Whatever he was about to say, it was suddenly lost in one of the most intense dizzy spells he had ever experienced. The entire room seemed to swirl around him, and his head began to pound with remarkable pain. He grabbed his head and bowed under, swaying as he tried to stay on his feet, then he dropped unceremoniously on his rump, so hard that it made him bite his tongue. His brain felt like it had turned to liquid, and it was sloshing around inside his skull. And every time it piled up against the inside of his head it made a throb of considerable pain lash out from behind his eyes and roll right down his body.
He was dimly aware of large, strong hands on him, and when they touched him the pain eased greatly. He was a little dazed and somewhat confused, and he had almost no inkling of what had just happened. He looked up and saw Triana, and the only thing he could manage to think was to wonder when she had come into his room. Mist and Jesmind were there too, both of them kneeling by him with concerned looks, and he couldn't remember them coming in. He guessed it was a good thing Jesmind was there… he had to set her straight. It needed to be done, and-
– -no, wait. He'd been doing that. His brain slowly started to untangle itself, and he remembered shouting at her, and her and Mist nearly getting into a fight. The memory of most of it came back to him, but whatever he'd been saying right before he got dizzy was still lost in the haze. The room was still spinning around like a top, and it was only the Were-cats holding him that kept him from flopping back on the floor.
"What's wrong with him?" Jesmind said in intense concern, looking at Triana. "Is he sick? Should we take him to Jenna?"
"I think a little too much memory came back all at once, that's all," Triana said. "They tried restoring his memory before, but about all it did was what you just saw. Sometimes he remembers tiny bits and pieces of things, and whenever he does, it gives him a headache. I guess this time he remembered too much at once, and it nearly made him pass out." She patted his shoulder with her huge hand. "Just give him a few minutes, and he should be well enough to look straight."
He could certainly accept Triana's explanation. He did sometimes recall little things, and it gave him a good headache. He had no idea what he'd rememebered, but it must have been big, because he thought his head was going to explode. During that acute attack, if he'd had a sword in his hand, he would have happily lopped off his own head if only to make it stop hurting.
"I think we'd best not work him up," Triana said sternly. "I think when he got angry, it triggered that, and I don't think I want him to experience too many of those. They may do damage to his mind."
"What do we do?" Jesmind asked.
"We leave him alone," she said bluntly. "And I'd better not catch you arguing with him, daughter," she said flintily. "He doesn't need that kind of excitement right now."
That did not sit well with Jesmind, he could see. There was a distinct hardness in her eyes when she looked at him, almost as if what he'd said to her before he got dizzy had antagonized her, and now she was robbed of the opportunity to reply. He still couldn't remember what he was saying before he got dizzy, but from the look on Jesmind's face, it probably hadn't been very friendly.
"I think you three have done enough damage," Sapphire said from the bed table. "Put him in bed and leave."
"I think that's a good idea," Triana agreed. "Tarrin, you lay down a while. Don't get up until Sapphire tells you that it's alright. You need to rest. I'll tell Jenna about this, and she can send one of those Sorcerers down here to make sure that you didn't suffer any kind of mental damage."
"That would be prudent," Sapphire agreed.
Three pairs of powerful hands picked him up, but with the utmost gentleness. He still felt a little dazed, and his head was still spinning, but he could think rationally again. They set him in bed, and he obediently laid back and put his head on the pillow. That helped his dizzyness quite a bit, and the room went from spinning wildly to only feeling like it was slowly rotating around an axis just underneath the small of his back. The strange confusion he'd felt after the attack eased, and much of the memory of his confrontation with Jesmind returned to him, but he still could not remember what he'd said just before he fell over. He guessed that since it had been gleaned from the forgotten memory, he forgot it when the memory fled from him.
"Just lay back and try to rest. I'll have Jenna send someone to check on you," Triana said in a reassuring voice, brushing the hair back from his forehead gently. She had to be angry with him, but he saw that she still considered him one of her children. Triana didn't show such softness to anyone that wasn't her child. "Will you remain with him, dragon?"
"I will care for him as long as is needed," she said simply.
Triana nodded, knowing that her child was in good hands. "Alright, let's get you two out of here before he gets angry again," she told Jesmind and Mist. "I'll be back a little later to check on you cub."
"Alright," he said in a disjointed manner, feeling the room stop spinning horizontally and start spinning vertically. He grabbed the bed as it seemed to stand on end, and he was afraid that he was about to slide out of it.
They left him after that, and in a way, he was relieved. He really wasn't sure if he was done fighting with Jesmind, mainly because he couldn't remember what he'd said to her. In any event, their argument was on hold for now, and he doubted that Triana was going to let it degenerate to that level again. If he suffered these large flashbacks and the ensuing major attack that accompanied them when he got angry, then Triana wouldn't let him get angry.
If anything, he'd know in a while.
Jenna had sent Koran Dar not ten minutes after Triana hustled the other two Were-cats out the door. He knew so because he'd watched the clock hanging on his wall. His dizziness eased considerably over those ten minutes, enough to where he didn't have to hold onto the bed, but it got worse whenever he tried to sit up. Sapphire discouraged him from trying that by sitting on his chest. Her slight weight couldn't possibly hold him down, but when she stared at him with those reptilian eyes and told him not to get up, he couldn't really do much other than obey her.
Sapphire filled him in on what he said to Jesmind, what he couldn't remember, and he almost whistled. He had no idea any of that had happened, but he'd sounded plenty mad. Jesmind had accused him of being unfaithful, when in one case he never knew he was taken, and in the other she'd all but handed him to her competitor. It let him understand her seething hatred of Auli a little better. She thought that he was going to fall in love with her too, like he had with Kimmie, and if that happened, he wouldn't want to be a Were-cat again. She wasn't about to take his word for it, either. She obviously felt that him giving his word wasn't enough. He had the feeling that he may have made some kind of promise to her over Kimmie, one that he hadn't kept. A promise not to touch her or something, he wasn't sure. He couldn't remember anything about that.
Sometimes it was beyond frustrating. He knew that the answer was there, but he just couldn't remember what he needed to remember to find it. Having amnesia was at times a little interesting, since everything seemed new to him, but most of the time it was just a royal pain. People said things to him that he knew had to have some deeper meaning, but he'd lost the knowledge that would let him see it. Most of them didn't quite know how to treat him, and most of the things they talked about were beyond him. He knew that was why Keritanima and Allia hadn't been coming to see him quite as often as they had before. But then again, Kerri was married-and Teleporting back and forth between the Tower and Wikuna-and Allia had her own boyfriend. He couldn't begrudge either of them the chance to enjoy their own domestic lives, but a part of him felt that since they just didn't know or understand him as he was now, they weren't quite as willing to spend time with him. He wasn't really mad at them for it. Then again, he really didn't know either of them very well. He had to take it on faith that Allia was the closest friend he had and ever would have, and Keritanima was just as close to him as any other member of his family.
At least Allia made an effort to visit him every day. Even if was for just a few minutes, and often in the company of that Sha'Kar boyfriend of hers, Allyn, she would always stop by and have a chat, or they would go eat. Keritanima was much more sporadic, than that.
He couldn't really blame them. He knew they worried about him, but he was a stranger to them now. He was probably alot stranger to them than they ever imagined. From what he'd heard, he was very much different from the Tarrin they knew. He knew it had to be hard on them to come and talk to him and try to be upbeat and positive, when the radical alterations in both mind and body were so apparent, so blaringly obvious to them. He himself, to his own chiding, didn't miss their company as much as he knew he should have. He was a stranger to them, but they were also strangers to him. They called themselves his friend, but their friendship was virtually one-sided. Oh, he liked them, but he just didn't know them well enough to feel for them the same way they felt for him. About the only exceptions to that were Dolanna and Dar. He trusted Dolanna a great deal and he both liked and respected her, and he'd managed to learn that that was exactly how the Were-cat Tarrin felt about her too. That Tarrin, who dominated everyone around him, bowed to Dolanna in almost all things because of the towering respect he had for the diminutive Sorceress. Dar was also someone he very much called friend, but probably for different reasons. The Were-cat Tarrin probably had never seen Dar as a boy around his own age, someone that would understand the things he said in ways that most of the others never could. Dar understood becuase he could see it from a much more personal perspective.
There were also new friends. Koran Dar, he decided, was one of them. Tarrin rather liked the tall, dark-haired Amazon man, and he allowed him to do his magical examination without raising any fuss after he arrived. He answered all his questions as well as he could, and tried to relax when he felt that magic spell go into his mind and look around. He could only remember what happened last time Koran Dar snooped around his mind, when the Cat had attacked him. He didn't want that to happen again, and from the feel of it, neither did he. He was very careful this time not to wander into the deeper parts of Tarrin's mind, only checking around near the surface and looking for any signs that the attack had done him lasting harm.
"Well, that's that," he said with a nod. "Nothing's broken. The dizziness and disorientation you're feeling will fade after a while. Until then, stay in bed, see if you can take a short nap, and it would be a good idea for you to try to get some food down. I'll have the kitchens send you up something."
"Thanks," Tarrin said as the Amazon man rose from the side of his bed and started towards the door. "Koran Dar," he called.
"What is it?"
"I'm confused about something."
Koran Dar stopped in midstride, turned around, and sat back down on the bed. "What's troubling you?"
"It's nothing really serious," he said. "When I got all those gifts, Camara Tal gave me something," he said, pointing to the little steel charm sitting on the bedtable. "She said in her note that she'd been carrying it around for years, and she called it a hope charm. I don't really understand what she was trying to say, but I know there's more to it than that. What does it mean?"
Koran Dar picked up the little steel trinket, turned it over in his hands a few times, then chuckled softly. "She was carrying this because of me," he said in a distant tone. "I guess it's another indication of just how she feels about me. A hope charm is something an Amazon carries when they have a unfulfilled dream or wish," he explained. "It's said that if you carry it long enough and prove your devotion to Neme, she'll grant your wish. I guess this proves that old story," he chuckled again.
"What, you reconciled with her?" he asked.
Koran Dar nodded. "After all this business with the Firestaff is over, I'll be going back to Amazar for a year," he answered. "After that, I'll be resuming my duties here in the Tower. The Sha'Kar already agreed to ferry me back and forth until I can do for myself."
"That was nice of them."
"Jenna made them agree," Koran Dar laughed. "She may be young, but that's one steely little girl sometimes. She's definitely your sister."
"I guess that's a complement," he said uncertainly.
Koran Dar laughed heartily. "Yes, it is. It's funny that she gave this to you. You're the reason she's not carrying it anymore."
"Me? Why me?"
"Because sometimes, Tarrin, the best advice can come from the most unexpected sources," he replied with a smile. "Your reasoning made me think about things. I love Camara very much, but before now, she was never willing to concede anything to me, because of her pride and her social standing in Amazon society. I guess I was never willing to concede anything to her either, because I've always been very indignant about how I'm treated in our society. We were both too stubborn to give a finger, and it cost us years of potential happiness," he sighed. "But then you come along and revealed to me just how she felt about me, and how much she wanted me back. It made me realize just how much I wanted that very thing. We got together a few days ago and put everything on the table. She made some concessions, I made some concessions, and we realized that we've wasted fifteen years on petty bickering and foolish pride. If we'd been honest with each other and done this fifteen years ago, we could have been very happy."
"I'm glad to hear that, Koran Dar," he said.
"I guess I shouldn't let you call me that," he chuckled. "At least don't do it when Camara's around. My married name is Koran Tal."
"You take her name?"
"Women are dominant in Amazar," he reminded him. "In our society, the man takes the woman's family name."
"Huh," Tarrin mused, mulling it over. "Well, I'm happy things worked out for you, Koran-uh, Koran Tal."
"Thank you," Koran Tal said with a smile. "Now then, let me go get that dragon back in here and arrange for a meal to be sent up here. Remember, stay in bed for a while, no excitement, and if you can, see if you can take a short nap. A little sleep will speed along your recovery."
"I will," he said, accepting the hope charm from the Amazon man and holding a moment. "I think I'm going to carry this with me. Maybe it will help me out."
"What wish would you put on the hope charm, Tarrin?" he asked. "It won't do anything unless you do."
