"Drugs are my life," Hassam squeaked. "Please do not poke your finger into my brain."
"Keep talking. What about Arcadi?"
"He is a bum," Hassam said off-handedly. "An unscrupulous money grubber. A thousand pardons for the rudeness. An odious criminal, excuse me."
"He buys heroin from you?"
"That is past. There is nothing between us."
"Because Arcadi couldn't sell the goods."
"That is what he says," Hassam said hotly. "For eight years he sells everything and makes a huge profit, leaving only a pittance for myself. Now suddenly he claims there are no buyers. Am I to believe such a story?" He paced agitatedly around the room, talking in a torrent. "He has found another supplier, I am not an idiot. I can see. There is more heroin now than ever. All the accidents everywhere." He picked up a newspaper and rattled it savagely. "Three thousand deaths today alone. And almost all of them attributable to drug overdoses."
"But Arcadi wasn't making any money," Remo said. "He thought you were behind some plot to ease him out as middleman."
Hassam stared at him. "You mean Johnny Arcadi is broke, too?"
"Too? You—"
Hassam let out a low moan. "Why do you think I wish for you to steal my wife's jewels? At least the insurance would bring us enough to eat. I am a pauper." He chewed his fingernails. "I sold all my stock in ITT this morning. My treasury notes and money market investments are already gone. The house is for sale. Yesterday I had to pawn my wife's pearls and replace them with paste beads. I have nothing."
"If you're telling the truth, then where's all the heroin coming from?" Remo asked.
"Where? If I knew where, would I be standing here begging you to rob me? Please. At least the paste pearls. My wife is bound to find out I replaced them unless they are stolen first."
"I'm sure she'll understand," Remo said sardonically. "Things could be worse."
A scattering of fingernail slivers shot from Hassam's mouth. "I take it you have not met my wife."
"Haven't had the pleasure," Remo said.
"You are a lucky man. And if Yasmine discovers that I have sold her pearls, my bodyguards who are dead will also be lucky men compared with me."
The butler entered and announced that the dancers were ready. He placed a record on the stereo. Weird twangy music filled the room. The heavy curtains covering the doorway parted, and all the girls from the pool filed in, dressed in spangled brassieres and gossamer houri pants, undulating gracefully to the music. The girl Remo had met in the bushes winked at him.
"That is Sandy," Hassam said longingly. "She likes you, I think."
"Um," Remo said noncommittally. "Actually, I came to talk about—"
"It is for the last time, this dance," Hassam said, blinking hard. "I will not be able to pay the girls after today. Tomorrow they will all be gone, like a beautiful dream. All that will remain will be Yasmine."
"Your wife?"
A slow tear rolled down the furrows of Hassam's cheeks. "Yes. There will always be Yasmine."
A thundering noise reverberated through the house, accompanied by a wail that sounded like the cry of a wounded buffalo. The phonograph needle scraped painfully across the record, and the music stopped. Then a 300-pound Arab woman covered with black veils elbowed her way into the room. Waving a strand of pearls, she flattened the dancing girls against the walls as she cut a ferocious path to Hassam.
"Fake!" she shrilled. The butler clapped and the dancing girls scurried away. "The pearls are paste!" To illustrate, she chomped down on a few inches of the strand and spat the fragments into Hassam's eye.
"May I introduce my wife, Yasmine," Hassam said, squinting.
"Pleased..." Remo began.
"You think to hide from me in this room!" she shrieked. "But there is no place for you to run now, vile cur of a deceiver. There is no comfort for thieves."
"... To meet you," Remo finished lamely. Mrs. Hassam looked coldly at him. "And who is this skinny person in a T-shirt, a bum?" She flicked a pudgy wrist in Remo's direction. "Another of your worthless friends, no doubt, come to ogle the bags of bones you call a harem. Maybe you sold my beautiful pearls to him, eh?" A chunky hand loaded with gaudy rings lashed out and wound itself expertly around Hassam's nose. It gave a mighty tug.
"Well," Hassam said heartily, extricating himself from her grip with a broad, frozen smile. "Shall we have a drink?" He glanced at Remo. "Oh. Only coffee, of course." He motioned desperately to the butler.
"Hey, listen, Hassam," Remo said sympathetically. "It's okay with me if you want a dr—"
"He does not want a drink!" Mrs. Hassam bellowed. She flipped her husband onto the sofa. "You'd better come up with some new pearls, you sodden drunkard of a no-good husband, or you'll have my brother's saber down your throat."
"Yes, my lily," Hassam said.
"Bigger pearls than the others. And longer. And another ring. My thumb is nearly bare."
Hassam nodded numbly.
"Coffee, sir," the butler said. Hassam poured himself a cup and help it shakily to his lips, trying valiantly to restore his composure.
"Delicious," he said, smiling fixedly. "As we were saying, Mr...."
"Call me Remo," Remo said, trying to drown out Mrs. Hassam's tirade behind them.
"Don't you ignore me, you weaselly runt," she roared. "Where are the airline tickets for my mother and her servants to visit me for the winter? I know you never liked my mother."
"Are you sure you won't join me for a cup, Remo?" Hassam offered. "It is quite good, really." He smacked his lips languidly. "Exceptionally good."
"Hassam!" his wife hissed, poking the little man hard in the ribs. His lips followed the coffee cup around as it bounced, licking up any stray drops.
"I might as well tell you that I've fired the upstairs maid," Mrs. Hassam went on. "I've seen the way that strumpet looks at you. Do you think I am blind and deaf?"
"I wish I were," Hassam said mournfully, draining his cup.
"What are you mumbling? I heard you. Don't think you can get away with your nonsense forever, Amfat Hassam. My brothers will know how to handle you."
But Hassam was too absorbed in the coffeepot to answer. He opened the lid, sniffed deeply, smiled, and began to pour himself another cup. Then, watching the slow stream of liquid, he dispensed with the cup and held the spout directly to his lips, greedily gulping down the contents of the pot.
"Excuse me," Hassam said with a belch. "Extraordinary. Most excellent coffee."
"It must have been," Remo mused. Hassam clapped. Within a few moments another pot appeared.
"Are you listening to me?" Mrs. Hassam screamed.
Hassam picked his nose in reply.