It was still pitch black when I opened my eyes. I was pressed up against Susan, my head resting on her breast. She had fallen asleep. I lay quiet, not wanting to waken her. She was warm, and I could hear her steady heartbeat. I closed my eyes again and listened, letting the rhythmic thudding coax me into relaxation. I struggled to understand what had happened.
I remember that I was standing, nervously waiting for the inducer to be set off. It must have taken effect instantaneously, for the next memory I had was waking up in the darkness, feeling utterly abandoned and worthless. Susie must have been waiting for me, for she had been at my side even as I cried myself awake.
If the state I was in could be called awake. It was the agonizing realm of not quite aware nightmare. That time when you still feel the terror, but have none of the memory. That was how I felt when I came to. I had first become aware of how difficult my breathing was. Then I felt a tingling in my muscles, and a jerking that was just beyond my control. It was far, far worse than Healer's Sleep, which provided warmth and comfort, if a vague sense of frustration. But this was a smothering weight of the bitter memories of still felt sensations, a lingering coldness that was very real. Even now, some time after the episode, I can feel it in the recesses of my wounded psyche.
Despite being warned, I had no way of knowing about or being prepared for the overwhelming sense of fear and exposure that seized me. Being able to look back on it, now that it had passed, I could understand why. No doubt the intrusion into my mind, my being, was near absolute. I couldn't tell what time it was, but I supposed it was the middle of the night. Susie had told me it would last only two or three hours. We had even made plans for the evening. But they probably found more than they thought, and had taken at least twelve hours to… to…
Without warning, a sense of numbing, terrifying dread overwhelmed me. I again felt stripped and vulnerable, exposed and humiliated. I filled my lungs with a deep, quavering breath, but still couldn't breathe. My chest hurt, and I felt my body tightening with spasms. My helplessness and complete lack of control terrified me. I choked off a sob. To survive the debilitating attack, I knew I needed an anchor.
My head, though my neck muscles were taut, was still against Susie's chest. This woman, my friend, would be my anchor. I tried to shut out the demons tearing at me and concentrated on Susie's reassuring heartbeat, forcing myself to breathe.
Slowly at first, then with growing relief, I felt the attack recede. Even as the thought came, I felt the surge of dread begin to shoot through me. I thought about the Susie's steady heartbeat. I imagined my heart beating at the same rate as hers, allowing it to become slow and steady. The second wave faded.
Peacefulness laid a tenuous and gossamer thin cloak over me. It settled on my skin, then soaked deeper.
I kept my focus, and it penetrated further. But I was badly shaken. This wasn't a remnant or flashback. I had gone from being my own person to being a… a thing, all in the space of two heartbeats. It left me frightened and unsure. Unsure…
Panic gripped me. Tears began streaming without letup. I pressed my lips tight to stop their trembling.
My arm, wrapped around Susie's waist, tightened. No! Please! NO! Thud-ud. Thud-ud. Slow. Steady.
Reassuring. Non-threatening. I consciously loosened my grip on her, but still clung. Thud-ud. Thud-ud.
Breathe in. Thud-ud. Breathe out. Thud-ud. Soothing regularity. Peaceful rhythm. Thud-ud. Listen carefully… I opened my mouth with a silent scream as it rushed at me again, a huge beast that meant to destroy my body, my mind, me.
My throat tightened and closed as the horror of my shame savaged me. I whimpered, then moaned, shuddering the length of my body. With horror, I realized I couldn't hear her heart! I sobbed, and my tears began wetting her top, still damp from earlier. Her heart! Where was her heartbeat? Thinking of nothing else, I again tightened my grip and pushed my head harder against her chest. Desperation and intense hopelessness engulfed me.
She brought her arms around me, holding me tight. My body was heaving with wracking sobs. I felt dirty.
Used. Cast aside, like
PLEASE HIT ME AGAIN. IT'S MY FAULT I'M NOT BLEEDING ENOUGH. UHHH! THANK YOU! I'M ASHAMED TO ASK ANYTHING, BUT HIT ME AGAIN, PLEASE! I ONLY WANT TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. YES, I LOVE BEING BEATEN. UHHHH! I'M SORRY I FELL DOWN. YES, YOU SHOULD HIT ME BECAUSE I FELL DOWN. IT'S YOUR RIGHT. I WANT YOU TO UHHH! HIT ME. I-I-I CAN'T BREATHE RIGHT. UHHH! NO, I'D NEVER COMPLAIN. I'M UHH!!! HAPPY, BECAUSE… BECAUSE YOU UHH! ARE.
so much garbage. I had been laid open and exposed for all to destroy and mock, and I had allowed it.
Had I enjoyed it? Shame struck deep into the very core of my being. If I couldn't stop it, then maybe I deserved…
NO! I pounded on Susan with all my feeble strength, fighting off my despair and sense of worthlessness.
IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! I did not do this to myself! I did not allow it! It was forced on me! I had no choice! IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! Still, I clung to Susie, unaware of any attentions she may be giving me. Then I did become aware, slowly, that she was holding me to her, tightly, as though trying to share my pain. Her care made me feel worthwhile. I felt the stirrings of control, shreds of respect returning to me.
But how did I know she really cared for me? Doubt gripped my mind, strangled my will. Insecurity and guilt raked my mind. You little fool! You completely helpless, worthless, fool. A rancid, meaningless piece of…
"NO!? I shrieked.? IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! NO! No!…? I clenched my teeth and fought my terror back. My face was still buried in Susie's chest. I fought off my doubts and turned my ear to her breast again. I forced myself to stop sobbing and listened again for her heartbeat.
Horror… self-hatred…? No,? I whispered. Listen! I held Susie with all my strength.? No.? Then I heard it. Thud-ud. Steady. Thud-ud. Doubt… shame… humiliation.? No.? Thud-ud. Thud-ud.
