He tried to shake it.
"Hey, pal. Wake up. You're on my time now."
The thing struggled into an upright position. Its featureless face swiveled in his direction. Even though there were no eyes, Randal Rumpp had the distinct feeling he was being stared at. It gave him the creeps. Worse than cost overruns.
Then, even though the thing had no discernible mouth, it spoke.
It said, "Ho ho ho."
"Hello. Do you speak English?"
"Da."
Too bad, Rumpp thought. Maybe I can communicate with it some other way.
"Me Rumpp," he said, pointing to his own chest. "Rumpp? Comprende?" He pointed to the thing's chest. "You name?"
To his surprise, the thing stabbed its own chest with its thumb and said in perfectly understandable English, "I am Grandfather Frost. Ho ho ho."
"You speak English?"
"Da. "
Scowling, Rumpp said, "Da isn't English. It's baby talk."
"Da mean 'yes.' You understand 'yes'?"
"Yeah. I've been hearing it all my life. Listen, where did you come from?"
"Telephone. "
"That so? How'd you get into the telephone in the first place?"
The creature struggled to its feet. It grabbed at its right shoulder, as if in pain. "It is long story," it said, moving about the room and examining the objects kept on display tables and open shelves. "I am thinking we do not have time for long story now."
"Yeah? Why not?"
"I must escape."
"What about the three billion we were talking about?"
"Take a check?"
"You have one on you?"
"Nyet. I mean, 'no.' "
Rumpp frowned. "Nyet. Where have I heard that word before?"
"I do not know, but I must be escaping now. Thank you for your time."
Randal Rumpp grabbed the thing's arm. Standing, the thing was shorter than he. And that was saying something, considering that its boot heels were as thick as a stack of waffles.
Randal Rumpp expected no fight. And he was right. The creature didn't struggle at all.
But Randal Rumpp was suddenly on his back, trying to get the air the floor had knocked out of his lungs back where it belonged.
"Ghosts," he gasped, "don't use judo."
Then the creature spoke another unfamiliar word. "Krahseevah, " it said. Its voice sounded very pleased.
Gasping, Rumpp got to his feet. The creature was examining a gold-filled Colibri cigarette lighter with the initials "RR" set in diamonds. Rumpp noticed it no longer shone. And its face, which was a bladder that kept expanding and contracting as if in rhythm with its measured breathing, crinkled audibly now.
Somehow, it was able to see through that featureless membrane.
While it was distracted, Rumpp leaped in front of the only exit.
"You go out over my dead body!" he warned.
"There is no need for dead bodies," said the faceless thing, retreating to the telephone receiver. He dialed directory assistance and asked, "Give me number of Soviet Embassy, please."
The operator's response came loudly enough for Randal Rumpp to hear it clearly.
"I'm sorry. There is no listing for a Soviet Embassy in this city."
"What! Then provide me number of Soviet Embassy in Washington."
"What do you want with the Soviet Embassy?" Rumpp asked suspiciously.
"I must give them present," the thing said flatly. "Grandfather Frost forgot them this year." "Christmas hasn't happened yet. In fact, it's only Halloween."
The thing started. "Excuse, please. What month this?"
"October."
"What year this?"
Before Randal Rumpp could answer the insane question, the operator was saying, "I'm sorry. There is no listing for a Soviet Embassy in Washington, D.C. Would you like me to try Washington state?"
"No Soviet Embassy? What happened to Soviet Union?"
"It dissolved," Randal Rumpp said flatly, just to see what response he'd get.
A dramatic one, as it turned out.
The blank-faced white creature dropped the telephone and began to moan.