Payne wasted some time just staring at the neatly lined-up stacks of yellow pads and boxes of pens and orderly rows of things the purposes of which she could only guess at. When she finally gave up and stepped out, her healer was still in the doorway to the office, still staring at her. His eyes were black with emotion, his lips thin. . and for some reason, his expression made her realize how fully clothed he was.
How fully clothed he had always been whenever he had lain with her.
He hadn’t let her touch him, had he.
«You agree with my brother,» she said darkly. «Do you not.»
It was not a question. And she was not surprised when he nodded. «This isn’t a long-term thing,» he said with horrible gentleness. «Not for you.»
«So that is why I have not had the pleasure of your sex.»
His brows flared briefly, as if her candor discomforted him. «Payne. . this can’t work between us.»
«Says who. It is our choice whom we—»
«I’ve got a life to go back to.»
As her breath grew tight, she thought. . how incredibly arrogant of her. It had never occurred to her that he had somewhere else to go. Then again, just as her brother had pointed out, how much did she know of him?
«I’ve got family,» he continued. «A job. A horse I have to go see.»
Payne walked over to him, approaching him with her head high. «Why do you assume it is an either/or? And before you try, do not waste words telling me you do not want me. I know it is true — your scent does not lie.»
He cleared his throat. «Sex isn’t everything, Payne. And when it comes to you and me, even that’s just about getting you to where you are now.»
At that, another chill ran through her, sure as if there were a draft in the room. But then she shook her head. «You wanted me, healer. When you came back here and saw me in that bed — your scent was nothing about the condition I was in, and you are a coward if you pretend otherwise. Hide if you will, healer—»
«My name is Manny,» he snapped. «Manuel Manello. I was brought here to help you — and in case you haven’t noticed, you’re on your feet. So I have. Right now? I’m just waiting until you people rip into my brain again and leave me strapped to separate night from day and dreams from reality. This is your world, not mine, and there is only either/or.»
Their eyes locked together, and in that moment, if the facility had been on fire, she would not have been able to look away. . and neither, she realized, would he.
«If it could work,» she said roughly, «if you were allowed to come and go as you pleased, would you stay with me.»
«Payne—»
«My question is clear. Answer it. Now.» As his brows rose, she could not tell whether he was excited or repulsed by her brashness, and she did not care in that moment. «The truth is what it is, spoken or not. So we might as well have it all out.»
He slowly shook his head. «Your brother doesn’t think—»
«Fuck my brother,» she countered. «Tell me what you think.»
In the strained silence that followed, she realized what she had just said, and wanted to curse anew. Dropping her head, she stared at the floor, not in meekness, but out of frustration. Females of worth did not use words like that, and they did not pressure people for a tea towel, much less something like this.
Indeed, a proper female would stand by as the eldest male of her family handled the big decisions in her life, shaping the course of everything from where she lived to unto whom she was betrothed.
Outbursts. Sex. Swearing. Any more of this and she was going to make Vishous’s wishes come true, because her healer — Manuel, that was — would find her so unattractive he would beg to be taken away from her with no memories of their time together.
Would she never fit the Layla standard of feminine perfection?
Rubbing her temples, she muttered, «You are both right — just for the wrong reasons. You and I could never last, because I am not a good match for any male.»
«What?»
Tired of everything. . of him and her brother, of herself, of females and males in general. . she waved him off and turned away. «You say this is my world? You have that so very wrong. I do not belong here any more than you do.»
«What the hell are you talking about?»
Verily, he might as well get the true picture of things on his way out. What the hell.
She stared over her shoulder. «I am the daughter of a god, Manuel. A deity. That glow you call forth from me? It is her very essence as an entity. That is what she is. As for my father? He was nothing but a sadistic bastard who imparted unto me the urge to kill — that was his ‘gift.’ And do you want to know what I did with it? Do you?» She was aware that her voice was rising but was singularly disinclined to quiet herself. «I killed him, Manuel. And for that crime against mine bloodline, for that offense against the standards of behavior for females, I was imprisoned and held for centuries. So you are too right. Go — and do it now. It is for the best. But do not think that I fit in here any better than you do.»
With another curse, she pushed past him and strode out into the corridor, figuring Manuel would find himself freed very shortly—
«It was your brother. Wasn’t it.»
The calm, low words echoed down the barren hallway, stopping not just her feet, but her heart.
«I saw the condition he’s in,» Manuel said in a deep voice. «Any chance your father did that to the guy?»
Payne slowly turned back around. Standing in the middle of the corridor, her healer was showing neither shock nor horror, just an intelligence she was coming to expect from him.
«Why would you think that,» she said in a dead tone.
«When I operated on him, I saw the scars, and it’s pretty clear someone tried to castrate him. Extrapolating? From my limited interaction with him, I’d say he’s way too touchy and aggressive for anyone to get the better of him. So it was either a gang of people or somebody who got him when he was really, profoundly vulnerable. I’m thinking the latter is more likely because. . well, let’s just say I’d be surprised if abusive parents didn’t happen for your kind, too.»
Payne swallowed hard, and it was a long, long while before she could find her voice. «Our father. . had him held down. A blacksmith was ordered to tattoo him. . and then get a pair of pliers.»
Manuel squeezed his eyes shut briefly. «I’m sorry. I’m really. . damned sorry.»
«Our father was chosen as a sire for his aggression and ruthlessness, and my brother was given over to him when he was very young — whereas I stayed up at the Sanctuary with our mahmen. With naught to pass my time, I watched what transpired down here on Earth in the seeing bowls and. . over the course of years in the war camp, my brother was abused. I brought this to my mother time and time again, but she insisted upon adhering to the deal she had made with the Bloodletter.» She curled her hands into tight fists. «That male, that forsaken, sadistic male. . he was not capable of siring sons, but she guaranteed him one so he would agree to mate with her. Three years after we were born, she relinquished Vishous unto our father’s cruelty whilst she did her best to force me into a mold I would ne’er fit into. And then that last episode where Vishous was. .» Tears speared into her eyes. «No more — not any longer could I do nothing. I came down here and. . and I hunted the Bloodletter down. I held him to the ground whilst I burned him into ash. And I do not regret it.»
«Who put you in jail?»
«My mother. But the imprisonment was only partially because he was dead. Sometimes I believe it was more her colossal disappointment in me.» She wiped her face quickly and rubbed the wetness away. «But enough of this. Enough of. . all of it. Go now. . I shall speak to the king and send you off. Good-bye, Manuel.»
Rather than waiting for him to respond, she headed off once more—
«Yes, I want you.»
Payne stopped, and then looked over her shoulder again. After a moment, she said, «You are a fine healer and you have done your job, as you so aptly pointed out. We have no further cause to speak.»
When she resumed walking, his footsteps approached fast and he caught her, wheeling her around. «If I didn’t keep my pants on, I couldn’t have kept myself out of you.»
«Really.»
«Give me your hand.»