"I got it set," Remo shouted. "What the hell's wrong now?"
"Grrgle. Grrble. Drrble. Frgle."
Remo regarded it as an improvement over what Smith generally had to say.
"Grrgle. Frppp."
"Yes," Remo said. "In your hat."
"Grggle. Drbble."
"Yes. And put your foot in it. Up to your ankle."
"Brggle. Cringle."
"And your Aunt Millie too." Remo said sweetly.
Then Smith's voice broke in. "Remo. Are you there?" His voice was clear, but slightly brittle.
"Well, of course I'm here. Where else would I be?"
"Sorry. I had trouble with the device."
"Fire the inventor. Better yet, kill him. That's your answer to everything anyway. Now, as I was saying, about my vacation."
"Forget your vacation," Smith said. "Tell me about Devlin. What did he have to say?"
"That is about my vacation," Remo said. "You called me in to talk to him, when it's not a problem for us. It belongs to the CIA. So why the hell don't you give it to the CIA? Empire-building again?"
"No," said Smith, petulantly, wondering why he felt any need to explain anything to Remo who was, after all, only a hired hand. "The fact is that the CIA questioned Devlin three times. Three different agents. All three were killed. In fact, I was going to tell you to be careful."
"Thanks for telling me," Remo said.
"I figured it wouldn't matter," Smith said. "Now what did Devlin say?"
Remo recounted the story, the plan to assassinate the President of Scambia, to set the small nation up as a haven for the world's criminals, the implicating of the Vice President, Alibaba, or something…
"Asiphar," Smith interrupted.
"Yeah, Asiphar. Anyway, he's in it, but he's not the leader. Devlin didn't know the leader."
"When is it scheduled to happen?"
"In a week," Remo said. Deep inside his stomach, he felt that first small tinge that unfailingly told him of impending catastrophes, such as the necessity to postpone his vacation.
"Mmmmm," Smith mused. Then he was silent. Then "mmmmm" again.
"Don't bother telling me what 'mmmm' means. I know," Remo said.
"This is serious, Remo, very serious."
"Yeah? Why?"
"Have you ever heard of Baron Isaac Nemeroff?"
"Sure. I buy all my shirts from him."
Smith ignored him. "Nemeroff is probably the most dangerous criminal in the world today. He has a houseguest this week at his villa in Algeria."
"Do I get three guesses?"
"You don't need any," Smith said. "It's Vice President Asiphar of Scambia."
"So?" Remo said.
"So, that means, that Nemeroff is involved in this. Probably the man who started it. And that is very dangerous."
"All right. Assume everything you say is true," Remo lectured. "It's still a job for the CIA."
"Thank you for your lecture on policy," Smith sniffed. "Now let me tell you something. You seem to have forgotten our basic mission which is to fight crime. That effort will be seriously compromised if Nemeroff and Asiphar are allowed to make this Scambia a haven for criminals."
Remo paused. "So I'm elected?"
"You're elected."
"And what about my vacation?"
"Your vacation?" Smith said loudly. "All right, if you insist upon talking about it, let's discuss vacations. How many weeks a year do you think you're entitled to?"
"With my longevity, at least four," Remo said.
"All right. Where did you spend three weeks of last month?"
"In San Juan, but I was training," Remo said. "I've got to keep in shape."
"All right," Smith said. "But the four weeks you spent in Buenos Aires, in a damned chess tournament? That was training too, I suppose."
"Certainly, it was," Remo said indignantly. "I've got to keep my wits razor-sharp."
"Do you think it was sharp-witted to enter the tournament under the name of Paul Morphy?" Smith said coldly.
"It was the only way I could get a game with Fischer."
"Oh, yes, that game. You spotted him pawn and move, I believe," Smith said.
"Yeah, and I would have beat him too if I hadn't gotten careless and let him capture my queen on the sixth move," Remo said, annoyed to even have to remember the business in Buenos Aires, which had not been one of his brighter moments. "Look," he said hurriedly. "You're too upset now to talk about things like vacations. Suppose I do this job and then we'll talk about vacations? What do you say?"