And then there he was, a-loorning: Mr Hugo Rune. 'Oh!' I went and 'Wah!' also.
Mr Rune was gazing down upon me. 'I will not ask if you are all right,' he said, 'for clearly you are not. What has occurred here, Master Rizla?'
'Lord Jeffrey,' I went. 'He froze, then he shattered. Did I get any of him on my suit?' And I napped and patted myself.
'Lord Jeffrey?' Mr Rune cocked his head to one side. 'What precisely has occurred?'
I did blinkings of the eyes. I felt rather poorly and gaped up at Mr Rune. And also at those who stood with him, a-gazing down at me. The Fifth Earl was there, looking most suspicious. And the lovely Kelly. And Fangio, too, though he was not wearing his turban. 'Is that a fez?' I asked him.
'No,' said Mr Rune and he raised a fat finger. 'Before you commence with the talking of toot, speak to me and tell me what transpired.' And he placed a drink in my hand, for somehow I no longer had my own.
'I was here,' I said, 'in this library, with Lord Jeffrey Primark. And he was ranting on about him, The Man, the Foredown Man, he said, who was going to kill him and everyone else. And all manner of other stuff about Great Old Ones and Minds Outside Of Time and this house being built upon a Celtic burial ground.' The Fifth Earl made groaning sounds when I mentioned this. 'And then the room became impossibly cold and he froze and this lead pipe swung down and-'
'Ah,' said Mr Rune. 'Have to stop you there. You did say lead pipe, didn't you?' 'Yes, I did,' I said. 'It swung down and-'
Mr Rune raised his stout stick to me. 'Buffoon,' he said. 'Colonel Mustard, was it?' 'That is what I think,' I said. 'And the corpse?'
'Well, it is…' And I beheld. And there was no corpse. Indeed, no trace whatsoever of a corpse, which there most surely would have been had one been there, because for one thing the room was now at room temperature* again, * I've always puzzled over that one: a wine that is best served at room temperature. Surely a room is always at room temperature, no matter how hot or cold it might be. Or is it just me? and the frozen fragments would have thawed into gooey gobbets.
And the stains they make can be a right blighter to get out of a carpet, even if you use white wine (at room temperature, probably), salt, or even molasses, which in my opinion is a very poor choice, but you know what it is like when you are very drunk indeed. 'Not funny,' said Mr Rune. 'Not funny at all.'
'I am not trying to be funny,' I complained and I dragged myself up from my chair. 'He was here and then he was dead. I did not make any of this up. And there was a length of grey lead pipe involved. Really, truly there was.'
Mr Rune stared me squarely in the eyes. 'I do believe you are telling me the truth,' said he. 'Lord Jeffrey Primark, did you say?'
'I did,' I said. 'And Fange saw him. He introduced him to me.' 'Did you?' Mr Rune asked Fangio. And Fangio shook his Stetson. 'You did,' I said. 'You liar.'
'I never did.' Fangio took off his topper and fanned at himself with it.
'In the drinkies tent,' I said. 'You were serving behind the bar.'
'I never was.' Fangio replaced his bowler hat upon his head. 'I only just got here.' 'You must have seen him,' I said to Kelly. But Kelly shook her head.
'What is going on here?' I said. 'You are lying, Fange, I know that you are.'
'I'm not,' said Fange, and, pointing to his homburg, 'as sure as I'm wearing this trilby, I'm not.'
'Rizla,' said Mr Rune, 'will you please follow me? Excuse me, gentlemen, lady,' and he raised his beret to Kelly.
And then he led me from the library and back to the entrance hall. And there he halted next to a big, grand family portrait. 'Is that Lord Jeffrey?' he asked.
And I looked up at the portrait. 'That is him,' I said. 'He was wearing the same outfit and everything. He must just have had this portrait painted.'
'Regrettably, no,' said Mr Rune, 'although I was present when he sat for Richard Dadd. This portrait was painted in eighteen fifty-one, shortly before the death of his lordship.' 'A ghost?' I said. 'You are telling me that I saw a ghost?'
'Something more than a mere ghost,' said Mr Rune. 'We are dealing with dark and sinister forces here. It is fortunate that my reputation for dealing with such matters is well known to members of the aristocracy.'
'And there was me thinking that skinflints as they are, they were merely attracted by the "cheap rates" advertised on your flyers.' 'Plah!' went Hugo Rune.
And we returned to the library. It was a rather crowded library now, for it had started to rain and the gilded youth had come in from the garden. There were not as many as there had been; I assumed that the rest had gone home. Fangio was pulling bunnies from his hat to entertain those who remained. The hat was an old deerstalker; the bunnies wore no hats at all. There was a bit of a hubbub going on, which stilled at Mr Rune's approach.
