Maybe I really had killed him, or someone else had. Maybe someone like Finn.
She was convinced that I was a monster, and I had nothing to argue that with. In my life, I had caused nothing but pain. I had ruined Matt’s life, and I was still. Not only did he constantly have to uproot himself for me and spend every minute worrying about me, but I was manipulating and controlling him, and I couldn’t say for sure how long that had been going on. I couldn’t fully understand the long-term effects of it either. Maybe he didn’t even really care for me. When I was very small, I could’ve used persuasion on him and convinced him that he needed to take care of me.
Maybe it would’ve been better if she had killed me when I was six. Or better yet, when I was still a baby. Then I wouldn’t have been able to hurt anybody.
When I finally went out to the waiting room, Matt rushed over to hug me. I stood there, but I didn’t hug him back. I felt bad for even taking it. He inspected me to make sure I was alright. He had heard there was some kind of scuffle and was petrified that something had happened to me. I just nodded and got out of there as fast as I could.
“So…” Matt began on the drive home. I rested my forehead against the cold glass of the car window and refused to look at him. I had barely even spoken since we left. “What did you say to her?”
“Things,” I replied vaguely.
“No, really,” he pressed. “What happened?”
“I tried talking to her, she got upset,” I sighed. “She said I was a monster. You know, the usual.”
“I don’t know why you even wanted to see her. She is a terrible person.”
“Oh, she’s not that bad.” My breath fogged up the window and I started drawing stars and hearts in the mist. “She’s really worried about you.
She’s afraid I’m going to hurt you.”
“Oh,” Matt scoffed. “That woman is insane! She obviously is since she lives there, but… You can’t listen to her, Wendy. You aren’t letting anything she said get to you, are you?”
“No,” I lied. Pulling my sleeve up over my hand, I erased my drawings on the window and sat up straighter. “How do you know?”
“What?”
“That she is insane. That… I’m not a monster.” I twisted nervously at my thumb ring and stared at Matt, who just shook his head. “I’m being serious.
What if I am bad?”
Matt suddenly put on his turning signal and pulled his car over to the shoulder. Rain pounded down on the windows as other cars sped by us on the freeway. He turned to face me completely, putting an arm on the back of his seat.
“Wendy Louella Everly, there is nothing bad about you. Nothing,” Matt emphasized solemnly. “That woman is completely insane. I don’t know why, but she was never a mother to you and you don’t need to worry about the things she says. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”
“Be serious, Matt,” I shook my head. “I’ve gotten expelled from every school I’ve ever gone to. I’m unruly and whiny and stubborn and so picky. I know that you and Maggie have to struggle with me all the time.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re bad. You’ve had a really traumatic childhood, and yeah, you’re still working through some things, but you are not bad,” Matt insisted. “You are a strong-willed teenager who isn’t afraid of anything. That’s all.”
“At some point that has to stop being an excuse! Sure she tried to kill me, but I have to take responsibility for who I am as a person.” What I was saying was true, and the painful knot in my stomach only seemed to grow larger.
“You are!” Matt actually smiled at that. “Since we’ve moved here, you have shown so much promise. Your grades are going up, and you’re making friends. And even if that makes me a little uncomfortable, I know it’s a good thing for you. You’re growing up, Wendy, and you’re going to be okay.”
“Okay,” I nodded, unable to think of an argument for that.
“I know I don’t say it enough, but I’m proud of you, and I love you.”
Matt pushed a strand of hair behind my ear and bent over so he could kiss the top of my head. It was something he hadn’t done since I was little, and it stirred something inside me. I closed my eyes and refused to cry. He straightened back up in his seat and looked at me seriously. “Okay? Are you okay now?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I forced a smile at him.
“Good.” He pulled back out in traffic, continuing the drive home.
My heart squeezed painfully in my chest, but I had no idea what to do.
It was after midnight when I was certain they had both fallen asleep. I lay in bed for a long time, pretending to be asleep myself, and debating about what to do.
On one hand, I knew that Matt would be devastated if I left, and I knew nothing about Finn or where he would take me. On the other hand, I was destroying Matt’s life, and I had never fit in anywhere in my life. What had finally pushed me over the edge was the conviction thath Matt had when said he loved me and that I wasn’t bad. The truth was that I didn’t know if I was bad or not. I didn’t really know what I was capable of, and maybe I had killed Michael the way Kim kept insisting. And Matt deserved something more than that. He needed a life of his own that wasn’t burdened by me constantly.
I packed a small bag, grabbing just the essentials. Some clothes, underwear, etc. I thought about leaving a note for Matt, but I didn’t know what I could possibly say. “Sorry, Matt, I’m not your real sister. I’m actually a troll, and I’m going to discover my family. Best of luck.” Grabbing Finn’s note out of my pants pocket, I climbed out my window and prepared to shimmy down the tree like Finn had the other day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t anywhere near as graceful as he was, and I fell to the ground. Thankfully, I wasn’t seriously injured.
Finn only lived a few blocks away from me, but I should’ve guessed that. He was supposed to be keeping an eye on me and all. It was the upstairs apartment in a large house, and his Cadillac in the driveway assured me it was his place. The front door looked just like an ordinary house, and I felt weird just walking inside. His note claimed that once inside, I would find a separate staircase that led me up, but it was strange walking into an unknown house.
Right inside the doorway, there were doors on either side, leading to two separate downstairs apartments, and a vast staircase leading up, and I slowly climbed up.
Chewing my lip, I knocked tentatively on his apartment door. It was very late, and I wasn’t sure if he would be up or if he was home. Then something else dawned me. I wasn’t even sure if he lived alone. Maybe he had family or a roommate or worse - a girlfriend - living with him. My stomach twisted and just when I had convinced myself that I should leave, Finn opened the door.
His hair was messy, and he was wearing a white tee shirt and plaid pajama pants. He still sported that unshaven look that made him look devilishly handsome. It was odd because it hadn’t really occurred to me that he would sleep. I mean, obviously he would, but once he’d confessed to me that he was a Trylle tracker, I had kind of assumed that he would forgo sleep to keep a 24hour watch on me.
“Sorry to wake you,” I apologized sheepishly, and then gestured to the steps behind me. “I can go if-”
“No, no!” Finn took a step back and opened the door wider. “Come in.
Please.”
“Sorry,” I repeated sneaking in past him. He smelled delicious, even in his sleep, and I was starting to wonder if that was just his natural scent and not cologne.
His apartment was large and spacious, and it looked fairly expensive, but he had done nothing with it. The living room had a couch and a table with a few books stacked on it. The kitchen had nothing at all in the way of furniture, and I couldn’t see the bedroom or bathroom from where I was at, but I imagined they were similarly decorated.
“There’s no need to be sorry.” He motioned to the couch. “Have a seat. Do you need anything? I can get you water or something.”
“No, I’m okay.” I sat on the couch and set my bag on the floor by my feet. Finn was still standing, studying me. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Finn nodded.
“Am I a monster?” My voice cracked embarrassingly.
“What do you mean?” Confused, he sat down on the coffee table across from me.
“I mean… am I a monster?” I stared down at my hands. “Is that what it means to be Trylle?”
“Do you think I’m a monster?” Finn countered reasonably.
I looked up into his dark eyes. Sometimes, he seemed cold and cruel, but I didn’t think that was even who really was. Something about being a tracker made him more in control of himself, making him indifferent and stoic.
But it had never occurred to me that he was a monster. A wave of comfort rolled over me. Even I was bad, I wasn’t inherently so. It wasn’t built into my DNA because I was Trylle.