Excelsior takes the stand with surprising dignity for a man wearing a cape and tights.
“Hold up your right hand and solemnly swear, I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”
Excelsior says nothing. The Bailiff starts to repeat the oath. Excelsior says, “This is bullshit.”
Judge Perkins is so startled that he says, “excuse me?”
“I said it’s bullshit. That’s the truth. That’s what you wanted, right?”
“Son, I’ve never charged a man in tights with contempt before. But don’t think that means I won’t.”
Excelsior holds up a small black box. “You know what this is? Of course you don’t. This is a pager. A very special kind of pager. And when it goes off, it means that something bad is happening somewhere in the world. Very bad. The kind of bad only I can handle.”
Judge Perkins pounds his gavel. “Mr. Excelsior, you will sit down! Or you WILL be held in contempt!” Excelsior reaches over and takes the gavel out of the judge’s hand.
“I have a headACHE,” Excelsior says as he crushes the gavel into dust. He turns back to the courtroom, “This pager has gone off three times since this bullshit trial started. I have never had to put up with this kind of nonsense before. He’s a bad man. A very, very bad man,” he says, pointing directly at Edwin Windsor.
“Objection!” Topper says. “The only bad man here is you. We have evidence, sworn affidavits!” Topper waves a pile of papers in the air. Excelsior squints and the papers are on fire. Topper drops the documents and stomps them out.
Edwin watches all of this as if it is happening on a television screen.
Excelsior continues, “Because I’m here at this farce of a trial, people are dying.” He reads from the pager. “A bridge collapsed in Oregon. There’s been a cave-in in Pennsylvania. And 134 brave souls are trapped on an experimental submarine at the bottom of the North Sea. These are all people I could be helping. But am I?
“No, I’m sitting here listening to this criminal. And just because he hasn’t been convicted doesn’t mean he hasn’t committed crimes.”
“I have committed no crimes,” says Edwin.
“He’s an accessory to every major villain I’ve faced in the last five years. This man is the brains behind the bad guys. The guy, behind the guy, behind the guy. Now I have to listen to him insult me? Bullshit. This costing people’s lives. I am out of here.”
Topper shrieks, “As you can see, he’s dangerous and unbalanced. Prone to fits of rage. He has an irrational hatred of my client. This man recognizes no law but his own.” Excelsior’s eyes flash again. Now the back of Topper’s suit is on fire. He runs around in a circle trying to put it out.
Excelsior steps from the witness stand and walks to Edwin. “And you. If you’ve got a problem with me. Be a man. Don’t try and let the courts do your work. You want a piece of me? You chickenshit suit. You can have a piece of me. Any time. Any place. Anyway you want to go. We’ll do it.”
Edwin looks at him with infinite calm. Excelsior turns on his heel and walks towards the door. He thinks that the matter is concluded. But the sound of a chair scraping against the hardwood floor tells him he is mistaken. When he turns around, Edwin stands in the middle of the courtroom.
“Fine,” says Edwin.
“Fine?” asks Excelsior. Unable to believe what he is hearing.
“Your terms are acceptable.”
“Oh you don’t know when to quit.”
“If the time for quitting presents itself,” says Edwin, “I will quit promptly and well. Let’s settle this.”
“So what’s it going to be Windsor?”
Topper looks at Edwin. The judge comes out from behind his bench. The reporters lean in. The sketch artist scribbles furiously, attempting to complete a drawing of Topper chasing his own flaming ass.
“Clubs,” says Edwin.
“Clubs? You got to be kidding, you want to fight me with a club? You’ll get killed. Besides, it’s not your style.”
“Golf Clubs. Tomorrow, 8:15, Belvedere Country Club. If you win, the case is dropped and I no longer advise villains. If I win, you leave me, and my clients, in peace.”
“Fine, I’ll be there,” says Excelsior.