The next day, Lil deposited her purse, diaper bag and notebook on the dining room table with relief and stepped out of her uncomfortable pumps. She put Colby’s car seat on the floor beside the table and bent to release her, noting how her child filled it. “You are almost too big for this, Colby. Don’t grow up too fast, baby.”
Colby reached for her mother’s hair and gave a yank, making no such promises.
Lil hugged her little one to her then held her back so she could see her beautiful face. She touched one of the blond curls. Colby smiled and the weight of everything dissolved. All of this was worth it as long as her daughter was happy and healthy. The rest would work itself out.
“Well, hopefully Mommy passed her exam this morning and can get a real job now. When I do, you’re going to have to go to day care, Colby. It’s not going to be easy on either one of us, but I’ll find a good one and you’ll get to meet other children. You might even like it.”
Colby didn’t understand what she was saying, and Lil was happy about that. Thus far, she’d only chosen jobs that had allowed her to work only a couple of hours a day so she could spend more time with Colby; Abby or a friend had watched her when Lil had attended night classes. She’d doubled up on her course load at times so she could get her degree earlier, but now she wished she hadn’t. Things were about to change, and she wasn’t sure she was ready. Most likely, she’d work an eight to ten hour day depending on where she found employment. An administrative assistant had to be flexible and available to work the hours her boss required. It wasn’t going to be easy and it certainly wasn’t her dream job, but if she wanted to build a secure future for herself and her daughter-it would require some sacrifice.
None of her sketches had made it over in the move, and that was probably for the best. It was time to let go of her childhood fantasies and put all of her energy into more practical endeavors. Maybe if she had made better choices, worked harder to get scholarships or minded her own business more-maybe she would have gone to that art school and taken her modest raw talent and done something amazing with it. Looking back and wondering what might have been was a waste of time. Growing up was about realizing that what you want to do and what you have to do are often two very different things.
Like living in an apartment paid for by your sister’s lover.
A knock on the door interrupted her self-lecture.
Don’t let it be Jake.
Okay, please let it be Jake.
No, I’m not ready to see him again.
Lil opened the door and told herself that she wasn’t disappointed to see her friend, Alethea. As usual, Alethea was dressed in what she liked to call “casual chic.” Her clothes were trendy, but low-key, the kind most people wouldn’t remember later-tan cotton pants, a peach silk blouse. The only hint of the wild personality that lay beneath her deliberately bland attire stuck out from beneath her long pants; Alethea had a weakness for outrageously priced high heels.
Looking at her perfectly polished friend now, it was hard to believe they had ever stayed up all night eating pizza and watching horror movies together. Alethea’s long red hair was held back in a stylish pony tail that emphasized her delicate facial features and green eyes that Lil had spent half of her life envying.
She swept into Lil’s penthouse, scanning the place quickly before turning back to Lil and saying, “How is my favorite baby?”
Lil held Colby out for Alethea to take and cringed when her friend tossed her up into the air, sending the baby into a fit of giggles. When Colby’s amusement subsided, Alethea tossed her again and joined the laughter.
“Please don’t drop her,” Lil warned.
Her friend rolled her eyes dramatically and said to Colby, “Your mother is a worry wart now. You did that to her.” She wagged a finger in front of the laughing baby, tickling her with the finger and saying, “Who did it? You did it, little blondie.”
Lil led the way back to the seating area. As expected, Alethea went on a quick self-guided tour, returning to join Lil in the living room. She sat on one of the overstuffed chairs and bounced Colby on her knees. “Whew! It was actually difficult to get in here.”
Lil tucked her feet beneath her on her own chair, feeling the pinch of her pencil skirt and deliberately ignoring the discomfort. “Did you try ringing up from the front desk?”
“What fun would that have been?” Alethea made a face at Colby, laughing along with the child. “Do you know you have your own personal security detail in the back alley?”
“Apparently not very good security, if you got past them.”
