'I do so hate it when that happens,' said Hugo Rune.
'Aagh!' I went. And, 'Wah!' and, 'I have got one-legged man all over my nice new coat.'
'Spontaneous human combustion,' said Mr Rune, viewing the epicentre of the explosion and the large scorch mark it had made on the carpet.
'The brewery won't like this,' said Fange. 'But then the pub is closing down today.' 'Uniped,' I said. 'Charred bits of uniped all over my coat.'
'White wine will take that out,' said Fange, 'or salt, although I wouldn't advise molasses.' 'Suggestive,' said Mr Rune. 'No, it's not,' said Fangio.
'I am definitely going back to our rooms,' I said, 'and this coat is going straight to the dry cleaners.'
Mr Rune was up on his feet now, examining the carpet. 'His timber limb survived with only minor charring,' said he, 'which is also suggestive.'
'I do not like it here,' I said, 'what with the cries of the damned and the exploding unipeds. This is not a nice neighbourhood.'
'You've never been to Whitehawk, then,' said Fangio. 'But who's going to clear up this mess?'
'I have formed my conclusions,' said Mr Rune. 'The case is solved.'
'Well, phone for Inspector Hector and he can arrest the transgressor,' said I.
'Good word, that,' said Fange. 'I've a radio with those in it. Made valves completely obsolete, which is a shame because I've been hoarding thousands in case there was ever a world shortage.'
'The transgressor,' said Mr Rune, 'is hot one who can be arrested, not by any normal law-enforcement agency, anyway. Come on, Rizla, all the clues are here. It's glaringly obvious what's going on.' I sighed deeply. 'All the clues?' I said. 'All the clues,' said Mr Rune.
'And the solution does not involve some piece of esoteric knowledge known only to yourself?'
'Not on this occasion, no. Perhaps a tiny bit, but this should not stand in your way. Think about what you have seen here, what you have experienced, what you have heard and not heard. Does not an explanation spring immediately to your mind?'
Now, I thought hard about this. I finished my beer and when I had done so I ordered another of same. 'All the clues are here?' I said. 'All of them?' 'All around you,' said Mr Rune. 'And I really should be able to reason it all out?' 'If you are half the fellow that I believe you to be.' 'Can I have a go at this?' asked Fange. 'No,' I told him. 'You cannot.' 'Suit yourself,' said Fange, somewhat huffily, I thought.
I did further rackings of the brain. 'All right,' 1 said to Mr Rune. 'Missing cats, missing indigenous wildlife, in fact. All gone. Then those terrible sounds that we heard. Then a one-legged man rushing into the bar and exploding. And all these things are connected?'
'All connected,' said Hugo Rune. 'All part of the big equation.'
'And the transgressor is not one that can be brought to book by members of the Sussex constabulary?'
'Absolutely not,' said Hugo Rune and he shook his big bald head. 'One thing,' I said. 'If I can come up with the answer, will you pay for my dry-cleaning?' 'Gladly,' said Hugo Rune. 'Damn,' I said. 'Then it really must be a poser.' 'I have to hand it to you blokes,' said Fangio. 'A one-legged fellow explodes all over us and you take it as cool as can be.' 'I am upset,' I said. 'Look at my coat.'
'I think I may have had an accident,' said Fangio. 'I'm going to the bog.'
And off he went. And upon his departure, Mr Rune stepped around to the back of the bar and helped himself to a bottle of Scotch. 'It will aid your cogitation,' he explained.
'I am cogitating as hard as I can,' I said, 'but pour a measure into my pint – I am sure it will help me a bit.'
And he did and I drank and I did cogitations. 'All right, I am baffled,' I said.
'The single leg is significant,' said Mr Rune. 'Don't give up just yet.'
I thought and thought and thought some more. And then I said, 'I have it.' 'You do?' said Mr Rune.
'I do,' said I. 'And we are going to require some assistance.' 'Good,' said Mr Rune. 'Who do you suggest?'
