We entered the corridor, much narrower than the main one, and headed down it a little ways, passing two doors on each side and stopping in front of the third on the right. By this time Susie had my arm around her shoulders, and was all but carrying me. My legs felt like over boiled noodles, and I was on the verge of fainting again. Behind us, the mess area was alive with excited noise, but no one had followed us down. We entered the room, passing through a ghost door that just turned off and on.
Inside were simple, neatly kept quarters for two. There were standard furnishings and two beds close to each other. They were close because they had to be; the room was very small. There didn't seem to be a private bathroom, which was too bad; I would have really liked to heave my breakfast about then.
Susie lowered me onto the first bed and sat down on the second. She took my trembling hands in hers and rubbed them. She had a look of respect in her eyes.
"You, girl, have guts! No brains, but lots of guts."
"Yeah,? I stammered out.? Guts you're about to get all over your lap."
She started, but relaxed at my weak smile.? Whatever possessed you to do that? To stand up and make a spectacle of yourself?"
"Just trying to say thanks. And give as I got."
"Well, you did all that. Everyone has been pretty tense around here, wondering how you'd take all the changes. Now they have an idea. But you, girl! Wow! That was incredible!"
"Then why do I feel like I've been filleted?"
"That's easy. You pushed yourself too hard again. Only this time it was your emotions you rode too hard.
Guys can push down better than gals. Your 'guy' mind did quite a number on your 'gal' emotions. Ease up some, huh?"
I smiled weakly again and carefully sat up. My nerves and breathing were settling down. I looked around the tiny room.
The room was maybe, just maybe, three meters square. As you entered the room, the door was in the left front. There were two single beds, Susie's against the back wall and mine parallel to hers with a narrow, half-meter aisle between them. Facing the beds on the left wall as you entered were two chests of drawers, standing head-high. The beds and dressers took up two thirds of the room. The other third, nearest the door, had a narrow counter with what looked to be a computer display embedded into the wall, and a simple chair. As I'd mentioned, there was no bathroom, but I noticed a small sink with spigot to the left of the counter, in the corner. Beside the sink and on the wall beside my bed was a full length mirror. The mirror appeared to be painted on the stone. The door had a small alcove, all of one meter deep.
"So. Home Sweet Home?"
"Yep. Just the two of us. Normally I sleep alone unless I've been assigned a Cue. A female Cue,? she added hurriedly.? All the noncoms and officers have either private or semiprivate quarters. Because of my direct involvement with new Cues, I get my own quarters."
"Must be nice, rooming with a potential nut. Ummm, Susie? Are you, you know, comfortable with me sleeping with you? I mean, what with…"
"With you being a man to start with?? I nodded, avoiding her eyes. I had to admit I was scared of either answer.? Well, I didn't know until last night, remember. But yes, I gave it some thought once I did know."
"And what do you think?"
"I think I don't mind at all. You're not a man now; you're as female as I am. So I'm not worried about improper advances. For me at least, you've got nothing to advance that I'm interested in. And it's not like I'm embarrassed about having you watch me dress or shower or anything. You're more of a girl than I think you realize yet. So I wouldn't be hesitant about rooming with you for my sake or safety.
"Which leaves… what about you? Again, I don't mind. What are your choices, really? As uncomfortable as you are now, how much worse would it be if you bunked with one of the male noncoms-which you couldn't anyway. You'd probably die from shame. I would. And like I said, you're a lot more woman than you know. You'll find out, soon enough.? I had confusing emotions on that comment. Come to think of it, though, I had confusing emotions on everything.
She took my hands again.? So, no, my sweet Cue, I'm not at all worried or uncomfortable having you sleep with me. We're buddies now, and we watch out for each other.? She gave me a warm hug and a small kiss on the cheek. It tingled and felt nice. She stood up and pulled me to my feet. I wobbled, but stayed up.
"Well, back to work! We've got a lot of ground to cover. I need to show you around the place. This afternoon will be busy, but we have the evening to ourselves. Doctor Barrett wants to give you a checkup sometime this afternoon. Oh! And let's check the new shipment that came in; there should be some proper clothes in there for you. Then it's dinner, the gym, showers, and bed. Tomorrow, our research crowd wants to talk to you. If you're willing, they'd like to know more about you. Let's see…
anything else?"
A thought occurred to me.? Yes. I'm going to need a new name."
She giggled.? Already ahead of you, there. I'll be giving you your name tomorrow night, after dinner.
Tradition."
"Huh? You're picking my name? Why? And why would you even have need of such a tradition? Don't Cues keep their old names?"
"You'd think so, wouldn't you? But the fact is, many do change their names. Maybe as a way of marking old and new times, of starting ties with the present. Of course, many just keep their names.