'Ladies and gentlemen,' said he, 'I must crave your indulgence. Something untoward has occurred. I am going to have to ask that nobody leave this room.' This got a bit of hubbub going once again.
'Excuse me,' said the Honourable Nigel Fairborough-Countless, 'but I have an appointment with my accountant in half an hour.'
'And I've a bun in the oven,' said Lord Edward Marzipan-Fudge. 'And I've a dog that won't walk itself,' said Lord Burberry Spaniel-Fondler. 'And I didn't get a mention earlier,' said Lord'These pressing appointments must be put aside,' said Mr Rune. 'There is Devilish work abroad in this house and I mean to get to its bottom.'
'Perhaps I can help you there,' said Lord Lucas Lapp-Dancer. 'Saw that one coming,' said I.
'Well, I have to go to the little boys' room,' said Lord Michael Kiddee-Phidler. 'I am sorry that I did not see that one coming,' I said. 'Hurry, then,' said Mr Rune to Lord Michael. And his lordship left the room.
'Chap,' said Lord Henry Myle-Hie to Mr Rune, 'this Devilish work that you speak of – would you care to enlighten us regarding its nature?' 'Presently,' said Mr Rune. And then there came a flash and a great almighty crash.
'Weather's taken a turn for the worse,' said Lord Edward, closing the French windows. 'Devilish storm, to be certain.' 'It is only the beginning,' said Hugo Rune.
And then we heard the scream. It was loud and it was shrill and it was scary. It made all the hairs stand up on the back of my neck – the ones I had been thinking of shaving off, but could not really see the point as they could not actually be seen, what with my hair having grown pretty long at the back, in the fashionable mode of the times.
'Rizla, come, the rest of you stay here.' Mr Rune whispered words to Fangio and then marched out of the room. I followed him at the hurry on and down the hall and up the stairs we went. I followed Hugo Rune to the little boys' room and we stood before the door. 'You may not like what you see,' said Hugo Rune. 'Avocado suite, do you think?' I said. And Mr Rune pushed open the door.
I must confess that I did not at all like what I saw. There was no avocado suite involved in my disliking. The bathroom was in tasteful white, somewhat spoiled for me, however, by the large amount of tasteless red, all scattered and splattered and running. 'Don't look,' said Mr Rune. But I did. And I saw him – well, the little of him that I could see. This 'little' being his ankles and feet protruding from the toilet.
'This is bad,' said Mr Rune and he shook his great baldy head.
'Very bad,' said I. 'He had no time at all to build up his part before this happened.'
'Hardly a suitable moment for such flippancy,' said Mr Rune. 'I do so agree,' I said. 'Aaaagh! Help! Police! Murder!'
Mr Rune clamped a large hand over my mouth. 'Control yourself,' he ordered. 'You are no good to me otherwise.'
I detached his oversized mitt from my unlaughing gear. 'I do not want to be any good,' I said. 'Let us get out of here, and quickly.' 'Rizla, this is no time to panic' 'Trust me,' I said, 'there will be no better time than this.' 'We must return to the library.' 'We must return to Grand Parade. Call the police.'
Mr Rune shook his head. Firmly. 'This is not a job for Inspector Hector,' said he. 'This is a job for Hugo Rune.'
And so we returned to the library. And once inside, Mr Rune closed the door, turned the key in the lock and took himself over to the drinks cabinet, where he poured for himself something large.
The gilt was coming off the gilded youth. They sat about in attitudes of dejection, nervously toying with glasses and looking very edgy and uncertain.
'Lord Michael Kiddee-Phidler is no more,' said Mr Rune. Which did not seem to ease the situation.
Although it certainly roused them from their seats. They rose as one and made as two to the main door and the French windows where they got all sort of scrunched up together, the room door and the French windows being locked.
'Sit down!' ordered Mr Rune. 'Such unseemly behaviour is for the lower orders, not for such as you.' The room door was being kicked and several panes of glass went out of the French windows, but neither shifted. 'Sit!' ordered Mr Rune. 'If you would live, then sit.' It was a cowering, giltless bunch of youth that slunk back to their seats.
'What is going on here?' Lord Edward demanded to be told.
'All right,' said Mr Rune, 'I will tell you. My companion here witnessed, in a vision, the destruction of Lord Jeffrey Primark earlier this afternoon. All of you here are descendants of Lord Jeffrey; and so all of you will probably know that he vanished in eighteen fifty-one, upon the second day of the Great Exhibition. It was believed that he was murdered. But he was not. Although he was interred – I know, because I was there at his interment.' This remark caused a certain ripple among the giltless youth.