"That's easy, Koran Tal. I wish that everything works out alright. That nothing bad happens because of the Firestaff, and after all this is over, we can all go home and live happily ever after."
"That, my young friend, is the best wish I've ever heard," he said seriously, reaching over and putting his hand on Tarrin's shoulder. "I'll pray to the Goddess for that, Tarrin."
"Me too," he said, then he yawned. "I don't think me taking a nap is going to be a problem. I do feel a little sleepy."
"Then lay back and rest, and try to get a little sleep. But not too much," he warned. "I'll tell Sapphire to wake you when the food arrives. After you eat, then you can sleep as long as you want."
"Alright," he said. "Thanks."
"It's nothing," he said with a smile. "I'll see you later."
Tarrin watched him leave, then felt the bed tilt in a new way, now rolling over and over like an alligator rolling food to death. It was starting to get strangely entertaining to have the bed feeling like it was spinning, almost like he was flying. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, letting the spinning of the bed act almost like the rocking of a cradle.
Tarrin's breakfast with Auli was more or less cancelled by his confrontation with the Were-cats, but he did manage to meet her for lunch. After a nap, a meal, and another short nap, he had awoken free of the dizziness and mild disorientation that had restricted him to bed. By noon, he felt right as rain and ready to get up, and after Sapphire made him walk a straight line up and down five times, she allowed him to get up and go about.
It was a meal both of quiet relaxation and subdued tensions. Tarrin liked Auli a great deal, but it was a little strange to be there and talk with her with Sapphire hovering over him. He knew that there was no way around that, but he was pretty sure that she'd be discreet if she happened to overhear anything that was private. Auli completely understood why he wasn't there for breakfast, and just laughed and told him better late than never. They took their plates outside and ate in the summer sun in the gardens, where the magic kept the air pleasantly cool and the sun was delightfully warm. Tarrin and Auli weren't the only ones out enjoying the perfect cloudless day, as many Sorcerers also sat with plates or books in their laps, doing their eating or their studying out in the beautiful day. Beautiful days weren't very common in Suld, for the summer days tended to be cloudy, and rain wasn't uncommon during at least some part of the day. At least usually. That summer and the one before had been unusually dry, not quite a drought, but rather a dry stretch that had gone on for two years. The rains weren't as heavy or plentiful as usual, and the winter snows hadn't piled up even half as much as was normal, even though it was more than cold enough to keep it on the ground.
Tarrin always enjoyed spending time with Auli, and she didn't disappoint him. He just listened to her prattle on about this or that, complaining about the punishment her mother had given her for what she'd done, complaining about how boring it was in the Tower, and then suppressing laughter when she mused aloud about the things she could do to liven up the place a little. She behaved herself immaculately, not even putting a hand on him in passing. She kept him entertained and happily distracted all through lunch.
That was the enjoyable part. There had been a little discomfort for him at first, since she was who she was. All he could remember at first was that night, and he wasn't sure if he should treat her any differently than he had. She solved that by treating him the same way as always, so he tried to do the same with her. The desire for her was still there, it had not gone away, but he found after spending some time with her that it was easy to control.
The meal went along fine until his hunter's senses warned him that he was being watched. He didn't look around, but he realized that one of the Were-cats was watching him, and from the burning sensation on his neck, he was pretty sure that it was Jesmind. He didn't do anything about it, but he was a little distracted from then on as he tried to figure out where she was without giving away the fact that he knew she was there. He knew that was going to be very hard, because he'd come to find out that if a Were-cat didn't want to be seen, they usually weren't seen. They were masters of stealth, just like the cats of which they were part, and there was really no way to find her unless he made a show of it. Furtive scans of the area produced nothing, and that was about the most that he could do. So he kept one eye on the area around him and his ears attuned to Auli's chatter, making sure that the Were-cat didn't jump out and attack the Sha'Kar.
Things did get very tense when two of the Were-cats showed up in the gardens. It was Mist and Jula, and to his surprise, they was herding along two Were-cat children. One of them was Jasana, but the other, he realized, had to be Eron, his son. Tarrin had never seen him before, and he was amazed at how much he looked like a little version of himself. He had the same hair, the same face, and the same lanky frame that Tarrin had, but he had black fur on his arms and feet and little cat ears poking out from his wild, unkempt blond hair. He was chasing after Jasana, who was taunting him over her shoulder as she skipped along, while Eron tried his best to chase her down without tripping over his own big feet. Eron looked to be about two, maybe three, and though he was much more agile and physically developed than a human toddler, his ungainly movements showed that he was still rather clumsy, still mastering the nuances of moving himself around.
They saw him and Auli and immediately changed course to come over. Sapphire flapped her wings a few times on his shoulder and reset herself, as if to vault off his shoulder and intercede, but they weren't running and they didn't look belligerent. Tarrin was a bit tense, and Auli looked decidedly nervous as the two intimidating figures approached them at a leisurely pace.
"I didn't think you'd be out here," Mist told him. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, thank you," he said politely, unable to keep his eyes off the Were-cat boy long. "Is that-"
"Yes, that's your son, Tarrin," she said with a smile. "Eron!" she barked.
The boy gave off chasing Jasana immediately, but the girl passed him by when she saw her father. Sapphire evacuated his shoulder to the safety of the back of the bench as the two Were-cat children approached, as if knowing that she was about to get spilled when he bent over to pick them up. They both raced over to him, and Jasana jumped up into his lap and hugged him exuberantly. "Father, you're here!" she exclaimed happily, just as Eron reached Mist. He stopped short and hid behind her leg, looking up at Tarrin in surprise, and then gaping at Auli.
"Go ahead, Eron," she said, pushing him out from behind her with her large hands. "Go say hello."
The boy sidled up to him warily, then put his little hands on Tarrin's leg and looked up at him. "Are you my papa?" he asked in a slightly indistinct voice, as if not entirely sure of the pronunciation of the words he was using.
"Of course this is papa, lunkhead," Jasana said snippishly.
"Be nice!" Jula snapped in reprimand.
"Papa!" Eron said, then he climbed up Tarrin's leg using his claws. It was not a pleasant experience. Tarrin reached down and picked him up and held him as Jasana sat in his lap, looking into the child's intensely green eyes. So this was his son. He looked so much like him! He wasn't sure what he was supposed to feel, holding onto his son that way, but he did know that the first bonds of love were forming for him. Though he didn't know him at all, though he'd never seen him before, it really didn't matter. All that really mattered was that this was his son, named after his grandfather. Eron was his child, and he was beautiful.
"Hello Eron," Tarrin said calmly, holding onto him.
"Mama said you were sick. Is this what happens when we get sick?"
"It's a very rare illness," Tarrin said with a smile. "I don't think you'll ever get it."
"Nuts. I think you look neat like that."
Tarrin looked at Mist, who only laughed. He was surprised that he could form such complete sentences, and he was supposedly only a little over a year old. He guessed the Were-cats really did grow up fast, both in body and mind.
"What's it like to not have fur?"
"Just touch your tummy and you'll know," Tarrin winked. That wink turned into a wince when Eron's claws dug into his hip. "Not so hard, Eron," he chided gently. "I'm not as strong as your mother."
"Careful, cub," Mist warned. "Remember what I told you. Your father's sick, so you can't treat him the way you do me. You have to be gentle."
"Alright, Mama," he answered with a nod. "Who's this? Is the the mean lady Aunt Jesmind wants to kill?"
"I'm not a mean lady!" Auli said indignantly.
"She's a friend of mine, and your Aunt Jesmind has the wrong idea about her," Tarrin said mildly.
"Mama said you're trying to steal Papa," Jasana accused.
"What would I do with him, child?" Auli said with an outrageous grin. "I don't want to marry him, so what would I do with him except keep him as a pet? He's too big, I think he'd tear up the furniture, and I'm not entirely sure he's housebroken. He's really not worth stealing, if you ask me. Too much trouble, he doesn't know any tricks, and he eats too much. If I want to steal something, I'll steal a dog or a cat."
Jasana looked at her, and then a helpless giggle escaped her. Jesmind may hate Auli, but Tarrin saw that Jasana's opinions of her weren't quite so set in stone.
Tarrin put them both down after that, when Eron started to fidget too much, and he watched them play in silence for a long moment. He could see almost immediately that Eron was very much different from Jasana. Jasana was a sedate child, happy to sit and read books or play with her toys, where Eron absolutely could not stop moving. He had to run everywhere he went, and he had alot of trouble sitting still for very long. He understood just how hard it was for him when he came back over and climbed into Tarrin's lap as Jasana chased one of the many butterflies in the gardens, chattering on and on and on at such a high rate of speed that Tarrin could barely understand him. He talked about his cabin and the trip to Suld and seeing Triana and being with Jasana again and how big his bed was here in the Tower and how big and scary the Knights looked and how everyone was so nice to him despite what his mother said about humans and how good the food was. Tarrin could barely put in a word edgewise, and eventually just gave up and let him ramble on until he ran out of patience with sitting down, then set him down and let him go chase Jasana again.
"He's talkative," Auli noted.
"He can't sit still a minute," Mist sighed. "It's a phase or something. He's been driving me crazy for almost a month now with it."
"I'm surprised he can talk so well," Tarrin told her.
"He's about where he should be," she answered.
Tarrin looked at Jula, and realized that she was being unusually quiet. She hadn't even said a word yet. He looked to her and then to Mist, and realized that Jula was almost terrified of the short, stocky Were-cat. She was doing a good job hiding it, but Jula tensed up every time Mist so much as moved. "How are you, Jula?" he asked casually.
"I'm fine," she said in a slightly strained voice. "I'm just watching Jasana for a while, that's all."
"Have you two known each other long?"
"Just a couple of days," Mist said, glancing at the blond Were-cat. "I haven't made up my mind about her yet."
Tarrin was pretty sure that there were any number of subtle levels present in that one statement. It certainly put Jula in a submissive mood, he could tell. She wasn't about to challenge Mist over anything. Then again, they said that Mist was the one that caught Jesmind. She had to be a pretty formidable Were-cat to be able to do that. She wasn't as big as any other Were-cat he'd seen, but Tarrin knew personally that size wasn't everything.
"I have to get back to my classes, Tarrin," Auli announced. "I'll see you tonight?"
"After dinner," he affirmed.
"Don't forget Dar," she reminded.
"I won't."
She smiled at him, patted him on the shoulder, then got up and gave the two Were-cats a sidelong glance. Then she saunted back towards the main Tower.
"What are you two going to do?" Mist asked.
"Three," Tarrin corrected. "Me and Dar and Auli are going to go out walking for a while. That's usually a precursor to her getting us in trouble," he chuckled ruefully. "Of course, we think it's great fun while we're doing it, at least until we get caught. Auli's a very wild-natured girl."
"So I've heard," Mist said flintily.
"Don't let Jesmind poison you, Mist," Tarrin said. "If you knew Auli at all, you'd understand why she did what she did. It's not out of her nature. But now she understands how much trouble she got me into, and that's one thing she really regrets. We're not going to fool around again, but we're also not going to stop being friends."
"I don't think you tried very hard to get away," she noted.
"I did try, but after she cornered me, I gave up," he admitted. "And by then I didn't want to try anymore. I'm not dead, Mist. Just look at her. Auli is beautiful."
Mist actually laughed. "She is that," she agreed. "Not much else, but she is beautiful."
"I'm surprised you're not as angry as Jesmind," he told her.
"I'm not as foolish as she is," Mist snorted. "Unlike her, I trust you, Tarrin. I know that when you get your memory back, you'll choose to be with us again. I have faith in you, because I know you, and I'm not going to let my jealousy rule me as it is with Jesmind."
"You know me that well?"
"Tarrin, anyone that knows you at all knows what you'll do if you get your memory back," she said confidently. "Some of them don't like it, because they want to see you stay human, but they know which path you'll take. That's why I'm not going crazy like Jesmind. That's why Kimmie isn't either. She's busy helping that crazy Wizard with that magic to restore your memory, and it's why she has the patience and concentration to be able to help him. She knows, just like I know. If Jesmind wasn't thinking with something other than her brain, she'd know too. And she'd know how silly she's being."
"I really don't know what I'm going to do, Mist," he admitted.