"Whether or not they keep their original name, though, we still give you a name. We follow the tradition of having the primary researcher-who also acts as counselor for the first few months-name the Cue. Even the Cues who keep their original name often use our name as a middle name. It helps you become a part of us and our time. And it reminds us that we are responsible for you. So since I was the primary researcher, that makes me your counselor, your roomie, and I get the honor of naming you."
"Unfair!"
"Really? Who picked out your present name?"
"Well…"
"Your parents did, of course. Unless they let you grow up, calling you 'it', until you could choose yourself.
In a way, I'm your parent now.? She thought about it a moment.? Well, maybe more like your sister. I hope to be your friend-"
"You are my friend!? I said pretty forcefully and impetuously.
"Mind your manners and don't interrupt. Anyway, I'm your nearest living relative now, and one of your rescuers, and your roommate, so I get to name you."
"You're right. I'm sorry. So you name me tomorrow, huh?? She nodded.? What are you going to call me until then? 'It'?? I smiled and almost, but not quite, giggled.
"Just what I have now; nothing. I've been avoiding calling you John, both to help you acclimate and because it just sounds silly. No offense, John,? she giggled.
I giggled for the first time, and it felt wonderful, like opening a vent and letting all the pressure out.?
None taken. Go ahead and keep doing it that way.? I tapped my head.? I'm still John up here, but it's starting to sound silly to me, too.? I stood up.? I'm looking forward to tomorrow night. I'm also a little afraid of… aargh!? I said with frustration.? I hate these constantly mixed emotions! But I will keep my last name. I'll always be a Wyeth."
"Oh, yeah? What if you get married?"
That floored me. I tried to envision such an impossible circumstance, but my imagination boggled. It boggled because I pictured myself, my old self, in a wedding dress, a ludicrous sight even in the mind's eye. It hit me that I didn't really know what I looked like. I'd only had a brief glimpse of my face in the mirror in the doc's office, and it was pretty dark then. And I'd certainly had no inclination earlier this morning to see any of me. But now I felt the twinges of curiosity tugging at me. I glanced at the full-length mirror, off to the side. Maybe later today.
"I don't really see marriage in the future for me, Susie."
She gave a knowing look.? Well, maybe, maybe not. You're still young. Don't look at me like that.
Anyway, you could still keep Wyeth even if you did marry."
I shrugged.
"I dunno. I'm pretty traditional, and would probably…? My mind caught up with what my mouth was saying, and I shut up. Susie laughed.
"Now how about that tour?"
As a tour, it ended almost before it started. We left our quarters, the ghost door blanking the entire frame, and turned right along the corridor. We skipped the first door on the left-Susie said it would be the last one on the tour-and came to the first door on the right after our room. She knocked on the ghost door. It gave an odd, hollow sound. There was no answer, so we continued on. Susie said it was the quarters of Corporals Bent and Geher, the other two female noncoms beside herself. We continued on to the next door, only three meters further down and also on the right. Susan ushered me in through the double-wide ghost door which allowed us entrance while turning translucent.
We walked down a short hallway and into a large room holding maybe three dozen single beds. The barracks. The women's barracks. There were six women in there with us. Four were sprawled out on their bunks, either sleeping or relaxing. The other two were stark naked, toweling off after a shower. I felt myself getting very uncomfortable and wondered just how loud they'd scream when they saw me. But they didn't. They just waved and curtsied in their birthday suits, mimicking my performance with mischief but no malice. Susan walked us up to them and introduced me. We chatted a bit about something then left. I noticed I hadn't stared a single time, and could actually remember their faces better than their other, um, features.
We stepped out, and I breathed a sigh of relief, sagging against the rock wall. Susan looked at me curiously and far too innocently.? Something wrong?"
"No. Yes. I don't know. That was so weird. You sadistic little so and so. You could have at least warned me!"
She smiled wickedly. This girl had a nasty streak in her I'd have to watch.? Why? Just a bunch of women and one young lady making small talk,? she said naively. But her next comment showed her true thoughts.? So, what was it like?"
"Like I said, weird. I kept thinking that I'd start staring at them and drooling. But I didn't even care.? I blushed.? Well, I cared maybe a little. This is pretty hard to say, but I was… was…"
"Comparing their bodies to yours?"
I stared at her.? How did you know?"
She laughed.? Silly. Almost all women do that. See, I told you you were more woman than you realized.
Just wait until you compare yourself to somebody you know. Like me.? I flushed even more at that thought. Flushing seemed to be one of my more accomplished skills so far this century. I became convinced there was a? Turn Red? switch inside me, and some maniac was at the controls.
"Still, try to warn me, okay?"
"Okay,? she said cheerfully. We walked to the next door on the right, about ten meters down.?
Consider yourself warned. Here are the ladies showers and rest rooms.? She grabbed my arm and tried to haul me in, but being warned, I pulled back.
She tugged harder, but not hard enough to force me, which I'm sure she could.? Come on!"
"Susan, no! I'll die of embarrassment!"
She relented immediately.? All right, then. Let's go in here.? She indicated the next door on the right, five meters from the ladies room.
