"Mr. Corpse Celebrates Birthday in Style"
It was a birthday bash to remember as Mr. Corpse celebrated his thirty-sixth birthday yesterday! (No word on whether or not his birthday was prorated to make up for the time he was dead!)
"Congratulations, Stanley," said Veronica. "Our accountant tells me that you're a millionaire."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"Well, let's go buy some shit!"
"Violence Erupts In Toy Store"
Collectors in Bridgewater, New Jersey awaiting the 12:01 AM sale date of the official Mr. Corpse action figure (a special limited edition of only 750,000 units), some of whom had been waiting for up to 48 hours beforehand, were less than happy when the promised shipment of figures did not arrive. Eight collectors and one employee were injured in the ensuing riot.
"Here you go," said Dr. Arnzin, handing Stanley a small plastic container. "That's one week's worth of injections. You're sure you can handle them by yourself?"
"You've watched me do them for the past three days. I think I can handle poking myself with a needle."
"Just don't forget them."
"I'm not going to forget them."
"Once a day."
"I know."
"Never twice."
"I promise."
"Mr. Corpse and Mrs. Sunset A Couple?"
RUMOR PATROL! It seems that Mr. Corpse and Hollywood's newest A-lister, Tamara Kato, might be an item! The Oscar-winning star of Mrs. Sunset was spotted getting snuggly with Mr. Corpse at the premiere party for the new Jennifer Aniston flick! Reps for both insist that they're "just good friends."
"Mr. Corpse! Can I get your autograph?"
Stanley glanced over at the college kid. "Can I finish peeing first?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course! I can't believe I'm actually talking to you! My friends aren't gonna believe this! Are you done?"
"Getting there."
"Sorry, I've just never met a real celebrity! It's true what they say, I guess, about how you can't come to Los Angeles without seeing a star. This is so cool."
"What would you like me to sign?"
"Oh, um, could you sign my arm?"
"Do you have something to write with?"
"No. Don't you?"
"No. I just came in here to take a piss."
"I'm sure my girlfriend has a pen. Wait here and I'll go get it."
"How about I hang out someplace besides the men's room?"
"Oh, right, of course, of course. Do you want to meet my girlfriend? You could sign her arm, too!"
"Sure."
"Let's go." The kid pushed open the bathroom door and gestured for Stanley to pass. "After you."
"Did you notice that you washed your hands, but then you went ahead and touched the doorknob, which is covered with the residue of a million unwashed hands that touched a million unwashed dicks?"
"Excuse me?"
"I was just kidding."
"My girlfriend's sitting over there. Tracy! Look who I met in the bathroom!"
Tracy shrieked in terror.
"Mr. Corpse Refused Service"
New York's legendary Baird's Deli apparently doesn't think The Amazing Mr. Corpse is all that amazing! He was refused service this past weekend, and though Mr. Corpse protested, apparently he went home without getting to sample one of the world-famous Baird Burgers!
"I was just concerned about disease," said Roger Baird. "In our thirty-two year history we've passed every single inspection with flying colors, and I just thought that a dead body in the restaurant might be a health code violation. It was nothing personal against Mr. Dabernath."
Mr. Corpse is reportedly planning to sue.
"Look, I'm still the #1 keyword search on Google," Stanley said, proudly.
"I was looking at some of your fan sites yesterday," said Veronica. "Maybe we should have you update your blog twice a day from now on."
"Nah, I can't type that fast. But take a look at this." Stanley typed in the URL for the new site he'd discovered, The Mr. Corpse Fraud Exposed. "It's a list of all the things that prove I'm really some dork in makeup."
"Wow, I didn't realize that your rot splotches were slightly different on Leno and Letterman."
"A website wouldn't lie."
"And legendary makeup artist Tom Savini was reportedly seen putting a box of Mr. Corpse masks in the trunk of his car."
"Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?"
"'Mr. Corpse: The Musical' An Off-Broadway Dud."
