"It looks like one of those things fighter pilots have in the cockpit for long missions when they can't urinate. What do they call them, Chiun?"
"You are asking me?" Chiun asked distantly. He was looking at the ES Quantum closely. "Can it see us?"
"Yes, that square port contains a full battery of sensors."
"Ah," said Chiun, nodding.
"A relief tube!" Remo shouted triumphantly. "This thing is a relief tube. Are you having some kind of medical problem, Smitty?"
"No. Of course not. It's just that I'm trying to cut down on my time away from the terminal."
"But the bathroom is right here. How long can it take you to take a piss?"
"Remo! Watch your language. She's not used to rude talk."
"There's that 'she' again," Remo said.
"If this is a female computer," Chiun asked, "what does a male computer look like?"
"Why don't you address your question to me, Master of Sinanju?"
Chiun took an involuntary step backward. "You know me, machine?"
"Yes, you are Chiun, reigning Master of Sinanju. And the Occidental man is Remo Williams, your pupil, who is next in line to succeed you. You are CURE's enforcement operatives, sanctioned to eliminate enemies of America and of world order, using extreme prejudice if necessary."
"Do you hear that, Remo?" Chiun demanded.
"Yeah, that thing knows all about us."
"No," said Chiun. "It called me prejudiced. I am not sure I like that, coming from an inferior form of life. A female inferior, at that. Emperor," Chiun said, turning to Smith, "this machine has forbidden knowledge of your operation. Shall I kill it?"
"No, no," Smith said hastily. "The ES Quantum is now part of the organization. Everything we know, she knows."
"What's this?" Remo asked, picking up a wrapped package on Smith's desk.
"Oh, I forgot. It's for you and Chiun."
Remo's face broke into a wide grin. "Gee, Smitty. This is the first time you've given us Christmas presents. Now I understand why you've got the computer all tricked up like that."
Remo quickly unwrapped the package. Chiun glided to his side, tugging on Remo's forearms. "Let me see. Oh, let me see."
"In a minute, Chiun. I'm working on it."
"There's one for each of you," Smith said.
Under the plain wrapping, Remo found a plain box with a lid. He opened the box. When he saw the contents, his face fell.
"Is this supposed to be a joke?" Remo asked.
"What? What?" Chiun demanded. Remo handed him an object. It was made of clear plastic and it rattled.
"Oooooh," Chiun said. "How pretty. What is it?"
"It's one of those silly candy dispensers," Remo said hollowly. "You flip the lid and the little sugar pellets spill out. They're big with the six-year-old set."
"How generous of you, Emperor," Chiun said, bowing.
"Are you crazy, Chiun? What good are these to us? If we tried to eat this stuff, the sugar and preservatives would disrupt our nervous systems. Probably kill us."
"Definitely kill you," Smith said.
Remo and Chiun looked at him stonily.
"They only appear to be candy dispensers. That is a disguise."
"What, then?" Remo wanted to know. His face smoldered. As a former orphan, Christmas remained a sore point with him.
"They are advanced communications devices. All I need do is press a button on my system like so . . ." Smith hit a key.
Instantly the devices in Remo's and Chiun's hands emitted a musical beeping.
"How nice," Chiun cooed. "Music boxes."
"It's a freaking beeper," Remo said.
"I do not care about the name," Chiun said, putting the device to one ear. "Listen to its song. It reminds me of Korean wedding music."
"Exactly," said Remo, tossing his beeper onto the desk.
"Be careful with that. It cost a small fortune."
"A regular beeper would have been enough, Smitty. There was no need to rig it up as a candy dispenser."
"This is no ordinary beeper. It functions off the communications satellite network. You can use it to call me wherever you are. See?" Smith pressed the top and the bottom popped open, revealing a speaker and a button. "You press the button and I'll hear you. Let it go and you can hear my response. The beeping is the signal for you to contact me. A constant beep, like this"-Smith hit another key-"means to return to Folcroft immediately."
"It is not a music box?" Chiun asked. His pleased expression fled.
"It also sends out a continuous signal so that I can track your positions no matter where in the world you are. From now on we'll be in constant communication. Think of it, Remo. No more phone calls. No more codes to remember."
"But a candy dispenser?"
"And in a situation where you are caught and in danger of betraying the organization, you simply break off the top and swallow one of the candy pellets."
"Oh, don't tell me-" Remo began.
"Poison. Instantly fatal. But I assure you there will be no pain. The pellets are made of the same compound in the poison pill I have carried on my person since CURE began."