I felt Susie's hugs again, and heard her whispering quietly in my ear. Thud-ud. Thud-ud. I let her share her strength with me. Why was she sharing? Doubt ignited suspicion. Mistrust exploded inside me, shooting panic like shrapnel through my being. I began to pull away, then stopped myself and with great effort went back into her embrace, placing my ear against her left breast once again. Thud-ud. Thud-ud.
Thud-ud. She stroked my hair, still whispering. Thud-ud. Thud-ud. I reached up a shaky hand and placed it on her cheek. It was wet with tears. Mesmerized by the thudding of her strong heart, I ran my fingers over to her hair, letting the thick, curly strands trickle and flow through my fingers. Thud-ud.
Thud-ud. Thud-ud. I lowered my hand and let it rest on her chest. I sighed and felt the smallest tingle. It was an emotion, no a feeling. No, it was a sense of being. I felt secure. Safe. Protected. My mind slowly came back to be my own. I was becoming me again. My horror and self-loathing had faded. Thud-ud.
Thud-ud. I told myself it was time to heal, and I believed it. Thud-ud. Thud-ud. Tears welled up, and I began to cry again. But this time it was not the uncontrollable crying of hopelessness, nor the painful wail of desolate anguish. It was the cleansing weeping of acceptance and restoration.
I neither knew nor cared how long I wept. But gradually my tears slowed then stopped. I would be a long time recovering from these sensations of humility and vulnerability, but now I knew I would recover.
"How are you, little one?? Susan whispered.
I lay against her and remained silent. She waited several minutes, then softly repeated the question, kissing me gently on the forehead. I turned my face up to her and stared into the darkness. I stretched up my hand and ran my fingers over her face, as though I was blind and wanted to know her. I explored her features, her soft skin, her full lips, her strong cheeks. She seemed so much older and in control than me.
In that moment, she seemed much more my mother than my friend. I pulled my hand back to my mouth and sucked a finger. It was a very childish thing to do, but I was feeling very much the child. I listened to her heart and soaked up the warmth of our bodies huddled together under the blanket.
Very quietly, and showing no impatience whatsoever, Susie repeated a third time,? It helps to talk. I know. How are you feeling?? I still waited awhile longer before I finally stopped sucking my fingers and answered her question.
"I-I don't… I'm not sure. I think I'm going to be okay. I hope I never have to… have to…? I started sobbing. Doubt and fear and shame turned over inside me…
"Shhhh. Shhhh. Settle down. Here, hold me tight. Quiet.? She rubbed my shoulders to soothe the building tenseness.? You won't have to ever again. Once is too often as it is. I promise you, it will never happen again."
I said nothing, but lowered my head and listened to her heart, never wanting to leave her side.
"Susan?"
"Hmm?"
"I… I want you to promise me it won't happen again. Please?"
"I promise it will never happen again."
"No. That's not enough. Promise me it won't happen again."
Somehow, she knew what I meant. Lying there, cradling me in the total darkness, she knew exactly what I wanted. What I needed. Whispering so quietly that only a young girl wrapped tightly in her arms could hear her, she said:
"You will never be put through that horror again. You will never again suffer that humiliation. I make you my promise,? she paused and my heart pounded.? Abigail."
Abigail.
My name was Abigail. John Wyeth was gone, swept away by my ordeal, my new fragile emotions, my new body, my new reality. He stood on the other side of an abyss from which I would never, could never, cross back. I could look back on him, see him at a distance, even remember being him. But I wasn't him. Not anymore. And with a curiously comforting knowledge, I accepted that I didn't want to be him. John Wyeth was gone forever, and Abigail Wyeth had started her life. And I was Abigail Wyeth.
I whispered my name, hearing it from my own lips. At its sound, I found myself relaxing in her arms, even as I felt a thudding excitement in my chest at the sound of my new name. No, in my breast. My soft, lovely, feminine breast. For if there was ever any physical proof needed to verify the absolute certainty of who I was, that evidence was before me now, at that moment. I lay in the arms of a beautiful woman clad in only the bare essentials, as I no doubt was, and the stirrings I felt for her were of warmth, safety, sisterly familiarity, and the fervent wish she would be my best friend forever.
"Abigail,? I said again, in a low voice. I smiled at how easily the name rested on my ears. My smile slowly grew and spread to my heart. I felt a sense of completion.
I nodded, feeling sleepy. I had been put through the wringer, both by my new friends and by myself. A flutter of… no. I was tired, very tired. I wriggled down to my pillow, so Susie could lie down beside me or return to her bed. I was quietly happy when she snuggled down next to me and brought an arm over me.
"Good night, Abigail. Pleasant dreams.? She laid her head down, and I could feel her breath on the nape of my neck. Several minutes passed, and her breathing slowed and steadied, and she was asleep, her arm still around me, protecting me.
"Abigail,? I said, not quite stifling a yawn.? Yes. My name is Abigail."
It was morning when I woke up. Somehow the lighting in the room mimicked sunlight so perfectly that I was convinced it was morning, though it could have been the middle of the day, or even night, for any actual evidence. Regardless, whatever sleep I had gotten since falling asleep, I felt awake and lively.
Susie was still beside me, but had shifted in the night and no longer had her arm around me. That made it very easy to slip out of bed. I expected the floor to be cold, but it was nicely warm to my bare feet. I stood up and stretched. I didn't know if I would have any flashbacks like last…
The horror and shame came up. I shook my head and bent over. But I refused to surrender to it. It seemed less powerful, more fragile. A moment longer, and the feeling passed. There were going to be aftereffects, then.
I was shaken, but not badly. And I wasn't going to let it disrupt my day right from the beginning. I tried to think of something else. Looking around, I noticed Susie's bathrobe lying on the floor. A shower. Yes.