'Trust to what he says,' I said. 'I have seen things that you people would not believe.' Which rang a bell somewhere.
'Thank you, Rizla,' said Mr Rune. 'Lord Jeffrey dabbled in certain unspeakable arts.'
'Nothing wrong with that,' said Lord Lucas Lapp-Dancer. 'We've all done that – it's the duty of the aristocracy to behave as badly as we can get away with. It's expected of us. It's a tradition, or an old charter, or something.'
'Time,' said Mr Rune. 'Always time. All of this is to do with time.'
'We do have to take time to behave badly,' agreed Lord Lapp-Dancer, 'but we have plenty of time on our hands. That's one of the benefits of being rich.'
'And also your downfall,' said Mr Rune. 'It was Lord Jeffrey's downfall. He sought to travel into the future. He discussed it with me many times and I advised strongly against it, but he was adamant and would not be shaken. As I wished for no harm to come to him, I offered my assistance in return for a small pecuniary sum. Together we built a cryogenic chamber and packed it with Arctic ice, shipped in by Fortnum and Mason. Lord Jeffrey was placed into a trance state by myself, as I am skilled in such matters, then placed in the chamber, which in turn was placed in a secret place, a safe place where it could lie undisturbed until more than a hundred years had passed. Certain details were lodged in a safety-deposit box, to be opened by his heirs upon a certain date, disclosing the whereabouts of the cryogenic chamber and the means by which Lord Jeffrey was to be defrosted.'
Lightning flashed and thunder roared and rain thrashed down outside.
'He could not make up this stuff, could he?' I whispered to Fangio.
'I could,' said the barlord. 'Do you think this bobble hat suits me?'
'But,' continued Mr Rune, 'there is always the matter of the soul, of the existence of the soul. A man's body might remain alive, in suspended animation, for more than one hundred years. But what of his soul? Might this perhaps detach itself from its host and go a-wandering?'
'Is he speculating here?' whispered Fangio, diddling with his hardhat.
'I would not care to speculate,' I whispered back. "The brim's too big on your sombrero, by the way.'
'And if the soul wandered,' said Mr Rune, 'while the sleeper slept, and then returned at length to find the body destroyed – shattered, perhaps, by a length of lead pipe -what then of the wandering soul?'
'Wouldn't it go to Heaven?' asked Kelly, which I thought a reasonable question to ask.
'Would it?' said Mr Rune. 'In the matter of a normal death, I would assume that this would be the case. But the destruction of Lord Jeffrey's body when his soul had already detached itself – surely these are somewhat unusual circumstances.'
"This is all twaddle,' cried Lord Henry Myle-Hie. 'Perhaps Lord Jeffrey did have himself frozen up, and perhaps you were there at that freezing up, but all this soul stuff is simply speculation.'
Fange made a knowing face at me, but I could not see much of it under his snap-brimmed snood.
'Speculation?' said Mr Rune. 'Then I would like to test a proposition. Would you kindly take yourself over to the fireplace?'
'The fireplace?' Lord Myle-Hie flustered and blustered. 'I don't understand.'
'Indulge me,' said Mr Rune. 'Let me test the substance of my supposed speculation. And you, too, young lady,' he said to Kelly. 'If you would be so kind as to stand beside him.' Kelly shrugged and wandered over to the fireplace.
'Quite mad,' said Lord Henry Myle-Hie. But he took himself, also as requested, to the fireplace. 'Satisfied?' he asked.
'Take a step back, please,' said Mr Rune. 'Mind the brass companion set, which is missing the tongs, I notice.'
'As you please.' Lord Henry took a step back, as did Kelly. 'Now are you satisfied?' asked Lord Myle-Hie.
And then there was a sudden whoosh and a lot of soot as well that billowed out into the room. And then there was a scream and a lot of muffled banging about. And then the soot sort of setded and Lord Henry Myle-Hie was gone. 'I'm satisfied now,' said Hugo Rune.
'What? What?' and 'Scream! Scream!' went most of those present. And I include myself amongst their number. And I flapped, too, I can tell you.
'A most troubled spirit,' said Mr Rune. 'I wonder who will be next?'
Perhaps they were not the best-chosen words, for they prompted another all-as-two rush towards the doors. And this time the French windows burst out and several giltless with them. And I confess that I turned away my face as out in the storm-lashed garden something murderous happened. Those on the threshold of the French windows drew themselves back in horror. Shrinking down and cringing became suddenly all the rage.
