LUBCROY (n.)
The telltale little lump in the top of your swimming trunks which tells you you are going to have to spend half an hour with a safety pin trying to pull the drawstring out again.
LUDLOW (n.)
A wad of newspaper, folded tablenapkin or lump of cardboard put under a wobbly table or chair to make it stand-up straight. It is perhaps not widely known that air-ace Sir Douglas Bader used to get about on an enormous pair of ludlows before he had his artificial legs fitted.
LUFFENHAM (n.)
Feeling you get when the pubs aren't going to be open for another fortyfive minutes and the luffness in beginning to wear a bit thin.
LUFFNESS (n.)
Hearty feeling that comes from walking on the moors with gumboots and cold ears.
LULWORTH (n.)
Measure of conversation. A lulworth defines the amount of the length, loudness and embarrassment of a statement you make when everyone else in the room unaccountably stops talking at the same time.
LUPPITT (n.)
The piece of leather which hangs off the bottom of your shoe before you can be bothered to get it mended.
LUSBY (n.)
The fold of flesh pushing forward over the top of a bra which is too small for the lady inside it.
LUTON (n.)
The horseshoe-shaped rug which goes around a lavatory seat.
LYBSTER (n., vb.)
The artificial chuckle in the voice-over at the end of a supposedly funny television commercial.
LYDIARD TREGOZE (n.)
The opposite of a mavis enderby (q.v.) An unrequited early love of your life who still causes terrible pangs though she inexplicably married a telephone engineer.
MAARUIG (n.)
The inexpressible horror experienced on walking up in the morning and remembering that you are Andy Stewart.
MAENTWROG (n. Welsh)
The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the heigh to which you have rolled up your trousers.
MALIBU (n.)
The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the height to which you have rolled up your trousers.
MANKINHOLES (pl.n.)
The small holes in a loaf of bread which give rise to the momentary suspicion that something may have made its home within.
MAPLEDURHAM (n.)
A hideous piece of chipboard veneer furniture bought in a suburban high street furniture store and designed to hold exactly a year's supply of Sunday colour supplements.
MARGATE (n.)
A margate is a particular kind of commissionaire who sees you every day and is on cheerful Christian-name terms with you, then one day refuses to let you in because you've forgotten your identify card.
MARKET DEEPING (participial vb.)
Stealing one piece of fruit from a street fruit-and- vegetable stall.
MARLOW (n.)
The bottom drawer in the kitchen your mother keeps her paper bags in.
MARYTAVY (n.)
A person to whom, under dire injunctions of silence, you tell a secret which you wish to be fare more widely known.
MASSACHUSETTS (pl.n.)
Those items and particles which people who, after blowing their noses, are searching for when they look into their hankies.
MATCHING GREEN (adj.)
(Of neckties.) Any colour which Nigel Rees rejects as unsuitable for his trousers or jacket.
MAVIS ENDERBY (n.)
The almost-completely-forgotten girlfriend from your distant past for whom your wife has a completely irrational jealousy and hatred.
MEATH (adj.)
Warm and very slightly clammy. Descriptive of the texture of your hands after the automatic drying machine has turned itself off, just damp enough to make it embarrassing if you have to shake hands with someone immediately afterwards.
MEATHOP (n.)
One who sets off for the scene of an aircraft crash with a picnic hamper.
MEETH (n.)