That would clear my head and keep me busy. It would also let Susie sleep in a little longer.
I slipped on her robe and was pleased that it fit fairly well, as bathrobes go. I wondered if my clothes had been brought in yet and decided to search. Right now, my earthly possessions were the clothes I had worn yesterday and the pajamas I had on now. I opened the first set of drawers on the wall opposite the foot of my bed and was rewarded on the first try. Several sets and changes lay neatly folded, waiting for me to select from. I chose a nice outfit that included a skirt that went nearly to the knee, proper underwear and a kind of, I don't know, aerobic suit thingy that would cover my torso and arms. I guess I'd have to learn the names of these things, and quick, too. I mentally crossed three-piece vested suit off my vocabulary and added aerobic suit thingy. I looked around for towels, then remembered the showers already had some. Gathering up my clothes, I left.
Or tried to leave. The door wouldn't open and I all but slammed into it. I was in a rush because I didn't need to use just the showers. Yet instead of fading away, the door stood resolutely in place. I reached out and touched it; it remained solid. Panic filled me as I realized I was their prisoner. They had no intention of ever letting me…
No! Knock it off, Abigail! You've a brain, so use it. I turned on the gray matter. Since I couldn't turn off my wild emotions I turned them down. Of course the door wasn't set to automatic; people like privacy. I remembered Susie knocking on Corporal Geher's door just yesterday, so this was probably in the same state. I looked around for a control panel and located it near the door? jamb", for lack of a better word, but less than a meter above the floor. That would make it an override in case of difficulty, which in turn meant the door was voice and/or proximity activated. Easy enough.
"Open, please,? I said as quietly as I could. Too quietly, for the door stayed put. I tried again, a little louder, and this time I saw a shimmer ripple through it. It remained opaque, but an investigating hand passed through with no resistance. I followed my hand into the hall.
The corridor was brightly lit with several people moving along it. Suddenly self-conscious, I ducked my head a little bit, staring at the floor. Holding my clothes tight to my chest, and hugging the right wall, I went along the short distance to the ladies room. I received several looks, but they were always accompanied with a smile. By the time I had passed the third such person, I was smiling shyly back at them. Still, the bathroom door was a welcomed goal.
I passed inside. Billows of steam rolled toward me as the momentary breach in the doorway tugged at it.
I started turning very red, and not from the heat, which felt glorious. I had gone from frying pan into the fire. I have no idea why I so shortsightedly thought it, but I had assumed the facilities would be empty.
Stupid assumption, knowing this was the only such facility in the entire complex. There were no fewer than ten women attending to their morning ablutions, laughing and talking animatedly amongst themselves.
Three of them, in the showers, were engaged in a loud song. Doors had come just a bit too far technologically. There had been no warning nor even the hint of sound until I had passed through.
And now it was too late. Even as I wondered if I could sneak out and come back at a quieter time, eyes started turning toward me. Eyes that looked on me and knew me for who I was and, much more embarrassing, what I had been. My heart started pounding, and I felt fear rousing itself. It began to… no.
I forced it down. I took a quick step back, stumbled over my feet, and fell on my backside. My face burning, I snatched up my clothes from where they'd fallen and stood up. I mumbled some apology and turned to go.
Someone took a firm yet friendly hold of my arm.
"Hi! My name's Sarah Grominski. I'm a private in enforcement Company A."
I turned back and looked at the woman. Only she wasn't much more than a girl. A big girl. A very big girl. She couldn't have been over twenty, but she was well muscled, though not too bulky, and had a strong upper body, which was pretty obvious as she only had a towel wrapped loosely around her waist.
Her face was strong and friendly, the features putting the stamp of authenticity on her ethnic surname. If ever I expected to see a cigar sticking out of a young lady's mouth, this would have been the one. But she was comely, too. To her I probably looked like a hothouse flower.
"Uh… hi. My name's… Abi… Abigail.? I flushed at the sudden attention. Even the singers had stopped and were looking at me.
"Well, Abi… Abigail, come on in!? She waved a strong yet feminine hand around at the others, all in various states of undress.? We're kinda informal here."
I couldn't help but laugh, caught myself, raising a hand to my mouth, then slowly relaxed. Sarah grinned from ear to ear, icebreaker extraordinaire.
And after that, it was wonderfully, joyfully, fantastically easy. I disappeared in the group and was accepted. They all got back to their conversations and laughter and noise. Several walked up to introduce themselves and get my name, which, it dawned on me, they obviously couldn't have known before now.
"Just dump your stuff on the counter and grab a shower before the Birthday Suit Trio use up all the hot water.? Sarah's open, blunt friendliness was refreshing and just what I needed. Between their openness, the promise of a hot shower, and the racy song revving up in the background, this didn't just break the ice, it shattered and melted it as though in a blast furnace.
I took Sarah's advice and dumped my stuff on a not-soaking part of the counter. I undressed and walked into the showers. The girls singing the song were obviously building up to a climax, for their voices were reaching shouts. It was a bawdy, lewd, and flat out earthy song that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. As a kid years-centuries-ago, I had always wondered what went on inside girls' locker rooms. If this were a sampling, it wasn't much different than boys' locker rooms. As I rubbed the shampoo into my hair, working it through the tresses, I felt even more at ease. Sarah had taken the showerhead beside me and was singing the final refrain. At the last line, the whole place chimed in, and what they lacked in talent they covered with enthusiasm. They finished, laughing loudly. Sarah grinned at me, looking a little surprised at my surprise.
"Not what you'd expect, huh?"
"Uh… no. Maybe a little more, um, reserved."
"Yeah, that's right, you're used to guys' rooms, aren't you?? She eyed me quickly and brazenly,?
Doesn't look like you'll be wandering in there anymore though, huh?? She laughed loudly, and several others gave a laugh as well.