"What's in there?? I asked suspiciously.
"The men's showers and rest rooms. Now, in you go.? Again she tried to get me in, but pushing this time instead of pulling. This time I really lost it. My little maniac was hitting the red button. With a sledge hammer.
"Are you crazy! I can't go in there!"
She stopped her pushing and crossed her arms.? So what's it going to be? Men's? Women's? Or should we just dig a hole for you outside the cave?"
"I don't know,? I said sullenly.
"Good grief! One or the other! Decide! Either that or…? she paused and smiled mischievously.? Or we can just wait an hour or so and let nature decide. You drank an awful lot of juice for breakfast, you know. Milk, too."
Now here was a problem. And her mentioning it only made it worse, cutting her hour estimate down considerably. By about an hour. But the problem was all in my head. There really only was one choice. I might die of embarrassment in the ladies room, but I'd probably get arrested in the men's. Giving her as indignant a? Hmmph!? as I could muster, I walked into the ladies room, Susan following.
When we came out five minutes later, I was relieved, in more ways than one. Despite her attempts at making it as terrible an experience as possible-including shouting out helpful and somewhat vulgar hints while I made use of the facilities-it wasn't uncomfortable at all. Which was her point. A point she intended to drive home.
"Now do you get it? Own up to it, girlie; you're a girlie."
"I already knew that.? I didn't feel too cooperative.
"Yes, you know it. But do you feel it? It can't just be in your head. It's got to be in your mind, your being, your… your soul.? She really was banging at this, but I had had enough. I felt a switch go off. But this time it had anger labeled on it.
"Just let it go! You don't have to pound it into me! I'm not an idiot!"
"Then don't act like one!? Susie spoke louder, more frustrated than mad.
"Me? You're the one trying to haul me into places I don't want to go or can't go! I'm done with the tour!
I'm going back to our room!? And I stalked off.
Or at least I tried to stalk off. I had kept telling myself that Susie was bigger and stronger than me, and that she could use force if she wanted to. She'd even said so, in a round about way, when explaining the reason behind using such young teens. But I don't think I believed it. I had looked up at her. I was in her underwear and it was too big for me, and her clothes almost hung on me. Yet I somehow knew I could handle her if I had to, which made me feel a bit more secure and in control. That security and control was about to become a shattered illusion.
I had gone five paces when I felt an iron grip latch onto my upper left arm, and then she was dragging back me into the ladies room. I screamed at her to let go of me, and used every ounce of strength I had to twist free, but I was helpless. The best I could do was stagger her walk a little, and not much at that.
She effortlessly slung me through the door and walked in after me. I heard her speak a quick word, and the door became solid. She grabbed me again and hauled me into the showers, which were abandoned at the time, though still wet from use. Again, she tossed me with ease into the middle of the slick tiling. I slipped and went down.
I rose to my feet, wet and angry. Who was she to… I didn't even bother trying to finish the thought. I just went at her. That little…
I was on the tiles again. I started to get up again when she walked up and heaved me up to then up off my feet. I landed, still in her grip, and began fighting like a wildcat. A desperate, terrified wildcat. Holding my shoulders, and ignoring my best blows, she slowly shoved me back to the shower wall, her face showing no emotion.
Suddenly, that wall became an enemy to me. To touch it meant defeat. I yelled and hit and tried to break free, all with no effect. Against every fiber in my being, I was being forced back. I didn't want her to win.
I didn't! I planted my feet and pushed back. Nothing. I lost a step, then another. I twisted my shoulders to wriggle free, and with my hands tried to hit her. But my reach only extended to her upper arms, and my fists pounded her like goose down. My skinny shoulders remained locked in her painful grip. I lost another step and felt the wall behind my foot. I used the wall as leverage and pushed with all my weight and strength. I felt an even greater force pushing back.
I looked up into Susie's eyes. She had tears in her eyes, and looked so very sad, but very resolved.
"I'm sorry. But you are going to learn.? And with that she pinned my shoulders against the wall.
The anger vanished as quickly as it had come upon me. I understood now. I started to sob, then openly cry. It was far worse than last night. The total realization of who and what I was enveloped my mind, my being, my soul. It was complete and final and devastating. I slumped to the wet tiling, wailing. Susan released my shoulders and pulled me into her embrace. This time, I felt no fear or discomfort whatsoever, but clung to her with even greater resolve than I had mustered to fight her. She held me tight to her breast, her fingers playing through my hair while my emotions ran their course. My tears poured down my cheeks as I cried and cried and cried.
How long we remained like that, I don't know. At least ten minutes. Perhaps as many as thirty. It was a long time before my crying settled down to sobbing, then whimpering. Susie held me close the whole time, patting me, whispering into my ear, comforting me with hugs, all while we huddled together on the floor of the women's shower. Any of these things would have irritated or shamed me had I been a man.
