There seemed to be a continual procession of PAPA adherents coming to contribute to the communal pot and then return to partake. Nobody looked sick. Nobody looked particularly well fed either. They wore Indian costumes that might have once fit them, but the buckskin and beads now fit loosely, if at all.
Remo walked up to the pot and asked, "How can you tell if they're cooked if you're cooking them all together like that?"
A man looked up. "They cook fast. They're always good. That's why Gitchee Manitou created them."
Remo frowned. "I've heard of the shores of Gitchee Goomie. But who's Gitchee Manitou?"
"The Great Spirit who created the thunderbug and sowed them in the fields with their plump bodies that are good to eat and their tiny legs which cannot run fast so they don't get away. Look, see how they can't wait to be eaten."
Remo and Chiun looked. The lethargic thunderbugs, once they were held over the steaming pot, came to life. They leapt from the ladles and into the simmering water, where they immediately curled up in tiny chickpealike balls.
"I never heard of bugs committing mass suicide," said Remo.
"It is not suicide. They only want to share themselves with us. When it is our turn to die, we will go to a place where man is tiny and thunderbugs are great and we will return the favor by allowing them to consume our tasty flesh."
"Who fed you this bulldookie?" Remo said.
"Theodore Soars-With-Eagles."
"Where do we find him?"
"Sometimes he is in the wind and cannot be seen, only felt."
Remo reached down to find the man's neck. He squeezed. "Can the corn."
"We call it maize."
"I call it bullshit. Where is he now?"
"Sometimes he can be found napping in his tepee," the man said through teeth that seemed suddenly welded together.
"Point us."
The man had only a ladle to point with and he swept it back around, throwing hot broth and dead thunderbugs into the parched grass.
When Remo released him, he dived for the bugs and began popping them into his mouth.
"Welcome, brothers in nature," said Theodore Soars-With-Eagles when they pushed aside the flap of his tent. It was made of some slick material that Remo thought he recognized.
"Naugahyde?" he asked.
Theodore Soars-With-Eagles gathered his chinchilla cloak about his shoulders. "Gitchee Manitou invented what the white man came to call Naugahyde. In his great wisdom he has seen fit not to enforce the patent. It is called reciprocity."
"The tribal language around here is obviously bullshit," Remo growled. "You started this cult?"
"There is some disagreement over that. Some say Brother Karl Sagacious, may his noble Greek soul forever rest, founded PAPA. Some give me that honor. Some say we were brothers in creation before our unfortunate misunderstanding."
"Some say you had everything to gain from his death," said Remo.
"Such talk slanders the proud name of the People Against Protein Assassins. My ancestors refused to slaughter the proud beefalo for food. How could I harm my fellow man?"
"We just came from the Snappers," said Remo.
Theodore Soars-With-Eagles shook his feathered head sadly. Remo noticed that his bald spot was gone, and his hair moved a half second behind his headdress.
"Poor misguided ones. Gitchee Manitou weeps every time they bite off the head of one of his children."
"According to them, only your side is suffering from HELP."
"A lie. It is only them."
"When we got here, we saw you lead a funeral service."
"The committing of clay to clay. But when one of our number dies we put aside all disagreement and I preside over the ceremony of ashes."
"I didn't see any cremation going on," Remo said.
"We buried three Snappers today. They have been returned to the good earth, never to be seen again. They are ashes."
"They are on their way to your well," said Remo. "Look, we want some straight answers."
"It is only the white skins who speak with false tongues."
"That is a good start," said Chiun, nodding approvingly. "Speaking the obvious truth."
"Stay out of this, Little Father."
"When you are in my tepee," Theodore Soars-With-Eagles said indignantly, "you will treat my yellow brother as you would me."
"Listen, you-" Remo started to say.
Just then a girl in braided pigtails poked her head in and said, "Brother Theodore! Senator Clancy has come to Nirvana West!"
Brother Theodore Soars-With-Eagles came off his Navajo blanket, revealing a "Made in Japan" tag.
"Senator Clancy is here? I knew he would come. Whenever there is need, the great senator from Massachusetts arrives on the wings of the Thunderbird."
"I think he came in a limo," growled Remo.
"I must go to him. We will parley. There is much we have in common. We are both men of the people."
"Bring your own booze," said Remo, letting the man go.
They watched him lope off in his buckskin breeches.
"We are getting nowhere," Chiun said thinly.