“I haven’t met a security system yet that could keep me out.” Although Alethea was answering Lil’s questions, she was doing so in an exaggerated tone that sent Colby back into giggles.
“Have you forgotten…” Lil said.
“That was high school, Lil. I hadn’t realized my potential.” At Lil’s sour expression, she said, “Don’t make me apologize for it again. Geez, you get your friend arrested one time and they hold it against you forever.”
Laughing would only encourage her. Lil adjusted her position in her chair as one of her legs went numb. “I really wish you had gotten into the FBI. You need to be monitored.”
“They didn’t think they could reform me, but don’t worry, I’m making much more money freelancing my skills. So, what happened to you? Were you snatched from your house in the middle of the day and didn’t think it’s worth calling me about?”
Lil smoothed the hem of her skirt down to buy some time. “I wasn’t snatched,” she hedged.
“Seriously, are you under some sort of home arrest?”
Although she was tempted to say yes, she grudgingly admitted,“No, Dominic is worried that Colby and I might be in danger since my interview stirred up so much interest with the press.” Lil shuddered.
Her friend didn’t look surprised.“He’s right. Your face is everywhere right now. And your sister really could not have picked a more high profile boyfriend.”
“But I’m not…”
“It doesn’t matter if you have money. It would be the potential of what you’d be worth to Dominic.”
Lil imagined what he must have thought of her to send Jake to fix her. “This week, I’m sure that’s not very much.”
Alethea rolled her eyes. “I would have brought wine if I had known this was going to be a pity party. You know I hate it when you martyr out on me.”
Lil glared at her as you can only openly do at someone you’ve been best friends with for more than a decade.
Alethea was not concerned. “Glare all you want, but I’m likely to be the only one who won’t clock you in the head if you try to say how horrible it is to be forced into a life of luxury and leisure. How will you survive with around the clock maid service and an uptown address? No, no, I want to pay my own college loans off. You can’t make me take your money, Dominic.” Alethea mimicked Lil’s voice in the most unflattering way.
“Shut up. It’s not like that.” Lil smacked her hand down on the arm of her chair.
Alethea just met her eyes without a word.
Lil said, “Okay, I can see how this would look wonderful to some people, but I don’t want to owe anyone anything anymore. I’m so tired of being the one who doesn’t know, who can’t know, who everyone thinks can’t survive on their own. I’ve made mistakes. And I’m still making mistakes.” The memory of how easily she had fallen into Jake’s arms made her almost as uncomfortable as the realization that she longed for something more serious with him. She continued on, her pitch rising with each word. “Huge stupid mistakes. I admit it. But this doesn’t have to be me. I can change.”
At the show of emotion, Alethea sat forward, “What did you do?”
“Nothing,” Lil said and blinked back tears of frustration. Unsure if she could admit the fullness of her folly to even her closest friend.
“You might as well tell me now,” Alethea said, grinning. “You know I’ve studied Bauer interrogation techniques. I’m not afraid to use them on you.”
“Sometimes you scare me a little, Al.”
Her friend only laughed. “Spill it.”
Lil let her head drop back to the cushion behind her head. “I slept with Jake.”
One of Alethea’s hands shot skyward. “Hallelujah!”
Lil peeked out from beneath her mostly closed eyelids. “How can you say that?”
“Let’s see. My best friend gets dumped over a year ago by an asshole. She swears off men and goes from being someone who enjoys a good adventure now and then to a complete and miserable stick in the mud. The universe sends her not only one of the hottest men on the planet, but also one of the richest and she takes advantage of the opportunity. Yeah, I can see how bad I’m supposed to feel for you.” Alethea’s sarcasm was replaced by amusement. “At least tell me he was awful in bed.”
Lil blushed at the memory. “We didn’t make it to the bed.”
Alethea nodded and joked, “Okay, now I might hate you a little bit.” Her tone turned serious again. “Lil, you really need to lighten up and enjoy the ride.”
“Oh, I did,” Lil drawled and the two shared a laugh.