"You can't, not until you get your memory back," she told him calmly. "So what difference does any of this really make? Until they finish their magic, all any of us can do is wait." She looked at him. "And if you want to live a little like this, do some of those things humans do that you can't do anymore, have a little harmless fun, even do a little mattress hopping with wanton Sha'Kar, why should I care? It won't change things. When you get your memory back, who you were will be all you need to make your decision. I believe that with all my heart."
Tarrin was a little surprised by the vehemence in her voice and in her words. She really did believe what she was saying. She really thought that once he got his memory back, those memories would have him choose to be a Were-cat again no matter what happened to him as a human. He knew he couldn't make an honest, thorough decision until he got back his memory, but he was a little dismayed that those memories may take away his ability to choose. He remembered what that Goddess lady had said, that once he got his memory back he'd want to change back again. That he'd feel unnatural the way he was now. Was that really true? Would regaining his memory really make him not want to make a true choice between his old life and his new one?
That was an irrational thought, and he knew it. He couldn't decide which life was the better one until he could remember them both. If he'd choose to be a Were-cat with his former memory, didn't that mean that despite the strife and ordeals he had suffered, he had found true happiness in that life? Wouldn't that be enough of a reason to change back? After all, he had children and something approaching wives in that other life. Wouldn't returning to them make him very happy indeed?
Probably, but not until he really got Jesmind for her behavior. He was tempted to tell her he was staying human just to rub her nose in it a little bit. He still intended to keep an open mind about that future decision, but he did feel a little better about whichever choice he made. He could choose either of them and have a very good chance to be happy. Either as a Were-cat or as a human, he could continue on after that choice and probably have no regrets, because he knew he'd be happy with the choice he made. No matter which path he chose.
So, if he couldn't lose no matter which way he decided to go, why worry so much about it? He should approach it like Mist said, just enjoy the time he had as a human and leave the heavy thinking for later, when he had all he needed to make that decision.
"I'm glad someone told me that, Mist," he said with a grateful look, standing up. "I think I will go enjoy myself. And the first thing I'm going to do is go over there and play with my children."
"I think they'd be happy to have you. Just watch out, Eron likes to claw when things get rough."
"I'll keep that in mind," he said. "If you'll excuse me."
"Go right ahead," Mist said with a smile, stepping aside to let him pass. The two Were-cats sat down on the bench he and Auli had been occupying, and Tarrin did just what he said. He went over and played with his children. He did so for hours, playing games, chasing them, talking with them, and just spending quality time with them. He came to know Eron very well, and found him to be a rather hyper boy, but also possessed of a sharp mind and an almost unnatural awareness of things. He also had a good memory, allowing him to remember those tiny things that he noticed that others did not. Him and Jasana were very close, siblings by more than blood, and they complemented each other well. He was very proud to have such talented and capable children as them. Just as he had with Jasana, Tarrin formed an immediate bond with Eron, finding the kind of love that only a parent could have for a child in his heart. No matter what, Eron was his son, and he would love him. Be him human or Were-cat, with him or away from him, dead or alive, it was an eternal bond that could never be broken. Tarrin realized that Eron was much different from Jasana in that he didn't show Jasana's devotion to him. He was sure that Eron liked him, liked being with him, but it was more like he was a friend of the family than his father. Mist was all the family that Eron had ever known, perhaps that was why he acted like that. He knew that Were-cats were alot different from humans, and their children were also much different. Was Eron's behavior part of that? Tarrin suspected that it was. It didn't make Tarrin love him any less, though.
After the two children had thoroughly worn him out, he lay with them in the lush grass off one of the gravel paths, looking up at the few clouds that were drifting in the afternoon sky. A glance showed him that both Were-cat females and Sapphire were still sitting on the bench, and to his surprise, Sapphire was talking with them. Then again, why should it be a surprise? Sapphire was a dragon, a mighty and powerful creature, but she also liked to talk with people smart enough to keep up with her. He felt that both Mist and Jula qualified. Sapphire didn't stay very long after that, saying something to the two of them and flappping off. Sapphire obviously felt secure leaving Tarrin in their company, and he didn't really expect her to compeletely suspend her own life to shepard him aorund.
"That one looks like a bunny," Eron bubbled, pointing into the sky with his little clawed finger. Tarrin was truly surprised that Eron had managed to sit still for nearly ten minutes, as they looked up into the sky. Perhaps after all that running, even Eron needed to stop and rest a little bit.
"What are clouds made of, papa?" Jasana asked.
"Clouds are just fog way up in the sky," he told her.
"How do you know?" Eron asked.
"Your grandfather told me," he said. "He went to the Skydancer Mountains once, and he told me that the clouds are low enough that the peaks of the mountains are inside them. He climbed up one of them and found out that clouds are really just fog that doesn't burn off with the daytime sun."
"You mean if we were really far away, fog would look like a cloud?" Eron asked.
"I suppose it would," Tarrin agreed, impressed anew with his son's keen observational ability.
"Have you ever been to the mountains?" Eron asked.
"No. But there was this one time," he said distantly, staring up at the sky. "I, I remember… climbing up the side of a huge rock wall, so high that it climbed into the clouds." He blinked, and then winced as a shock of pain hammered in his head. That had to be another memory. This one came with images, a dark stone face, seeing black-furred hands, huge hands, digging into the stone with their claws…
His hands.
Tarrin held up his arm and looked at his hand, comparing them. That furry hand was almost three times bigger than this one. Truly huge, and tipped with claws nearly as long as his little fingers were. So, that was what his hands had looked like. They were definitely Were-cat, that was for sure.
"Mama told me about that," Jasana said. "She said you did that in the desert."
"I guess I did, Jasana. I really can't remember."
"How can you remember that, but not remember anything else?" Eron asked.
"I only have little bits and pieces of my memory, son," he answered. "And sometimes someone will say or do something that makes me remember a little bit more. Like it jars my memory."
"Oh. If I hit you in the head, wouldn't that jar all your memory back?"
Tarrin laughed. "It'd probably knock me out," he told him. "No, it wouldn't do any good, son. They've already tried that."
"Oh. Are you sure they hit you hard enough?"
"I'm sure," he laughed again.
"I'm hungry," Eron complained.
"Me too," Jasana agreed.
"Well, so am I," Tarrin chuckled. "So let's go get something to eat."
After collecting up Jula and Mist, they went down to the kitchens and got some food. Tarrin stepped back and more or less unleashed his children on the hapless cooks and servants, who struggled to keep an eye on their cooking and keep the two of them out of trouble at the same time. Eron was definitely the worse of the two, trying to put his hands in everything, getting underfoot, and doing his best to disrupt the entire kitchen. They finally decided on what they wanted, and they left the kitchens with plates full of food and a staff of exhausted, frazzled cooks.
Tarrin's good mood evaporated when, as they turned a corner, they found Jesmind standing squarely in the middle of the passageway. She was fully erect, her arms crossed before her, a very aggressive stance, and the look on her face reinforced that assumption. Jasana went up to her and tried to get her to pick her up, but Jesmind ignored her daughter, keeping a withering gaze on Tarrin. Jasana's crestfallen look was lost on her mother, and Tarrin realized that she wasn't going to let him pass without giving him a piece of her mind.
Sighing, he handed his small plate of fresh tarts to Jula. "Here, you take this," he said. "I get the feeling I'm about to lose my appetite."
Jula gave him a compassionate look, then nodded and took the plate.
Mist, however, proved to be more than just an acquaintance to him. She marched right up to the larger Were-cat and looked up at her. Tarrin couldn't see her expression, but it made Jesmind's furious look waver. "Get out of my way," Mist said flatly to her.
Tarrin learned one thing at that point. Jesmind was afraid of Mist. She reluctantly stepped aside, glowering at the smaller Were-cat as her ears seemed to strain to lay back, but did not. He didn't really understand Were-cat society very well, but it was obvious that Mist occupied a higher rung than Jesmind. That, or Mist would kick her butt if she didn't obey her, one or the other. Probably both.
"Come on, Eron," Mist said. "I think your father needs to straighten out your aunt."
Eron obediently came up and put his little hand in hers, and then padded up the hall. Jula stepped back after beckoning to Jasana, and the little girl evacuated the area between her parents.
Jesmind didn't waste any time. She blocked the passage again after Mist passed and pointed at him. "How dare you bring my daughter within spitting distance of that Sha'Kar!" she accused hotly.
"And how would you know that, unless you were following me?" Tarrin retorted. "Isn't that exactly what I told you not to do?"
"Make me," she hissed. "You're too weak to tell me to do anything, cub."
That was just about enough. "There are many kinds of power, Jesmind," he said with a glare. "I may not be able to make you stop following me around, but I can make sure it stops. Go pack your things, Jesmind. You're going to be spending the next few days in an inn."
"You wouldn't dare," she declared indignantly, stepping up to loom over him.
He didn't even blink. "I would dare," he replied evenly, completely unafraid of her. "If you won't leave me alone, I'll see to it that you're not here to bother me."
"If you do that, you're never going to see your daughter again," she hissed.
"An empty threat," Tarrin said grimly, taking a single step back. He'd never seen her get this belligerent before, and he was starting to doubt his seeming immunity to her wrath. "Jasana can't leave the Tower. If you go, Jesmind, you go alone. Remember that."
Tarrin realized almost immediately that that was the wrong thing to say. He'd just threatened Jesmind's rights to her daughter, and since she was half animal, the protective instincts concerning her children were very powerful. Jesmind's eyes erupted from within with a brilliant greenish radiance, making her eyes two glowing slits of evil green. With blazing speed, Jesmind reached down and grabbed him by his new shirt and then hauled him off the ground. She held him at arm's length, cocking back her other arm with her claws extended, as if to hit him with it. Tarrin responded out of reflex, causing his staff to come out of the elsewhere and appear in his right hand. With exceptional aim, he jammed the long weapon straight down and struck the top of Jesmind's foot, cracking the bones in the top of it. Jesmind hissed in pain and let go out of reflex, and Tarrin took a quick two steps back and levelled his staff at her in the end-grip. He was still too startled to be afraid, shocked that she would do such a thing.
Hurting her was probably taking things a little too far. With a growling cry of pain and outrage, Jesmind reached out towards him with those claws leading. Tarrin reacted quickly by jabbing Jesmind squarely in the face with his staff, snapping her head back and faltering her reach towards him. The Were-cat grabbed the staff with her clawed and and wrested it aside, but Tarrin didn't abandon his hold on it quite yet.
"Stop it!" someone shouted, and then someone grabbed the staff. Someone short. Tarrin and Jesmind both looked down to see a teary-eyed Jasana, grabbing the staff and tugging on it with all her might. "Don't fight! You promised me you wouldn't fight anymore!" she accused in a sobby voice.
Tarrin let go of the staff like it was a live snake, not wanting to even accidentally hurt his daughter. To his surprise, Jesmind did the same, and the little girl yanked the weapon away. "I hate it when you two fight!" she cried. "Just stop it!"
"Cub, I-" Jesmind started in a contrite voice, but Jasana threw the staff down and ran down the hall, her bawling audible almost down to the stairs. She was running towards the stairs leading up to Jesmind's apartment.
Tarrin felt both embarassed and a little foolish. Jesmind probably wouldn't have hurt him. There was no reason for him to react that way. She was just trying to scare him, that was all. Jesmind was looking towards her daughter. "I'm, sorry," he apologized. "I shouldn't have hit you."
"I shouldn't have grabbed you," Jesmind said in a reluctant voice. "I'll go talk to her. Jula, stay with him. We can't leave him alone."
Jesmind rushed off after her daughter, and Tarrin sighed. Picking up his staff, he tried to figure out how that had gotten out of control. She had made the mistake of grabbing him, and he'd made the mistake of threatening her parental duties with Jasana. He hadn't meant it as a threat, only as a way to deflate her threat to withold his time with his daughter. But after he thought about how he said what he said, it certainly did sound like a threat. So both of them were at fault.
"Well, that was exciting," Jula said in a calm voice as Tarrin sent his staff back into the elsewhere. He was getting really good at that.
"I didn't mean for that to happen," he sighed.
"It's nothing major, Tarrin," she told him. "Jesmind is probably going to respect you a little more now. You fought back against her, and she'll have to respect that. The fact that you're you will make her see that if she gets physical with you again, she's going to hurt you because you're not just going to fold up as soon as she tries to intimidate you. She's not going to hurt you, so she can't do that again."
