"I don’t suppose you talked to him much."
"Well, that’s the thing — our prizes went to the people who’d traveled the farthest to be there. And this kid said he’d come from Philadelphia.
"…Hello? You still there, Mike?"
"I’m here. This is outstanding news. You’re sure it was Philadelphia?"
"I’m sure. He shouted it twice, and then he tried to convince everyone that it was farther away than Maine, and…I don’t think I’d remember all this normally, but, like I said, he was a pain in the ass."
"A pain in the neck, if we’re lucky."
"What’s that?"
"Nothing, Chris. Thanks for your help."
CAT DID HOLD JAY to his promise to reformat her laptop. Doug barely found out about it in time.
He and Jay were IM’ing while Doug web crawled his way through Labor Day afternoon. He didn’t care for chatting or texting much, but he liked talking on the phone even less.Doug: Still there?Jay: sorry had to answer the phone.Doug: I think we should play this new MMORPG called Darkness. It’s about vampires.Jay: don’t u get enough of that irl?Doug: You chat like a 12-year-old girl.Jay: lol! irl = in real life
Doug responded that he knew what it meant, though he had in fact been searching for the abbreviation in an online glossary.Doug: Anyway, Darkness — you can play a vampire or a vampire hunter. Or a werewolf or demon or a lot of other things I don’t care about.Jay: i know, i’ve heard of it.Doug: But get this: one of the goals you can work toward as a vampire is hunting down the vampire that made you. If you kill it, you become a superpowered human.
Doug watched the minutes tick by on his computer. He might get distracted from time to time while Jay was waiting for a response, but Jay was usually pretty attentive. He killed time watching clips on YouTube, but nothing moved him. Where he’d once considered it his duty to tell people who posted stupid videos that their videos were stupid, it felt less important now in the grand scheme of things.Doug: Am I boring you?Jay: sorry, getting some stuff together. i gotta go soon.Doug: Where are you going?
Another long pause. Doug thought, screw this and flopped down on his bed with a comic book. The computer pinged.Jay: ok i might as well tell u i’m going 2 Cat’s 2 help her w/ her os. i wasn’t going 2 tell u cause remember when u said Adam’s nicer 2 us when no one’s around? sometimes u make fun of me more when there r people around. well not more i guess but it bugs me more. but i feel weird going over there alone so u can come if you want.
Doug felt a twist in his stomach then, a vinegary taste in his mouth. He couldn’t be the bad guy here. In a world of ass-holes, how could Jay think this of him?Doug: I don’t make fun of you. I just joke around. That’s what friends do. If it bothered you so much, you should have told me.Jay: my fault then.Doug: That’s not what I’m saying. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more careful. I’m sorry.Jay: it’s nothing. so ur coming?
A quick bike ride and poncho refolding later, and Doug was at Jay’s front door. He thought he’d better make it a front door sort of day. He rang the bell and listened as Chewbacca came barking, listened to his tiny terrier nails claw for traction on the hardwood floors, listened as he threw himself again and again against the inside of the door. Usually someone was right on his heels shouting, "Chewbacca! Shut up! Sit! Sit! Stay," and then the door would open. Chewbacca continued to bark and scratch at the door, but even his actions began to sound confused, a little lost, like a man in a bar fight who’s expected his friends to hold him back before he embarrassed himself.
Doug was considering ringing the bell again when the door opened to Pamela’s wary face.
"You can get your own drinks today," she said.
Chewbacca leaped toward Doug, licking and jumping and just hoping to catch a little bare flesh or get a good sniff of groin. After becoming a vampire Doug had braced himself for a lot of growling and biting from previously friendly pets, but if anything dogs seemed to find him mind-blowingly awesome now.
"Jesus," said Pam. Chewbacca had stopped leaping but was teetering like a trick dog on his hind legs, nose aquiver at Doug’s crotch. "You hiding a hot dog in there?"
"Wouldn’t you like to know."
"Probably one of those little cocktail wieners."
He wasn’t going to let her get to him today. Today he would stay cool, cool as a tall glass of lemonade.
"What are you wearing?" she asked him.
It was the same shirt he’d worn at that party in San Diego. Long sleeved, lots of tiny pockets. It was a little snug, but the salesgirl had said it was supposed to fit snug.
"Oh, and you’re qualified to give me fashion advice," he said, "because your swim team T-shirt is so incredibly awesome. Look! It has autographs all over it! Autographs of the other members of the swim team! Are you gonna let me in?"
Pamela took a languid half-step to the right. "Jay gave me three dollars to get the door for him. You two have a spat?"
"How much would he have had to pay you not to tell me he paid you?"
"I don’t know. Seven? But he probably didn’t think he had to. He’s so morally upright."
Doug followed her into the house, feeling carbonated and shivery. He would see Sejal soon. He and Jay would go to her house, Cat’s house, and they would sit and stay awhile. Gentlemen callers.
"Where do you think you’re going?" Pamela said suddenly. Doug had absentmindedly followed her all the way to the door of her bedroom.
"Uh, sorry. I just spaced out."
"Were you looking at my ass?"
"No," said Doug, who at the mere mention of the word "ass" had almost looked at her ass again. "I wouldn’t look at your ass if it had a Playboy stapled to it."
"Nice."
Doug spun around and walked, pink cheeked, back to Jay’s room.
"Okay," he said as he crossed the threshold. "I’m ready to go." Chewbacca stretched up Doug’s leg, paws on his knee.
Jay didn’t look up from his computer. "Cat’s bringing her laptop over here now. Cat and Sejal. She said something like, ‘No way with my mom on the rag’ and said she didn’t want anyone at her house."
Doug could tell he was trying to be standoffish, but Jay still couldn’t keep a straight face while saying "on the rag." "They’re coming here? Shouldn’t you clean up a little?"
Jay looked around his room, which was spotless as always.
"Clean up what?"
"I dunno. At least take down the Darth Maul poster, right?"
Jay shook his head. "You’re just like Adam."
"Okay," said Doug, "I’m sorry you’re upset. I thought, you know, we’ve been friends a long time, and friends kid each other. I didn’t know I’d been hurting your feelings."
It sounded reasonable to Doug as he said it, as if it could even be the truth. There was a flimsy nobility to it, like a paper crown. Just then the doorbell rang.
Doug nearly collided with Pamela in the hallway. Chewbacca rushed past to bark at the door.
"No!" Doug said. "This time we want to answer it."
Pamela held out her hand. "Three bucks," she said.
Doug stared at her, hard. "You will let me answer the door," he told her.
"Yeah. For three bucks. Stop looking at me like that."