The Way of Arabin: religion created by Arabin lol Arabin (formerly Dreldragon Drakedon Douay), drawing inspiration from the mysticism of Gouda Muck, the delights of the temple of the Demon Hagon, tales (some taller than others) about the Orgy God of the Ebrell Islands, and the Inner Principles of the Old Science (as taught to apprentice swordsmiths on Stokos).
The Book of Witness
Vision the First
And it came to pass that in the winter of Khmar 19, Arabin lol Arabin came down out of the north and made his abode in Runcorn.
With him was no money btft a woman, and his wit also.
And it happened that Arabin spent much time in dives of low repute where there was much drinking, and a muchness also of gambling at dice-chess.
And he enjoyed winnings of a size that other men marvelled at.
And at midwinter he opened his own establishment, saying unto the multitude, come, for the place is lit with candles unto cockcrow.
The wine is unwatered and the gin likewise, the girls are clean and the cards unmarked, yea, and spotless.
7 And the crowds were great about his door.
Then it happened that the City Fathers were exceedingly wroth, and sent certain men to his gates.
And they asked of him, 'Is there gambling and drinking and whoring within?'
And he answered unto them, thinking the Truth would serve him, 'There is the practical Worship of things that are good.'
And one replied, 'Verily verily I say unto you, thou hast not a liquor licence, therefore we can close you down.'
And another said that yea, verily, he had not rendered up to the City Corporation business taxes three years in advance.
And many were their accusations, yea, so that there is no numbering of them.
Then Arabin was also wroth, and he hardened his fingers to fists against them.
But his woman said, 'Hush dearest treasure-snake, there is Another Way.'
Then she, whose name was Zanya, said unto the Persecutors: 'Return you tomorrow at noon, and all shall be Answered.'
And their understanding of this was improved when Arabin began to place boot to the ends that were behind them.
And the Persecutors withdrew, yet returned at noon the next day.
And they found waiting for them a Being dressed in Magnificence, and he was not as other men, for there was thunder on his brow and in his voice also.
And he drew himself up to his Height, and, verily, they looked as Children beside him.
And he said, 'Lo, behold your doom, for I am Garimanthea the Mighty, the Flail of Righteousness, the Breaker of Strong Men, the Destroyer of Prosperity, for I am barrister, solicitor, notary public and attorney at law.'
Then were the Persecutors frightened exceedingly, and sought to flee.But it was too late.
24 For the minions of Garimanthea pressed upon them certain writs relating to libel, and slander, and Attempted Taxation of Religions in Contravention of the City Charter, and Constitutional Violation, and Demanding With Menaces, and many others besides.
Vision the Second
And it happened that toward spring the City Fathers sat in council.
And they asked why the establishment of Arabin continued in operation, yet without liquor licence, or payment of taxes, or compliance with fire regulations.
And they were answered: 'Verily, he has claimed exemption on the grounds of religious status, and the question looks likely to perplex the Courts unto our great grandchildren's children's generation.'
Then the Council Chamber was loud with bitter mirth.
And Nabajoth the Wise wiped the salt tears from his eyes and said, 'This Arabin who stands against us is but a child, and will leave town even if I must rope him to the horse which is my own then drag him all the way south to Kelebes.'
And Arabin lol Arabin was summoned before the council.
And Nabajoth addressed him, saying, 'How can a boy like you pretend to religious wisdom?'
Whereupon Arabin said to him, 'Wherefore dost thou call me boy? Would'st like to test manhood, blade to blade to death and damnation?'
Upon which his counsel Garimanthea said in exceedingly great haste, 'My client's question was rhetorical only, purely rhetorical, I want that fact entered in the Record.'
Therefore remarks to that effect were entered in the Record.
And it is said that Arabin at that time made certain muttered remarks about the ancestry of Nabajoth and the greatness of the belly which was upon him, yet these were not Recorded.
Then Nabajoth again asked, 'How can a boy like you pretend to religious wisdom?'Whereupon Arabin thought deeply.
Then spoke, saying, 'Why dost thou use the argument ad hominem? Hast thou no learning?
'If thou wast to wake beside a whore and hear her parrot say unto you that the sea is blue, would the sea be less blue because a whore's parrot had declared it?
'And if a child saith the gods are exceedingly great and mighty, are the gods therefore as woodlice because a child has declared them mighty?'
