And that was why he hesitated.
Not because he wasn't willing to do that.
But because he was.
Long before he'd become a Knight-Mage, before he'd really understood what the Wild Magic was, Kellen's greatest fear had been that he would become a tool of the Dark. Though he'd realized his original fear was unfounded, the more he'd come to learn about the Demons, and how they corrupted Wildmages to their use, the more he worried about his actions, and their consequences, and his reasons for doing everything he did. Ancaladar had said that in the Last War, the Bonded had taken their dragons with them into the service of the Demons out of love the desire not to see their dragons die at the end of a human lifespan.
So the path into the Dark can begin with good intentions, and the desire to do good, even if it's wrong and misplaced. And if I'm willing to sacrifice lives in a good cause, am I going to know when to stop?
And if I don't, is anyone going to be able to stop me?
He took a deep breath.
If I do nothing out of fear of what I may do, They win anyway.
He unrolled the scroll and began to choose.
* * * * *
A sennight later Keirasti met them on the road if you could call it that coming up from Ondoladeshiron. All thirty of the Knights Kellen had sent were with her, and she had six sledge-wagons of supplies.
Even though they had encountered Keirasti's trail-wands along the way each cluster proof that the party she commanded was still alive Kellen did not relax until she had rejoined the main force.
Even as he gave the orders to make camp, and as the army surrounded the wagons and began unloading them, Kellen realized he'd been expecting the very worst up until the last moment for Keirasti and her people to be ambushed within sight of the army, or…
Or things I can't imagine until the moment they'd happen. But manage to worry about anyway, Kellen realized with a rueful grin.
"It would be good to know what you can tell about the journey," he said, bringing Firareth up beside Orata.
"We brought tea," Keirasti said, pushing her fur-lined hood back from her helmet and starting with what she obviously considered the most important matter. "Grain, charcoal, oil, trailfood. Rochinuviel says not to come into the city when you get there they have plague. It's in Sentarshadeen as well everywhere in the south the mirror-relays are up south of the Mystrals, and they have fresh news. And some Darkspawn blight is infesting the forest and killing the trees around the city, though it hasn't attacked the Flower Forest. Rochinuviel worries that they may not be able to plant in the spring, if what is affecting the trees spreads. She thinks the Deathwings bring it they were certainly too busy with something to bother us, though we saw enough of them. No Coldwarg bothered us either, for which Leaf and Star be thanked, though I shot enough serpentmarae to make myself a new pavilion, if I'd stopped to skin the damned things."
Kellen grinned, too relieved to see her to worry about the bleak news she'd brought.
"I'm glad you're back."
Keirasti snorted. "As if I'd leave you to wander around out here all by yourself. As soon as we've unloaded everything, we'll all have a proper hot meal, and then I can make a full report."
* * * * *
THAT night, well-fed and reasonably warm for the first time in sennights, Kellen took the opportunity to discuss what Keirasti had told him with Shalkan. He'd had a spare pavilion pitched at a suitable distance from the main camp for the unicorn's comfort he wouldn't risk spending the night here, but he could certainly afford a few hours, now that they had the charcoal to spare to keep him from freezing.
Keirasti hadn't had much to add to her initial report only more details of the journey to Ondoladeshiron, and more information about what she had heard from the Vicereign.
"You were expecting plague," Shalkan pointed out. "And they're having more success in treating it in Ondoladeshiron, according to Rochinuviel, than they did at White Spring."
"Yes…" Kellen admitted slowly. Once Reyezeyt had reminded him that plague was mentioned in the Teaching Songs about the Great War, he'd spent a lot of time going over what he remembered of them, and asking Isinwen to fill in the gaps in what he remembered. "The stories about the Last War mention sickness… if it's following the same pattern now as it did then, it will spread from the people to the animals or maybe there are different kinds, and the animals just haven't started getting sick yet. And They certainly used some kind of crop-blight last time: It's one of the reasons so little grows in the Lostlands. But there are remedies for it, too. And if They sent the blight this early in the winter, it isn't going to affect very much, and we'll know we need to be ready for it in the spring."
If, he reflected, there was anyone available to plant crops in the spring. He ruffled the unicorn's fur, wordlessly seeking comfort. Shalkan leaned into him.