"Maybe, but I'm really sorry Jasana got so upset."
"Jasana wants you and Jesmind to be a family with her," she said soberly. "That girl has alot more human in her than most. Most are like Eron. He likes you, but you're not quite so central in his life. I think you noticed that."
"I did," he agreed.
"Jasana's alot like a human child. She wants her mother and her father. Eron knows that you're his father, but it doesn't matter to him quite as much. The mothers are all the family that most Were-cat children ever know. Few even meet their fathers until they're adults."
"I didn't know that. Who told you?"
"You did," she said with a smile. "Now, let's get you back to your room where Sapphire can find you."
There were consequences of what happened, he was sure of that. It also didn't take very long to find out what they were, for both of them.
He wasn't there to see it, but Jula came down and told him what happened not long after he returned ot his room. Jenna had gone up there and basicly thrown a fit on Jesmind, ordering her to back off and warning her that she would be exiled from the Tower if she could not control herself or obey Jenna's orders. That his sister had the nerve to do something like that was one thing, but to have Jesmind agree was something completely different. He'd marvelled many times since coming back to Suld at how much his sister had changed, and that act had to be the biggest indicator. The mild, meek Jenna he knew from Aldreth would never have done that.
Tarrin didn't escape unscathed. Jenna unleashed her temper on Jesmind, but Tarrin got it from Sapphire. She railed at him for quite a while about keeping himself safe, about not antagonizing Jesmind since Auli was probably antagonism enough, and how he had nearly ruined her day by nearly getting himself killed at Jesmind's hands. Tarrin tried to explain, tried to tell her that it was all just a big misunderstanding, but she wouldn't hear of it. She somehow managed to make him feel guilty over the inconvenience and hardship his actions had placed on her, rather than the fact that he'd just gotten into a fight with someone that it was not wise to annoy. Then again, Sapphire was a dragon. She'd had that me mentality long before she'd met him. Big and powerful creatures tended to think that the whole world revolved around them anyway.
Others weren't quite so fast to chide him, however. Allia came in for a visit not long after he returned to his room, and she told him that he should have hit her harder. Keritanima blew the whole thing off as yet another in a very long string of spats between the two of them. The circumstances had changed slightly, she had joked, but the end result never did seem to change.
For his own part, he was a bit sorry that it had come to that, sorry he'd made that mistake, but he wasn't sorry about holding his ground. He knew that if he knuckled under to Jesmind, she would just use that crack to split all his defenses in half and overwhelm him. Jesmind seemed incapable of taking him seriously, and he was pretty sure it was that Were-cat mentality that the others had described to him. They based almost their entire society on personal strength. She considered him a part of that society, but since he had lost all his strength, he had comparably lost all his position. She saw herself as over him now, and she probably was very upset that he wasn't obeying her. After all, to her, it was what he was supposed to do. She was thinking of him as a Were-cat, not as a human, and that was where all the problems were coming from. It was even worse because she didn't even want to think about treating him like a human, he was sure of that. He'd gotten to know Jesmind pretty well from Jula's descriptions, and he knew that if she told herself to think of him as a human, it would hit on that very raw nerve about his precarious position, at least in her eyes. If she thought of him as a human, he may decide to stay so. That was an irrational concept, but he knew, he just knew, that it had gone through Jesmind's mind at least once already. Unable to accept him as a human but unable to treat him like a Were-cat, it left her in a very bad trap. And it was a trap that was only serving to drive the two of them apart. Tarrin wasn't the Tarrin she'd once known, and his change in personality was not meshing well with her treatment of him.
That was what was so frustrating. She could understand it all and be assured if she'd just talk to him, accept what was going on, but she absolutely did not want to do that. She didn't want to know him as a human, she didn't want to see any side of the problem but her own. She was not going to budge from her position, and that position was that he was a Were-cat, and by all the gods, he was going to be one again. That also frustrated him, because he was sincerely curious about her. She was the mother of his child, after all, and he had the feeling that if she'd just talk to him, they could be friends. But she didn't want to deal with him at all, not as a human. She wanted the Were-cat back, and that made her totally reject him as a human.
They were simple things, but he had the feeling that he was right. It certainly explained alot about how she was acting. He described his feelings to Triana when she came to check on him not long afterward, and she could only smile at him in that strange way of hers and nod in agreement.
"You're full of surprises, cub," she said. "I thought alot of what you are came from the Were in you. I see that was a wrong conclusion. You're probably one of the most remarkable humans I've ever met."
Tarrin was rather thrilled by that complement, and the fact that she seemed to have accepted the fact that for right now, he was human. "Why won't she listen?" he complained. "Why won't she understand?"
"Cub, there's one simple constant in the universe, and that's that there are absolutely no bounds to that cub's stubbornness. She's dug in her heels, and there's nothing that anyone can say to move her. Not you, not me, not even if all the gods came down from the sky and wrote it out for her on a steel tablet in flaming letters. The only thing that's going to change her mind is her. And that's going to take time." She snorted. "Jesmind was born with the two worst combination of traits. She has a short temper and a wide stubborn streak. They've gotten her in no end of trouble over the years."
"I can imagine," he sighed. That really was a bad combination. It meant that she was very easy to anger, but her stubborn nature would make her unwilling or unable to forgive or forget. There were probably a long line of people she'd once called friend, but were now on her black list because of past slights that any other Were-cat would have forgiven long ago. "She's easy to anger, but she won't get over what made her mad."
"Exactly. There's one example of that that you'll remember when you get your memory back, and that's Rahnee. She and Jesmind were best friends, then Rahnee seduced Jesmind's mate at the time. That's not too serious among our kind, but it is against the rules, and Jesmind had a right to be angry. But where most females would have let it go after a few rides, Jesmind wouldn't. She wouldn't talk to Rahnee for over a hundred years because of that. That's how she is, cub. You can't change her, you just have to learn to work around it."
"I don't think I'm going to be able to do that," he sighed.
"Probably not," she agreed. "And since you can't change her mind, the best thing to do is just avoid her. She's more angry with herself right now, but even that won't last long if you show up."
"Why is she angry with herself?"
"Because she almost hurt you," she answered bluntly.
"She wouldn't have hurt me," he said dismissively.
"I'm glad you think that, cub," Triana sarcastically, said with an intense stare. "It's a good way to get your neck broken. Jesmind will hurt you if you make her angry enough. It won't matter how much she loves you or how careful she's being. It's all a part of our natures, I told you that. If you enrage her, nothing is going to protect you from her. She's tried to kill me several times, and she meant it when she did it."
"Why would she do that?" Tarrin gasped.
"Because I made her that mad," she answered bluntly. "And if she'll take a swipe at me, cub, don't ever think that she wouldn't do the same to you."
Tarrin was a bit worried about that statement. "Maybe, maybe I should avoid her for a while," he said in a hesitant voice.
"I think that's a good idea," Triana agreed. "And if she confronts you, keep what I said in mind. It's alright to stand up to her, but for the forest's sake, don't get physical with her, and don't do whatever it was you did that set her off this time."
"I know what happened," he said glumly. "It's my fault, Triana." He quickly told her about his error in choice of words, which turned a rather innocent exposure of the falseness of her threat to refuse his rights to see Jasana into a very real threat against her rights to her daughter.
"That would do it, alright," she grunted. "You hit the one nerve bigger than her love for you. I suggest you don't do that again."
"I won't, I promise," he said fervently.
"Good. I'll be back later, cub."
"Alright," he acknowledged.
When Triana left, he was a little less assured of the whole thing. He knew now that Jesmind could be dangerous, but only if he did something very wrong. The problem he could see now was that he wasn't sure what was in the forbidden zone anymore. He'd got her mad and said some bad things to her. He still did not intend to break off his frienship with Auli, and that was certain to infuriate her. So maybe what Triana said was for the best. Maybe just staying out of Jesmind's way was the best thing to do. If he wanted to see Jasana, Jula could arrange that for him. Her or Mist. Either way, he could continue spending time with his children without having to worry about saying something in passing that may get Jesmind just that mad.
The incident with Jesmind passed over the course of the day, and Tarrin worried less and less about it. He didn't worry about it at all once sunset came, and Auli and Dar knocked conspiratorially on his door. He did manage to convince Sapphire that he'd be quite safe with two Sorcerers along with him, but he was sure that she could see through his subterfuge. For whatever reason she had, he was very thankful for it when she deigned to let him go out with Auli and Dar without her accompanying him.
That turned out to be a good thing. Auli wasted no time in taking command of the host, and she immediately bent them to causing mischief. The first act of the evening was to go down into the baths and change the color of the water into something that very closely resembled blood. While people were bathing. It didn't really phase the Sorcerers, since they probably knew that someone had just used magic, but it caused a hysterical fit among the Novices and few Initiates that were currently using the pool.
That was just the start. Auli managed to get Dar into the spirit of things, and it wasn't long before Illusions stalked the halls scaring people, or the baked rolls cooling on a kitchen table were suddenly filled with live worms, or some of the suits of armor that served as decorations along the halls on the lower floors started moving around by themselves, figures in the paintings and tapestries started to move around in them, or passages and intersections suddenly seemed to change directions or disappear, thanks to Dar's Illusions. Auli ran the gambit of the Tower in that one night, coaxing Dar into helping her cause magical mischief, while Tarrin could only watch and struggle not to give them away every time he all but exploded into laughter.
In one short night, Auli and Dar had managed to infuriate, scare, terrorize, confuse or shock almost everyone in the Tower. From the horde of rats in the cellars to the rather risque image of a Sorceress holding open her robe that now adorned the top of the South Tower for all of Suld to see, from the cute, pink, floppy-eared, horse-sized rabbits that were grazing on grass on the east side of the grounds to the smith's forge that had water gushing out of the furnace on the west side, Auli made sure to leave no part of the ground untouched by their night's marauding. The worm-filled rolls seemed to be the pinnacle of the evening's activities, for it turned out that they were served to the Novices for dinner. The screams of horror and disgust were audible down almost every passage and hallway. Though it certainly was not a fun night for most of the Tower residents, it was grand fun for the three of them. The only place they didn't go to cause trouble was the Knights Academy, and it wasn't because Auli didn't want to go. She had this great idea to scare all the cadets and make them run out of their barracks, and all because she wanted to see how many of them were naked. But Tarrin intervened rather forcefully at that point. Since he was a Knight, he felt it his duty to protect the order from Auli. At least not without the permission of the Lord General, anyway. He knew that Darvon may very well approve of such a thing, to give the cadets an exercise in dealing with the unexpected. Auli saw no reason to do it if the "wrinkled-up old boring Elders" knew about it or condoned it. But when Dar teased her about only wanting to do it to see the cadets naked, she actually seemed to reconsider. Perhaps Auli's desire to see the cadets naked was stronger than her resistance to the idea of misbehaving with the blessings of someone in charge. Tarrin promised to break the idea to Darvon in the morning, and that idea was shelved for the immediate future.
All in all, it was an absolutely wonderful night. Tarrin got to indulge in a little harmless fun-at least harmless for him-and it vastly improved his mood. After the day he'd had, he needed to vent a little, and Auli provided the perfect means to let him relax.
This wasn't to say that their activities went unnoticed. The next morning, Jenna called him into her office and blasted him for going along with Auli, but even she laughed helplessly when she told him about the terrified Knight cadets who had been sent out to round up the magically enlarge bunnies before they got into the gardens and did some real damage. It turned out that none of them really had any experience in wrangling horse-sized rabbits, and they caused something of a stampede among the herd. There were huge pink fuzzy bunnies everywhere, trampling cadets, knocking holes in walls, even a few that managed to jump over the fence and terrorize the city. Jenna may be the Keeper, but she was young enough to appreciate the joke. Her amusement ended when she told him just who had to pay for all the damage, and she gave him a blistering ultimatum that any further "walks" with Auli and Dar had better not lead to the same chaos the next day. She threatened to make the three of them go down into the cellar and round up every single rat that Auli had managed to put in there. Then she laughed and told him that one of the Sorcerers, a strapping big Dal, had literally fainted when he saw all the rats. It turned out the man had something of a phobia for rodents. Then she laughed again and told him that he'd better not see the bunnies, or he'd have a heart attack.
