I pushed back my chair and got up. Anticipating a scene, the other students turned to stare at me expectantly. Even Miss Castle looked up from the stack of papers she was marking.
“Don’t be angry with me, Beth,” said Jake, suddenly imploring. “Please, sit down.”
Reluctantly I took my seat again but only because I didn’t want to draw attention and add fuel to the Bryce Hamilton rumor mill.
“I don’t think I want to continue this assignment with you,” I said. “I’m sure Miss Castle will understand.”
“Don’t be like that. I’m sorry. Can we just forget I said anything?”
I huffed and folded my arms, but I was no match for the expression of innocence that had suddenly appeared on Jake’s face.
“I need you as a friend,” he said. “Give me one more chance?”
“Only if you promise never to say anything like that to me again.”
“Okay, okay.” Jake held up his hands in defeat. “I promise—not another word.”
When I saw Xavier after class, I didn’t mention the conversation with Jake. I suspected it would only make him angry and result in a confrontation. Besides, Xavier and I already had enough to think about without throwing Jake into the equation. Nevertheless, keeping things from him gave me an uneasy feeling. When I looked back on it later, I realized that was exactly what Jake Thorn had wanted.
“Can I talk to you about something?” I asked Xavier as we lay on the sand after school.
We had intended to go straight home and study for our upcoming third-quarter exams, but we’d been distracted by the prospect of ice cream. We’d bought cones and taken the long route home via the beach, walking hand in hand. Inevitably I’d wanted to dip my feet in the water.
Then we’d ended up chasing each other, until Xavier caught me and we’d both sprawled on the sand.
Xavier rolled around to face me, dusting the grains of sand from my nose. “You can talk to me about anything.”
“Well,” I began awkwardly, “I don’t know how to say this . . . and I don’t want it to come out sounding wrong. . . .”
Xavier sat up and pushed the hair out of his eyes, his face serious. “Are you breaking up with me?” he asked.
“What!” I cried. “No, of course not—just the opposite.”
“Oh.” He slid back down and smiled lazily. “Then you must be about to propose. You know, it’s not a leap year. . . .”
“You’re not making this any easier,” I complained.
“Sorry.” He looked at me earnestly. “What did you want to talk about?”
“I want to know what you think . . . how you feel about . . .” I paused and lowered my voice, “the S word.”
Xavier rested his chin on his hand.
“I’m not good at riddles. You’re going to have to be a bit more specific,” he said.
I squirmed uncomfortably, not wanting to say it out loud.
“What’s the second letter?” Xavier laughed, trying to help me along.
“E,” I said. “Followed by X.”
“You want to talk about sex?”
“Not talk about it,” I said. “I’m just asking if . . . well, if you ever think about it?”
“Where is this coming from?” Xavier asked gently. “This doesn’t sound like you at all.”
“Well, I was talking to Molly,” I said. “And she thought it was weird that we hadn’t . . . you know, done anything.”
Xavier scowled. “Is it really necessary for Molly to know every detail of our relationship?”
“Don’t you think about me in that way?” I asked, feeling a sudden tension in my chest.
That was a possibility I hadn’t considered. “Is there something wrong with me?”
“Hey, hey, of course not.” Xavier reached over and took my hand. “Beth . . . for so many guys sex is the only thing that keeps their relationships from falling apart, but we’re not like that. We have so much more. I’ve never discussed it with you because I’ve never felt that we needed to.” He gazed at me. “I’m sure it would be amazing, but I love you for you, not for what you can offer me.”
“Did you and Emily have a physical relationship?” I was hardly listening to him.
“Oh God.” Xavier flopped back onto the sand. “Not this again.”
“Well, did you?”
“How is that important?”
“Just answer the question!”
“Yes—we did. Happy now?”
“There you go! That’s another thing she could give you that I can’t.”
“Beth, a relationship isn’t only based on the physical,” he said calmly.
“But it’s part of it,” I protested.
“Sure—but it doesn’t make or break it.”
“But you’re a boy, don’t you have . . . urges?” I said in a lowered voice.
Xavier laughed. “When you meet a family of celestial messengers, you tend to forget about your urges and focus on the bigger picture.”
“What if I told you I wanted to?” I said suddenly, surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth. What was I thinking? Did I have any idea what I was committing to? All I knew was that I loved Xavier more than anything in the world and that being separated from him caused me physical pain. I hated the idea that there was some part of him I hadn’t discovered, a part of him that might be closed off to me. I wanted to know him inside and out, to memorize his body and burn it into my memory. I wanted to get as close to him as was physically possible, melded in body and soul.
“Well?” I asked him softly. “Would you say yes?”
“Definitely not.”