'I suggest that we call upon the services of Captain Bartholomew Moulsecoomb, the Bog Troll Buccaneer.'
'Not to mention his scurvy crew of pirates,' said Mr Rune.
But I mentioned them anyway. 'What do you think?' I said.
'We'll see where it leads,' said Mr Rune. 'So far you've earned a cleaned sleeve.' We sat and we drank and presently Fangio returned from his excursion, complaining that he had taken so long because he could not find the bog, there being so many hundreds of different doors downstairs. Mr Rune asked if he might use the telephone and Fangio said that he might. As no complimentary chewing fat or peanuts were available, I ate low-fat crisps and the antipasto (whatever that was) and I carried on with my cogitations, because they were far from complete. But I mentioned in passing to Fange that I had solved the case. And at a little after three of the afternoon clock the bar door burst open once again, this time to admit the blustering passage of the swarthy Captain Bartholomew Moulsecoomb, not to mention his scurvy crew of pirates.
'What-ho, me hearties,' cried Mr Rune, in the vernacular. *We had to hire a minibus to get up here,' said the Bog Troll Buccaneer, 'so we'll be wanting plenty of bounty. Where be the gold doubloons?'
Mr Rune glanced over in my direction. 'Would you care to tell him?' he enquired. 'The hoards of Atlantis?' I suggested. 'Good answer,' said Mr Rune.
'Will it be rum all round, lads?' asked Fangio, yo-ho-hoing as he did so. 'It will,' said the captain. 'It will.' 'And shall I put it on Mister Rune's tab?'
'Or I'll slit your gullet from ear to ear,' said the captain, heartily.
'I still quite fancy taking to a life of piracy,' I said to Fange, 'although I am presently torn between that and becoming a cinema proprietor.'
Fangio drew me to him in the manner known as conspiratorial. 'How do you think it will go for you,' he asked, 'when Mister Rune and all the now-assembled pirates discover that you really don't have the foggiest idea as to what is going on hereabouts?'
'Not altogether well,' I replied, 'but having recently solved, all on my own, the most complex case of the Woodingdean Chameleon, this will be a veritable walk in Preston Park, as it were.'
Fangio made sniggering sounds, which I felt to be inappropriate. 'Pirates have a habit of turning ugly,' he said. 'Well, uglier. They'll probably eat you. Having jolly rogered you first, of course.' 4I feel the solution corning on,' I said.
'Ooh, Matron,' said Fange. 'Oh, excuse me, that's tomorrow. Now, if you want my opinion in this case-'
'I do not,' I told him, as he took to passing out measures of rum. 'I can do this all on my own, with no help from anyone.'
'Have a word with yourself,' said Fangio. 'I'd try and leg it if I were you.' And then I had an idea.
I called out to Mr Rune, who stood chatting with a pirate called David who had once been in a pop band, but later, having fallen upon hard times, had been reduced to running a hot-dog van on the seafront. They were discussing the relative merits of being keel-hauled and being flogged around the fleet.
'Mister Rune,' I called, 'might I have a look at that wooden leg?' 'Captain Bartholomew is wearing it.' 'But he has two good legs of his own.' 'He's wearing it on his head.'
'It's a pirate thing,' said Captain Bart, handing the timber limb to me.
'Just one question,' I said to Mr Rune. 'Would I be correct in assuming that if I were to run a Geiger counter over this wooden leg, it would buzz away like an angry bluebottle?'
Mr Rune placed a large hand upon my shoulder. 'Young Rizla,' said he, 'you have excelled yourself. Would you care to explain how you came by this reasoning?'
'I would,' I said. And then I looked at my wristwatch. 'But if I am correct, then my explanation will have to wait because-'
And it came again, that terrible cacophony – the barking and growling and screeching and, in the case of the rabbits, a sort of snuffling sound.
Hands rose up to ears all around. One-handed Harry the bosun's mate nearly had his eye out with his hook.
And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the dreadful din all dimmed away and quietness descended.