'And if I were to say that the belly of a certain City Father was exceedingly great, yea, and waxy, and a meal a pack of hungry dogs could not consume entire, would the waxiness of his dislike of me make him thin?'
Then an unseemly laughter was heard in parts of the Council Chamber, and Nabajoth assumed a redness of the face and then a purple.
And the wrath of Nabajoth was exceedingly great, and was matched by the laughter only.
Then Nabajoth hardened his fingers to fists and spake, saying many things later expunged from the Record, then died of apoplexy.
Then Garimanthea asked for a recess that he might confer with his client reference protocol and etiquette and certain other related matters.And a recess was granted unto him.
Vision the Third
Now it happened that after the recess, Zeruqin spake unto Arabin, saying, 'What is religion?'
And Arabin answered, 'It is worship.'
And Zeruqin asked of him, 'What then is worship?'
And Arabin said, 'It is the Walking of the Way.'
5 Whereupon Zeruqin asked him if it was the way to Selzirk he spoke of, or the way to the docks of Runcorn, or the way back to the brothel he was spawned in.
Upon which Garimanthea made certain entries upon a parchment and gave it unto Zeruqin, saying it was a writ concerning the slander Zeruqin had just made upon the ancestry of Arabin.
Then there was long and heated colloquy during which Zeruqin offered to meet Arabin on the Field of Honour which lay but a fingerlength beyond the Jurisdiction of the Free City of Runcorn.
And Arabin answered him, saying, 'Verily thou art reckless, but there shall we meet, and have a testing of manhood.'9 And a recess was agreed to.
And it came to pass that the two of them met on the Field of Honour with blades of steel which were slender, yea, and had about them a beauty which was equal to the beauty of a woman in her nakedness.
And Arabin killed his man, yet was himself unwounded.
Vision the Fourth
Now on the next day the Hearing of the City Fathers of Runcorn resumed.
And Jarmuth Japhia Lachish said unto Arabin from the glory of his chins, which were five in number, 'How is it that thou pretendeth to religion?
'For since when is drinking, gambling and whoring of the nature of religion?
'A man cannot commune with the gods through drinking.
'Nor find the revelations of the spirit through whoring.
'And, as for gambling, there is no good in it.'
Then Arabin spake unto him, saying unto him:
8 'Hast thou ever sat at table with hard liquor for seven days and seven nights unceasing?'
9 And Lachish answered him: 'No.'10 'And hast thou ever rolled dice for thine future, staking the one and most worthless foreign dorth which remaineth to thee?'And Lachish answered him: 'No,'
'And hast thou ever slept with a whore, or with two whores and a dog, or with a young boy and a hot pig, or in a room equipped with the pleasures of mouths and whips and wet liver and-'
Whereupon there was uproar of surpassing greatness.
But the Record showed the answer of Lachish as 'No.'
Then did Arabin call attention to the answer shown in the Record, and say unto Lachish: 'If thou hast not tasted these pleasures, wherefore dost thou speak of the goodness or the badness thereof?'
And Lachish replied that the badness of it was evident to all who heard of it.
Whereupon Arabin spoke unto him, saying, 'Verily verily I say unto you that the nature of a thing is known only by the Investigation of that thing.
'For one may buy a certain skin of drink because the merchant hath praised it, yet find upon consumption that there is no wine within but vinegar, for the praising of a thing relies for proof upon the tasting.'Likewise its denigration.
'Now if I speak to you of the goodness of my woman and of the sex of her, you may deny me.
'But your denial is as the boast of the merchant who sold the wine.
'For all opinion is an empty prating of wind unless thou hast lain between the nakedness of her breasts, or tasted of the myrrh of her lips, or grappled with the smoothness of her loins, which are of a fragrance like unto spikenard, and a smoothness like unto fine wine.
'The truth of a thing is revealed by the Investigation of that thing, the touching and the tasting thereof, the evidence which is ocular and that which is of the bouquet.'Thus it is with all my religion.'
Whereupon three of the City Fathers were Illuminated, and resigned their positions on the spot, and went forth from that place that they might worship.
And Arabin in his wisdom sent messengers ahead of them, and free drinks were waiting when they got to the bar.
Then those of the City Fathers who remained were sorely vexed.
28 And Jarmuth Japhia Lachish spake from the glory of his five chins, saying unto Arabin: 'Boy, wherefore dost thou perplex us with this gobbledygook which hath not the half of an arse upon it?
