"I know," he replied uncertainly, still too surprised and confused to know what he was saying. "I mean, I have to be… I try."
She released her hold on him, and he remembered too late that he was supposed to be running for his life. Mayelna caught both of his right arms and, with Daelyn holding his left arms, he was herded quickly down the length of the corridor, up a flight of steps and into Mayelna's office. Valthyrra followed, none too close, while Daelyn remained on guard by the closed door.
"Do you have any idea what you have gotten us into?" Mayelna demanded as she backed her prey across the room. "Do you even know what you are doing?"
"Of course I know what I am doing!" he replied hotly. Having been brought up short by a corner, he decided that it was time to counterattack. "Three entire ships agree that I indeed know what I am doing. You are the only one who is dissatisfied. Do you want me to call everyone back and tell them that I cannot play this game, that my mother says that it is too rough for me?"
Mayelna blinked in confusion, taken off her guard by his determination. Momentarily at a loss, she turned on Daelyn, an easier target. "You! I thought that you were on my side."
"You told me that I was on your side," Daelyn replied, undaunted. "I decided otherwise. He is right, you know."
"Of course he is right!" Mayelna exclaimed in frustration, throwing up her hands. "He has a disturbing habit of always being right. He is also the only one capable of getting away with this. But I still do not have to like it."
"What do you not like?" Velmeran demanded. "Is it the Commander who objects to me, a young and inexperienced pack leader taking entirely too much upon myself? Because I want us to be more aggressive when you would have us remain defensive? Or is it the overprotective mother who refuses to accept that I am quite grown up and able to decide these things for myself?"
"Under the circumstances, I am equal shares of both," she answered. "Velmeran, I no longer question your abilities. You are already a far better leader in battle than I ever was or will be. Your ability to never miss a trick amazed me. But I question your motives. What are you trying to prove?"
"You tell me," Velmeran said in return.
"Very well. The last time we talked, you were afraid that you were just a machine, a weapon of war built for one specific purpose. Now I wonder if you are willing yourself to become that machine. Dveyella might be gone, but you still have life. Are you trying to deny that?"
"Is that what you think?"
"You are not the same person you were before," she said. "I did not really understand you before. But I hardly even know you now."
"To the contrary," Valthyrra interrupted. "This is the real Velmeran that I always knew existed."
"You keep out of this, chips-for-brains!" Mayelna snapped impatiently. "You put him up to this. You put the idea in his head."
"Actually, he was the one who gave me the idea," Valthyrra countered.
"This is something that I must do," Velmeran added. "But for my own reasons."
"And what are your reasons?" she demanded. "Do you think that you can avenge yourself and Dveyella upon the ones who killed her? Vengeance is a human passion, and I am not sure that even they found quite the satisfaction in their revenge as they always thought they should. But you are not human, so stop pretending. Revenge will not help her death sit any easier in your conscience; it will not help you to forget, and it certainly will not bring her back. She was beyond your help the moment she died, so you cannot say that this is something you want to do for her."
"No, not for her. For me, Mayelna! This is what I must do for me, and for every Kelvessan alive today and who will live in days to come!" Velmeran declared so fiercely that Mayelna was driven back by his wrath. "I am Kelvessan, and I want that to mean something. I want my kind to be able to go where they want without fear of being shot. I want my people to be whatever they want, to have worlds of their own, to write their own music and their own stories and build their own monuments. I want this war to end now, not for the sake of some alien race but for my own. Someday I think that I might even like to have children, but children who will be free to be whatever they want.
"I know now what I am, what I want to be. Yes, I am a warrior, a Starwolf, but that is now my decision based upon my talents and desires, and not just because it is expected of me. Let me do what I can… what I must. Help me, if you dare, because I need all the help I can get. But if you are afraid, then kindly get out of my way. I know what I have to do, and I can do it without you."
The silence that followed came almost as a shock. Valthyrra was so startled and cowed by that violent outburst that she had drawn the probe's camera pod into its protective cowling and was peering out cautiously. Daelyn, on the other hand, was smiling with satisfaction. Mayelna simply stood where she was, staring aimlessly at the floor, deep in thought. After a moment she glanced up at him, searchingly.
"Is this what you have decided, those long days you spend alone in your room?" she asked gently.
Velmeran nodded slowly. "I have faced death as I never have before. Dveyella's life was dearer to me than my own. I could not face life alone without first coming to terms with it."
