«It's been so long,» I say at last.
He looks at me, uncomprehending. What does long even mean, out here?
I try again. «They say there's no such thing as altruism, you know?»
His eyes blank for an instant, and grow panicky, and I know that he's just tried to ping his link for a definition and come up blank. So we are alone. «Altruism,» I explain. «Unselfishness. Doing something that costs you but helps someone else.» He seems to get it. «They say every selfless act ultimately comes down to manipulation or kin-selection or reciprocity or something, but they're wrong. I could —»
I close my eyes. This is harder than I expected.
«I could have been happy just knowing that Kai was okay, that Connie was happy. Even if it didn't benefit me one whit, even if it cost me, even if there was no chance I'd ever see either of them again. Almost any price would be worth it, just to know they were okay.
«Just to believe they were…»
So you haven't seen her for the past five builds. So he hasn't drawn your shift since Sagittarius. They're just sleeping. Maybe next time.
«So you don't check,» Dix says slowly. Blood bubbles on his lower lip; he doesn't seem to notice.
«We don't check.» Only I did, and now they're gone. They're both gone. Except for those little cannibalized nucleotides the chimp recycled into this defective and maladapted son of mine. We're the only warm-blooded creatures for a thousand lightyears, and I am so very lonely.
«I'm sorry,» I whisper, and lean forward, and lick the gore from his bruised and bloody lips.
Back on Earth — back when there was an Earth — there were these little animals called cats. I had one for a while. Sometimes I'd watch him sleep for hours: paws and whiskers and ears all twitching madly as he chased imaginary prey across whatever landscapes his sleeping brain conjured up.
My son looks like that when the chimp worms its way into his dreams.
It's almost too literal for metaphor: the cable runs into his head like some kind of parasite, feeding through old-fashioned fiberop now that the wireless option's been burned away. Or force — feeding, I suppose; the poison flows into Dix's head, not out of it.
I shouldn't be here. Didn't I just throw a tantrum over the violation of my own privacy? (Just. Twelve lightdays ago. Everything's relative.) And yet I can see no privacy here for Dix to lose: no decorations on the walls, no artwork or hobbies, no wraparound console. The sex toys ubiquitous in every suite sit unused on their shelves; I'd have assumed he was on antilibinals if recent experience hadn't proven otherwise.
What am I doing? Is this some kind of perverted mothering instinct, some vestigial expression of a Pleistocene maternal subroutine? Am I that much of a robot, has my brain stem sent me here to guard my child?
To guard my mate?
Lover or larva, it hardly matters: his quarters are an empty shell, there's nothing of Dix in here. That's just his abandoned body lying there in the pseudopod, fingers twitching, eyes flickering beneath closed lids in vicarious response to wherever his mind has gone.
They don't know I'm here. The chimp doesn't know because we burned out its prying eyes a billion years ago, and my son doesn't know I'm here because — well, because for him, right now, there is no here.
What am I supposed to make of you, Dix? None of this makes sense. Even your body language looks like you grew it in a vat — but I'm far from the first human being you've seen. You grew up in good company, with people I know, people I trust. Trusted. How did you end up on the other side? How did they let you slip away?
And why didn't they warn me about you?
Yes, there are rules. There is the threat of enemy surveillance during long dead nights, the threat of — other losses. But this is unprecedented. Surely someone could have left something, some clue buried in a metaphor too subtle for the simpleminded to decode…
I'd give a lot to tap into that pipe, to see what you're seeing now. Can't risk it, of course; I'd give myself away the moment I tried to sample anything except the basic baud, and —
— Wait a second —
That baud rate's way too low. That's not even enough for hi-res graphics, let alone tactile and olfac. You're embedded in a wireframe world at best.
And yet, look at you go. The fingers, the eyes — like a cat, dreaming of mice and apple pies. Like me, replaying the long-lost oceans and mountaintops of Earth before I learned that living in the past was just another way of dying in the present. The bit rate says this is barely even a test pattern; the body says you're immersed in a whole other world. How has that machine tricked you into treating such thin gruel as a feast?
Why would it even want to? Data are better grasped when they can be grasped, and tasted, and heard; our brains are built for far richer nuance than splines and scatterplots. The driest technical briefings are more sensual than this. Why settle for stick-figures when you can paint in oils and holograms?
Why does anyone simplify anything? To reduce the variable set. To manage the unmanageable.
Kai and Connie. Now there were a couple of tangled, unmanageable datasets. Before the accident. Before the scenario simplified.
Someone should have warned me about you, Dix.
Maybe someone tried.
And so it comes to pass that my son leaves the nest, encases himself in a beetle carapace and goes walkabout. He is not alone; one of the chimp's teleops accompanies him out on Eri 's hull, lest he lose his footing and fall back into the starry past.
Maybe this will never be more than a drill, maybe this scenario — catastrophic control-systems failure, the chimp and its backups offline, all maintenance tasks suddenly thrown onto shoulders of flesh and blood — is a dress rehearsal for a crisis that never happens. But even the unlikeliest scenario approaches certainty over the life of a universe; so we go through the motions. We practice. We hold our breath and dip outside. We're on a tight deadline: even armored, moving at this speed the blueshifted background rad would cook us in hours.
Worlds have lived and died since I last used the pickup in my suite. «Chimp.»
«Here as always, Sunday.» Smooth, and glib, and friendly. The easy rhythm of the practiced psychopath.
«I know what you’re doing.»
«I don't understand.»
«You think I don't see what's going on? You're building the next release. You're getting too much grief from the old guard so you're starting from scratch with people who don't remember the old days. People you've, you've simplified.»
The chimp says nothing. The drone's feed shows Dix clambering across a jumbled terrain of basalt and metal matrix composites.
«But you can't raise a human child, not on your own.» I know it tried: there's no record of Dix anywhere on the crew manifest until his mid-teens, when he just showed up one day and nobody asked about it because nobody ever …
«Look what you've made of him. He's great at conditional If/Thens. Can't be beat on number-crunching and Do loops. But he can't think. Can't make the simplest intuitive jumps. You're like one of those — «I remember an Earthly myth, from the days when reading did not seem like such an obscene waste of lifespan — «one of those wolves, trying to raise a Human child. You can teach him how to move around on hands and knees, you can teach him about pack dynamics, but you can't teach him how to walk on his hind legs or talk or be human because you're too fucking stupid, Chimp, and you finally realized it. And that's why you threw him at me. You think I can fix him for you.»
I take a breath, and a gambit.
«But he's nothing to me. You understand? He's worse than nothing, he's a liability. He's a spy, he's a spastic waste of O2. Give me one reason why I shouldn't just lock him out there until he cooks.»
«You're his mother,» the chimp says, because the chimp has read all about kin selection and is too stupid for nuance.
«You're an idiot.»
«You love him.»
«No.» An icy lump forms in my chest. My mouth makes words; they come out measured and inflectionless. «I can't love anyone, you brain-dead machine. That's why I'm out here. Do you really think they'd gamble your precious never-ending mission on little glass dolls that needed to bond.»
«You love him.»
«I can kill him any time I want. And that's exactly what I'll do if you don't move the gate.»