While Mr. Corpse remains the hot topic of discussion around the world, apparently theatre-goers don't want to see the musical. "Mr. Corpse: The Musical," which was licensed by Stanley Dabernath but produced without his direct involvement, had a strong opening night but faded fast as critics savaged it as perhaps the worst of the season. Critics cited weak acting, insipid songs, and the generally rushed nature of the production as reasons for its failure. The musical will close on Sunday, one week after it opened.
‹Host› Our chat guest tonight is Stanley Dabernath, the Amazing Mr. Corpse! Are you ready for some questions, Stanley?
‹MrCorpse› Bring them on!
‹CorpseFan10327› anyone here from ca
‹BobBitesBoob› asl?
‹Iluvstanley› hi everyoe
‹Iluvstanley› everyone lol
‹JoeyTaylorIII› whats ur fav movie
‹MrCorpse› Ferris Bueller's Day Off
‹JoeyTaylorIII› whats that
‹CorpseFan10327› anyone here from ca
‹Host› Remember, if you have a question, type? and we'll get to you in order.
‹GothChick666›?
‹MeSoDead› Corpse my man! What's your favorite CD, dawg?
‹GothChick666› fine don't call on me
‹CorpseFan10327› ca anyone???????????
‹Iluvstanley› lol gothchick
‹MrCorpse›***has left the chat***
"Mr. Corpse Not Dead Again"
A widely circulated news story about Mr. Corpse dying again turned out to be satirical. "Mr. Corpse did not, in fact, die of a broken heart," said Tyler Williams, editor of the mock news site The Weekly Plum. "It was a joke. Readers should perhaps be a bit more discerning." Other news stories currently on the site include "Dumb-Ass Hurricane Victim Believed God Would Save Him" and "Weapons of Mass Destruction Found in Olsen Twins' Panties."
Hey you zit-laden twerp, this is Mr. Corpse himself! How's the view from your mom's basement? I'm glad you're all nice and comfy talking trash about me online (but learn to spell, dipshit) but if we met in person you'd wet yourself, then soil yourself, then start blubbering like a big fat baby, and then soil yourself once more because you're so full of shit that you could handle sixteen or seventeen defecation sessions in a manner of minutes. Go out and get laid, dude! Or at least discover the joys of self-love, if you can lift your fat gut out of the way long enough to tug your wiener. Get a fuckin' life, you pathetic reprehensible sweaty smelly grotesque appalling ignorant morbidly obese sexually confused uni-browed dullard!
"Don't post that," said Veronica.
"Why not?" asked Stanley with mock innocence. "He shouldn't have friended me on Facebook if he doesn't want to hear my opinion."
"I'll kill you if you do."
"Can I post on his wall if I lower it to twelve or thirteen defecation sessions?"
"No."
"Meanie."
Cheers!
…to Mr. Corpse for his clever presentation at the MTV Movie Awards! Mr. Corpse, who gave out the award for "Best Death Scene," did his presentation while being digitally inserted into clips from classic zombie films. Our favorite moment: Mr. Corpse's hilariously out-of-step dance with the ghouls in Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
"Stop struggling, bitch!"
Henry Sweet smacked the girl across the face as hard as he could. It took a lot to make him angry these days, but her bite had done it. He raised the bloody hatchet as if he were going to bring it down upon her skull.
She cringed and whimpered.
"If I have to kill you, I'll be really annoyed, but I'll do it. Believe me, I'll do it." She'd bitten the hand he used to play guitar and drawn blood. Damn. This job just got worse and worse all the time. "Now do you want me to chop your head in half, or do you want to behave and live a while longer? Nod for the head chop and shake your head for living a while longer."
She shook her head.
"Good." He walked over to the stereo and ejected his CD. "I don't know what you're all upset about, anyway. I thought you didn't get along with your family." He gestured to her father's body. It took six separate gestures to do so. "Hey, it's not like he can complain about your bad grades now, can he?"
The girl closed her eyes and sobbed. The sound made Henry's teeth ache. He didn't enjoy his job, but he was looking forward to getting to watch this one suffer.