“What’s up, Beth?” There was a familiar crease between his eyebrows, which always appeared when he was concerned.
“I guess yesterday’s accident just drained me,” I said. “But I’m better now.”
“That’s good. But something tells me there’s more.”
Even in the short time I’d known him, Xavier was always able to read my moods, yet his own eyes betrayed nothing of what he might be feeling. He didn’t look away; his turquoise gaze was like a laser boring into me.
“My life is pretty complicated,” I began tentatively.
“Why don’t you try explaining it? I might surprise you.”
“This situation,” I said, “you and I spending time together, it’s turning out to be harder than I thought. . . .” I paused. “It’s better than I ever imagined, but I have other responsibilities, other duties that I can’t ignore.”
My voice rose in volume and pitch as I felt a wave of emotion explode in my chest. I stopped and took a deep breath.
“It’s okay, Beth,” Xavier said. “I know you have a secret.”
I felt a sudden icy fear take hold of me, but at the same time a flooding relief. If Xavier already knew I was a fraud and a liar, it meant I’d failed completely in all aspects of our mission. Rule number one for all Agents of Light was to keep our identity a secret as we worked to piece the world back together—exposure could result in all kinds of chaos. But then again, it could also mean that Xavier had chosen to accept me anyway and the truth might not drive him away.
“You do?” I whispered.
He shrugged. “It’s obvious you’re hiding something. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s upsetting you.”
I didn’t answer immediately. More than anything I wanted to tell him everything, to let all my secrets and fears pour out like wine from a spilled bottle, staining everything in their path.
“I understand that for one reason or another you can’t or won’t talk about it,” Xavier said.
“But you don’t have to. I can respect your privacy.”
“That’s not fair to you,” I said, feeling more torn than ever. The idea of walking away from him left a physical pain in my chest, like my heart was slowly breaking in two.
“Isn’t that for me to decide?”
“Don’t make this harder. I’m trying to protect you!”
“Protect me?” Xavier laughed. “From what?”
“From me,” I said quietly, realizing how ridiculous that must sound.
“You don’t look very dangerous to me. Unless you turn into a werewolf at night. . . .”
“I’m just not what I seem.” I shrank away from him, as if trying to hide myself from the truth. My whole body felt weak and drained of energy. I sagged against a wall, unable to meet his gaze.
“No one is. Look, you think I haven’t figured out there’s something different about you?
All I have to do is look at you.”
“What is it?” I asked curiously.
“I’m not sure,” he said. “But I know it’s what I like about you.”
“What I’m trying to tell you is that just because you like me doesn’t make me what you want or need.”
“What do you think I need?”
“Someone you can have an honest relationship with. What’s the point otherwise?”
“Are you trying to tell me that person can’t be you?” Xavier’s expression was unreadable.
His face appeared completely impassive—wiped of all emotion. I supposed that after everything he’d been through, he wasn’t the type to wear his heart on his sleeve.
I knew he was trying to make it easier for me, but the bluntness of his question had the opposite effect. Now that the idea was out in the open, it sounded far too final. I was still struggling to find the right words, and I worried that my silence might come across as indifference.
“It’s okay,” Xavier continued. “I know it can’t be easy for you, and I don’t want to make things harder. Would it be helpful if I kept my distance for a while?”
How fickle and contradictory were human emotions! I’d spent the last few minutes trying to suggest this very idea but now found myself devastated by his readiness to walk away, even if his motivation was my well-being. I wasn’t sure what reaction I’d expected, but this wasn’t it.
Did I want to see him drop to his knees and declare his undying love? Of course he wasn’t going to do that, but I couldn’t let him walk away. I didn’t think I’d be able to stand it.
“So that’s it then?” I choked out. “I won’t see you anymore?”
Xavier looked confused. “Hang on—isn’t that what you want?”
“Is that all you’re going to say?” I demanded. “You’re not even going to try and change my mind?”
“Do you want me to try and change your mind?” His quizzical, affectionate smile was back.
I paused to think. I knew what I should say. A simple no would end it all and return things to how they’d been before the moment we met in the corridor outside the chemistry lab, when
I’d been trying to avoid glowing in the dark. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It would be a lie.
“Maybe that’s exactly what I want you to do,” I said slowly.
“Beth, it sounds to me like you don’t know what you want,” Xavier said softly. He reached up and used his thumb to wipe away a tear that was snaking its way down my cheek.
“I don’t want to complicate your life,” I sniffed, realizing how irrational I must be sounding. “You’re the one who said you preferred things to be clear-cut.”
“I was talking about subjects, not people. Maybe I wouldn’t mind a bit of complication,” he said. “Straightforward relationships are overrated.”
I groaned in frustration. “You really do have an answer for everything.”
“What can I say? It’s a gift.” He took my hand between both of his. “I have an idea. How about I give you something to help make the decision easier?”
“Okay,” I agreed. “If you think it’ll help.”
Before I knew what was happening, Xavier had brought his hands up to my face and was tilting my chin toward him. His lips brushed over mine with a feather touch, but it was enough to make me shiver. I liked the way he held me; as if I were fragile and likely to break if he held too tight. He rested his forehead against mine as though we had all the time in the world. A delicious heat started to spread through my body, and I strained toward him, reaching for his lips again. I returned his kiss with passionate urgency and clung to him. I allowed myself to melt into his embrace and pressed our bodies together. His warmth was seeping through my flimsy shirt, and I could feel his heart beating fast.