I started stammering, and she guffawed. So help me, she guffawed. She slapped a soapy hand on my back, shattering three or four vertebrae.
"Well, maybe the research crowd's more your group. Company A's not too up on their manners. Right, ladies?? They proudly shouted their agreement.? But we're a lot more refined than the guys."
I finished coughing and started rinsing out my hair. She was probably using the word refined in the petroleum sense. The Birthday Suit Trio started another song. If it wasn't clear that this simply was the way they were, I'd be suspicious they were trying to embarrass me. I shut off the water regretfully and padded to the counter.
On the other hand, maybe they were trying to embarrass me. As I toweled off, the Birthday Suit Trio sang their next song, one that gave a vivid account of a young girl's first… um… tryst. By the time they had finished this one, everyone was singing the song at me. I can take a joke, and I enjoyed this one, though it didn't keep my face from turning red at the colorful description of her exploits. But I preferred to dish it out. I searched back through my head looking for just the right response. They finished and laughed, seeing what I'd do.
I took a seat on the counter, my towel wrapped tight, and sang them the song of the Scotsman, and what he wore under his kilt. My heart was racing again, and my voice had nowhere near the depth or volume I was used to. But I gave it a pretty credible effort nonetheless.
By the time I reached the third verse, where the two girls were sneaking up on the drunk, sleeping Scotsman to peek under his kilt, they were enjoying themselves immensely, and joining in on the rum-tum-tiddle-iddle-ah-de-o refrain. By the fourth verse, where they leave a pretty blue ribbon tied around their discovery before leaving, my audience was howling, waiting for the ending. And the fifth verse, which ends with the Scotsman answering nature's call and finding the neatly tied ribbon, had them hooting when I reached the last line:
"Ah, lad, I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"
I had to sing the ditty twice more before they'd let me finish dressing. By that time, they had memorized it and the group had started breaking up. Sarah lingered a bit, combing out my hair for me.
"You're all right, Abby! I figured you'd go nuts, getting messed up like this.? She tugged my hair to show what she meant.
"I wondered, too, Sarah. At first. But it's growing on me."
"And you're growing on us, girl. Real quick. I missed the cafeteria stunt, but they told me all about it. And when you showed up here, I couldn't resist giving you the treatment. Hope you don't mind."
"Mind?? I said incredulously,? Sarah, it was great! So many people were treating me like I was made of porcelain, I was about ready to scream. I liked it, but I needed something I could sink my teeth into. I guess it's the man in me."
"Nah. It ain't the man, Abby. You're all woman. It's you, man or woman, that's doing this. I've seen a buncha Cues, an' I'll kill for any of them, but so far, you're the most fun. We like that."
"We?"
"Yeah, enforcement. Each regiment, we're the Third, is divided into two main groups: Research and Enforcement. Research does the head work of finding Cues worth bringing back. By worth I mean, probably able to survive. They also do all the personal stuff with the Cues. Enforcement puts the bite into the outfit. We make the bio and punitive raids. And we work together, too. You're with Susie, ain't you?
? I nodded.? Man, that gal is smart. But she can be wicked cold, too. A top notch dog.? At my look, she broke off.? Yeah, well, let her tell you. But let me tell you, Abby, you're safe as can be when you're with Susie."
I stayed silent, thinking that over, while she finished my hair. By this time we were the only ones left of the original group, though several others had come in and out. I picked up my robe and other things and turned to Sarah.
"Thanks so much for the 'treatment', Sarah. I loved it."
"Hey, thanks to you, Abby! We learned a brand new song today. Just wait 'til the boys hear it.? She laughed at my blush.? I'll tell the girls to keep it quiet about whose it is, if they can. Catch ya later, Abby.
? She pushed my shoulder affectionately, knocking me back a half step, and left, singing the last verse.
Now that was an experience I thought to myself as I strolled back to my room. It had an immediate and terrific effect, however. This time I smiled cheerfully at everyone walking by, saying hi and introducing myself. One of the soldiers, a young man with a smooth face, even looked after me as we passed. And while I wasn't even remotely tempted to swish my skirt, I wasn't put off by him either.
I reached my door and it was still solid, meaning Susie was still asleep or wanted privacy. I was sure I could enter, though. I cleared my throat and asked for entrance. It remained solid, so I raised my voice a bit and repeated my request. It still remained solid. I was about to really put some volume into it when it came to me. Anyone could exit a room, but only specific voices could enter a room. And since we hadn't had much time since the IHAD… I… HAD… A surge of humiliation and… I clenched my teeth and made it pass. Susie had not yet had the opportunity to code my voice. So here I stood, locked outside of my own room.
I had a choice. Pound on the door or go to breakfast. A very unladylike and insistently growling gut voted for breakfast. Figuring only laundry personnel or perverts would pick up dirty underwear, I left my things by the door and strolled down the corridor to the mess. Loud and boisterous noises poured from the opening.
It was comfortably full, but still had some seating. First things first, my vocal stomach reminded me. I got in line and, as always, was quickly whisked to the front. Two of the men even bowed slightly, smiling. I smiled back and did a little curtsy. I then put the tray on the counter and made a very big mental note to myself that I was going to have to watch myself. I didn't want to give the wrong ideas, but judging from the dazed smiles on their faces, I was in danger of doing just that.
Cookie, as I had mentally dubbed Hill the chef, was serving up chow and tried to coax me into taking a mountain of eggs and potatoes. I'd learned my lesson, though, and, smiling sweetly at him, took a modest amount of each. I filled a cup with coffee, then put it back, remembering my last taste. I considered the hot chocolate, but settled with just juice.
I looked around for a place to sit and heard a shout. Turning, I saw Dr. Barrett waving at me, pointing to an empty seat opposite him. I walked over, and he stood while I seated myself. After I said my prayers, he nodded approvingly at my breakfast.
