“How can you say that when you don’t know what I’m about to tell you?” I muttered.
Xavier opened his arms wide, as though inviting me to hit him with the truth.
“Let me prove it to you.”
“I can’t,” I said, my voice catching. “I’m scared. What if you never want to see me again?”
“That isn’t going to happen, Beth,” he said more forcefully. He lowered his voice and spoke seriously. “I know this is hard for you, but you’re going to have to trust me.”
I looked into his eyes, like two blue pools, and knew that he was right. And I did trust him.
“First tell me something,” I said. “What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?”
Xavier thought for a moment.
“Well, being at the top of a hundred-foot rappel drop was pretty scary, and once when I was traveling with the under-fourteen state water-polo team, I broke one of the rules and Coach
Benson took me outside. He’s a pretty scary guy when he wants to be and ripped me to shreds.
He banned me from the game against Creswell the next day.”
For the first time I was struck by Xavier’s human innocence; if this was his definition of a frightening experience, what chance was there of him surviving the bombshell I was about to drop?
“Is that it?” I asked. The words came out sounding harsher than I intended. “That’s your scariest moment?”
He looked me in the eye. “Well, I guess you could count the night I got a phone call telling me my girlfriend had died in a fire. But I don’t really want to go there. . . .”
“I’m sorry.” I looked at the ground. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid as to forget about
Emily. Xavier knew about loss and grief and pain that I’d never experienced.
“Don’t be.” He took my hand. “Just listen to me; I saw the family after it happened. They were all standing on the road, and I thought for a moment that everything was okay. I expected to see her with them. I was ready to comfort her. But then I saw her mom’s face—like she didn’t have a reason for living anymore—and I knew. It wasn’t just their house that was gone, Em was gone too.”
“That’s awful,” I whispered, feeling my eyes brim with tears. Xavier wiped them away with his thumb.
“I’m not telling you to upset you,” he said. “I’m telling you because I want you to know that you can’t scare me. You can tell me anything. I won’t run away.”
So I took a deep breath and began the speech that would change both our lives forever.
“I want you to know that if you still want me after tonight, then there’s nothing that would make me happier.” Xavier smiled and started to reach for me but I stopped him. “Let me get this over with first. I’m going to try and explain in the best way I can.”
He nodded, crossed his arms, and gave me his undivided attention. For a split second I saw him as a schoolboy at the front of the class, eager to please and awaiting the teacher’s instructions.
“I know this might sound crazy,” I said, “but I want you to watch me walk.”
I saw a flicker of confusion cross his face, but he didn’t question me.
“Okay.”
“But don’t look at me, look at the sand.”
Without taking my eyes from his face, I moved in a slow, deliberate circle around him.
“What did you notice?” I asked.
“You don’t leave footprints,” Xavier replied, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Cool party trick, but you probably need to eat more.”
So far so good—he wasn’t easily fazed. I smiled grimly and sat down beside him, turning my foot around so he could see the sole. The soft, peach-colored skin was unbroken.
“I cut my foot before. . . .”
“But there’s no cut,” Xavier said, his forehead creasing into a frown. “How did that . . .”
Before he could finish I took his hand and placed it on my stomach.
“Notice the difference?” I said with a hint of bluntness in my voice.
His fingers gently traced their way across my abdomen. His hand stopped when he reached dead center, and he pressed down lightly, his thumb searching for the indentation of my navel.
“You won’t find it,” I said before he could speak. “It’s not there.”
“What happened to you?” Xavier asked. He must have imagined that I’d been in some kind of accident from which I’d never fully recovered.
“Nothing happened to me, this is who I am.”
I could almost see him trying to put the pieces together in his mind.
“Who are you?” It was barely a whisper.
“I’m about to show you. Would you mind closing your eyes? And don’t open them till I tell you.”
When I was sure his eyes were shut tight, I sprinted, three at a time, up the steep steps in the cliff face. I tiptoed my way along until I stood precariously close to the edge, with Xavier directly below me. The ground was lumpy and uneven but I kept my balance. It was roughly about a thirty-foot drop, but the height didn’t deter me. I just hoped I would be able to go through with my plan. I could feel my heart thumping, almost turning somersaults in my chest. I could hear two voices shouting over each other in my head. What are you doing? one cried.
Have you lost your mind? Get down, go home! It’s not too late to do the right thing! The other voice had different ideas. You’ve gone this far, it said. You can’t back out now. You know how much you want him—you’ll never be with him if you don’t do this. Fine, be a coward and walk away, let him move on and forget all about you. I hope you enjoy eternal solitude.
I clapped a hand over my mouth to stop myself from crying out in frustration. There was no point dwelling on it any longer. I had made my decision.
“You can open your eyes,” I called down to Xavier.
When he did, he looked around in surprise to find me gone before turning his gaze upward. I waved when he spotted me.
“What are you doing up there?” I heard a splinter of panic in his voice. “Beth, that’s not funny. Come down right now before you hurt yourself.”
“Don’t worry, I’m coming down,” I said. “My way.”
I took a step forward so that I was teetering on the cliff’s edge and shifted my weight to balance on the balls of my feet. The uneven rock scraped my skin but I hardly noticed. I felt like