'Your servant, sir,' said Count Otto Black, and he tipped his black hat to the captain.
Mr Rune took a single step forward. Count Otto pointed his pistol. 'Easy, Mister Rune,' said he.
I noticed that Mr Rune had a very firm hold upon his stout stick and I wondered where I should hide.
'You must have fallen upon very hard times, Mister Rune,' said Count Otto in a mocking tone, 'if you are reduced to hunting for lost dogs and lost pussycats.' And he laughed that mad laugh that mad-laughers always laugh.
'Not a bit of it,' said Mr Rune. 'I discerned your unwashed hand in this from the very outset.'
'Bluff and bluster,' said Black. 'It's always the same with you.'
'On the contrary,' said Mr Rune. 'The difference between you and me is twofold. Firstly I am good and you are evil.' 'And secondly?' asked the Count. 'I know how your mind works.'
'Then pray enlighten me. And do make it interesting, or I will be forced to shoot you dead out of boredom alone.'
'This craft,' said Mr Rune, 'was not built by a present-day Noah to escape a biblical catastrophe, aka, the fall to Earth of a comet. Rather, it was built as an escape craft. And one, I have no doubt, that you have been working on for years.'
'Only months,' said the Count. 'I work very hard, unlike yourself.'
'Quite so. But it is an escape craft nonetheless, to enable you to escape from the mayhem you intend to cause once you have availed yourself of the Chronovision. Which you will never do as long as I have breath in my body.'
The evil Count Otto clapped his hands, but did not lower his pistol. 'You are indeed correct,' said he, 'although don't go wasting your time attempting to pat yourself on the back. Not that you could, you great fat oaf.'
I flinched somewhat at that remark. And Mr Rune did hairless bristlings.
'Just one thing,' said the All-Knowing One. 'The name of this craft – The Really Small Atlantean – that's a rather foolish name for an ark.'
'I had no wish to give myself away,' said the Count. 'Naturally I have another name for it.'
'I know that you do' said Mr Rune. 'In fact, I know what it is.' 'Absurd,' said Black. 'Of course you do not.' 'On the contrary,' said Mr Rune once again. 'Your name for it is The Bevendean Bat: 'What?' went Count Otto. 'What?' And, 'What? went I also.
'Or to give it its full tide, The Bevendean Bathyscaphe, the suburban submersible.'
'Impressive,' said Black. 'But no matter.' And he stalked across to the bar, elbowing pirates to the right and left of him, lifted the counter flap, ejected Fangio and installed himself behind the bar proper.
'The drinks are on you?' asked Hugo Rune. 'Did I win the champagne?'
'No,' said Black. 'The show is over.' And he reached beneath the counter and drew up a small microphone. 'Mister Mate,' he shouted into it. 'Take us below.'
'Below?' said Mr Rune and he laughed. 'You surely do not believe that this ludicrous contraption is actually going to work?'
'Oh, it will work,' crowed Black, 'and you will die, and I'll feed your flesh to the pussycats. Villains always have pussycats. They do like a pussy to stroke.' 'Do not say it,' I warned Fangio.
'You are somewhat outnumbered,' said Mr Rune. 'I'm not exactly certain how this particular fact has escaped your notice.'
'Outnumbered?' said Black, and he laughed once more in that manner that mad-laughers laugh. 'By these pirates here?' The pirates growled and rattled their weaponry.
'Who will be the first, then?' asked Count Otto. 'The first to attack me and be shot dead? Any takers?' None were immediately forthcoming.
'Or perhaps you would care to throw in your lot with me, sign on for a share of riches beyond your wildest dreams. Any takers for that?' 'Well…' went certain pirates. Most of them, in feet. 'Notoriously mutinous,' said Mr Rune.
'Pirates do have a habit of switching their allegiance at the offer of pecuniary advancement,' said Count Otto Black. 'I'll pay one thousand pounds cash to any man who will join me.'
There suddenly came a rumbling, as of mighty engines beneath.
'Hurry now,' said Count Otto Black. 'We are going below. Who will take the Count's shilling, as it were?'
'I'll sail with you, mister,' said the pirate called David who had once been a pop star, but later had fallen upon hard times and now ran a hot-dog stall.
'Me, too,' said Phil, whose mate had once reached critical mass.
And so said this fellow, and so said that fellow, and suddenly all were cheering.
'What a bunch of traitors,' I whispered to myself. 'I am definitely going for the cinema-proprietor option. Should I come out of this alive.'
And then I felt that sinking feeling. As one does as one starts to sink.
'Going down!' cried Count Otto Black. 'Basement sale. Guru meat on special offer.' And he pointed his gun at Mr Rune and squeezed upon the trigger.
But he never got to fire that gun, although he really wanted to. Because, and I am very proud of this, I did not let him do it.
I was still clutching the wooden leg of the exploded seaman. And this I swung, as hard as I could, at the head of Count Otto Black. And it caught that blighter a thunderous blow and knocked him from his feet. 'Out!' cried Mr Rune. 'All out.'
And we ran from that sinking ship. We ran for the door. Oh, how we ran indeed.
And we threw ourselves through the door and out into the icy cold as The Really Small Atlantean – or The Bevendean Bathyscaphe – sank its way down into the ground, leaving only a gaping hole to signify its passage. 'Bravo, my friend, said Mr Rune, a-patting me on the back. 'You did splendidly. I'll even pay for the dry cleaning of your topper.' 'Yeah,' said Fange. 'You done good, kid.'
I looked at Fange. I looked at Mr Rune. 'The pirates stayed with him,' I said. 'Notoriously mutinous,' said Mr Rune.
'And he got away. He got away and he took our pirates with him.'
'Things might have gone better,' admitted Mr Rune, 'but let us not be discouraged.'
'I'm discouraged,' said Fangio. 'My coat was in there. I'm freezing out here.'
'I am discouraged, too,' I said. 'That is a formidable craft that the Count now has at his disposal.'
'Perhaps,' said Mr Rune. 'But if the exploding uniped was anything to go by, I personally would not wish to spend too much time beneath ground level aboard it.'
I shrugged and sighed. 'It is going to be a long and cold walk home,' I said.
'Walk?' said Mr Rune. 'I think not. See there – surely that is the minibus that the pirates hired to convey them here. It will take but a moment for you to hotwire that vehicle.' 'Hotwire?' I said. 'I do not know how to hotwire a van.'
Mr Rune tapped at his nose. "Then I will instruct you,' he said. 'You will need something metallic to place across the terminals. This will do, I think.' And Mr Rune handed a badge to me. 'I had intended to give it you before we set out,' he said, 'but I thought it might influence your reasoning.' I looked at the badge, and printed upon it was… 'Noah's Ark,' I said.