“Speak, dark demon!” Rosa hissed, squeezing Eden’s face even tighter. Eden tried her best not to bat the woman’s hands away. “What is your reply?”
Another internal sigh. “Eden, let’s talk about this.”
“I’m rewwy shorry.” Her words were distorted due to her current pursed-lip situation. “But you habben gibben me any udder choice here.”
“So, you what? Called 411 to find the nearest Exorcists ‘R’ Us?”
Eden cleared her throat. “Akshlee, I just rooked in the phone book.”
“I already told you I can’t leave, but it’s not because I don’t want to. Believe me, I want to, but I can’t.”
“He says he can’t leeb me,” Eden said
“Liar!” Rosa snapped.
“You can tell this lady to bite me, though,” Darrak added. “And she can take that holier-than-thou attitude of hers and shove it right under her granny panties.”
“Does the demon show fear for my abilities?” Rosa asked.
“Not rewwy,” Eden admitted, though she was finding it increasingly hard to talk while in the forcibly pursed position. Her cheeks began to ache. “You can let go of my faysh now. Preesh.”
She finally released Eden, who sighed with relief and rubbed her sore cheeks.
“Right,” Darrak said. “Actually, I’m not afraid because I’ve been faced with a lot of exorcists in the last three hundred years. Believe me, there have been a lot of yahoos who think they can get rid of me, but a true exorcist needs to completely believe in demons and the Netherworld — their faith needs to be absolute. And they have to use actual holy water—”
“Malcolm, pass me the holy water, please.” Rosa held out her hand.
“Yes, Mother.”
Darrak scoffed. “They say it’s holy water, but that could just be from the tap for all we know.”
“What’s this we thing?” Eden said.
“Now, you must repeat after me,” Rosa said. “I, Eden Riley—”
“I, Eden Riley.”
“Commit to ridding my physical being of all things demonic—”
Eden repeated it.
“And renounce evil and all forms of black magic—”
Well, of course. “And renounce evil and all forms of black magic.”
“And all lustful thoughts.”
Eden frowned. “And all lustful thoughts?”
“Lust is a deadly sin. You may have been chosen as a vessel for the demon because of that sinful, cleavage-revealing blouse you’re wearing right now. Shameful, really.”
Eden held a hand to her chest. “I bought this at Sears last week. It’s machine washable!”
“Lust is the most popular deadly sin, followed closely by vanity and greed.” She gently patted Eden’s cheek. “Speaking of money, I should let you know up front that the outstanding thousand dollars on this transaction applies whether or not I am able to dispel this evil spirit from you. It will be applied directly to the credit card number you provided earlier.”
“There’s no money-back guarantee?”
“I’m afraid not. We are working with Satan’s darkest minions, here.”
“Did she just call me a minion?” Darrak grumbled. “Talk about adding insult to potential injury.”
“I also have a disclaimer for you to sign that absolves us of any responsibility should this exorcism lead to any property damage or, potentially, your death.” Rosa placed a legal-sized document in front of Eden and handed her a pen.
Eden’s eyes widened. “My death?”
“Much like a cosmetic liposuction procedure, it’s a rare side effect, but one we should never gloss over. But wouldn’t you rather be dead than be possessed by a demon?”
“Well…”
“Look, Eden,” Darrak said. “I’ve tried to be patient, but you need to send these people away right now before this gets out of control.”
“You think they’ll be able to do it?” she asked out loud. Rosa and Malcolm would know she was chatting with her inner demon, so she saw no reason to whisper or try to otherwise hide it.
“No. But do you even know what an exorcism does?”
“Yeah, it’ll get rid of the demon I’m possessed with.”
“It will also damage your soul.”
She tensed. “Really? Why would it do that?”
“Because that’s what I’m going to grab onto when they try to get rid of me. I’m going to cling onto your sparkly silver soul like a lifeline. If she’s really good, she’ll eventually be able to rip me loose. Then my essence will be torn apart — we like to use the term decimate—I’ll be cast into the void, a place of endless darkness and despair from which there’s no escape—”
“Sounds like Hell to me.”
He laughed humorlessly. “The void is the innermost ring of Hell — all of it, the rings of Hell, the void, and the Underworld make up the Netherworld. Actually the rest of Hell’s a Las Vegas theme hotel compared to the void. When a demon is exorcised, it’s not the same as simply being vanquished. If I was vanquished, I’d be sent on a one-way ticket back to Hell. I’d be damaged. It would take a long time, if ever, for me to recover, but I’d still exist. An exorcism is a bit more permanent than that. It’ll be a few days of ultimate pain and suffering, and then it’s all over.”
Rosa continued to study Eden closely during Darrak’s speech, taking down notes from what Eden said in reply in a small notebook she carried.
Eden swallowed. “Sounds like a root canal with no anesthetic.”
“A trillion times worse than that.”
“A trillion?”
“Well… a lot. I don’t know the exact equation. I’m a demon, not a mathematician.”