'Eight more there, by my reckoning,' said Mr Rune. 'What price my speculations now?'
The Honourable Nigel Fairborough-Countless fell wringing his hands at Mr Rune's feet. 'Save us,' he wailed. 'Save me. I will make it worth your while – I'm heir to the Countless millions.' 'A tempting offer,' said Mr Rune.
'Save me' whined Lord Edward Marzipan-Fudge. 'I'll set you up with doughnuts for life.'
'If it's dogs you want,' begged Lord Burberry Spaniel-Fondler, 'I can get you really big ones – the size of a fully grown pig, some of them.'
'I don't know your sexual proclivities,' fawned Lord Lucas Lapp-Dancer, 'but name your chosen fancy and it's yours.' 'All most tempting offers,' said Mr Rune. 'I would not bother with the dog,' I said.
'I'll take the dog,' said Fange, 'and Mister Rune, if you'll see your way clear to protecting me from being sucked up the chimney, your credit will always be good at The Conjuror's Hat. We're a stage-magicians'-headwear theme bar today.' 'At last an explanation for that,' I said. Fangio raised his flat cap to me.
Hugo Rune took a head-count. 'Just nine left,' he said, 'including myself. This is a sorry business. What think you of it?' And he turned to face the Fifth Earl.
'I think this is a disaster,' the Fifth Earl replied. 'I called you here because of the outbreak of petty thievery.'
'And my special low rates for members of the aristocracy,' said Mr Rune.
'Well, naturally that. But as for all this – do something, Rune. That's what I'm paying you for.' 'I do not recall that we discussed terms.' 'Name your price. Just save us from this horror.' 'You know what I want,' said Mr Rune. 'I don't.' And the Fifth Earl shook his head.
'You do,' said Mr Rune, 'and I will have it, too. Lord Jeffrey will have it and so will I.' 'You're mad!' cried the Fifth Earl. 'As mad as he was.'
'He was not mad,' said Mr Rune. 'He was a noble man and he was my friend. He was perhaps misguided, foolish – reckless, even, but he was brave and he was true.' 'I have money,' said the Fifth Earl. 'I have cash.'
'I'll take what cash you have,' said Mr Rune, 'if you give it willingly.' 'I do.' And the Fifth Earl dragged out his wallet.
I helped myself to a drink from the drinks cabinet, and I studied Mr Rune as I did so. I should be able to reason this out, I thought to myself. I am sure that all the clues are here, but I am also sure there is something missing. And it is all to do with 'You know what I want. And I will have it, too. Lord Jeffrey will have it and so will I. But what, I wondered very hard, was if? It was not money, I was sure of that.
The contents of the Fifth Earl's wallet were now in Hugo Rune's possession.
'I made my offer first,' said the Honourable Nigel. 'Don't forget the Countless millions I have coming to me.'
'I fear that, regrettably, you will not be here to collect them,' said Mr Rune. 'Look out, behind you. Zulus – thousands of them.' The Honourable Nigel covered his head and fled. Through the open French windows, as it happened. And out into'Aaaaaaagh!' went the voice of the Honourable Nigel. And then there was just more rain. And lightning and thunder.
'You did that on purpose.' The Fifth Earl raised his fists at Mr Rune. 'You know what I want,' said Mr Rune.
I counted the heads. We still had the Lords Edward, Burberry and maybe Lord Lucas. It is difficult to remember and they all looked very much the same. And there was the beautiful Kelly, too, but she was not aristocracy. And there was me and there was Fange, and we were just commoners, of course. And there was the Fifth Earl. And there was Mr Hugo Rune.
And I really, truly should have been able to figure this thing out.
I poured another drink and took it over to Kelly. She looked all dishevelled and a bit sweaty, too. And God, is that not sexy with women?
'This is a very bad business,' I whispered to her as I handed her the drink (a triple). 'I truly do not know whether we are going to get out of it alive.' Kelly said nothing.
And so I continued, 'You are a very beautiful woman,' I said, surveying her beautiful frontage. 'In fact, you are the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen. And I am sorry I offended you earlier. But as it does not seem likely that we will get out of this alive, could you see your way clear to giving me a-' And I whispered. And damn me if she did not punch me once again.
'Time is running out,' said Mr Rune to the Fifth Earl. 'Will you give me what I want, what Lord Jeffrey wants, or not?'
'You can go to Hell,' cried the Fifth Earl, 'and Lord Jeffrey, too.'
'I think that he's already been there,' said Mr Rune, 'which is why he knows so much torment. He has seen the Burrowers beneath, experienced the horrors of the Great Old Ones, the Worlds Between, the Minds Outside Of Time. And now he wants what I want.'
