"that a holy man would come from the Heavens to save us in our last hours, if all the dances of Locar were completed. He would defeat the Fist of Malann and bring us life."
"How?"
"As with Braxa, and as the example in the Temple."
"Example?"
"You read us his words, as great as Locar's. You read to us how there is 'nothing new under the sun.' And you mocked his words as you read them—showing us a new thing.
"There has never been a flower on Mars," she said, "but we will learn to grow them.
"You are the Sacred Scoffer," she finished. "He-WhoMust-Mock-in-theTemple—
you go shod on holy ground."
"But you voted 'no,' " I said.
"I voted not to carry out our original plan, and to let Braxa's child live instead."
"Oh." The cigarette fell from my fingers. How close it had been! How little I had known!
"And Braxa?"
"She was chosen half a Process ago to do the dances—to wait for you."
"But she said that Ontro would stop me."
M'Cwyie stood there for a long time.
"She had never believed the prophecy herself. Things are not well with her now.
She ran away, fearing it was true. When you completed it and we voted, she knew."
"Then she does not love me? Never did?"
"I am sorry, Gallinger. It was the one part of her duty she never managed."
"Duty," I said flatly
Dutydutyduty! Tra-la!
"She has said good-bye; she does not wish to see you again.
"... and we will never forget your teachings," she added.
"Don't," I said, automatically, suddenly knowing the great paradox which lies at the heart of all miracles. I did not believe a word of my own gospel, never had.
I stood, like a drunken man, and muttered "M'narra."
I went outside, into my last day on Mars.
I have conquered thee, Malann—and the victory is thine! Rest easy on thy starry bed. God damned!
I left the jeepster there and walked back to the Aspic, leaving the burden of life so many footsteps behind me. I went to my cabin, locked the door, and took forty-four sleeping pills.
But when I awakened I was in the dispensary, and alive.
I felt the throb of engines as I slowly stood up and somehow made it to the port.
Blurred Mars hung like a swollen belly above me, until it dissolved, brimmed over, and streamed down my face.