Despite the trouble, Tarrin had had too much fun the night before to be easily dissuaded, even by Jenna. Being a troublemaker was new to him, but he had to admit that it was tremendously entertaining.
The only one that even made him feel anywhere near sorry about the night before was Jasana. Jula and Mist brought them out to the gardens and he spent time with them. While Eron ran around aimlessly, Tarrin carried Jasana on his shoulders as they walked along the paths between fruit trees and beautiful flowers. "You're being mean to Mama," she accused in a grim voice.
"She was mean to me too, Jasana," he said mildly, knowing what this was about.
"No, last night. You went out with the Sha'Kar."
"I did," he said calmly. "She's my friend, sweetheart. I like to spend time with her."
"It makes Mama sad when you do that, Papa," she accused.
"That's your mother's fault, not mine," he said with quiet adamance. "I wasn't alone with her. Dar was with us, so you know that nothing went on that made her mad at me in the first place. Me and her and Dar just went out and had fun, just like you and Eron come out here and have fun."
"You should be having fun with Mama."
"Your mother is furious with me right now. I wouldn't dare come near her."
"Well, you're not making it better by going out with the Sha'Kar."
Tarrin already knew that arguing with Jasana wasn't easy. She was a very bright girl, and she had a maturity and grasp on subtle adult nuances that were beyond any child her age. She was a fierce debater. She already had her arguments lined up, and she was assaulting him with them one after another.
"I may not be making it better, but I'm not about to alter my life to suit Jesmind," he told her in a voice brimming with parental authority. "And I'm not going to make Auli feel bad just to suit Jesmind. If she wants to be mad at me, that's fine. But I'm not going to stop my life because she is mad at me, daughter."
"I hate it when you two fight," she said in a small voice. "I hate it. I want it to stop."
"So do I, Jasana," he sighed. "But until your mother accepts me like I am, it's just not going to happen."
"But you're not going to be like this forever," she complained. "Why do we have to like you as a human?"
"You don't," he told her. "All I ask is that you take me as I am right now, just for right now. Is that so hard?"
There was a long pause. "I don't know. You're alot different now, Papa. I don't understand you."
"I know I am, kitten. I don't really understand you and your mother either, but I'm trying to understand you. But Jesmind won't even do that. Now do you understand what I'm saying? I just want her to try. I'm not asking for anything more than what I'm willing to give in return, but she doesn't want any part of it. That's what makes me so mad, kitten. Your mother won't have any part of me unless she can have what she wants. I don't think she's once thought about what I may want."
Jasana was silent. Obviously, Tarrin had struck on the one argument that she couldn't refute.
"I'm not asking for you to accept me as a human, kitten. I just want you and your mother to accept me as I am for right now. I want to spend time with your mother. Truth be told, I like her, and I'd like to get to know her better. But she won't talk to me, she won't let me get close to her because she doesn't want to like me this way. It's easier for her to be angry with me as a human, that way she doesn't have to like me."
"Mama loves you, Papa. I do too. Can't you be with us again? You promised me we'd be a family. You can't do that unless you're Were again."
"The future isn't set, kitten," he said soothingly. "Until I get back my memory, nobody knows what's going to happen. Not even me. That's what we're all waiting for. Once I get back my memory, I'll know what to do. Until then, we just have to go with things as they are, one day at a time."
"I don't like it," she said sullenly. "I want you back."
"I don't like it either, kitten. You have no idea how much I hate not being able to remember things. I see people they tell me were my best friends that don't talk to me as much as they would have if I did, because they don't know me. I see people and places and things and know that they once had meaning to me, but I don't know what it is. I know I loved people, but I can't remember them. Don't you understand how that makes me feel? When I first met you, I was heartbroken that it upset you to see me the way I was. It hurt me to know that I couldn't even remember my own daughter's name. I love you, Jasana, but I can't remember you at all. That kills me inside."
"But it'll all be better, Papa," she said. "When you're you again, you'll know everything again."
"I'll be me as soon as I get back my memory, kitten. Whether I'm the human me or the Were-cat me doesn't make a difference, because both are still me. Until I get back my memory, I really don't know who I am or what I want, so we're all waiting until Phandebrass finishes his magic.
"It won't be you," she said in a small voice. "At least not the you you're supposed to be."
"That's what all this is about, Jasana," he told her. "To find out who the real me is supposed to be. And I won't know until I have my memory back."
"You still shouldn't go around with that Sha'Kar," she said, coming full circle. "It makes Mama sad."
"That's your mother's fault," he told her bluntly. "I won't bow to her, kitten. Not in this, not in anything. Not until she can accept me as I am. Until that happens, she can be as miserable as she wants to be."
Things went generally downhill at that point. It was impossible to explain things like that to Jasana, since she was a child, and what was more, she had set her mind in stone about how things were supposed to be. It hurt him that his refusal to be what she wanted of him upset her, but not even she could make him change his mind. He was more than willing to meet Jesmind halfway, but he would not budge a finger over that line that marked the halfway point. It was Jesmind's responsibility to come to him, and he was not going to give in, no matter how angry she was, no matter how sad she was, no matter what.
Jasana's teary retreat from him turned out to be an omen of things to come. Much to his surprise, the incident with Jesmind had literally torn apart his friends and family. A talk with Miranda over lunch revealed that she and Keritanima had had a very rare fight over his situation. "Kerri thinks you'd be better off staying human, but I think that you'd be very unhappy if you did," she said calmly as they walked along the passage towards the kitchen. "She knows you pretty well, but I don't think she's thinking with your mindset."
"Why do you think I'll be unhappy?"
"Oh, you aren't now," she said. "But when Phandebrass heals you, I'd lay odds that you'll ask to be changed back. I know you alot better than Kerri thinks I do. You and I were very good friends. Better friends than Kerri thinks."
A talk with Kerri turned out to be an endurance match. She was angry with both Miranda and Allia, and she shouted alot of threw things a few times. "They're both so thick-headed!" she told him. "They're not thinking about you! Allia think it's all twisted up with your personal honor that you have to change back, and that's just damned stupid! This isn't about what you need to do, it's about what's best for you! I think she's being really damned inconsiderate to want you to change back when you may not want to! And Miranda had the nerve to tell me that she knows you better than I do!" she shouted. "As if! You're my brother! I know you a hell of alot better than she does!"
Allia's point of view wasn't much better. He met her after lunch and walked along with her in the halls with Allyn at her other side. She wasn't as vocal as Keritanima had been, but she was just as mad. "Kerri is being a fool," she snapped. "Doesn't she see that when you regain your memory, your honor will make you return to your former self? Your honor is great, and your obligations will demand you return to Were. For you not to live up to your obligations would be saying that the sun would not rise in the morning. It just cannot happen."
"What if I don't want to change back?" he asked.
"That will not matter to you, my brother," she said simply. "I will grieve with you if it turns out that comes to pass, but you would not turn your back on your duty. It carried you through your darkest times. Many times, only your devotion to the Goddess and the mission before you kept you sane. It was the one thing you could cling to, and I do not doubt that once you can see it with your old eyes, you will know what must be done. After all you have suffered through in your duty, you will not stop until you see it done. As is only right and proper. The burden is heavy, but the honor it brings you is worth twice the suffering." She looked at him. "Duty is honor, and the price of that honor is blood. Honor and Blood, my brother. It is a tenet by which you have lived for two years. It is the Selani way, and you will not dishonor yourself by not doing what is needed, even if it is against what you desire."
The divisions didn't stop with his immediate family. Dolanna and Dar had had quite a spat with Phandebrass on one of the rare occasions when he stopped tending his work, leaving it in Kimmie's capable hands while he took a very rare but much needed break. As if that wasn't bad enough for the weary Wizard, Camara Tal had let him have it not long after that. Phandebrass consoled himself to Tarrin over it as he performed yet another magical examination to make sure that Tarrin's mental condition had not altered. He did that about every two days or so, to make sure that he could tailor the potion specifically to address the problems in Tarrin's mind. "It wasn't like I was trying to be contrary, I wasn't," he fumed. "I just mentioned that I thought that you'd probably change back after your regained your memory. I say, Dolanna almost threw her shoe at me!" he exclaimed. "She said I have no right to presume anything, then she had the gall to turn around and say that all of us would be better off if you stayed human! I say, as if that's not the pot calling the kettle black, it is!" he almost shouted. "I told her so, and then Dar accused me of wanting to change the potion to make you do what I wanted!"
When Tarrin confronted Dar about that, he admitted it willingly. "Of course I said that," he said. "You know how unbalanced he is! He once stopped in the middle of a battle to ask the enemy questions! You have no idea what he's capable of, Tarrin. And with Kimmie in there with him, and all her chances to coax him into changing his mind about being neutral, it makes it worse. When they do give you that potion, I'd be careful, my friend. It may very well be a poisoned pill!"
"He wouldn't do that," Tarrin said defensively. "I think you're being paranoid, Dar."
"I wouldn't put it past him, Tarrin," he grunted.
"I think more than one person is showing a little bias," he accused.
"Maybe," Dar said with a snort. "I saw how hard being a Were-cat was one you, Tarrin. You seem much happier now, and I'm hoping that you'll always be this happy. You've done so much for me, for the Tower, for everyone, I think it's only fair that you get a little reward for it. It just doesn't seem fair to make you go back to being unhappy."
Dolanna's opinion of the matter was surprisingly close to Dar's, as he coaxed an explanation out of her over a game of chess. "It is not right to force you to make a decision that you may regret later," she said adamantly. "I watched you for two years, my friend. I watched you struggle with the Cat. I saw it nearly destroy you, and I cannot bear the thought of seeing that happen again. They cannot guarantee that you will not have to go through another period of adjustment, even after you regain your memory. I do not want to see you suffer anymore. So yes, I would rather see you stay human."
Camara Tal's view on things and her fight with Phandebrass weren't quite as black-and-white as Dolanna's view. "That crazy old Wizard is going to cause a disaster, I just know it," she accused. "He shouldn't be making that potion if he can't keep his opinions out of it. I should have broken his arms. But then again, Kimmie's not much better. Her motives for making you change back are pretty damn clear. I don't think she should be helping him."
"I don't think he'd hurt me, Camara," he said carefully.
"He doesn't mean to do alot of the things he does," she snorted. "The man's a walking accident, Tarrin. If there's any earthly way to mess this up, he's going to find it."
"I don't think he's the only one with an opinion," he told her.
"You're right," she said honestly. "I think you should do whatever makes you happiest, Tarrin. I personally think you'd be better off as a human, but it's what you think that matters. My opinion is just that, my opinion. I just don't want to see that crazy Wizard and that love-sick Were-cat making your decision for you. That's why if you decide to change back, it'll never sit right with me. I'll never know if you chose to change back yourself, or one of them didn't add a little extra to the potion to make up your mind for you."
The only one that tried to stay out of it was Azakar. He stayed in the Academy, and it took Tarrin almost an hour to finally get him to come out on the practice field and talk to him. Tarrin and Azakar sparred very lightly as they talked, as Azakar taught him how to use the heavy broadsword and shield that the Knights commonly used. Tarrin had never used a shield before, and he found out that it could be just as effective a weapon as it was a defensive tool.
"I knew this was going to happen, Tarrin," Azakar grunted. "Bring the shield out, Tarrin. Don't tuck it in that close to your body. You don't hide behind a shield. You present it to your attacker and his blow. If you keep it tucked in like that, he's going to knock you right off your feet, and it won't be any good to you when you're on your back. And don't forget to keep your elbow unlocked. If you lock your elbow, blocking a heavy blow will break your arm. Bending won't break. Remember that."
"Like this?"
"Good," he nodded. "I guess with the people in our circle, opinions weren't going to be kept forever. But they shouldn't be arguing about it. After all, what we think doesn't mean squat. It's what you think that matters, and it's the only thing that matters."
"Camara Tal said something like that."
"Camara Tal's alot wiser than some of the others," Azakar complemented her. "I guess that's only right, considering she's a Priestess. They're supposed to be wise."
"I guess that means you'd be a good Priest," Tarrin told him.