But I wasn't a man, nor would I ever be a man. I was a young woman, and all of these things suddenly meant the world to me.
I raised my tear-streaked face and looked into Susie's eyes, smiling shyly. She smiled quietly back at me and hugged me again. I closed my eyes and tried to lose myself in her strength. I heard a quiet step.
"Susie? Can we help?? asked a soft, quiet voice. It was one of the women who must have been locked in with us.
"Oh, thank you, Kerry. Yes. Would you see if the last shipment has her new clothes? If so, bring a change, please. And for me, too. We're soaked through and through, I'm afraid. Thank you."
I heard her and another woman move away quietly. Someone spoke, and I heard the door unlock and they were gone, the door locking behind them. I felt Susie take hold of me by the shoulders, but ever so gently this time, and pull me from her. She looked into my eyes, her own eyes still misty. She reached a hand to my cheek and wiped a tear.
"I'm so sorry. I knew this was coming, and I hated it, but it almost always has to be this way.? She stood up and helped me to my feet.? Let's get you cleaned up a bit."
We walked over to the sink and washed my face. Lifting my head from the still running tap, I looked straight into the mirror for the first time.
It was a young girl's face. Hazel eyes, brown, shoulder length hair, normal girlish features. A little coltish and not fully developed overall, but with a very nice mouth. I recognized it. It was my face. I looked harder. It was my face. My breath caught.
"I… I'm pretty!"
"Of course you are! But I wasn't going to tell you until you realized it. You probably would have slugged me."
I hung my head shamefully.? I-I-I'm sorry, Susie. I was terrible."
"Yes, you were. A bratty, headstrong, angry little witch. Exactly the way I was when I was fourteen.? I looked up sharply at her. I slowly nodded my head.
"You were right to do it. I-I thought I had done a pretty good job of dealing with this. Especially after my cafeteria performance. I guess I was fooling myself."
She smiled. It was nice to see the smile back.? You were fooling yourself. But don't short cred yourself, either. You showed yourself and us that you were a person, I just showed you that you were a female person. But being a person is more important. Being female is a bonus.? She smiled again at me, and I had to smile back.
"Until now, I guess I had seen it as, well, being a negative."
"Teenagers!? she chided.? Always full of opinions, and almost always wrong!? Her laugh robbed the words of any bite. I felt much better.
We heard the door open, and Kerry walked in with an armful of clothing. Kerry was an older woman, maybe fifty or so. Older? Fifty wasn't old. Yes, it was, I thought, if you were fourteen. I looked again, trying to use my mind, and she still looked fifty, but also younger than a moment ago. She had graying hair and laughter lines, but was in good shape physically. She smiled at me and set everything down on the counter. She picked up the top set of clothing and handed them to me.
"Here you go! They just came in and are made for a girl just your size.? She gave me a quick up and down.? Though I'll bet you grow out of them in no-"
"Thank you, Kerry,? Susie interrupted. Kerry flushed with realization. I was suddenly tired of this soft-stepping. Enough was enough.
"No, Susie, that's all right.? I looked at Kerry.? Thank you, so much, Kerry. Could you do me a big favor?"
"Yes,? she answered without hesitation.
"Please finish your thought. Exactly as you were going to.? I closed my eyes to listen.
"Ummm… well, all right. I was going to say, I'll bet you grow out of these clothes in no time. You look like a girl who's going to turn men's heads before long.? She stopped and waited.
I played the words through my head, tasting them and letting them play their way through me, tickling my ego and psyche. They settled in and made me blush with pride. With pride! I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. I opened my eyes and smiled.
"Thank you, Kerry. I mean it.? She appeared surprised and pleased with my sincerity.? Thank you for finishing the compliment. It really sounds and feels like one."
She peered closely at me for a moment, measuring me. I think she liked what she saw, for she smiled and said,? You should be labeled 'dangerous', young lady. You're going to be a heart breaker!? She laughed and left. I heard the door lock again at her passing. I started undressing.
Susie was sizing me up also.? You're also going to be a handful."
I laughed.? Bet on it! And all thanks to you, Susie. Suddenly, I feel so alive!? I pulled off my top and slung it away, laughing and twirling, the loose bra straps slipping off my shoulders. But I didn't care. Susie looked at me sharply.
"Are you okay?? She sounded concerned.
"I dunno. Probably not.? I unhooked the bra and dropped it, feeling lightheaded and excited and daring.
? I'll probably be bawling my eyes out in another ten minutes. But let's enjoy it while we can, okay?
Please?"
She hesitated, then shrugged and began undressing.? All right. But if it gets too wild, we stop, okay?"
"Oh, don't be a poop! The roller coaster's starting and it's my ticket,? I said with giddy delight. I pulled off my pants and threw them at her.? Here! These are yours!"
She laughed and relaxed. Before long, we were in the showers, using them this time instead of fighting in them. I felt the warm water pulsing over my body, enjoying the moment. My giddiness was fading, but I felt a comfortable, content feeling replacing it.
