And then I awoke with a cough and a croak in a rather cosy bed.
I did blinkings and gaspings and gaggjngs and chokings, and then I did lookings around. 'Where am I?' I asked. 'And how did I get here?'
A smiling face smiled down upon me. It was a smiling face I knew. 'You are in Brentford Cottage Hospital,' it said.
'Omally,' I said to this smiling face, this bright and smiling teenaged face. 'John Omally, it is you.' 'And it's yourself, too, Jim Pooley, you silly bugger.'
'Yes,' I said. And I drew in breath. 'Jim Pooley, that is me. I am Jim.'
'You're Jim, all right,' said John and he patted me upon the shoulder. 'And I can't take my eyes off you for an evening, can I?'
'Can you not?' I asked. 'Can I have a glass of water?' I continued. 'I'd have thought you'd had enough of water.' John decanted a glass from the jug upon the bedside table, helped me into a seated position, which involved some plumpings-up of pillows, and handed me the glass. 'If I hadn't misplaced those tickets to see The Who,' said John to me, 'that Enid Earles would never have gone down to Brighton with you.' 'Enid Earles,' I said. 'Yes, I remember.' 'And what happened to her?'
'She played me false, John,' I said. 'But no, wait. What of Mr Rune? Is Mr Rune all right?' 'Mister Rune? And who would this Mister Rune be?'
'Hugo Rune,' I said, 'the Perfect Master, the Cosmic Dick, the Hokus Bloke himself. He reinvented the ocarina, you know.'
'Never heard of the fellow,' said John. 'How is the water?' 'It tastes like-' 'It is,' said John. 'It's vodka.' 'Well, thank you very much.'
'You had me worried there.' John patted my shoulder once again. 'You're my bestest friend. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. You need me to protect you. One night away and you're-' 'One nightV 1 said. 'Pour me another of these, if you will.'
'I will not,' said John. 'You are still clearly in your cups. Did you fall off the pier in your drunkenness? Was that it?'
'Er, yes,' said I. 'That was it. But that was a year ago, John, when it happened the first time. When I went down to Brighton with Enid Earles. You will not believe the adventures I have had since then. But they are all true, believe me.'
'Jim,' said John to me, 'Jim,' and there was a certain tone to his voice. 'Jim, you have been away for a single night. No more, no less. You left for Brighton yesterday, which was Friday, Saint Valentine's Day and you have been returned to Brentford in an ambulance today, which is Saturday. Not a year, Jim, a single day. That is all.' 'No,' I said. 'It cannot be. I was gone for a whole year. Where are my clothes? You will see. Boleskine tweed – Mr Rune acquired them for me.'
'There is no Rune,' said John. 'And no tweeds, Boleskin or otherwise – you were in your undies when they pulled you ashore, the tidal currents had your kit off.' 'No,' I said. 'No.' 'Yes,' said John. 'Yes.'
'But I was there with him. I had adventures, incredible adventures, for an entire year. The Brighton Zodiac. The Brightonomicon. Count Otto Black.'
John Omally shook his head. 'Delirium, Jim. Dreams. You went yesterday, you're back today. Between you and me,' and John did 'talkings from behind his hand', 'I'd let this one drop if I were you, or you might end up in the psychiatric ward for a prolonged stay.' 'But I-' John mimed the wearing of a straitjacket. And very well he mimed it too. And then he took my glass from me, poured further vodka into it and drank it himself. 'Just a single day?' I said. 'You can check the calendar if you want.' 'Just a single day, really?'
'And a single day was quite enough for you. Next time you plan a weekend in Brighton, I'm coming with you.' 'I will not go there again,' I said. 'Ever.'
'Good man,' said John. 'Now, do you think you can find your feet?' 'They are at the end of my legs.'
'Do you think you could persuade them to leave your bed and accompany me down to The Flying Swan for a lunchtime drink?' 'I am a sick man,' I said. 'I am not well.'
'The first round will be on me, to toast your safe return. And the second also – how's that?' 'I do not have any clothes,' I said.
'I've brought you some of mine,' said John. 'Well, not actually mine, they were the daddy's. And they're tweeds, as it happens. Get yourself togged up and I'll meet you outside.' And with that John departed. And I lay back in my hospital bed.
'It was all a dream,' I said to myself. 'Well, that is an original end to an adventure, if ever there was one. You wake up and find that it was all a dream. Well, Mister Rune, my dreamtime companion, if I ever do write the book of our adventures together, I will know how to end it, with a twist in the tail that no one will be expecting – that it was all a dream.'
And with that I rose from my bed and got dressed and left the cottage hospital. And made off with Omally to The Flying Swan.