"So it doesn't make sense for them to use it now," he went on, following the train of his own thoughts. "It seems as if they're throwing everything at us here in the Elven Lands that they can get over the Borders. And why would they bother if they were certain they were going to win?"
"Well, they haven't got Armethalieh yet," Shalkan agreed. "And even if They can weaken the Land-wards to the point where Frost Giants and Ice Trolls can cross them, instead of just being brought in by the Shadowed Elves, They still won't risk crossing them Themselves. But that doesn't mean that enough High Mages working for them can't destroy the Land-wards."
"Or strengthen them," Kellen said. "Maybe Cilarnen can tell us if that's possible. But the point is, if They were so certain that winning was just a matter of time taking Armethalieh over to the Dark and using it why bother about us at all?"
"Knowing the answer to that is not the same thing as being able to use it," Shalkan said.
"Not yet," Kellen answered grimly.
* * * * *
WITH the additional supplies that Keirasti had brought, the last sennight's journey toward Ondoladeshiron was nearly easy.
As Keirasti had warned, herds of serpentmarae roamed the plain for hundreds of miles around the city, and along the way Kellen got his first look at the creatures.
The sight of the herd of dun-colored beasts pacing the convoy they resembled giant rats as much as anything equine was deeply unsettling to Kellen, for it brought back sharp memories of the vision he'd once had of a battle of the Great War, in which he'd seen these things being ridden into battle against the forces of the Light. For now, the serpentmarae herd simply followed at a wary distance, hoping to pull down stragglers or, as Reyezeyt informed him, to attack the other creatures of the Plains who also followed the convoy, hoping for food.
He did what he could: assigned several skirmishing units to ride up and down the column, making sure that nobody fell behind, even by so much as a few hundred yards; posted additional guards at every night camp. And always he worried about what he might have left undone, and if he might be overlooking something vital.
* * * * *
IT was with both relief and an odd sense of loss that Kellen finally sighted the Gathering Plain outside Ondoladeshiron. The first time he'd seen it was it only a few moonturns ago? he'd been a different person entirely.
The Wild Magic is a magic of change, and change isn't always pleasant or easy, he reminded himself. He'd known then that he would have a crucial part to play in the war to come, and knew that he would have to change if he was to play it. But he'd never suspected how much he'd have to change, or what that change would cost him.
I've killed more times than I can count. I've lost friends. I've seen friends die. And maybe worst of all, I've learned to see my friends as pieces on a xaique-board, and I know that I'll do what I have to do to win.
Because not to win, when the stakes were this high, was unthinkable.
There were more supplies waiting for them on the Gathering Plain cairns containing more fuel, fresh meat, blankets and Kellen set his people to the task of making a more permanent camp. They'd all earned a rest even if only a few days.
And he wanted to talk to Rochinuviel, if that were at all possible.
* * * * *
"THE messages left with the supplies say that the sickness is under control in Ondoladeshiron," Isinwen reported, holding out a handful of long slender sticks to Kellen. Kellen could see that they were ringed with bands of color, but Elves saw far more colors than humans did; one of the few skills Kellen had been unable to master in the House of Sword and Shield was that of reading the trail-wands that the Elves used to leave messages in the field. "Read them to me, of your courtesy," Kellen said.
"The Vicereign still does not wish us to enter the city, but there is a place outside where the foresters will check for messages, and where they will leave fresh supplies for us. She says that the mirrors say that the serpentmarae have not been sighted south of here. Which means that the rest of our journey should be a simple matter indeed."
"Oh yes, very simple," Kellen agreed ironically. "I hope to speak with Rochinuviel while I'm here, if that can be arranged."
"I can ask if she is willing. Artenel already has a long list of items that he wishes to acquire, so you would need to send someone to the message-cairn in any event."
Redhelwar had been unable to spare Rulorwen to send with Kellen, since the Master Engineer's skills would certainly be needed to get the bulk of the army over the Mystrals. But the Chief Artificer possessed many of the same skills, and in company with several of Rulorwen's most promising apprentices, should be able to do everything necessary at Halacira.
"I'll go myself," Kellen decided. "If it's between here and the city, it isn't far, and if I take Shalkan, we can outrun anything we can't outfight. And I should be able to sense trouble, which would be a good thing to know about anyway. Naturally, I expect you to let me know if you don't think this is a good idea."