He snorted. "I'd never be a good Priest," he chided himself. "I don't have enough patience, and I enjoy bashing people too much to be a kind and caring minister of a flock."
Tarrin laughed. "I guess that's as good a reason as any."
"I can see it now," he said. "My only advice to my parishoners would be to take a club and hit the other guy in the head with it."
Tarrin laughed even harder. "Well, you'd have a pretty tough congregation," he said with a big smile.
"I'd probably preach like a general," he went on. "I'd have the only church where the congregation could build fortifications and repel attackers."
Tarrin laughed again. "Those may be good skills nowadays," he said.
"Like it'll ever happen," he snorted lightly. "Shield use is a game of angles, Tarrin. If you present a good angle to the attack, it glances off your shield and overextends your opponent, which lets you strike back before he can recover. A bad angle will push you out of position and give your opponent a free shot at you. So it's a good idea to learn the good angles from the bad before it becomes a life-and-death matter."
"Using a shield is more complicated than I thought," he admitted.
"It's like any tool of war," Azakar said brusquely. "The man better trained in its use is the one that's going to walk off the field alive."
After an exhausting couple of hours learning how to use a shield, Tarrin returned to his room. He had a sore arm, quite a few bruises, and a newfound towering respect for the huge Mahuut Knight. Azakar was alot smarter than he thought, alot wiser than he thought, and he knew alot more about what was going on that anyone thought he did. He was always so quiet, so inobtrusive, like the Vendari, it was easy to dismiss him. But Tarrin learned that Azakar was more than just a really big man with really big muscles. He was very intelligent and quite observant, and he was much wiser than many of the others. His quiet nature and unwillingness to bring attention to himself were matters of personal choice for him. He preferred being in the background, that was all. Even though he was more than capable of arguing logic with Keritanima and debating philosophy with Phandebrass and Camara Tal.
The division among his friends was very unusual. He'd never seen them acting like this before, and he wasn't quite sure what to do about it. It wasn't that odd for Camara Tal and Phandebrass to toss barbs at one another, but it was very odd to see Keritanima bickering with Allia and Miranda. That seemed almost unnatural. It even tickled at his lost memory, because it was something that just did not happen. But now it was, and Tarrin found himself stuck in the middle of it all.
He hoped that his fight with Jesmind would fade from everyone's memory over time, but as the days passed, he found that it was only festering. The arguments between Keritanima and Allia were getting more and more heated. Dolanna and Dar talked to Allia, Miranda, Kimmie, and Phandebrass less and less during the meals and times when they were all together. Miranda got into a very loud argument with Keritanima right in the middle of the hallway four days after the fight, and their shouting was about Tarrin and what was best for him.
For them, it was a hotly contested issue. For Tarrin, it was embarassing, humiliating, saddening, and infuriating that they would act like they were acting. It became less and less about him and more and more about what they thought was best. Tarrin avoided them whenever he realized that they were either arguing or about to argue or had just come from an argument, which was pretty much well all the time after about five days. The only ones that wouldn't argue were Camara and Koran Tal, Jula, Azakar, and Mist, so they were the ones that he started spending time with after it became very difficult for him to spend time with his other friends. The only time he could spend time with Dar was when Auli was with them, when her irreverence and her presence made Dar forget about his feuds with Miranda, Allia, Phandebrass, and Kimmie, when having fun or talking or just relaxing was all that really mattered. He hated seeing his friends fighting with each other, he was embarassed that he was the reason they were fighting, and he was angry that they couldn't just drop it. None of them seemed to remember that the wait for the potion was the only thing that mattered right now. And they also forgot that the choice was his, not theirs.
It got worse and worse as the days passed, and Tarrin had a very hard time trying to avoid the issue. It also became very hard for him to try to enjoy himself. All his spare time seemed consumed with the problem, as he tried to think of ways to solve things without making everyone furious with one another and without making them angry with him, but there seemed to be no real way to do it. The only time he found that he could really forget and be happy was when he was with Auli. She didn't care about all that, she didn't care about the arguments. She could see that they were depressing him, so she did her best to keep him cheerful, oftentimes coming to get him in the middle of the day and having the two of them sneak off to get into mischief. He welcomed her diversions, many of them calculated, and she never once tried to even touch him the wrong way.
That, of course, only inflamed the core of the argument between his friends in the first place, and that was Jesmind. True to his word, he did not talk to her after the fight, and she did not talk to him. She didn't just disappear, however. Many times during the day or evening, he saw her, or could feel her presence close by. She was still following him, still hovering near him, and he knew that every time she saw him with Auli, it only made her more furious. But truth be told, he really didn't care about that anymore. If it made her mad, then that was just fine by him. Maybe after seeing him with her enough, she'd finally realize that Auli was nothing more than a friend to him. Nothing more, nothing less. And Goddess only knew that at that time, she was probably the best friend he had. She was the only one that tried to make him feel better, the only one that really seemed to care about him, and not his predicament or his impending choice. She accepted him for what he was, something that nobody else could seem to do anymore, and it drew him to her like a moth to a flame. With Jesmind all wrapped up in her stubborn tizzy, most of his friends fighting with one another over what was best for him, and each day becoming more unbearable than the last, it was only natural for him to want to spend time with the one person that did her best to make him forget about all that and just have fun.
Tarrin found himself counting the days with a strange kind of dreadful eagerness, counting to the day when Phandebrass said that the potion would finally be ready. He was afraid of what the potion would do to him, its importance to him and his future, afraid to find out just who and what he had once been. But, on the other hand, it would finally stop all this stupid silly arguing among his friends and family, because once and for all, there would be a decision, and all of them would have to live with it for good or ill. Including him. He was worried and anxious about regaining his memory, which was probably only natural, but it would be a relief to finally have it back and be able to put all this senseless bickering behind them all.
It all came to a head about ten days later, when Phandebrass came out again for another of his rest breaks and a check of Tarrin. He submitted to the examination, a Wizard spell cast that was designed not to detect mental state, but only a change in that state. It was a very specific spell that had been written down with the formula for the potion, to be used to help make the potion more effective for the recipient. "I say, Tarrin, your mental state is agitated," he said in concern. "It's enough to show to the spell. Whatever is the matter?"
"Nothing you can fix, Phandebrass," he said with a sigh. "Will it mess up the potion?"
"I say, not at all, lad, not at all," he assured him.
It was probably bad timing that Dolanna and Dar chose that moment to enter his room, but Tarrin suspected that it was more by design than coincidence. "The potion's going to be ready in about five days, it will," Phandebrass told him. "The brewing time is set, but its sitting time depends on the season and the room temperature. If it stays as warm as it has, I say, it'll shave a day or two off that, it will."
"Assuming the potion works as intended," Dolanna said in a dangerous voice.
"I say, I stand by my work, Dolanna," he said confidently.
"It is not your work I find unsettling, Phandebrass," she said. "It is Kimmie's. Has she had any hand at all in the preparation of the potion?"
"Of course she has," he said immediately. "I say, what better way to teach her the art of potion making than to have her assist on a big one?"
"That is what concerns me," she said with dark eyes. "Kimmie's neutrality in this matter is suspect." Phandebrass looked at her a minute, then he put on an indignant expression. "I say, now see here!" he said with impressive authority, sticking his chest out. "Kimmie's position may be apparent, but you go far in thinking she would use magic to enforce her own desires! And with this!" he said in outrage. "Do you know, madam, that if we don't prepare the base formula of this potion exactly as the formula states, it could permanently erase Tarrin's memory? I say, neither of us would even dare trying to alter the potion in such a manner! Why, to even suggest it is outrageous!"
"It is only outrageous to you, Phandebrass," Dar said. "We've seen how insane Jesmind's gotten over this. It's not a stretch to think that Kimmie may act the same way. Just not as obviously as Jesmind has."
Things degenerated quickly from there. Phandebrass had an absolutely apoplexy, livid that they would accuse Kimmie of doing such a thing, and accuse him of allowing it. Phandebrass started shouting in a language that Tarrin didn't know, but one that Dolanna obviously did, for her grim expression turned into a mask of outrage after about two sentences. Dolanna's demeanor of a calm, measured woman evaporated when she started shouting back at him, shaking her finger up into his face, then balling her fist and threatening him with it. Dar had to physically restrain Dolanna when Phandebrass retorted something, and Tarrin had a flash of memory, of little Dolanna clasping her hands together and striking a tall Sha'Kar man in the belly with them as hard as she possibly could.
They were angry, but Tarrin was absolutely mortified by the outburst. "That's enough!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. The three of them stopped shouting and threatening each other and looked at him in surprise. "I can't take this anymore!" he screamed, jumping to his feet. "I'm sick and tired of all of you fighting over this! Get out of my room! And I don't want to see any of you, talk to any of you, or even think about any of you until after I get my memory back! Do you hear me? Get OUT!!!"
There wasn't much they could say to that. Silently, a little shocked and dismayed over what had happened, the three of them filed silently out of his room. Tarrin walked in circles a few minutes to calm down, humiliated by their actions and furious that they just wouldn't let it go. Even though he didn't feel very calm, he opened his door and asked a Knight to find Sapphire, then told the other that he didn't want to see anyone unless he asked for them. He even went so far as to tell them to club anyone senseless who tried. They could tell that he was furious, and they'd heard the shouting from before, so it was probably no stretch for them to understand that it was his friends that had gotten him so angry.
It didn't take long for Sapphire to come. She landed on the bed, patted it with her tail to make him sit down beside her, and had him tell her all about it. She'd been with him on enough trips from his room, and had talked with him enough to know how all the fighting had upset him, but even she seemed a bit surprised that Dolanna nearly took a swing a Phandebrass.
"I know it upsets you, but this is a very emotional issue for them, small one," she said in a calm voice. "They may not seem like it, but they all love you very much. They care about what happens to you. That's why this has gotten them so worked up. I care about you even more than them, but at least I understand the core of things. As long as you are happy, then I am happy, no matter what you choose to be."
"Why can't they understand that?" he asked plaintively.
"Because they look at you in a way flavored by themselves," she said simply. "Dolanna and Dar are human, so it is natural for them to want you to stay that way. Jesmind and Kimmie were your mates, so they want you back. Allia sees you through her honor, and Miranda sees you through your devotion. Keritanima sees only what she wants in you," she said sourly. "Each of them sees you a different way, but it's a way influenced by themselves. It is only natural for one to see another through shaded eyes. I often think it a great waste you were born a biped," she admitted with a slight smile. "Not all of them think that way, though. The Were-cat, Mist, she understands. So does Camara Tal, and Azakar. Wise humans, those two. They even impress me. They see the truth of it. But it's not a truth you can just say to another. It's a truth that each of them must discover for himself."
"Maybe, but I'd really appreciate it if they'd discover it already," he said petulantly.
Sapphire actually laughed. "Spoken like a true child," she teased. "It is always now now now for you young ones. The years will teach you that time is not an enemy, and each thing comes at its proper time and in its proper place. To rush such things is inviting disaster."
"It already feels like a disaster," he complained.
"Perhaps. Or perhaps now they will see with eyes untainted by what comes from within. Only time will tell. Just don't forget that no matter how much they annoy you, they are still clan to you, small one. Clan is all. Things like this, they pass with the blowing sands. Clan is the rock beneath, the rock the sands cannot change. Keep your feet on the rock, small one. Reach through the sand and always keep your feet on the rock."
Strangely enough, that made him feel better. Sapphire was a very wise dragon, and though she hadn't comforted him in so many words, her assurances eased his mind in ways that cooing and baby talk never could. She reminded him that all the fighting was because his friends cared about him and only wanted what was best for him, and that in time, it would all be forgotten. The foundation of the friendships shared among their circle ran too deeply for them to be eroded by so petty a division. All he had to do was wait it out. If anything, the potion would end all of it. When he got his memory back, this would be a moot point.
He just had to wait for that day.
