Her cabin was quiet. Someone had hung a new picture on the bulkhead where she could see it: a beach, probably on Tahiti. Waves came over a sapphire ocean to foam against white sands; in the foreground, palm trees nodded at Earth’s mild winds.
She laid down her book as the tall man entered. Color mounted in her face. “Gunnar,” she said very low. “You shouldn’t be up.”
“Our medic wants me on my back till we leave,” he said, “but the hell with him. At least, I had to come see you before you go. How’re you feeling?”
“All right. Still weak, of course, but Dr. Silva says I’m making a good recovery.”
“I know. I asked him. Enzyme therapy is a wonder, eh?” Heim searched for a phrase. Nothing sufficed. “I’m glad.”
“Sit down, you idiot!”
He pulled the lounger close to her bed and lowered himself. Even in a flyer, the trip had left him lightheaded. Several days yet must pass before his vigor was restored. The gun at his hip caught on the adjuster console. He pulled it free with a muttered oath.
Amusement touched her lips. “You needn’t have brought that. Nobody’s going to kidnap you.”
“Well, hopefully not. Call it insurance.”
Her smile faded. “Are you that angry?”
“No. Two good men died, the rest of us went through a nasty time. I’m sorry it happened, but you can’t take an episode in a war to heart.”
Her look reminded him of a trapped small animal. “You could press charges of murder.”
“Good Lord!” he exclaimed. “What kind of swine do you take me for? We went out together on a field trip. Our engine failed, we made a crash landing where one man was killed, and hiked after help. If your people will stick by that story, mine will.”
A thin hand stole toward him. He took it and did not let go. Her hazel eyes caught him in turn. Silence grew.
When he could hold out no more, and still lacked meaningful words, he said, “You’re hauling mass at dawn, right?’
“Yes. The scientists—those who thought this was a genuine trip—they want to stay. But Captain Gutierrez overruled them. We’ve lost our purpose.” Quickly: “How long will you remain?”
“About another Earth week, till the new missile units are fitted. To be sure, we’ll lose time getting out of the planetary. system. The Lodge has to escort us, and won’t let us arm our warheads till we’re beyond defensive limits. But still, I figure we’ll be on the move inside of ten days.”
Again muteness, while they looked at each other, and away, and back. “What do you plan on doing at home?” he tried.
“Wait for you,” she said. “Pray for you.”
“But—no, look, your, uh, your political work—”
“That’s no longer relevant. I haven’t changed my mind—or have I? It’s hard to tell.” Her free hand rubbed her forehead confusedly. The motion stirred her hair, awakening light in the chestnut tresses. “I don’t think I was wrong in principle,” she said after a bit. “Maybe I was in practice. But it doesn’t matter any more. You see, you’ve changed the universe. Earth is committed.”
“Nonsense!” His face smoldered. “One ship?”
“With you her captain, Gunnar.”
“Thanks, but … but you flatter me and—Wait, Joss, you do have a job. Sentiment at home might swing too far in the other direction. The last thing any sane person wants is a jehad. You keep telling ’em the enemy is not too evil to live. Remind ’em there’ll be peace negotiations eventually, and the more reasonable we are then, the more likely the peace is to last. Okay?”
He saw that she braced herself. “You’re right, and I’ll do my poor best,” she said. “But talking politics is only an evasion.”
“What do you mean?” he stalled.
Her mouth quirked afresh. “Why, Gunnar, I do believe you’re scared.”
“No, no, nothing of the sort You need rest. I’d better go.”
“Sit,” she commanded. Her fingers closed about his palm.
The touch was light, but it would have been easier to break free of a ship grapple.
Red and white chased each other across her countenance. “I have to explain,” she said with, astounding steadiness. “About what happened earlier.”
His skin prickled.
“Yes, I hoped to persuade you not to fight,” she said. “But I learned more was involved. Infinitely more.”
“Uh, uh—the past, sure—”
“When you come back,” she asked, “what are you going to do?”
“Live quietly.”
“Ha! I’d like to make book on that. For a while, though, you will be home on Earth.” Her tone dropped. “Oh, God, you must.” She raised her head. “I’ll be there too.”
He must summon so much will to speak that none was left for holding his eyes off the deck. “Joss,” he said, word by word, “you remember too many things. So do I. There was that chance once, which we did better to pass up. Then we met again, both free, both lonesome, and I admit I also thought the chance might have come again. Only it hadn’t. Time switched the dice on us.”
“No, that isn’t true. Sure, at first I believed otherwise. Our casual meetings after I returned from Ourania, and the political barrier between us—damn all politics! I thought you were simply attractive, and half that must be because of a friendship we’d never revive. I dreamed a little on the way here, but they seemed like just ordinary woman-type daydreams. How could you hurt me?” She paused. “It turned out you could.”
“I’m trying not to,” he said desperately. “You’re too good for soothing with lies.”
She let his hand go. Her own fell open upon the blanket. “So you don’t care.”
“I do, I do. But can’t you see, I didn’t break with Connie the way you did with Edgar. When she, well, helped me about you, we pulled still closer together. Then she died. It cut me off at the roots. I guess without thinking about it I’ve looked ever since for a root that strong. I’m a coward, afraid to settle for anything less, because afterward someone else might happen by who—It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
She rallied. “You’ve outgrown believing in permanent infatuation, haven’t you? We understand what really matters between two people. If you’re trying to warn me you might be restless—I wouldn’t be jealous at your wandering a little. As long as you always came back.”
“I don’t want to wander. Physically isn’t important. I wouldn’t want to mentally. That one time was bad enough. And when I heard about New Europe, I remembered a girl there. I was young and stupid, skittish about being tied down, which is especially bad for a Navy man. So I left when my leave was up without committing myself. Next time I arrived, she’d moved; I dithered whether to track her down, finally didn’t, and soon after got posted too far away to visit that planet. Now—”
“I see. You want to make sure about her.”
“I have to.”
“But that was twenty years or more ago, wasn’t it?”
He nodded. “I’ve got to find out what happened to her, see her safe if she’s still alive. Beyond that, yes, I’m doubtless being foolish.”
She smiled then. “Go ahead. I’m not too worried.”
He rose. “I must leave now. Neither of us is in any shape for emotional scenes.”
“Yes. I’ll wait, darling.”
“Better not. Not seriously, anyhow. Hell alone knows what’ll happen to me. I might not return at all.”
“Gunnar!” she cried, as if he had struck her. “Never say that!”
He jollied her as best he could, and kissed her farewell, and departed. While his pilot flitted him the short way back to the yacht, he looked out. A flock of Staurni hunters was taking off. Sunlight flared across their weapons. The turmoil in him changed toward eagerness—to be away, to sail his ship again—as he watched those dragon shapes mount into the sky.