And I do not know why I did not see it coming. Probably because, although rubbing at my grazed jaw, I was still most drawn to Kelly's beautiful frontage. But if I had been paying more attention to other people's body language and so on, I would have noticed the way that the remaining lords and the Fifth Earl had been gathering themselves about Mr Rune in a manner that can only be described as menacing.
And so when they fell upon him in a most violent manner, I was not close enough to offer my support.
'Out with him!' cried the Fifth Earl. 'Offer him up in sacrifice. It's the only way to save ourselves.'
And they had him. And I suppose that in desperation weight is no object. You hear stories of little women lifting cars off their trapped loved ones. I have read of several in the Weekly World News. These lords had Mr Rune off his feet in moments and over to the French windows and out.
And lightning flashed and thunder roared and I was somewhat horrified. 'You b*st*rds!' I cried.
'Don't try to fool us by putting on an upper-class accent,' said the Fifth Earl. 'You're next. Get him, boys.'
Now, I was impressed by Fangio. He brought down Lord Burberry with a neat rugby tackle. And Kelly put up a struggle, too, and clocked the Fifth Earl a really decent one in his mouth.
And as for myself, well, I do pride myself that when faced with a violent confrontation, I do know how to handle myself and And suddenly I was very wet. And Fange was wet and Kelly, she was wet, too. And she looked good very wet, I can tell you.
And suddenly something burst past us. It burst through the open French windows and into the library and hideous bloody business occurred, which happily I did not see. I just lay in the rain with my eyes closed. Beside Kelly and Fange.
And Mr Rune, who stood in the storm and grinned down upon me. 'That all went rather well, don't you think?' said he. We took shelter from the storm in the drinkies tent. I did not fancy the library. Fangio took his place behind the bar and served us with drinkies. 'Is it over?' I asked Mr Rune. 'Are we safe?'
'It is over' said he. 'It is done. We are safe. This case is concluded.'
'Concluded?' I said. 'There are at least a dozen dead. That is not what I would call "concluded". Or perhaps I have some misunderstanding as to what the word "concluded" means.' 'It means that the soul of Lord Jeffrey is now at peace.'
'That is pleasing to my ears,' I said, 'but what of the souls of those murdered?'
'They will be judged,' said Mr Rune, and he swallowed booze.
'I tried really hard,' I said, 'to figure it out, but I could not. Will you please explain? Please.'
'A case of murder,' said Mr Rune, 'murder, plain and simple: the murder of Lord Jeffrey Primark, which you observed, his frozen body shattered by a length of lead pipe. Although not in the library, but rather in the catacombs beneath these lands of the Primaries, which were once the site of an ancient Celtic burial ground. I interred him down there myself. He may have been foolish, Lord Primark, but he was no fool when it came to finance. He made many investments before he was interred, investments that would ensure that when he was resuscitated he would be a fabulously wealthy man. I put my name as signatory to several of them. As I mentioned earlier, the details of how he should be resuscitated lay in a safety-deposit box, awaiting the given time when they should be read by his descendants – all those who were gathered together in the library. But greed overcame them. They determined that the fortune should be theirs and chose not to resuscitate Lord Jeffrey. Instead, they followed the directions given in the papers that were in the safety-deposit box, which led them to the vault beneath the library where he lay frozen, and there they murdered him. They took a solemn vow that none would betray the other and that they would split the wealth between them. Then they took up the length of lead pipe – all put a hand upon it – and then they shattered Lord Jeffrey's frozen body.' "The b*st*rds!' said Fange.
'Posh accent,' said Mr Rune. 'But that is what they did. They could have had no knowledge, of course, that his lordship's soul was not inside his body, for such metaphysical matters are beyond the ken of such fellows. And so they could have had no knowledge that this soul would seek revenge upon those who had destroyed its bodily host. The Foredown Man, young Rizla, as in Forefather, down below.'
'Far out,' I said, in the popular parlance of the day. 'And so it took its revenge upon all of them?'
'A bloody and terrible revenge. Who knows what torments that wandering soul has suffered? I pray that it truly suffers no more.'
'Very far out,' I said. 'But I have one question. You said to the Fifth Earl that he knew what you wanted, and that you wanted what Lord Jeffrey wanted. What was that?'
'Simply justice,' said Mr Rune. 'Nothing more. Take this.' And he handed something to me.
It was a badge. And on it were printed the Scales of Justice. I pinned the badge to my sodden lapel. 'Time, gentlemen, please,' said Fangio.