Though Tarrin calmed down after his outburst, his resolve became as steely as his feud with Jesmind. He told them that he didn't want to see any of them or talk to any of them, and he held by that declaration. He stayed in his room most of the day, and he made sure that the Knights did not let anyone past them. The only ones allowed into his room were Jula, Mist, his children, Auli, Jenna, Triana, Azakar, Camara and Koran Tal, and Sapphire. He exiled everyone else from his presence, and would not have anything to do with them. He wasn't angry now, but he wanted to drive home the realization that their petty fighting had seriously upset him, and it was not something that just saying I'm sorry was going to fix. He didn't want to hear their excuses, he didn't want to hear them accusing one another of misconduct, and he certainly didn't want to turn into a referee at some kind of grotesque mass wrestling match. And that would be exactly what he would become if he listened to them, he was sure of it. They'd come to him and lay down their case and want him to say they were right, and he wasn't going to do that. It would only make everyone even madder, and he wasn't going to justify their squabbling in any manner at all.
What his decision did was literally imprison himself in his own room. He knew that if he walked the halls, they'd track him down, and he'd have a hard time getting away from them. He didn't like not talking to them, but in this case it was a simple matter of it hurting him more than them. But he knew that it had to be done, or this stupid dispute was never going to go away. He had to make them understand that it didn't matter who was right or who was wrong. When he did go out, it was with a quartet of Knights and Sapphire, and that entourage kept everyone away from him very effectively.
The only other time he went out was at night, and it was with Auli. They would sneak out and get into trouble, though nobody could ever pin anything to them because they were too good at sneaking away. Tarrin's fury included Dar, and that excluded him from their nightly wanderings. Tarrin missed his friend, but he was not going to give in on this. Because they were so good at sneaking, it also let them avoid his other friends, even when they were actively out looking for him. The nightly excursions with Auli weren't done in secrecy, for Jesmind's nearness touched on Tarrin from time to time, as she shadowed the two troublemakers and kept an eye on him, ready to pounce if she saw Auli do anything forward.
The exile of his friends and family made slow days become almost unbearable. Every day was a monotony of sameness, and he got tired of his room very quickly. Spending time with his children was always good, though the room was too small for the energetic Eron, and it didn't take him long to break things. Auli played chess with him-more like humiliated him on a consistent basis-and Jenna kept him apprised of what was going on outside his room, with both his friends and the potion. Mist and Jula spent alot of time with him, talking to him about his past, and also telling him about Were-cat society and some of the other customs of the other woodland folk, what they called Fae-da'Nar. Camara Tal brought him books, and Sapphire actually started teaching him the language of the dragons as a way to pass the time. Tarrin found out quickly that he had something of a knack for languages, and though he couldn't make some of the sounds Sapphire produced for him, he found that he could understand their meaning after only a few hours of learning the basic grammar and structure of the language. Dragon was a language dependent on the shape of a dragon's maw, and they could make sounds that no human ever could because of the radical difference in anatomy.
Tarrin got quite caught up in his language lessons, and though he lamented at being confined to his room by his own choice, it seemed like only a blink of the eyes between an interminable half-month wait to Jenna's excited declaration that the potion was done brewing, and now only had to sit and steep for two days before it was ready to be used. This news startled Tarrin, and filled him with that same expectant reluctance, that crazy mixture of excitement at regaining his memory, and also fear and anxiety over regaining his memory. He had no idea what he would find out about himself on that fateful day, and he was both looking forward to it and worried about what it would mean.
For one, it would mean that the vacation would be over. He couldn't stay in the Tower, not when everyone and their brother knew he was there, and they knew what he had. He had to leave, to disappear, and he had to do it very quickly. The only reason he hadn't done so already was because he was literally in no condition to do so. In his present state, it would be comparatively easy for someone to capture him and take the Firestaff. Even he could admit that. In his present state, he was literally a farmboy on his first trip outside the protective domain of his village. He didn't know anyone or anything, and he'd be easy prey for an experienced hunter.
Another worry was the simple knowledge that he would again have the mind of the man he had once been. He was sincerely worried about what was going to happen to him. Would he, this Tarrin, simply cease to exist? Would he remember anything at all that happened to him during the loss of his memory? Would the Tarrin of the now be destroyed by the Tarrin of old, or would they join together and become a single person? It seemed a silly thing to worry about, but it had taken to him quite forcefully, and he worried about it quite a bit. But he was too embarassed to admit his fear to anyone else. But it seemed quite a plausible thing to worry about for him. After all, no matter what anyone else thought, that other Tarrin seemed to be alien to him. He was radically different, an unknown, and he seemed ominous and quite dangerous. Fear for himself seemed senseless when they were both the same person, but it was a fear of losing his identity than losing his life.
Then there was all the fighting with his friends. He hoped fervently that him getting his memory back was going to settle those issues, but there was still a lingering worry that some of them may not accept his decision. Camara Tal had said that she wouldn't feel right if he decided to be Were again, because she didn't entirely trust Phandebrass and Kimmie. He was worried that that would be a prevelant concern among all his friends that wanted him to stay human. If he decided to be Were again, they very well may accuse Kimmie and Phandebrass of tampering with him. He couldn't have that. An accusation that serious and horrible would destroy the bonds of friendship that existed within their circle, and no matter how big and bad and dangerous and powerful he was, he knew that if he didn't have his friends, all of them, his chances of success would be greatly diminished. He needed Dolanna's cool reasoning. He needed Keritanima's cleverness. He needed Allia's determination. He needed Dar's friendship, and Miranda's cunning, and Camara Tal's courage, and Azakar's strength, and Phandebrass' intelligence, and Kimmie's devotion. He was going to need all of them, and if they couldn't look at each other, then they couldn't be there when his life may depend on them.
Two days. It seemed a short time, but to him, it was an absolute eternity of frenzied worry and fear and uncertainty. He couldn't concentrate on anything but his own worry. He had trouble eating and sleeping, and he both didn't want to be alone and was distant from the others when he wasn't alone. They seemed to understand that it was a very trying time for him, and they all tried to be supportive without prying. Even Mist seemed willing to give him a little space without going so far that he felt their separation. Jenna was about the only one he really felt comfortable talking with, but he knew that her own loyalties were split within herself. His sister wanted her brother back, but the Keeper needed the Were-cat Tarrin to protect the Firestaff. He could only imagine what kind of torture that was for her, but she never showed any of it to him. She was always smiling, always supportive, and always ready to comfort him if he needed it.
Time had never seemed to drag by so slowly, and more than once he felt like a man waiting for his own execution. Counting every moment, trying to forget about the end but unable to think about anything else. The clock on his wall, that expensive gift, turned into both blessing and curse for him, because it allowed him to see how much time had passed, but also how much there was left. The ticking of the clock seemed to be laughter, as the fickle fates taunted him with every second about what was to come, and the fateful decision that very well destroy the tight circle of friends that had come with him so far, had been through so much. The clock mocked him all day and all night, unable to sleep at all because of his mental turmoil, the sound of its ticking like a raw wound inside his mind that only got worse with each tick. It to be so bad for him that he got out of bed and stopped the clock, unable to take the constant reminder that time was going by too fast, and that it could not go by fast enough.
The first day was an absolute eternity, but the second was even worse. It was like time had stopped, even going backwards, as if stopping the clock caused the gods to punish him by stopping the time that it represented, and he became very moody and irritable. Sapphire stayed with him the entire day, trying to soothe him with her presence and an occasional supportive word, but it didn't do very much good. He had other visitors that day, as Auli came in and tried to get him into a game of chess but failed, then told bawdy jokes and stories to try to make him laugh. But there seemed to be little entertainment in it for him. Camara Tal came in and fed him Amazon zamo, a dish composed of raw meat, ground up and spiced heavily. She said that it would do good for him, and he had to admit that it was rather tasty, but about all it did was give him heartburn.
The only real excitement of the day that caused Tarrin to break his morose reverie was when Jula came rushing in and asked immediately if the children were with him. "They haven't been here today," Sapphire answered for him as he looked up at her.
"Oh, damn," Jula grunted. "Mist is going to kill someone. You know how she is about Eron."
"What happened?" the dragon asked.
"They snuck out of the apartment," she answered. "I thought they came down here. Mist is checking the gardens."
"It's not the first time Jasana's wandered off, I'm sure," Sapphire said calmly. "And you have a nose, if I don't recall, Jula."
"Jasana knows how to lay a false trail," Jula said defensively. "We already tried that."
"Then see Jenna. She can find her inside a heartbeat."
"Why didn't I think of that?" Jula said self-deprecatingly, then she rushed back out of the room.
Jasana and Eron turned up, so he was told, not a moment after Jula scrambled away, found in the baths, where Eron was trying to float a small boat made of oiled parchment and wooden sticks in the bathing pool. Mist didn't like Eron to go into the baths when there were humans present, but it turned out that he had been desperate to test out his boat, so he enrolled Jasana in his conspiracy to escape the apartment and delay the adults long enough to christen his little craft on its maiden voyage in the dangerous waters of the bathing pool. Unfortunately for Eron, Jasana sank his boat with a boot from a Sorcerer taking a bath while shouting that a sea monster had appeared, sending Eron into indignant hysterics and angering the Sorcerer who'd just had his fine leather boot dunked.
The recovery of the children relieved him, but that relief didn't stand long in the face of the enormity of tomorrow. He sank back into his grim worry and excitement, a riot of conflicting emotions that made it hard for him to feel any one way for very long. His mood shifted violently all day, from anger to almost giddiness to depression to fear to almost neurotic concern to stark terror. Sapphire endured it with remarkable stoicism, seeing Tarrin probably at his very worst, consumed by worry and fear and uncertainty over what was to come. She did her best to reassure him, but his own worries and doubts gnawed away whatever comfort her words could instill in him, and made the day creep by with almost maddening slowness.
It was only raw exhaustion that allowed him to get any rest at all. He'd not slept a wink the night before, and the worry and chaos in his mind had expended most of his energy over two days, allowing him to fall into a deep, blissfully dreamless slumber before the sun even went down.
He was shaken out of his heavy sleep, and the return to conscsiousness made his heart seize. He opened his eyes and sat up quickly, and found Jenna leaning over him, hand on his shoulder, with Sapphire perched on her shoulder. "It's time, Tarrin," she said simply, with a neutral expression.
"A-Already?" he asked in a fearful voice.
She nodded. "Phandebrass is waiting outside, and he has it all ready for you. Do you want to drink it here, or somewhere else?"
That question seemed ludicrous to him. As important as this was, and she was worried about where he wanted to drink it? But then again, if something went wrong, he didn't want anything to happen to his room. Maybe he was being paranoid, but he'd already lost all his possessions once, and wasn't willing to risk it happening again. But if he asked to drink it somewhere else, Jenna may think he was being paranoid.
"What do you think I should do?" he asked, a desperate edge to his voice.
"I think you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable," she told him. "I you want to drink it here or somewhere else, or if you want someone to be there with you, it's all up to you."
"I," he said, then he bit his lip. It was a silly fear, but if it would make him feel better… "I want to drink it outside," he said. "In the gardens. I like it there. It's peaceful."
"Then that's what we'll do," she said with a pat on his shoulder. "You're already dressed, but I think putting your boots on would be a good idea," she winked. "You can't go outside barefoot. People will think you're poor."
The absurdity of her statement struck him, and he laughed despite himself.
After putting on his boots, Tarrin stood up and steeled himself. It was time. All the agonized waiting was over. No matter what happened next, he didn't have to wait for it anymore, and for that, at least, he was glad. He looked down at his little sister, wondering it if was her or the Keeper staring up at him with those beautiful eyes, and he nodded grimly. "Let's get it overwith," he said with surprising calm, belying the turmoil in his mind.
He simply could not remember the trip out into the gardens. Even much later, no matter how hard he tried, he could not remember. It seemed to him that one second he was walking out the door of his room, between the two Knights stationed there to defend him, and the next he was standing in his favorite place in the gardens, by a lovely rose bush surrounded by assorted flowers of every shape, size, and color. It was a place where two widely travelled paths converged, and there was a large white marble bench sitting on the edge of a grassy flat, one of the many grassy lawns interspersed through the gardens to give people somewhere cool and relaxing to lay. Tarrin was sat down on the bench by his sister, and he looked up at them. Jenna was there, with Sapphire silently sitting on her shoulder, and Phandebrass stood beside her, in dirty robes and still wearing that stupid pointy hat, but it was the surprisingly small black stone cup in his hands that had Tarrin's attention.
