'No, I don't,' he replied. He removed his arm from his eyes and stared into total blackness. She had, as prescribed, turned off the light before getting into bed.
Her body, if unclothed, would gleam white in the light of lamp or moon, he thought. Yet, I have never seen her body, never seen her even half-undressed. Never seen any woman's body except for that picture that man in Berlin showed me. And I, after one half-hungry, half-horrified look, ran as swiftly as I could. I wonder if tha Uzzites found him soon after and did to him whatever they do to men who pervert reality so hideously.
So hideously... yet, he could see the picture as if it were before his eyes now in the full light of Berlin. And he could see the man who was trying to sell it to him, a tall, good-looking youth with blond hair and broad shoulders, speaking the Berliner variety of Icelandic.
White flesh gleaming...
Mary had been silent for several minutes, but he could hear her breathing. Then, 'Hal, haven't you done enough since you came home? Must you make me tell the gapt even more?'
'And just what else have I done?' he asked fiercely. Nevertheless, he smiled slightly, for he was determined to make her speak plainly, to come out and ask. Not that she ever would, but he was going to get her to come as close as she was capable.
'That's just it, you haven't done anything,' she whispered.
'Now what do you mean?
'You know.'
'No, I don't'
'The night before you left for the Preserve, you said you were too tired. That's no real excuse, but I didn't say anything to the gapt about it because you had fulfilled your weekly duty. But you've been gone two weeks, and now–'
'Weekly duty!' he said loudly, resting on one elbow. 'Weekly duty! Is that what you think of it?'
'Why, Hal,' she said with a surprised note. 'What else am I to think?'
Groaning, he lay back down and stared into the dark.
'What's the use?' he said. 'Why, why should we? Nine years we've been married; we've had no children; we never will. I've even petitioned for a divorce. So why should we continue to perform like a couple of robots on tridi?'
Mary's breath sucked in, and he could imagine the horror on her face.
After a moment which seemed to bulge with her shock, she said, 'We must because we must. What else can we do? Surely, you're not suggesting that?...'
'No, no,' he said quickly, thinking of what would happen if she told their gapt. Other things he could get away with, but any hint on her part that her husband was refusing to carry out the specific command of the Forerunner... He did not dare to think about that. At least, he now had prestige as a university teacher and a puka with some room in it and a chance to advance. But not if...
'Of course not,' he said. 'I know we must try to have children, even if we seem doomed not to.'
'The doctors say there's nothing physically wrong with either of us,' she said for perhaps the thousandth time in the past five years. 'So, one of us must be thinking against reality, denying with his body the true future. And I know that it can't be me. It couldn't be!'
' "The dark self hides overmuch from the bright self," ' said Hal, quoting The Western Talmud. ' "Thej Backrunner in us trips us, and we know it not." '
There was nothing that so infuriated Mary, herself always quoting, as to have Hal do the same. But now, instead of beginning a tirade, she cried, 'Hal, I'm scared! Do you realize that in another year our time will be up? That we'll go before the Uzzites for another test? And, if we fail, if they find out that one of us is denying the future to our children. . . they made it clear what would happen!'
Artificial insemination by a donor was adultery. Cloning had been forbidden by Sigmen because it was an abomination.
For the first time that evening, Hal felt a sympathy with her. He knew the same terror that was making her body quiver and shake the bed.
But he could not allow her to know it, for then she would break up completely, as she had several times in the past. He would be all night putting the pieces back together and making them stick.
'I don't think there is too much to worry about,' he said. 'After all, we are highly respected and much needed professionals. They're not about to waste our education and talents by sending us to H. I think that if you don't get pregnant, they'll give us an extension. After all, they do have precedent and authority. The Forerunner himself said that every case should be considered in its context, not judged by an absolute rule. And we–'
'And how often is a case judged by the context?' she said shrilly. 'How often? You know as well as I do that the absolute rule is always applied!'
'I don't know any such thing,' he replied soothingly.
'How naive can you get? If you go by what the truecasters say, yes. But I've heard some things about the hierarchy. I know that such things as blood relationship, friendship, prestige, and wealth, or usefulness to the Sturch, can make for a relaxation of the rules.' Mary sat upright in bed.
'Are you trying to tell me that the Urielites can be bribed?' she said in a shocked tone.
'I would never ever say that to anybody,' he said. 'And I will swear by Sigmen's lost hand that I did not mean even to hint at such a vile unreality. No, I am just saying that usefulness to the Sturch sometimes results in leniency or another chance.'
'Who do you know to help us?' said Mary, and Hal smiled in the darkness. Mary could be shocked by his outspokenness, but she was practical and would not hesitate to use any means to get them out of their predicament.
There was silence for a few minutes. Mary was breathing hard, like a cornered animal.
Finally, he said, 'I don't really know anybody with influence except Olvegssen. And he's been making remarks about my M.R., though he does praise my work.'
'See! That M.R.! If you'd only make an effort, Hal...'
'If only you weren't so eager to downgrade me,' he said bitterly.
'Hal, I can't help it if you go along so easily with unreality! I don't like what I have to do, but it's my duty! You're even making a misstep by reproaching me for what I have to do. Another black mark–'
'Which you will be forced to repeat to the gapt. Yes, I know. Let's not go into that again for the ten thousandth time.'
'You brought it up,' she said righteously.
'That seems to be all we have to talk about.'
She gasped, and then she said, 'It wasn't always that way.'
'No, not for the first year of our marriage. But since then–'
'Whose fault is that?' she cried.
'That's a good question. But I don't think we should go into it. It might be dangerous.'
'What do you mean?'
'I don't care to discuss it.'
He was himself surprised at what he had said. What did he mean? He did not know; he had spoken, not with his intellect but with his whole being. Had the Backrunner in him made him say that?
'Let's get to sleep,' he said. 'Tomorrow changes the face of reality.'
'Not before–' she said.