"Good. It's nice to see you eating. Though I'm a little surprised to see you up so early. Just a little.? He looked around.? Where's Corporal Lendler?"
"Sleeping. She was exhausted. I gave her quite a time last night, and I have a feeling she had stayed up the whole time, waiting for me to wake up from… from…? I stared off, feeling the… feeling the…
"Snap out of it, girl!"
I shook my head, and smiled weakly, wiping my sweaty palms against my skirt.? Sorry, Doctor. It's just that every time… every time…"
"Young lady!? He snapped, his voice barely raised. He waited until I met his gaze.? Don't worry. The aftereffects are unpleasant, and they do linger for several days, but they will pass. Just try to avoid thinking too much of… it."
I nodded.? I had noticed that, too. That's why it was so wonderful taking a shower with Company A. I didn't think I'd live at first, but… what's wrong, Doctor?"
He had set his coffee cup down sharply, clattering it on the table.? You showered with the Company A ladies?? he demanded. I nodded again.? So you were treated to the Birthday Suit Trio?? I smiled.?
I've never heard them, no man has to my knowledge, unless we count you. But I've heard of them.? He peered at me.? Are they as wicked as rumors say?"
I giggled and shoved some eggs into my mouth.? I've never heard the rumors. And since this seems to be a girl thing, I'll keep the rest to myself. Oh, and Doctor?? he looked up at my pointed tone.? Never count me as a man again."
He looked at me thoughtfully.? You'll do, girl. You'll do. I have never seen your like, and part of me never hopes to again. You're blowing all our past experiences with Cues right out of the system."
I shrugged.? I don't know about that, either. But I'm determined to make the best of this.? I stopped.?
That's not right. I'm not making the best of this. I'm enjoying who and what I am.? I smiled at him.? I have you to thank, Doctor. Again."
There probably wasn't a whole lot that could make this man blush, and I wasn't one of them. But he came close.
"You're welcome, young lady."
"Abigail."
"Susie gave you your name, then? Against tradition; she should have done it at the acceptance dinner.
Still, it's probably for the best. Abigail. Abigail.? He tried it out once or twice.? Yes, very good.? He looked at me.? You know, you look like an Abigail. And you look like you're wearing your name well."
"Thank you. That's because I am. Um, Doctor? Could you answer a few questions?"
"Certainly! When would you like to schedule an appointment? As I mentioned, I'm at your complete…"
"No, no,? I interrupted.? Not medical. Nor personal. Just fill-me-in type questions. I feel like I'm walking around in a vacuum."
"I can imagine,? he agreed grimly.? And I can also imagine it's a little frustrating, especially for the kind of person you are. All right, what do you want to know?"
"Going back to our conversation of three days ago. When I was still in Healer's Sleep. You had mentioned that while there was no legal recourse against me for being an illegal Cue, there was something I needed to worry about. What was that?"
"You've a very good memory, dear. I'll tell you. But first, I've a little shock for you. It wasn't three days ago, it was five. You've been out not half a day, but two and half."
"What?? I barely whispered.
"That's right. Two and a half days. Sixty hours. The longest by far. Susie will tell you why. She may even be able to justify it. I can't, so don't ask.
"Anyway, to answer your question. It's true, there is no legal recourse that anyone can take to reclaim a rescued ripe. While the process is illegal, and dangerous for all concerned, society has retained enough of its common sense to not seek redress against the innocent and unknowing ripe.
"Where society is sadly lacking in common sense, and decency, however, is in how it treats Cues in all other matters. The problem you have, Abigail, is that as a Cue, you have no legal status. None whatsoever."
"Meaning what, Doctor? I'm above the law? That doesn't make sense."
"Not above it. Outside it. You cannot commit a crime. You are not held accountable for anything you do."
"What? You're saying I could rob a bank and just walk off, scot-free?"
"A bank?"
"Yes. A depository of liquid assets."
"Ah. A physical location of hard collateral. Yes, I've heard of the concept, but I've never heard the word used in that context. 'Bank'. I'll need to remember that. Anyway, yes, it's true. But your legal status works both ways. Anyone could rob you, and not be held accountable. They could kill you, or far worse, and not be held accountable."
I wondered for a moment what could be worse than killing me. Then I thought of the interested looks of the two men in line, and I realized those things did exist. I shook my head, disbelieving.
"That makes no sense! What's the point of bringing back Cues if they are outside the law, open prey to anyone's whims?"
"That is the point, my dear. The ruling body, with a heavy interest in the continuation of ripes, could not bring action against Cues without badly damaging their own power base. So they took the matter to the extreme and chose not to bring any action, either for or against Cues. It is used as a deterrent for groups like ours. They hope to discourage us by offering a society not only hostile to Cues, but able to actually prey upon them."
"But it hasn't discouraged you."
"Of course it hasn't! We're not some group of idiots that thought it might be fun to do this for a while.
We're all under what amounts to a death penalty if caught. And we haven't been doing this for a few years; we've been at it for nearly two centuries in one form or another. As a result, we have many ways of introducing a young man or young woman such as yourself into society as a citizen, not a Cue."
It became clear. I nodded.? Of course! That's another reason for the age of the body! Like Susie hinted, I'm under legal age. In my time, that also meant that there were very few permanent records. I should imagine it would be easier to blend me into your society at this age than most other. Old enough to understand and adjust, yet still too young to matter from a legal standpoint."
"Excellent! I'm impressed! That's it exactly. Several months from now, we'll ease you into a surrogate family. At first, you'll be a friend who visits. Then over several more months, you'll be spoken about as a relative. Finally, we'll use our network of companies to? transfer? the father or mother to other employment on a different continent. At that point, you'll be introduced as the daughter, and you'll continue living with them until you either marry or reach legal age, which is twenty-five, by the way."