That was it. That was the potion that was supposed to restore his memory, and could very well destroy everything. But the time to worry about it was over. It had to be done, because if he didn't do it, then nothing would ever get resolved. Besides, he just had to know. He had to know who he had been, who he was, and if that was what he wanted to be once again.
"Drink it quickly," Phandebrass warned him, holding the black stone cup out to him. "Just to warn you, it's going to taste absolutely vile, it will. You have to drink it all, Tarrin. I say, you can't spill a single drop. Do you understand?"
"I understand," he nodded, reaching out for the cup with shaking hands. Jenna reached out and put her hand over one of his, and she gave him a reassuring smile. He felt a little better with her display of compassion, and his hands didn't shake quite as badly as they had just a moment before.
The stone cup was hot, strangely hot, and the blackish liquid inside it smelled acrid and unpleasant. This was it. All his worries and fears would either be dismissed or justified in just a moment. All his almost neurotic fear over losing his identiy would either be confirmed or denied, in just a moment. No matter what, things were about to be settled, and the moment had already passed.
It was time.
He couldn't let himself dwell on it anymore. With a gulp of air, he raised the cup to his lips and let the potion pour in. Phandebrass was not lying about how terrible it tasted, but almost as quickly as he drank it, it seemed to numb his tongue, and then his throat. He felt it wash down into his stomach, like hot, acidic water, burning his belly just before that strange numbness began to creep in. His mouth and tongue felt weird from where they had touched the potion.
"How long will it take to affect him?" Jenna asked.
"I say, there's no definite timeframe," he answered. "It depends on how well the potion was made for him and how accepting his mind is to the magical effect. It could be seconds, or hours, but it will work. The time is the only variable, it is."
"How do you feel, Tarrin?" Jenna asked in concern.
"Strange," he answered. "I don't feel any memory coming back yet, but the potion is making my mouth and stomach feel weird."
"That should pass," Phandebrass told him with calm assurance.
The numbness took full hold of his stomach, and seemed to run its course in his mouth and on his tongue. Then, the strangest sensation replaced it. It was a strange kind of hot buzzing sensation, like pins and needles in his mouth, and it travelled down his throat and gullet and started taking hold in his stomach.
"I feel pins and needles now," he said with a slightly slurred voice. "It's almost tickling."
"What was that?" Phandebrass asked with sudden, intense attention.
"It's tingling," he repeated, then there a very real sense of pain in his mouth. He put his hands over his mouth and winced. "It's burning me!" he said in sudden fear, as that burning sensation seemed to sweep down his throat, following the path of the potion.
"It shouldn't do that," Phandebrass said with sudden worry, looking at Sapphire. "The formula neer mentioned anything about it causing pain!"
"Sometimes formulae leave out the unpleasant side effects," the dragon said calmly.
The burning sensation turned out to be a pittance. All the sudden, Tarrin felt like someone had stabbed him in the stomach with a knife. He doubled over and let out a cry of pain, snapping his jaws shut so tightly that he felt like his teeth were going to shatter. But even they hurt from inside, by whatever it was the potion did to him, filling him from the inside with a burning pain that swept through his body like wildfire. Red haze filled his vision as he struggled to figure out what was happening, what had gone wrong, but conscious thought was scoured away as a pain unlike anything he had ever experience all but consumed him. It roared through him like a flood raging down a canyon, infusing itself into every tiny bit of him inside and out, suffusing him with its searing, burning agony and tearing a scream from him so mindless, so elemental in its conveyance of his pain that it made the two humans cringe and step back.
There was only one thing that touched his mind in that eternal moment, as the vestiges of the potion actually did manage to perform its task.
That he had experienced this once before.
Sliding off the bench, scrabbling at the clean, neatly arrayed white walkway stones, Tarrin tried to writhe, tried to think, tried to stop what was happening, but he knew that it could not be stopped. He cried out once more, but it was not a cry of pain, it was a cry of outrage, of indignation, of fury, before the pain of it descended his cry into a mindless shriek of absolute mindless agony.
His right of choice had been denied to him.
Lost in the completeness of the internal fire, the pain of the changes did not touch him. Lost in the unending scream torn from him, he could not stop what was happening. The bones in his back split, grew in number and grew smaller, and every bone within him shifted, grew longer, became more dense. The bones in his hands split, cracked, thickened and then reset, enlarging his hands. The comfortable boots on his feet stretched grotesquely, then were split asunder as the same process took hold in his feet, lengthening and enlarging them as the balls of his feet widened unnaturally. Skin split and then resealed as the bones continued to expand, longer and longer and longer, blasting shockwaves of pain through him as the flesh was torn and the organs violently displaced.
But the changes to body were not the only ones. The Cat was released from its prison within as the first sweeping wave of the change took hold, as the body began to become accommodating to the mind. With it came the memories, two years of memories, a lifetime of memories. The bad and the good, the horror and the joy, the pain and the pleasure, it swept over his pain-maddened mind like pouring salt into an open wound, assaulting him from within as the pain shattered his body. The memory was there, all of it, every bit of it trying to sweep the others and the pain aside and take hold inside him all at once, augmented by the memory-kindling potion that was still in him, whose magic had not lost its potency despite the betraying extra addition to it.
Memory and change suddenly competed with lost power as the lost connection to the core of his power was restored. Tarrin's hands, still in the process of transforming back into paws, suddenly erupted with Magelight as the pain-maddened soul, caught between human and Were, found within memory and body forgotten capabilities, fought against the inevitable with all the righteous indignation it could muster. The shriek of pain became a powerful cry of fury, as rage overcame the agony, rage at this most shocking, most horrific of betrayals. The power surrounded him, infused him even as the magic of the Were-cat and the magic of the potion stormed through him. The power picked him up from the ground as his hands became paws, his feet set into their permanent hybrid form, and his body continued to grow taller and taller. The back of his pants split as his spine extended out from its place, separated from his pelvis and tore through his skin, snaking out like a sailor lowering a rope flailing in a gale as the spine formed a tail, and that tail quickly fleshed out and began to grow black fur.
The Magelight around his body coalesced, then shimmered into the brilliance of the four-pointed star around him as the totality of the Weave sought to flow into him, through him, become part of him, make him a part of it. The Conduit that flowed through the Tower behind him suddenly erupted into blazing brilliance, shimmered with an audible ringing sound, responding to his pain, and the entire Weave around Suld shuddered and writhed as every major strand, every feeder strand, every wisp of every flow suddenly glowed with bright white light and sang out in the choral shimmering from the Conduit and through them, showing the mundane citizens of Suld for that one brief moment what had always surrounded them, the power the katzh-dashi utilized, revealing what had once been hidden before becoming hidden once more. The Weave was caught up in the throes of his pain, reacting to him in a way that it would not for any other, shuddering and shifting as the pain roared through him. His mind, with the memory-restoring potion taking hold inside him, was reaching up into the Weave, trying to find solace, find refuge there to protect itself from the eternal firestorm of the pain caused by the transformation. That pain was easing as the greatest of the physical alterations were complete, as the human ears vanished and cat's ears poked up through his hair, as fur quickly grew in on his arms and legs, along his tail, on his new ears, and his teeth shifted in their shape, shifted by the power of the magic that changed him, his incisors growing out into impressive fangs. He finally opened his eyes, but instead of the Were-cat's vertically slitted green, they were a blazing, incadescent white as the power of the Weave surrounded him.
The change was done, and it could not be undone. The pain eased, but the chaos within his mind did not stop. The magical potion that was still coursing through his body sought to restore memory, but found that memory already restored. The magic of the potion was touched by the power of the Weave, altered, and it reached into the Weave, through him, seeking to restore memory. As was its function.
Tarrin sucked his breath in when something inconceivable happened. The echoes of the Weave, the fluttering remnants of lost information, of memory, reacted to the powerful mingled magic within him. It called out to the echoes, and the echoes responded, flooding into him with a speed that nearly drove him mad. A nightmarish jumble of images, sounds, impressions, things and places and feelings and memories flowed into his mind. The magic of the potion, still powerful, augmented by the power of the Weave, drew in all the memory of the Weave and showed it to him in one great moment of utter lucidity. In the blink of an eye, the entirety of the memory of the Weave was laid out before him, like some vast, unfathomably huge tapestry that was both too massive to understand yet arrayed in a manner that made it make sense. In that fleeting moment, with the entirety of the Weave's stored memory open to him, he knew that he had touched the mind of the Goddess. He had seen what no mortal was ever meant to see, the answers to everything, the totality of existence, and it was more than his mortal mind could comprehend.
This is not for you, my kitten, her voice seemed to flutter to him from some great distance. This will only drive you mad. Forget what must be forgotten, and find peace once more.
Her power reached back through the Weave, touched him, and undid the magic of the potion. Her hand passed through his mind, sweeping away that which would drive him mad, but not touching many of the other things his mind had learned during that moment of utter communion with her. What Jenna had learned from Spyder, now Tarrin had learned from the Goddess.
The touch of the Goddess disrupted the power of the Weave flowing into him, through him. The four-pointed star which formed the heart of the symbol of the Goddess wavered around him, then winked out. The power holding him off the ground was disrupted, and he fell back to the earth.
The Tarrin that touched the ground, fell limply and blissfully unconscious to the soft, welcoming earth, was once again a Were-cat.
Jenna and Phandebrass could only stare in shock. Sapphire landed by his limp form, nudging him worriedly with her snout.
She couldn't believe it. The potion hadn't restored his memory, it had changed him back into a Were-cat! He looked exactly as he did the last time she'd seen him! He was just as tall, as tall as Triana, and he had the fetlocks and the drawn sense about his face that made him look more mature. His face was calmly reposed, a welcome sight given that but a moment ago, the mindless agony of the change had contorted his handsome features.
What had just happened? How did it happen? How could the potion change him back? That was impossible!
And Goddess, what had he done to the Weave? She thought it was going to rip itself apart! He must have regained his ability to use it in the middle of his transformation, and it was that raw, elemental creature, half human, half cat, and totally consumed by the pain, that had managed to make the connection. She had never sensed anything like that before, and it was a shivering display of the tremendous power her brother possessed, a power far greater than her own, despite the fact that they were both sui'kun.
She knelt by Tarrin, put her hands on him, feeling the hardness under his skin, knowing that the change was complete and thorough. He was a Were-cat once more.
"By the holy circles of Denthar!" Phandebrass finally managed to exclaim.
"Phandebrass!" Sapphire said in a suddenly furious tone, snapping her head around and up to glare dangerously at the Wizard. "What in the blazes did you do!?!"
"B-By my honor, Sapphire, it should never have done that!" he said in flabbergasted confusion. "It couldn't have! The power to change humans Were is a function of magic, and it's not Wizard magic. It's Druidic by nature, and you know we can't duplicate that!"
"Perhaps there was some part of it left in him," Sapphire said, but Jenna reached down and picked up the cup. Phandebrass was right. There was no way the potion should have done that. Only a Were-cat could change him back into a Were-cat. She sent searching flows down into the cup, searching the traces of liquid still clinging to its interior as a light film, knowing what she would find, but dreading the enormity of the consequences if she did.
It was there. Goddess, it was the worst thing that could have been. She shook her head and groaned audibly.
"What is it?" Sapphire demanded of her.
"The potion didn't do it," she said in a trembling voice. "There's Were-cat blood in the cup."
She held the cup in trembling hands, her gaze down on her brother. "Someone put Were-cat blood in the cup," she said, tears actually coming into his eyes. "Someone-" She couldn't finish, breaking down into wracking sobs. Phandebrass knelt beside her and comforted her, and she cried into his robe unashamedly.
"Someone changed him against his will," Sapphire said in a voice of doom. "And the list of suspects is a very short one." She hissed, and lightning crackled around her body, a display of her growing fury. "I will find out who did this and make them wish they were never born!" she vowed in a voice that cracked like a whip.
Someone had changed him against his will, and Jenna knew that more than blood was going to be spilled over it. Someone was going to pay, and from the fury in Sapphire's voice, they were going to pay dearly.
Goddess help her, whoever she is, Jenna thought, knowing that it had to be one of the females. Jesmind, Kimmie, Jula, Triana, or Mist. One of them had to do it. Nobody else could. The only question was which one.
Which one would die because of their impatience.
To: Title EoF