” said Thor, taking a punch to the jaw from Quetzalcoatl. He retaliated by kicking Quetzalcoatl in the crotch, only to realize that Quetzalcoatl didn’t have a crotch. The Aztec snake god pushed the off-balance Thor to the side.
“Chocolate-coated peanuts!”
“Oh, no,” said Queen Victoria XXX, “I think we broke him.”
Quetzalcoatl lunged at the queen. She side-stepped his attack and hit him in the back of the head with a pair of crowbars. He staggered slightly from the blow, long enough for Chester A. Arthur XVII to fire the nail-gun into his neck repeatedly.
“Son of a bitch!”
Quetzalcoatl swung blindly behind him. Chester A. Arthur XVII dodged the attack easily, then grabbed the Aztec god’s hand and nailed it to the lower part of his back. Queen Victoria XXX cracked Quetzalcoatl across the face.
“Puppies, all of you!”
Quetzalcoatl extended his wings, knocking down both the president and the queen. He turned to lunge at Chester A. Arthur XVII, only to catch a sledgehammer from Thor with his teeth. The snake god fell backwards from the blow, landing against an upturned slab of sidewalk. Chester A. Arthur XVII scrambled to his feet and fired the nail gun into Quetzalcoatl’s shoulders, arms, and wings, pinning him to the slab.
“Catrina, take his fucking head off,” ordered the president. “Now.”
Catrina pulled the cord urgently and the chainsaw roared to life. Still carrying it unsteadily, she took a step toward the Aztec god.
“OK, maybe, uh, maybe you were right,” she said. “I don’t know if I really feel comfortable doing this.”
“Fine, whatever, I’ll do it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII.
“Why…” started Queen Victoria XXX.
“Because I’m closer, Vicky,” replied the president, shouting over his shoulder as he ran toward Catrina. “This is not the god damned time for this.”
“Thanks,” said Catrina, carefully handing over the chainsaw to the presidential clone.
Chester A. Arthur XVII reached out his hand, but was grabbed by Quetzalcoatl’s tail before he could grab the saw. The snake god slammed the president into the side of the casino repeatedly, before impaling Chester on an exposed piece of metal.
“Charlie!” cried out Queen Victoria XXX, before turning and slashing her crowbars across the still-pinned Aztec god’s face. She twirled the crowbars in her hands, adjusting her grip, and drove them both into Quetzalcoatl’s chest.
Quetzalcoatl howled, then swung his tail back, catching Queen Victoria at the knees. He snapped his tail, changing its direction instantly and whipping it across the queen’s face, gashing her cheek as she fell to the ground.
Thor stepped quickly toward Quetzalcoatl, raising the sledgehammer. The Aztec god, wary of another blow to the face, picked Queen Victoria up off the ground and hurled her directly at Thor. The former god of thunder checked his swing and attempted to catch the queen, the two of them dropping to the ground in a tangle.
Quetzalcoatl struggled to free himself, absent-mindedly thrashing his tail at Catrina in the process.
“Oh shit,” she said, lifting the chainsaw at the incoming tail.
Catrina held her ground, the teeth of the saw tearing into the writhing tail, but it was a futile defense. Quetzalcoatl freed himself from the slab and darted to the girl’s side, grabbing Catrina by the neck. The chainsaw fell to the ground.
“I am going to murder you… and your children… and your goats.”
“Put her down,” said Thor, picking up his sledgehammer and limping toward Quetzalcoatl.
“You rock-skulled, rooster-smoking sack of liquids,” replied the snake-man, “when are you going to learn? You can’t kill me. I’m a god.”
“Funny story,” said Thor, tilting his head and cracking his neck, “so am I.”