"I very much doubt I'll ever marry, Doctor. It just wouldn't be right."
He shrugged.? I can certainly understand your point of view, if not fully appreciate it. Still, time might change your mind. It would also make things easier for all concerned. Marriage is very highly regarded in our society, and your marriage to a young man of actual citizenship would also cement your own status.
But I'm most definitely not going to council marriage for status.
"In any event, during this entire process, we'll be carefully introducing facts about you into the main data pools. Not actual proof, mind you. That can be too easily detected. We'll put in threads; indicators that you are an actual citizen. Then, in a year or so, there will be an accident at one of the data pools and the lost information will need to be rebuilt by the government. It will find these indicators and 'rebuild' your birth, school and medical records, and suddenly, you'll have a firm identity."
I whistled.? It's my turn to be impressed. Very slick. You've made me feel a lot better, Doctor. Thank you. Looks like I'll have to sacrifice my name, though."
"Sorry, but yes, that's so. Abigail you keep. I'm afraid the Wyeth name will fade back into the oblivion we pulled it from."
I laughed.? You're waxing philosophic, Doctor. Oh well. It was a good name, and I shall miss it. But I've done without it for some wee bit already. I can't carry on the family name any longer anyway. So in the meantime, I stay here and do what? Laundry for four months?"
"Well, yes, at first. We'll get you out of that if we can find another, more skilled position, that you're qualified for. I rather expect we will, despite the significant gap. But we will find work for you to do."
"Suits me fine! I'm not going to keep my girlish figure if I just sit around and eat three meals a day. So it's the salt mines for me."
"That and training and orientation into your new world. When you are woven into our society's fabric, you'd be better off blending in smoothly. That's Susan's job for the next twelve to sixteen weeks."
"Somebody talking about me?? Susie walked up to our table, breakfast in hand. I turned and smiled at her. Dr. Barrett rose. I found it pleasantly surprising that the custom had returned. I nearly stood as well, then caught myself. It was men who did it for women.
"Yes, we were, Corporal. I was just about to tell Abigail how the next few months with you were going to be boring and painfully full of exercise."
"Now Doctor, that's not fair. I thought the medical profession approved of exercise."
"The medical profession approves of moderate exercise. Not aerobics and combat training that lead to dislocated shoulders, yours or the poor sap you're training."
"Just wait until your next session, Doc.? She laughed and sat next to me.? I see you've had your breakfast, Abigail. I also saw your things outside our door, so I suppose you've already cleaned up.
You've been busy."
"Yes. I wanted to let you sleep. You looked exhausted. So I took care of myself for a change. I hope you don't mind."
"Not at all. About time you started carrying your own weight. I'll still help out, though.? She munched on a roll.? So any problems?"
"Quite the opposite. I had a wonderful time with the A Company ladies."
She laughed again.? Which one was it? The A Company or the ladies?"
"They were very nice. Especially Sarah."
She looked at me, amazed.? Sarah Grominski was nice to you? I shouldn't be too surprised. Everyone seems to be. Score one for you, Abigail. You make it with Sarah, you make it with A company. Even the guys follow her lead."
"I'm surprised she's only a private, then."
"She's a private this week. By next week, she'll probably be a corporal. Again. Rank is important here, but the person in the uniform is more important."
"That's been my experience also. In my Company A of ancient times, rank was very relative. I told Sanchez-"
"Lieutenant Sanchez,? Susie corrected.
"Sorry. I told Lieutenant Sanchez that I was a corporal. That wasn't the truth. I didn't want to embarrass him, but I actually held a commission."
"Of major. Yes, we know that. You did seem to have a gift for advancement. From enlisted to major in four years is a rare accomplishment. Even for battlefield commissions."
I stared at Susie carefully, who looked right back at me.? Abigail, it was a long, long session we had.
Never forget that we know you now. It's important for you to know we know."
I nodded slowly, then got up to get some hot chocolate and compose my thoughts and myself. My life, then, had been laid open. It didn't seem possible, but there it was. I wondered if my military and NATech training against probing had proven of any value whatsoever. Probably not. I did take some consolation, however, despite the… despite… the… I clutched my stomach momentarily, working the knot loose. I did take some consolation. These were good people. Circumstances dictated that they also be hard, but they were above all good. And if I was still alive, I had their approval, conditional or otherwise.
I returned to the table, smiling. Seating myself next to Susie again, I pursued our conversation.
"So what else did you find out about me?"
"Er… if you'll excuse me, ladies? I have some routine checkups to conduct in about twenty minutes.? He stood with his tray.? If you need any more help, Abigail, medical or otherwise, please stop by.? With that he left. I watched him as he dropped off his tray, mounted the ramp, and disappeared down the corridor.
"Not too smart, Abigail."
"Huh?? I turned back to Susie.? How do you mean? Wasn't he involved with…"
"No, he wasn't,? she interrupted, probably to prevent a flashback.? Doctor Barrett vehemently disapproves of the IHAD. He hasn't attended or administered one for years."
"Oh. I should apologize. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings."
"Didn't mean to-? She stared at me.? You can be a ditz! He was much more concerned about your feelings than his. Results from IHADs aren't plastered all over the walls, or broadcast on the netly news.
WE ARE CURRENTLY RUNNING OVER 4,513 BROADCASTS IN 384 LANGUAGES FROM 6 DIFFERENT PLANETS AND SPACE STATIONS. PLEASE STATE YOUR PREFERENCE. SEARCHING… YES, CITIZEN, I AM HAPPY TO OFFER YOU 17 CURRENTLY RUNNING FINANCIAL STATUS REPORTS IN JAPANESE… YES, CITIZEN, I AM HAPPY TO OFFER YOU 145 CURRENTLY RUNNING JOHN WAYNE MOVIES IN 93 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES… YES, CITIZEN, I AM HAPPY TO OFFER YOU 61 CURRENTLY RUNNING LAUNCHING SCHEDULES IN ENGLISH, 46 INTERSTELLAR LAUNCH SCHEDULES AND 15 LOCAL… YES, CITIZEN, I AM HAPPY TO OFFER YOU 3 CURRENTLY RUNNING PROGRAMS INVOLVING 12TH CENTURY RELIGIOUS DEBATES, ONE ON HINDUISM AND TWO ON CHRISTIANITY… YES, CITIZEN, I AM
…Abigail? Hey! Abigail! Snap out of it!"