"Yes, I suppose so," Mayelna agreed. She reached out and took up his hands in hers, urging his attention. "Meran, I always knew of the conflict in your heart and soul, your dissatisfaction with your inability to choose your own lot in life. I hated to have to force a fate upon you. You said it yourself, that you want children who are Kelvessan and free to be what they want. That freedom is one thing that I could never give my own children, and that hurt me. But now I think that I am satisfied after all. Daelyn found her own life, even if she had to leave this ship to do it. Now I trust that you have found yours, and I am sorry that your lesson had to be such a bitter one."
"Daelyn?" Velmeran asked suddenly, and stared at the girl. She grinned and waved at him.
Mayelna smiled. "I believe that you have met your sister. Half sister, at least."
"Sister?" he asked. "Nuts! I was hoping for another kiss."
"You can talk to Consherra about that. Right now you will listen to me," Mayelna said, in the Commander's voice. "Meran, I see something of the future that you must face. I suppose that is what everyone must see in you, that your life is tied up in some great and terrible fate, and that is why it is so easy to believe in you. I believe you, and I will give you all the help I can."
Velmeran stared at her in surprise. "You do?"
"Have I not said so from the first?" she demanded in exasperation. "I know who led the counterattack against that fleet. And I know as well who took over leadership on that expedition to retrieve Keth when Dveyella thought that it was time to pull out. Did you think that Valthyrra was the only one listening to every word that went over your com? Someday, left to your own devices, it might even occur to you how much I love you. And I hope that you will make the equally amazing discovery that you might just have some love for me in return."
"You love me?" he asked. "I do not recall that you have ever said that to me before."
"I have always told myself that actions speak louder than words," she replied gently. "That is just a coward's excuse, and I have had a hard lesson in how actions can be misinterpreted. Therefore I will say it plainly: I love you, Meran. Not because you are my son, or my best pilot, or because you are the most unique person I have ever met. No excuses or conditions. I love you just because of yourself, for you are special to me."
Velmeran nodded and swallowed nervously. "You are my mother…."
"And sometimes we need the help of someone who loves us," she finished for him. "I understand. Meran, there is no one here who does not love you. I have shed tears for you, because I shared your grief. Many of us did, more than you might imagine. Others would have, if glass eyes could weep. But you never did. Something was lacking, I suppose. Something that still needed to be done."
He smiled uncertainly. "Ghosts of more than one nature will rest more easily now."
"Then let them rest," Mayelna said. She took him in her arms and held him tightiy while he cried.
Even as the Starwolf carriers were gathering for their council of war, Jon Lake received some very disturbing news. News that frightened him as nothing in his life had frightened him before. With the packet containing the report in one hand, he stormed into the Sector Commander's office. The secretary and two guards in the outer office, under strict orders to admit no visitors, were undecided as to whether or not that applied to the Councilor as well. During the moment of hesitation, he was already past.
"Idiot!" the Councdor spat like an angry cat at the startled Sector Commander as he came through the door. "What are you trying to do?"
"Hello, Jon," Commander Trace said casually as he sat back in his chair, waving the astonished guards out of the doorway so that it would shut. "Yes, I ordered that test moved up three weeks. What of it? We lost the freighter because her captain did not get the hell out while he had the chance. But we did get Starwolves."
"A Starwolf!" Councilor Lake corrected him.
"Oh?" the Commander asked innocently. "My report said three. Ah, well, we will improve. Even one was a good start."
"The wrong one!" Lake declared. "You moved that test up so that you could send your trap after the Methryn, knowing where she was and that she would probably be hunting again. Why, Don? Were you trying to get Velmeran?"
"And why not?" Trace demanded. "He made me nervous. Too damned smart."
The Councilor did not reply to that, but opened the package he held and pulled out a photograph, which he threw down on the table. "Do you know who this is?"
"Starwolf," Commander Trace replied, hardly bothering to glance at it. "I cannot tell one from another."
"You should know, since you dined with her only a week and a half ago. There was a two-man prospector poking around the asteroid debris in the system, surveying for metals. Suddenly they saw a Starwolf carrier coming into system fast, and it seems that they recognized a Starwolf funeral when they saw it. They kept the body on scan until the carrier left, then rushed in and snatched it up at the last moment. And, being a company prospector, they turned the body over to Farstell rather than to the military. Since they sent the report on a military courier, it came to me instead of to you."
"What became of the body?" the Sector Commander demanded, almost greedily. Alive or dead, a Starwolf was a valuable possession.
"You needn't concern yourself, even though I can imagine you hanging her head from a post as a warning to all Starwolves. I have already ordered that body destroyed in our own sun, according to their own honors," Lake said with considerable heat, then grew cold and menacing. "Are you too big a fool to realize the consequences of your actions? Velmeran knows that you were after him. Now he is going to demand payment."
"What can he do, just one Starwolf?" the Commander asked, unconcerned, even contemptuously.