'What in the name of plunder was that?' asked Captain Bart. 'Last time I heard a row like that was when we laid waste to a pet shop in Pevensey Bay.'
'Would you care to explain, young Rizla? Take us through it a step at a time.' Mr Rune smiled upon me and I smiled back upon him.
'Right,' I said, and I preened at my Astrakhan collar. Which was sadly still rather sticky. 'I saw what you saw, yes? And heard what you heard. We walked around the area and I recall those light industries upon the trading estate -carpenters' shops, shipwrights, refiners of animal feeds and earth-moving-equipment manufacturers, not to mention the nuclear processing plant.' 'The-' said Captain Bart. 'Best not to,' said Fangio.
'All those,' I said to Mr Rune, 'suggestive in themselves. Then all the local pets and wildlife gone. Then this pub and the shape of this pub, like a child's drawing of a house. And the fact that it is closing today. Then the noises of the animals, at regular intervals – four-hour intervals, I believe. And of course, the exploding seaman.' 'Ooh, Matron,' said Fange. 'No, excuse me. Sorry.'
'Oh, yes,' I said. 'And Fangio said that he had trouble finding the toilet because there are hundreds of doors downstairs.'
'I did say that,' said Fangio, 'so I must take my share of the credit for solving this case.'
'Shut up,' I told him. 'And,' I continued, 'and the other stuff before we even left our rooms this morning: the signs and portents in the heavens, prophecies that the world is about to end, and mutant doves.' 'All becomes clear,' said Fangio. 'You are kidding me, right?' I said. 'I am,' said Fangio.
'Well, it all seems obvious to me,' I said. 'I can think of only one logical explanation.' Mr Rune held his breath and I saw him cross his fingers. 'Why are you doing that?' I asked.
'Because,' said he, 'either you have arrived at the obvious explanation or you are about to say something really, really stupid.'
I beckoned Mr Rune and he inclined his big bald head towards me. I whispered one word into his ear. And Mr Rune said, 'Splendid.' 'Am I right?' I said to him. 'You are,' he said. 'You are. Although I have just one question for you now.' 'Go on,' I said.
'I feel absolutely convinced that you have only just arrived at your conclusion, so why did you have me call up Captain Bartholomew several hours ago?'
I shrugged. Guiltily. 'I just like being around pirates,' I said.
Cutlasses were drawn at this, and words were voiced that I should be made to walk the plank. Having been jolly rogered most thoroughly first.
'Hold there, me hearties,' said Mr Rune. 'There'll be rich pickings in this for all of you.'
The pirates made surly sounds and did some flindock rattling.
'Trust to what he says,' said Captain Bart. 'If Admiral Rune says there'll be rich pickings, then rich them pickings will be.' 'Admiral Rune?' I rolled my eyes. 'So, young Rizla,' said Admiral Rune, 'would you care to tell us of your plan?' 'My plan?' I said. 'For how we shall best the transgressor:
'Storm him,' I said, 'with cutlasses and flintlocks and possibly whatnots as well.'
'They are manufactured locally,' said Fangio, 'tor the Ministry of Furniture.' 'Storm him?' said Mr Rune thoughtfully. 'You believe this to be a wise course of action, considering the rate of the exploding seaman?'
'Well,' I said, 'there are bound to be casualties. Probably even fatalities. But that cannot be helped.'
My words were not, perhaps, as well chosen as they might have been. Cutlasses were drawn once more and some young pirate with cowboy leanings suggested throwing a hangman's rope over a high pub beam.
'Drinks all round. On me,' cried Mr Rune. 'And a word in your ear, in private.' And he took hold of my ear and dragged me from the bar. And out into the ice-bound street beyond. 'Do you have a death wish?' he enquired.
'Definitely not,' I said. 'Which is why I will be keeping a safe distance when we send the pirates storming in.' Mr Rune raised his stout stick and I flinched. 'It is cold out here,' I said. 'Can we go back inside?'
'Would you care,' asked Mr Rune, 'for me to direct operations from now on?' 'Well…' I said.