"Huh? Snap out of what?? Susie had me by the arms and was shaking me gently.? What's wrong? I'm fine."
"You blanked out on me for a few seconds."
"Sorry. That I… H… I… interrogation has left a pretty uncomfortable mark."
She sighed.? I know. I can't tell you how desperately sorry we are. And I'm sorry I was shaking you.
All Cues go through this for several days. Never this profound, though. Again, our fault. We kept you under way too long."
"Doctor Barrett had mentioned it was some sixty hours."
"Closer to forty-eight. But there was an additional twelve hours recovery time."
"He also mentioned the effects would wear off."
"And they will, too. I fear, however, they may be a little slower with you. Maybe we should stop by and see Doctor Barrett. Let him check you out."
"Uh, if it's just the same with you, Susie, I'd rather not. I've been jumping in and out of my clothes so much in the last few days, I'm thinking I should start charging people.? I laughed and polished off my cup of cocoa and pulled her to her feet.? C'mon! Let's hit the gym! I'm aching to get a workout!"
She seemed very happy with that, and we left the mess and headed back to our quarters to put on some sweats.
The gym, at the far end of the complex, was well outfitted and well used. Either because of Susie's reputation or my presence, we were able to get a section of mat fairly quickly. We started out with our stretching.
I was positively stunned at my flexibility! I stretched and bent in ways that I'd never even considered before. Even something as simple as the splits, standard exercise in any girl's workout, seemed incredible to me as I reached all the way to the floor. I stretched on the mat, legs pointing away from each other, face and hair on the floor, and thrilled at the feeling. Susie was just as excited.
"Good! That's wonderful, Abigail! You're in nice shape. Now let's try a little of this.? She brought one of my feet around and showed me how to place it flat along the back of my head. I felt as loose as cooked spaghetti. We continued for about ten minutes, then she helped me to my feet. I was flushed.
"Oh! That feels so good, Susie!? I was breathing hard, more from the delight of being so alive than the exertion.? What next?"
"Let's check your balance and coordination on the bars."
We walked over to a set of parallel bars, which were being used by a trio of women, who immediately surrendered them. I thanked them, and they hung around to watch.
I faced the higher bar and reached up. It was close to a meter beyond my outstretched fingertips. I jumped up and nearly touched it. I landed, trying to adjust for my different body weight and balance, and made a terrible botch of it. Susie put her hand down a boosted my to my feet. I smiled shyly.
"I suppose I have to think about how to land a little more."
"Wrong, Abigail. You've got to think less. Just let yourself be what you are."
"But my mind is still grappling with all the height differences!? I protested.? And things are heavier…"
"Yes. That's true. But remember the night you almost escaped? Didn't you say you looked in the mirror?
? I nodded.? And why didn't you realize then that you were a girl? Or even when you first woke up and looked at yourself?"
"I… I don't really know. It didn't seem necessary. It was like…"
"It was like you already knew, down inside, what you were. And that's exactly what it is. I'm sure it's no surprise to you that our minds work at many levels. Some we have control over. Others, we can exert control if we wish, but don't need to."
"Sure. Voluntary and involuntary responses. Walking is voluntary, breathing is involuntary."
"Yes. But there are many other layers to each of those two generalities, Abigail. It's our life to understand the mind as thoroughly as we can, to better bring back ripes.
"One of those layers is physical self-perception. When we transferred your mind into your body, we didn't move the brain. It's been dust for centuries. You've been thinking of your brain as part of your mind, which is wrong. You've got to think of your brain as part of your body, which it is. With physical self-perception, it is mainly how your brain and body perceive each other. Your mind is reactionary.
That's why you didn't realize your femininity at the outset: Your brain and body had always been female, and your mind simply followed your brain's lead."
"Then it would be the same with physical activity. Just accept what the rest of me has always known. I get it!"
Susie smiled.? It's not so much a matter of 'getting it' as just letting it. Now, let's try again. You jump for it, and if you miss, just land the way you'd expect to land."
I tried again and again I couldn't quite make it. But when I fell, I just got ready to land on my feet, and I did. Susie clapped and stepped up, this time lifting me effortlessly to the bar.
I'm no gymnast, so I didn't steal the show. A couple of pull ups, a few pull overs and some swinging was my entire routine. I dropped back down, a little tired but happy. The others applauded. I threw my arms back and gave a little bow.
Susie was happy, too.? Not bad for a first time!? She began rubbing my arms and shoulders.? How do you feel?"
"Great! A little achy, I suppose, but not much. What next?"
She laughed.? You do want to try a little of everything. All right, how about a little martial arts. You sounded like you were quite good."
I looked down, suddenly less than happy.? That was a long time ago. I don't mean six hundred years, either. I was a very different kind of person in the military, and not someone you'd really want to know."
"I already know what kind of person you were. You sounded like you were a dog. Lieutenant Sanchez did have you pegged right.? She shook her head in mock amazement.? Even Raul can be right on occasion."
"Susan, he was only partially right.? She looked sharply at my use of her formal name and the insistence in my voice.? And that IHAD!… IHAD probably wouldn't have revealed all that much more."
"Don't underestimate our procedures. Come, let's have a tussle. I'll warn you, though, I'm rough.? She assumed standard attack posture.