'Verily, thou shalt learn that the wise will not think the shit of a bull to be the pudding of a plum merely because a boy has declared it to be so.'
Whereupon Arabin said unto him: 'Is it not the wisdom of the Ancients that a thing must be Investigated before it is Known?'
Whereupon they were sore amazed, for they saw that he was learned in the Inner Principles of the Old Science.
And Arabin spoke unto them, saying, 'Verily, dialectic is a sharp blade, and I believe it hath cut off the heads of your arguments.'
Whereupon another recess was called, and both the wise and the unwise departed from that place until the next day should dawn.
Vision the Fifth
And it came to pass that on the next day Arabin arrived in the company of damsels.
And with him also were men bearing boards for the playing of dice-chess, and good gold for the staking thereat.
And maids bearing platters of goodly sweetmeats, of the red meat and the white, of fish and of fowl, and of all things rich in their taste and in their juices.
And there was strong drink also, even the firewater which is from Ebrell.
And Arabin addressed the City Fathers, saying unto them: 'Come, will you not Investigate in the manner of the Ancients?
'Truly this is the highest wisdom that remains to us, that we should Investigate before we Pronounce.'
Then Jarmuth Japhia Lachish spoke many words, and caused to be abolished from the sight of the City Fathers the damsels, dice-chess, gold, platters and strong drink also, yea, even the rare and most precious firewater which was from Ebrell.
Then Lachish spoke unto Arabin from the glory of his five chins, saying:'Boy, there are two ways of knowing.
'One you have spoken of, which is Investigation, yet one you have not spoken of, and that is Tradition.'Yet Tradition is equal in wisdom to Investigation.
'For Tradition tells us that a man cannot breathe below water, but must surely drown.
'And, likewise, that a man cannot cut out his own heart with cold steel then dance, but must surely die.
'And, also, that gambling brings poverty, whores bring pox, and strong drink is the destruction of sound men.'
Then Lachish caused to be brought before them a chalice, which was wrought in high silver and chased about with gold, and within that chalice was a liquid.
And Lachish pointed at the chalice, saying, 'Behold, within is hemlock, which is evil by Tradition, just as the madness of drink, the coquetry of whores and the foolishness of wagering is evil.
'And I know the evil thereof, by Tradition, yea, as I know the evil of the other things which I have spoken of, though I have not tasted of the flesh of them.
'Verily verily I say unto you, if a man drink of evil he will perish, and a boy also. Wilt thou dispute that with the cup?'
And Arabin understood his meaning, and said unto him: 'I will.'
Then did Garimanthea try to restrain Arabin, but he was shaken off.
And Arabin advanced unto the chalice, and picked it up, and gazed upon the beauty of gold which was upon it, and on the liquid which was within it.
Then Arabin spoke, saying, 'Let the gods bear witness to the truth of my persuasions.'
23 And he drank, and did not suffer thereby.
Then Jarmuth Japhia Lachish seized the chalice with hands that were rough, for there was rage upon him.
And he addressed the gathering, saying, 'It's a trick! There's no hemlock in this!'
26 Then Jarmuth Lachish drank thereof.
And truly there was no hemlock within, but a mixture of wine and of that poison which is got from the seeds of nux vomica, and which is known as strychnine.
And the death of Jarmuth Lachish was terrible to behold.
Then those of the City Fathers who remained declared that they would take Emergency Executive Powers and have Arabin executed upon the spot.
30 Then was his need dire.
31 But one spoke, saying, 'Lo, behold me, for I am
Garimanthea the Mighty, barrister, solicitor and attorney at law, and I say unto you that your Order for Execution is null and void, and likewise your assumption of Emergency Executive Powers.'
32 And the City Fathers asked of him: 'Wherefore?'
33 Whereupon Garimanthea smiled a smile that was most terrible to see, saying unto them, 'Verily verily, I can count though a chicken cannot. How many heads do you need for a quorum?'
34 Then the City Fathers counted, and were dismayed.
35 For the death of Jarmuth Lachish had left them short of a quorum.
Therefore was the council automatically dissolved, and elections held.
And it happened that the glory of righteousness and the use of good gold brought Arabin lol Arabin and his team victory in those elections, and all power that was in the Free Port of Runcorn fell unto him.
38 And the rejoicing in the city was exceedingly great.