We finished rinsing and toweled off. I'd been tempted to sneak a look at Susie as we showered, but refrained. Not because I was uncomfortable, but because she was. I did look at her though as she toweled off, her back to me. Her legs were indeed lithe and lean, a match for the rest of her petite figure.
And her silky, ebony skin was just as smooth and perfect on her body as it was on her face. Though she was in her twenties, she had about her an ageless quality that would keep her youthful even when she had great-grandchildren.
"Shoe's on the other foot, huh, Susie?? I looked at my bare feet.? Poor analogy, we don't have any shoes on.? She turned her head.
"How do you mean?"
"You warned me that I was more female than I realized; that I'd compare my physique to yours eventually. But when I try to, you're the one with her back turned and a towel around her middle,? I giggled.
She blushed and grinned sheepishly.? You're right! I am nervous. This is crazy! I've done this a dozen times, with a dozen Cues."
"But not quite like this."
"Not quite like this,? she agreed. She dropped the towel and walked to me and her clothing.? But not all that different, either. I'm sorry.? She relaxed even further, and for at least a little while, we really were just two friends.
We dressed. More accurately, Susie dressed herself, then me. My last project at NATech had me solving the near impossible feat of creating viable underwater cities, with humans capable of breathing air and water, yet I could not figure out how to put a stupid bra on. I had put myself into a second contorted position when Susie noticed. She was already dressed.
"I can't believe you! You glance at solar simulation panels that you've never seen before in your life and nail their theory, workings, and energy source, all in one breath. But then you get caught up in your own bra!? Nothing like hearing an echo of my myopic brilliance.? Here. No, no. It closes in the front. After you put it on! Just put it on like a jacket.? She fiddled with the adjustments and when she at last let go, I was amazed at the difference. It was like a second skin.
"Wow! It's like I'm not wearing one! Now this I can get used to!"
We finished up. I still had on pants and a shirt-blouse, I mean-but they fit very comfortably. I looked at myself in front of the full-length mirror beside the counter. My figure showed a good bit more in this much less baggy uniform. I liked that. For now. I turned to Susie, who was finishing combing her hair with a brush Kerry had thoughtfully included. I turned from the mirror, taking in one last look of my profile.
"Let's finish that tour. I promise I'll behave."
She stepped over and began running the brush through my thick hair. I didn't really have a hair style. Just pretty much as it lay, with shorter bangs in front.
"No more tantrums?"
"No more tantrums."
"Good. Next time I may just belt you one.? My eyes widened with surprise and just a twinge, the smallest twinge, of fear. Susie saw it reflected in the mirror. She twirled me around.? Hey, I'm just kidding!"
I stared down at the floor.? I-I know. I'm sorry.? I couldn't believe I even thought that she was serious.
But…
"Don't be! I'm the one who's sorry. Poor joke and poor timing. Now let's see that smile.? I lifted my face and smiled. Tentative, but honest.
"I suppose that's the best I deserve. I'll behave myself, too."
"Promise?"
"Promise. Well, I think we've seen enough of the ladies room for awhile. Let's check out the rest.? We left our wet things where they were. I had a hunch they would be clean and dry and sitting on our beds before we even got back to our room.
We exited the bathroom, leaving it unlocked this time. I half expected to see a dozen women in the hall, dancing the Kansas City two-step. We'd had that bathroom to ourselves for more than an hour. But no, the hallway was deserted. I knew why now. From Susie's comments, a lot of Cues came into their own in that room. Certainly not a function I would normally have associated with a shower.
We continued down the hall to our right. It, in turn, curved to our left about thirty meters further. On our immediate left was a large, translucent opening.
"The men's barracks. Completely off limits to all female personnel.? That pretty much precluded exploration in there. We passed the men's showers on the right. I'd already been as close to them as I wanted. Further on the left, just as the hall curved, was another large opening into the men's barracks. By now, the hallway had magically come to life, with people again moving up and down. Some waved at us, a few greeted us, and most just walked by, leaving us our privacy. Everyone smiled.
The hall finished a gentle ninety degree turn and headed, Susie told me, south. There were four doors on the left and five on the right. These were quarters for married couples, the male noncoms, and Lt.
Sanchez, whose room was the last one before the hall went up a ramp and opened into the hanger. Susie walked by them without bothering to knock. Just as well. I didn't really want to deal with too much at one time. We walked up the ramp and into the hanger.
My perceptions of space were right on. It looked the same size as last night, about eighty meters wide and fifty deep from the mouth. I saw now that there was also a large square area extending to our right. It had the same-what did Susie call them?-solar simulation panels, as the mess. Several tables dotted the area. But this was clearly the exercise and recreation facility. There were several people working out on exercise machines, gym bars and wrestling mats. I thought of my wrestling workouts with Chris-to me, the last one was only three days ago-and wondered what he'd say now. I thought of some of the moves he had used on me in the past and blushed. It was probably just as well he was dust. From what Janet had never implied but nonetheless communicated, I'd need to kill him anyway after one or two sessions. I pointed at the equipment.
