"Then the supreme god turns over his karma cards. If he's got more good than bad karma, then whoever has the most good karma comes in second. But if the supreme god has more bad karma than good, then whoever has the most bad karma comes in second," said Douglas.
"So bad karma can be good?" asked Rainie.
"Never," said Tom. "What kind of person are you? No, if the supreme god turns out to have bad karma, it's a terrible disaster for the known universe. We all sing a very sad song and cry on the way home."
"The last time bad karma triumphed, Meryl Streep and Roseanne Barr released that movie She-Devil," said Douglas.
"So you see, the consequences can be dire," said Tom.
"She didn't even get to do an accent," said Cecil, his tone mournful and hushed.
"And ... and Ed Begley Junior had to play Roseanne Barr's husband," said Raymond.
"Only John Goodman is man enough to do that and live," said Cecil.
"So you see," said Tom, "our game isn't just a game. It has consequences in the real world."
Douglas continued with the rules. Every time you landed on a teardrop or a heart, you had a chance to pray to either the Baby of Sorrows or the Baby of Love, depending. In order to pray, you had to make an offering of as many beans as the number shown on the square. "So beans are like money," said Rainie.
"Ugly money," said Raymond.
"Nasty money," said Tom.
"Filthy lucre," said Grandpa.
"We hate beans," said Cecil. "Nobody wants beans. Only greedy, nasty, selfish people try to get a lot of beans."
"Of course, you have no chance of winning unless you have a lot of beans," said Douglas. "But if it ever looks like you are too interested in getting beans, then we hold a bean council and punish you."
"I never did like beans," said Rainie.
"Good thing," said Cecil. "But watch out, because Tom is a miserable bean thief and he'll steal your beans when you're not looking."
"If I actually cared for beans," said Tom, "I'd be an excellent bean thief."
"If your prayer is granted," Douglas said, going on with the rules, "then you get a power card. There are evil powers and good powers, depending on which baby you pray to. When you use an evil power you get a bad karma card, and when you use a good power you get a good karma card. Good power cards are always played on other people -- they never benefit the person who plays them. Evil power cards are always vicious and selfish and vindictive."
"That's not in the rules," said Cecil.
"But it's the truth," said Douglas. "Good people never use evil power cards."
"Dougie's just sore because of the time we ganged up on him and killed him every time he stuck his nose out of Hell," explained Tom.
"I tried to reason with them."
"He whined all night. It only goaded us to new depths of cruelty."
"They had no pity."
"We were nature red in tooth and claw," said Tom. "You were unfit to survive."
They went on with the rules but at the end Rainie could hardly remember half of them. "You just tell me what to do and I'll get the hang of it."
She started the game with five power cards. All of them were hand-written, the good powers in red ink, the evil powers in black. She had three evil cards and two good ones. One of the good ones said:
"BUTT-INSKI"
Allows you to
cause 2 other
players to swap
all power cards.
Two of the evil power cards said:
"UP THE PIGGAGE"
ADD 2 PIGS TO THE PEN.
and
"YOUR KARMA IS MY KARMA" allows you to swap karma cards with another player
The last two cards, one good, one evil, made Rainie laugh out loud. The evil one said:
RELEASE
THE
PIGS!!
The good one, on the other hand, said:
RELEASE
THE
PIGS!!
For the good of the
whole.
"What's funny?" asked Tom.