He mimed the throwing of a rope over a beam, accompanied by a series of pelvic thrusts suggestive of…
'I will leave it to you,' I said, 'although I do want to take some credit, because I did figure it out on my own.' 'I'll pay your dry-cleaning bill,' said Mr Rune. And we returned to the bar.
The pirates were now looking more than just surly. Positively mutinous, they looked.
'I am taking charge of the situation,' announced Mr Rune. 'I will be personally directing operations. There will be no loss of life. And you will all prosper greatly, I promise you.' The pirates grunted and grumbled. One said, 'We'll throw in our hands with you, Admiral Rune, but only if we know the score.' 'Explain to them, Rizla,' said Mr Rune. 'We'll hear it from you,' said the pirate to Mr Rune. Hugo Rune smiled and nodded. 'It's simplicity itself,' he said. 'My companion and I were called to this area to investigate the disappearance of a great number of domestic animals. Many, if not all, other animals local to the district have similarly disappeared. Why should this be? you might well ask yourselves. Well, my companion offered you most of the clues: ominous signs and portents in the heavens; prophecies that the world is about to end, and of course the mutant doves. Considering also the nature of the light industries on the trading estate and that the regular screaming of animals is only to be heard here, the solution is obvious.' Heads shook. Fangio shrugged. 'Ark,' said Hugo Rune. 'Ark at what?' asked Captain Bart. 'Ark of Noah!' said Hugo Rune. 'Where?' went the captain.
'Right here,' said the All-Knowing One. 'You are standing in the wheelhouse.' 'Oh,' went the pirates. And, 'Coo.' And, 'Fancy that.' 'The regular screamings?' asked Fangio..
'Feeding time,' said Mr Rune, 'for the animals. The animals below, behind those hundreds of doors.' 'It all makes perfect sense when it's explained,' said Fange. 'It does,' said Mr Rune. 'Except for the mutant doves and the exploding seaman.'
'Nuclear power,' said Mr Rune. 'The Ark is powered by a nuclear reactor. Noah had doves on board, if you recall. So did our transgressor. The doves were located somewhat too close to the nuclear pile before they escaped.' 'And the seaman?'
'He reached critical mass,' Mr Rune explained. 'Overexposure to the nuclear pile combined with subzero temperatures outside caused a metabolic sub-shift due to the transperambulation of pseudo-cosmic anti-matter.'
'Oh yeah,' said a pirate called Phil. 'Happened to a mate of mine.' 'And there you have it,' said Mr Rune. 'Right,' said Captain Bart. 'There we have it, do we? Some nutter thinking that the world is coming to an end has built a subterranean ark, of which this is the wheelhouse, and stocked it up with all the local animals.'
'And considerable booty, which is yours for the taking,' said Mr Rune. Which caused the pirates to cheer.
'No,' said Captain Bart. 'Don't cheer. This ark is buried in the ground beneath us. How is it going to float away should the flood waters rise, which frankly they are unlikely so to do?'
'It isn't going to float,' said Mr Rune. 'It's going to tunnel down, to escape not the rising waters but rather the supposedly falling comet.'
'Fair enough,' said the captain. 'Whatever the case, it's damnably stupid. Lead us to this nutter, Admiral Rune, and we'll slit his throat and share the booty round.' 'I don't think that would be a good idea.'
Now Mr Rune never uttered these words. And nor, in fact, did I. But I recognised the voice and turned, as others did, to view the figure standing in the doorway.
He was a considerable figure, tall and gaunt and all in black. Black leather hat, black leather coat, black leather boots, black leather gloves as well. He wore a long black beard that was not of leather and stared at us with jet-black eyes that glittered in cavernous sockets.
'We meet again, Mister Rune,' said he, stepping forward, a black gun in his hand.
'We do indeed,' said Hugo Rune. And he even bowed slightly as he said it. 'Captain Bartholomew, allow me to introduce to you Count Otto Black, captain of the nuclear-powered subterranean ark The Really Small Atlantean.'