"I'm a little surprised you have those. I had gathered you kept pretty busy."
"Oh, we get busy, all right. But it comes in bursts. We might go for weeks with little or no activity, then boom! we're suddenly pulling double shifts and using coffee in place of sleep. And for dogs like me, in research, we hardly ever get good work outs unless we're relocating."
"Relocating? Doctor Barrett had mentioned your group is illegal. That's why I wanted to escape last night. I imagine sudden relocation comes with the job description. How often do you move?"
Susie shrugged.? All depends. We've been in one place as long as three years. Then we moved four times in six months. We've been here for eight months now."
"But maybe not much longer?? I ventured.
"We've been at yellow for about two weeks. Yellow means standby for seventy-two hour relocation. If it goes to red, we move.? She looked at me.? How did you know?"
"It wasn't too hard. Doctor Barrett said several things that made me think that. And I observed your men loading last night-but for a different reason-before I got caught."
"That was for a raid. You sure gave us a scare, though! They woke me up and told me about three sentences as I ran over here to be your pilot. It was only a coincidence that the smallest woman in the Third was also your counselor. It wasn't the way I'd planned on meeting you. Still, I was a little proud at how you got so far."
"Well, I'm glad I did get caught. Now. But would you have taken me where I wanted to go?"
"Uh-huh. As you've guessed, we exist primarily to return to ripes their own personas. If we could give them their bodies as well, we would. But we can't, and even have to steal the ones we do give them.
When they wake up, they have an incredible amount of adjusting to go through, as you know firsthand. A few just shut down. Others go nuts. Many, however, make it, and are integrated into society after two to four months. But while they're here, they get pretty much what they want. To a point. That would have included taking you out in the hov."
We had wandered through most of the hanger, which had modest activity. Mainly vehicle repair. Several were armed and damaged. A thought occurred to me.
"Wait. Two to four months? Doctor Barrett mentioned my being the only one here. Yet you said you had done nearly fifty in three years. By those numbers, there should be four or five here now.? I waited expectantly.
"Sorry, kid. Don't get your hopes up. We never have that many here at any time. Remember, there is a high failure rate,? she sighed heavily.? It's about one in three. Terrible odds, and an awful risk. That's why we pick the ripes with the best chance to survive but who are in the worst conditions. You filled the bill in the second, easily, but your chances of survival were unknown. I wish I could tell you how frustrating it was when we couldn't find out anything about you. Our society on Earth has evolved to a point that there is a single, world authority. Information access has reached a point that even the Resistance regiments can freely gather what we want. And data webbing techniques date back to the middle of the twenty-first Century, over 600 hundred years ago, so the data is comprehensive."
I nodded absently, my thoughts elsewhere.? Yeah. That was Chris' project. I knew he'd pull it off. But I had no idea it would work this well."
Why I said that, I'll never know. I suppose it was my hormones wreaking havoc on my judgment.
Impetuous youth. Maybe a juvenile need to show off. If I was looking to get the spotlight, I was successful.
Susie's jaw dropped and she stared at me. Gawked, more like.? What did you say? You knew Chris Young? Who are you?"
"I'm nobody you'd know, Susie. I'm surprised you even know Chris. Against all regulations… well, I've said enough. Are you going to be at the interview later?? She nodded.? Good! I'll need you to hide behind. I'll talk more then. And we can have a little one on one tonight, in our quarters.? And I had decided I would talk. NATech couldn't still exist after 600 years, could they? And if they did, could I still be responsible for my oath of secrecy? I couldn't see how. Still, there was a way to find out, since they were using Chris's webbing scheme, but I would need access to a terminal. Private access. I put the thought aside for the moment.
"So. Getting back to the story. You didn't have any info on me…"
She looked at me a second, then continued.? Uhhh… no information. That's right. We didn't have any information on your original persona, not even your name. We did have spotty facts on some of your past ripes. And, of course, we knew a great deal about your last ripe."
"Is there any chance I could find out what, or who, I was?? I'm not sure I wanted to know, but I did want to have the option. I think.
Susie shook her head decisively.? Not from us, you won't. We view all ripings as abominations, no matter what the circumstances. Once we've rescued the original persona, our research data and trolling routines are wiped, and the researcher gives a vow to never disclose any details."
"And since you were my researcher, that's all been wiped?? She nodded. I looked down and scuffed my feet against the rock floor.? Well, don't worry. I was just curious. But I'm glad I can't find out.? And I meant it. I did feel relieved.? Getting my head on straight is hard enough without gumming up the works with useless information."
