As Daryl crept closer to the police officer, he felt the demon loosen its grip on his skull. The pain and pressure still bulged behind his eye, but now it was more of a dull ache than a series of excruciating jabs. With every breath of cold, crisp air, the pain faded even further and, at the same time, it almost seemed as if something were welling up within him. He felt as though his chest was as broad and firm as the trunk of a mighty oak and his arms were like thick branches capable of withstanding centuries of abuse from the elements. Even the scars, which he usually kept hidden beneath long sleeved shirts, felt as if they were shrinking away to the point that they were nothing more than scratches.
But it made sense, didn’t it? Mama had tried to teach him, ever since Daddy died, what it meant to be a man. A man had to be strong… the slash of a knife against bare flesh was nothing compared to what the world would do if it had half a chance. And a man had to be fearless. Only babies were afraid of the hidden things that might lurk in the darkness, of the unknown nightmares that slithered and crept in pools of shadow. But, most importantly, a man had to respect and care for his mother… even if what that mother demanded with the blood from his very veins.
As a child, he hadn’t understood. All he’d known was that the blade hurt, that his skin opened far too easily, and that the sight of his own blood leaking from his body made his head feel as if he’d spun around too quickly on the merry-go-round. He’d cried when Earl would hold him down and Mama leaned over him with what looked to be the biggest knife in the world. He’d squirmed and thrashed and begged to be let go: no Mama, please Mama, no, no, no….
But it never made any difference. For, he knew now, she’d been trying to teach him a lesson. The pain was simply a tool, a way to make sure that the wisdom she was trying to impart was seared into his young, impressionable mind. Without pain, someone had told him once, there can be no growth. And that was all Mama ever really wanted. For him to grow into a strong, fearless man. For him to dam the tears that had welled in his eyes and keep the snot from bubbling out his nose. To choke back the shrill screams that, as he’d been so often reminded, sounded like a little girl throwing a fit because her favorite dolly had been taken away.
Why had it been so hard for him to realize all of this? Why had he forced her to shove him into the closet and endured days in the darkness as he thought about his sins? He remembered huddling in the corner with the smell of piss and shit so thick in the confined space that he could taste it with every breath. Hearing the mice scuttling and scratching within the walls, feeling their rough, cold tails trail over his bare flesh as he shivered and tried to pull himself into as tiny of a ball as possible. Sometimes, when the blood was still fresh and they were exceptionally hungry, they’d nip at his open wounds and pull away jagged little pieces of flesh. They’d gnaw on his hair when he was curled on the floor asleep, would cover his body with tiny scratches as their feet scrambled over him.
And if it wasn’t the mice, then it was the roaches. Or the spiders. Or any of the thousand other creatures his mind imagined to be sharing a space that was as cramped and dark as a coffin stood on end. And all the while, Mama’s voice would whisper through the keyhole at random intervals.
“Worthless little piece of shit.”
“Sissy boy….”
“Can’t even bleed right.”
But all that now seemed like it’d happened to someone else. As if the real Daryl had been hidden away somewhere in the back of that frightened little boy’s mind, waiting for the day he could emerge and lay claim to the bruised and battered body. And all it would take was one swing of the tire iron for him to emerge victorious.
The cop had finally managed to slip the cuff around Earl’s other wrist and Daryl was close enough now to hear his labored breathing as the man gasped out lines he knew so well that he probably muttered them in his sleep.
“You have the right… to remain… silent.”
Daryl squeezed the cold metal in his hand and the solidity of the bar made him feel as strong and invincible as the giant in his dreams.
“Anything you say and… and will… be used against you in a court of law.”
His shadow fell over the officer’s back like a death shroud.
“You have the right to an attorney….”
So close that he could see the individual pores on the back of the man’s neck and catch the whiffs of cologne that wafted in the air. He saw the gold band encircling the man’s ring finger, the dark arches of dark crud trapped beneath his fingernails.
“If you cannot afford one…”
Daryl pulled the tire tool back like a tennis pro preparing to lob a ball over a net. As he did so, the arm of his shadow extended over the cop’s shoulder, silhouetting the raised weapon perfectly against the trampled blanket of white snow.
Moving so quickly that he was nothing more than a blur, the cop rolled to the left. At some point, his right hand dropped to his hip and he sprang into a crouch.
Face to face with the enemy, Daryl stood as if every muscle in his body had crystallized. He stared into two eyes that were like shattered chips of ice and, for some reason, noticed how flakes of snow clung to the stubble on the cop’s square chin.
“Drop it!”
Mostly, however, Daryl noticed the dark, wide bore of the pistol pointed directly at the center of his head.
“Drop it now!”
And there in the middle of a snow-covered road with pendulous clouds overhead, the Daryl who’d been struggling to emerge from the scarred trappings of his childhood died.