I’m with the blurry people again and I can see dark clouds in the sky that flash with lightning like a storm’s on the way. I know there’s wind and I used to like the way it felt blowin’ through my hair and stuff, but for some reason this wind makes my skin hurt. It’s almost like there’s invisible acid in the air and it burns and stings and hurts so bad that I wanna scream but can’t. So I just keep walkin’ but even the bottoms of my feet hurt with every step and I just wanna sit down for a while until the pain goes away but for some reason I just can’t. So I just keep walkin’ with the other people.
But something’s different now. Everyone else seems to want to just keep going straight ahead, but I feel like something from the woods is pullin’ me. I don’t wanna walk toward the storm clouds in the distance and I don’t wanna stay with the others. I wanna split off and go into the trees, I wanna go toward whatever is drawing me and not stop ’til I’m there.
There was this one time that Mommy had a little piece of metal and she put it on top a sheet of paper. Then she took a magnet in her other hand and held it underneath. Wherever she’d move the magnet, the piece of metal on top would follow and that’s exactly how I feel: like there’s this giant magnet under the ground and every time it moves it pulls me along after it.
Once the blurry people see me headin’ off into the woods though, they kinda stop for a moment and then start followin’. I wonder if they feel it too or, if for some reason, they think I might actually know where I’m goin’?
The wind is blowin’ harder now and it makes my skin hurt so bad that even my teeth feel like they’ve been cracked into a million bits. But I still can’t scream and I still can’t cry and all I can do is just keep walkin’ and it’s not fair, I shouldn’t be feelin’ like this, it should be him not me. I never did nothin’ to deserve this… all I ever wanted was to stay with my mommy in our little apartment and color and play baseball when I got old enough. He should be the one in all this pain, he should be the one hurtin’ so bad that all he wants to do is just lay down and die. Not me….
I’m back in the room with Mr. Carl and the lady now but the pain is still kinda there. Just not as bad. The lady keeps lookin’ from me to Mr. Carl and then back to me again and I can tell she’s thinkin’ ’bout somethin’ but she’s not sayin’ nothin’ so I don’t know what. But she looks so sad that it makes me start feeling lonely and kinda lost inside, if that makes any sense. Something about the look in her eyes makes me think about Mommy and I just wish she was still here, that she would hug me and kiss me and tell me it had all been a bad dream and then ask if maybe I wanted some cocoa.
But I know that’s not gonna happen. I remember how Mr. Carl had carried her through the woods after they saved me from the monsters at the cave. How she kept trying to reach her hand over her shoulder and I kept trying to reach back. But Mr. Carl was so tall that even if I could stand on tiptoes, I probably still wouldn’t have been able to hold her hand.
Besides, we were movin’ real fast through the trees and bushes and Mr. Carl was cryin’ and told me to try to keep up as best as I could, that he was tryin’ to find somewhere we could rest and help my mommy.
I tried not to look at the place on his shoulder that my mommy was layin’ over ’cause there was so much blood now that it started almost lookin’ like Mr. Carl was bleedin’ too. Only I knew he wasn’t. I knew all the blood was Mommy’s and I knew she was hurt real bad.
We finally came to this big, white house and Mr. Carl kicked the door open with his foot like the cops do on TV. He went running into a bedroom and dropped Mommy on the bed and then told me to stay there with her, to keep talkin’ to her and tellin’ her how much I loved her and stuff. And then he ran outta the room and I thought he was probably leaving us but I didn’t care.
I climbed on the bed and snuggled up to Mommy’s side like I used to when it was cold and we’d watch the snow falling outside together. Only back then she was always warm and toasty, but now she was so cold that I could feel her shiverin’. So I tried to get up and go get a blanket for her, but she put her arm around me and started talkin’ to me.
I’d never heard her voice so soft before, not even when whispering, and she kinda seemed like she was havin’ trouble making some of her sounds. Kinda like Stutterin’ Johnny at school only when Mommy did it, it was scary instead of funny.
“J-Jason, b-baby… I love you… I love you, s-s-so much. N-never forget that, s-sw-sweetie.”
By this time I was cryin’ again and I felt like a giant ice cream scoop had come along and dipped out everything inside me. I pressed myself against her as tight as I could, thinkin’ that maybe my body could help keep some of the blood inside.
“Y-you listen to… to C-Carl. Okay, baby? Listen to Carl.”
Her voice was getting more and more quiet with each word and I started shakin’ my head back and forth.
“I don’t wanna listen to Mr. Carl, Mommy, I wanna listen to you. I just wanna listen to you…”
“Shhh… it’s okay, b-baby. I love you. Always re… always remember that. Always remember how much I loved you.”
Mr. Carl was runnin’ back into the room now and he had all these towels in his hands and he was sayin’ something but I couldn’t tell what.
All I could think about was how somethin’ was different, how somethin’ had changed. I couldn’t feel Mommy’s chest moving up and down against my back anymore and her hand had stopped petting my arm and was just kinda layin’ there.
I rolled over and started shakin’ her and I don’t really know what I was sayin’ but I know I was cryin’ and hollerin’ for her. But she wasn’t movin’ at all and she was just looking up at the ceiling and not blinking or anything.
Next thing I know, Mr. Carl was trying to pull me away from her and I kicked and scratched and fought and all I wanted was for him to leave me and my mommy alone, to just let me lay there beside her and hold her and keep her safe from all the monsters in the world.
But he was so much stronger than me and he just carried me out into the hallway and then slammed the door real quick in my face. I remember pounding on the door, yelling at him to let me in, that I wanted my mommy and didn’t want to be alone and he better open up right now.
When he didn’t I dropped down to my knees and peeked through the keyhole, just wanting to be able to see Mommy again.
Inside the room, Mr. Carl was standin’ at the foot of the bed and he had his face pressed into his hands and I could tell he was cryin’ but nowhere near as much as me.
But then I felt my heart kinda skip a beat or two and I began smilin’ real big and I was cryin’ then because I was happy, happier than I had ever been and happier than I ever knew I could be.
“Mommy!” I hollered. “Mommy, I’m out here!”
Mommy wasn’t dead after all, the monster’s hadn’t got her. As I was peeking through the keyhole, I saw her fingers start movin’ like she was trying to grab something that wasn’t there. And then she was sittin’ up in bed and she looked like she was really, really sick but at least she was still alive. At least I had my mommy back and would never have to be alone again.
But as I watched, I saw Mr. Carl take a step backward as he pulled out his gun. I started bangin’ on the door again and started yelling for Mommy to look out, for Mr. Carl to leave her alone.
And then he shot her. Just like that. He didn’t say nothin’ or anything. He just shot her.
I squeezed my eyes shut but it was too late. I’d already seen the way the hole just seemed to open up in her forehead, the way the blood splattered against the wall behind her as her body fell onto the bed again.
Just like that, he killed her. Just when I thought everything was gonna be okay. Just when I thought I had my mommy back and things would go back to the way they had always been.
But I knew then that things would never be the same again. No matter what happened, he’d taken my mommy away from me.
He had killed her.
And I wanted so badly to bust down the door and take that gun from him and do the same thing to him.
Mommy always said I shouldn’t hate.
But she’d understand.
I know she would.