She smiled approvingly.? That's the spirit! I should tell you, though, the time will come when you'll feel an overwhelming need to find out about your past. I know because we've encountered it with nearly every Cue we maintain contact with. Most Cues never reach the level of training needed to do that kind of digging. And access at those levels is grueling. No offense intended; almost no-one reaches that level.
So the feeling to know past ripes fades in time. Usually for good.
"But I'm getting an idea that you're the exception. I guess I'm not surprised. You've been the exception all along. You probably could find out. So let me give you a friendly warning: Don't. I'm not betraying any secrets when I say this, and I say it with the hope of killing curiosity, not arousing it. Your past ripes, what we could find of them, were dirty, horrible, and, quite frankly, scary.? She held herself and, despite the warmth pouring through the huge cavern opening we were now standing in front of, she shivered.?
Normally, the worst are the hardest to find, so I'm more terrified of what we didn't find than of what we did.? She looked off. Maybe it was a cold sunlight out there, because I shivered, too.
There didn't seem to be a whole lot to say to that, so I kept quiet. We stood there together for a while, thinking our own thoughts. The cave entrance had a type of holographic force field across the entire entrance. I don't know how it appeared from the outside-probably native rock with plant life if the imaging system was sophisticated enough-but from the inside it seemed as if I were looking through murky water with a scum of oil on the surface. I couldn't make out details at all, but if I viewed the outside as an entire scene, I was given the impression of a forested mountain. Yet as soon as I looked at one specific area, the image seemed to swirl away, leaving a confusing mix of colors and light. It was somehow mesmerizing.
"Lost in thought, ladies?? A warm male voice spoke behind us, so soothing and pleasant that even the unexpected interruption didn't startle us. We turned, and I saw Lt. Sanchez-the officer who had so capably kept me from hurting myself or others the previous night-approaching us.
"Lieutenant! Sir!? Susie came to attention and saluted.
Lt. Sanchez returned the salute.? Oh, knock it off, Susan. You're on special duty. Don't give our guest the wrong idea. She might think you people really follow my orders.? He turned his gaze to me. I felt almost like hiding behind Susie. I even took a step back and toward her. He was enormous. His legs looked like the size of trees, and his arms made a forest. His mahogany complexion was warm and friendly. But his eyes exuded confidence and authority, and perhaps a little sadness. He smiled, and his white teeth showed from underneath his handsomely groomed mustache.
"Please. Don't be shy on my account, young lady. You didn't act too shy last night."
"Last night I was ready to kill you."
"Yes. Well, not all our plans turn out. It's all for the better, I believe. Unplanned events are the spice of life. Oh, step up, girl! I think anyone who's capable of getting as far as you did last night can stand up to a little bit of guilt. Front and center!"
His voice was very compelling, but without malice. Years of military training woke up, and I stepped up beside Susie, coming to attention. He nodded, as if having discovered something of interest.
"At ease, miss. You've served, haven't you?"
"Yes, sir. Recon, Company A, 138th Regiment, Second Armored."
"Rank?"
"Corporal, sir!? I responded. Not wanting to make it awkward for him, I decided to hedge my rank.
My high voice made my replies sound comical.
"Duties?? I remained silent. He spoke again, a little firmer.? Duties?"
Again, I remained silent, the flashback slowly fading, and common sense reasserting itself. Still, it had felt nice, like for a moment I had belonged. I relaxed.
"They were varied and… classified, Lieutenant."
"I see. And you will not give me details, Corporal? Not even after six centuries?"
"No, sir. Not yet. I'm not sure of the situation, sir. Perhaps after awhile."
"And if I ordered you?? he asked quietly.
It was my turn to smile.? Order? Well, I'll obey your orders in the here and now, Lieutenant. But first, those duties were classified, so I could respond only on a need to know basis. Second, they were in a different military. And, I'm sorry, sir, but third, corporal was not the military rank I mustered out with. I held a commission. The actual rank I held was… well,? my smile spread wider with the delicious thought,? would you take orders from me?"
He laughed.? No, I wouldn't. You're doing well, young lady! Take a look at Susan.? She was again looking at me like she'd been stunned.? Our Cue counselors like to think they've got you people all figured out. Sometimes I think that when looking into your memories and finding everything they can about you, they forget that you've lived those memories. It helps to shake them up now and then."
"Yes, sir. Ummm, I'm sorry for the trouble I caused last night.? And for a little while ago, but last night was serious.
He waved it off.? Don't apologize. I wasn't looking for an apology. I was looking for you.? He tapped me on the chest.? You showed ingenuity and guts last night.? Yeah, it was real clever of me, fainting to throw everyone off their guard.? I've always told my dogs to stay alert, and they think they are. Yet a teenager rouses herself from Healer's Sleep, roams freely in the halls, arms herself with a gun from Dusty's room, and comes within a password of stealing a hov and pilot. You're getting a bit of a name for yourself.? I wonder what kind of name I'd have when my tantrum in the bathroom became common knowledge. Of course, since all Cues went through the same right of passage, perhaps it wouldn't be too bad.