Space magically cleared for us, and we drew a crowd simultaneously. I backed up, holding my hands out.
"NO! Susie! Don't! I don't want to do this!"
She approached silently. I backed up further.
"Susie, I'm serious! This isn't like the showers a few days ago!"
"This is exactly like the showers. It's part of the healing. Part of the way you become you. Come on, Abigail! Defend yourself!? She made a quick kick, which I sidestepped. She tried several more times, and I dodged them, avoiding physical contact. I was scared. For her.
"Susie! NO!"
"Defend yourself!? she yelled a third time. And then I was flat on my back, head ringing. She had used a double attack with a single feint and had landed a foot on my neck.
I stared up from the floor at Susie. She had taken an aggressive position I recognized immediately. Her smile was gone, replaced with grim determination. There was no humor in her eyes. I felt a twinge of fear.
Again, fear for her.
Shakily, I got to my feet and brushed myself.? Uh, if you don't mind, let me start off a little less…
oooofff!? Her arm slipped around my gut, doubling me. She brought a fast moving foot through mine and down I went.
Without thinking, I rolled clear but remained on my hands and knees, crouching. Others had gathered around watching. I felt a touch on my shoulder and looked up into the eyes of a young man, sweaty from his workout.
"Listen. When Lendler's like that, you better take it seriously. She hurts people."
"Uh, thanks, uhhh…"
"Billy. Private Billy Henderson."
"Thanks, Billy. I'm Abigail."
"Hi, Abigail. No kidding, though. You're in for it. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. Just try to live through it."
"But I'm not sure…"
"Move!"
I rolled clear of her slashing kick, but couldn't quite dodge her chopping right hand. I felt a burning sensation on my cheek as I again rolled clear. I felt the old flavor wake up in me and knew I had to stop it quick.
"Look, Susie! Not yet! I don't know if I can control… Aaahh!? She closed quickly, unbelievably quickly. I spotted her technique this time, and blocked her side chop while skipping over her swaying leg.
I meant to bring my weight to bear on her anchor leg, but her side chop crushed my feeble strength and floored me. I landed hard. I let out a cry and then another as her foot caught me in the upper chest, giving me my first experience at female anatomy pain. Not as bad as male anatomy pain, but not pleasant, either. I landed back near Billy. I tried to rise, but he held me down.
"Just stay down, Abigail! Lendler's a little softer if you stay down. Believe me, I know."
"Thanks, Billy. But that's not how the game is played.? It was rising in me, and while part of me wanted to push it away, the rest welcomed it.? How old are you?"
"I'll be nineteen in May."
"Eighteen, huh? Still school age. All right, let me conduct today's class.? I raised my voice a little,? Get ready to intervene at a moment's notice, okay?? They nodded, probably thinking they'd have to intervene to stop me from bleeding to death. Me, I had different plans.
I stood up. I was helpless now to the beast and let it rouse itself. The beast was why I fought in Recon so long ago. Almost an alter ego, when it woke up, I stopped being John, now Abigail, Wyeth. My men had seen it many times, because I had to call on it frequently during the desert and mountain campaigns of the Kilimanjaro offensive of the Twenty-first Century war. It was a remoteness that took me. Everything else was a situation to be dealt with as quickly and brutally as possible. I didn't fight to win, I fought to survive. I hoped, I prayed, I wouldn't hurt Susie badly. But I knew I'd try to kill her.
It growled at me, demanding the situation. I coolly told it my assets and limitations. I glanced at my enemy and located her strengths and weakness. The beast selected my best attack for disabling prior to killing. I slapped my hands together, then went down to a crouch, my hands evenly splitting my body weight with my legs.
Susie came at me again. Her slicing left foot was aimed at my head, but I could tell it was a feint, that it would be her anchor foot, planted near my left hand, in about one second, and that the real attack was her trailing right leg, which would bury itself in my chest, a weak attack unless she wore a hardened boot.
The counterattack for my weight was obvious and clear. And far more effective.
I crouched further, as if to dodge her left foot. It planted at my left hand and I spun myself to the left, chopping my right hand into her plant, knocking it into her swinging right leg. She fell into a heap and I pounced on her in a second. With cold efficiency, I shot two stiff fingers down to gouge out her eye. She was able to block it, but I managed to break one of her fingers. I felt nothing, nor did I even recognize her. I saw the look of anger in her eyes, and the sheen of pain as the bone snapped.
She made to throw me off. But I was already vaulting free, which made her movement clumsy and ill-timed. She regained her center and twirled around quickly, but I had already anticipated that and put a foot to her head. Had I been my original size, it would have snapped her neck, killing her. But I still hadn't adjusted fully, so it only grazed her head, bloodying an ear. I looked at her eyes again and saw the anger, and the pain. And now I saw fear, and knew I had won. All that remained was to kill her. I had made the proper adjustments to my weight and had decided first to shatter her right kneecap, then crush her windpipe in the few seconds she would be debilitated by the pain. I went to my attack crouch, anticipating her defense, which she took.
"ENOUGH!? I heard Lt. Sanchez's voice cut through my coldness, striking a chord in my heart. I recognized him as an authority. I struggled with the beast and myself, trying to force an end. I prayed Susie made no attack. I could still kill her.
But it was over. I saw her relax, dropping her hands and leaving herself defenseless. It was a sight that settled me very quickly. I felt my own muscles ease and slacken. I sank entirely to my knees and covered my face with my hands. Hot tears came to the surface, and I was crying. I could have killed her.
Susie came to me, also crying. I pushed her away, angry.
"You idiot! I was going to kill you! Why did you do it? Why?"
"Because she was told to, young lady.? Lt. Sanchez stepped up to me, but made no effort to help me to my feet. He looked down at us.? Susan. I want both of you cleaned up and in my quarters in half an hour.? He turned on his heel and walked off.