"Raul, let's not go over…? Susan started, but was cut short.
"Susan. Please. I've handled many male Cues, just as you've done many female ones. We share this one.
? He looked at me,? You like it straight, don't you?"
"Yes,? I said frankly. Susan gave me an irritated look.
He nodded.? I thought so. I don't know what your specific duties were, but I do know something of recon units, even from that era. They didn't pick you because you had a pretty face.? He smiled.?
Though you've got one now.? I blushed. Susan face was also red, but she wasn't blushing.
"Raul! Please! We've already talked about this. It was agreed…"
"Corporal!? he barked, all friendliness disappearing like a vapor. Susan snapped to, as rigid as Lot 's wife.
"Sir!? She remained immobile.
"I have chosen command prerogative."
"Yes, sir!"
"Very well.? He stepped up close, inspecting her eyes, which were riveted straight ahead.? See that you remember.? He stepped back and looked at me. I felt my body tightening into attention of its own volition-he had that effect. He smiled again at me, bowing slightly and elegantly.? I look forward to dinner with you tomorrow evening. I very much want to call you by your new name.? His tone became neutral as he switched back to Susie. He said,? Dismissed,? and walked away toward one of the larger disabled vehicles, rolling up his sleeves.
Susan yanked me by the arm in the other direction, nearly pulling me off my feet. She stormed off in the direction of the wide ramp leading up toward the medical corridor. I was like a helpless leaf, caught up in the backwash of her fury. I staggered along for a few steps, but protested when we got to the edge of the ramp.
"Hey, Susie! Slow down! And calm down!"
She seemed aware of me for the first time. She stopped and released my arm, staring back at Sanchez.
He had disappeared beneath the frame. Flickering shafts of bright light came out from under the chassis
DAMAGE TO THE PRIMARY AND SECONDARY HULLS IS CONSIDERABLE. THAT LOSS OF LIFE WAS MINIMAL IS DUE TO THE QUICK ACTION OF THE CAPTAIN AND CREW. WELDING DETAIL IS BEING DISPATCHED WITH REPAIR SPECIFICATIONS. COMPLETION IN 32 HOURS, 17 MINUTES. IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT HIGH DENSITY RESIN BE USED AT A 65% SATURATION LEVEL BETWEEN HULLS AT THE SITE OF THE REPAIR, WITH 40% SATURATION AT AREAS WITHIN 2.5 METERS OF THE REPAIR SITE. ESTIMATED INCREASE IN REPAIR TIMES: 4 HOURS, 52 MINUTES.
as he welded. I was impressed. Susie was not. She looked as if she wanted to use her eyes to weld him to the chassis underbelly. If a girl had given me that look in my day, I'd have become a monk. On the spot.
"Oh! That man can be so… so… uhhhhh!"
"What?? I asked intelligently.
"Didn't you see? He was all ready to treat you like a dog, just because you'd been one centuries ago.
Like it makes a difference now!"
"Oh, I don't know. I kinda liked it."
"You wha t? But he didn't even pay any attention to your feelings, that insensitive ape!"
"I know. And it was nice. C'mon Susie. I'll admit I'm female now. Heck, I'll even admit I'm learning to enjoy it. A lot. But for thirty-one years, 'me' has been from his side of the gender. I don't care how much things have changed; that doesn't get wiped out in two days. It doesn't matter how pumped full of estrogen I am. If it did, what would be the point in restoring me? So I liked his direct attitude. And I like your emotional and relational approach.? I took her hand and looked at her.? Hey, this is supposed to be for me, isn't it?? She nodded.? Then let Raul do his bit. Believe me, I think it'll help without messing up my signals. Please?"
She nodded again and looked toward Sanchez.? I'm sorry. But sometimes he gets me so angry and…"
"Excited?? I had a sudden insight and shook my head. It was so crystal clear.? Wow.? Susie looked at me, a distrustful look in her eye.
"Are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I think I just had my first flash of woman's intuition.? I looked at her.? You… you like him, don't you?"
" Him? Of course not!? she lied.
"No, you do! I don't know how, but I'm certain of it! You've feelings for Raul Sanchez!? I said triumphantly. And loudly. And without thinking. Fortunately, Susan was thinking and crammed her hand into my mouth as I blurted it out. Several people in the general vicinity glanced our way, but if they had any opinions as to the wisdom of choking someone they'd risked their lives for, they kept them to themselves.
"Are you crazy? Somebody will hear you! True or not, I'd never live it down!"
"Shaaawwee,? I choked out through her fingers. She pulled them free.? I suppose I'd better keep those woman intuition things to myself, huh?"
She smiled at me sweetly.? That wasn't woman's intuition, girl. That was pure delusion. Let's go see Doctor Barrett. Maybe he can give you something to soothe your imagination.? She started leading me up the ramp.? Like shock treatment."