“Now, there is the Lil I know.”
Lil raised her head and both her eyebrows at that. “Are you calling me a slut?”
Her friend’s response was thick with sarcasm. “Yeah, because sleeping with two guys by the age of twenty five is everyone’s definition of a whore.” Her tone grew more serious. “Besides, who would care if you were one? Slut, whore…those are just words men use to judge what they cannot control. And, more specifically, they were the words your ex used when you proved to him that you could survive when he left you. Don’t let him have any place in your head.”
Lil left her seat to join Alethea on hers and simply hugged her. She really should have called her last night instead of spending hours chasing her own thoughts around. Al always knew just what to say. What’s better than a friend who knows all the ugly corners of your soul and loves you anyway?
Alethea hugged her back and then said, “So, details, details.”
Lil shrugged. “It was good, but it doesn’t really matter. It won’t happen again. I’m not his type.”
“Apparently.”
“No, seriously, we agreed that it was a mistake.”
Alethea shook her head in mock sadness. “You mean you said it first.”
Lil held her fear in. He would have said it if I’d waited. Sometimes the anticipation was worse than the actual desertion.
“Well, what did he say?” her friend prompted.
“He agreed that it was a mistake.”
“And then?”
“And then he left.”
One line appeared on Alethea’s forehead, a sign that she found something puzzling. “And you haven’t seen him since?”
Lil looked away. “He came back, made sure I had groceries and watched Colby so I could study for my exam.”
Alethea barked out a laugh. “Wow, he sounds like such a jerk. You are so right to feel bad about the whole experience.”
Lil didn’t expect her friend to understand. Alethea was used to getting any man she wanted. “He only came back because Dominic had asked him to make sure I had settled in.”
“Yeah, probably. Not because he’s hot for you and wanted to see you again.”
“It’s not like that, Alethea.”
Alethea turned Colby around on her lap and started bouncing her again. “Lil, I get why you are like you are. Your parents left you, Asshole left you, now you feel like your sister left you. You don’t want to care because you’re afraid this guy will leave you, too. I get it. But while you wallow in all that fear, you’re missing out on some life changing opportunities.”
“I have to be more careful. I have Colby to think of…”
“I respect that, but don’t you think that you’ve whipped yourself enough for one mistake?”
Lil was instantly furious. “She is not a mistake.”
Alethea smiled and handed Colby back to Lil. “Exactly. Remember that.” She stood and tucked her blouse pristinely back into her slacks. “Well, I’m off to test the security system for a new optical fiber laser company. I got the contract through that guy you referred to me. Thanks.”
Lil stood. “Alethea? Wait. Abby is having a huge party this weekend in New York and she wants me to go.”
“Why does this sound like a question? You know you should.”
It wasn’t easy to admit the truth, but Lil was nervous about the party. First, she didn’t think she could face Jake alone again. Second, what did she know about high class events? Abby may have transitioned to the world of the wealthy with seemingly little issue, but Lil didn’t know where to begin to prepare it. “Will you come with me? I can’t go there alone.”
Her friend looked dubious and said, “You know Abby isn’t wild about me.
Lil reached for Alethea’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll talk to her. I’m sure she’ll add you to the list if I ask.”
Alethea returned the squeeze absently, her growing excitement with some idea quickly overshadowed her concern. “Big party at Dominic Corisi’s place?”
“No at his…”
A huge smile spread across Alethea’s face. “Sounds like something that would have the very best security.”
Oh, I shouldn’t have said anything. “No, Al. Can’t you just be there for me like a normal friend? Just this once?”
“I’ll be there,” Alethea promised in a tone that did not make Lil feel any better.
“I mean it.” Lil looked her friend right in the eye, hoping her friend would heed her advice this one time. “Don’t try to circumvent his security. He takes his privacy really seriously. You could get hurt.”
Alethea straightened proudly, tossing her head in a way that reminded Lil of a wild horse. “Or I could get in and imagine the contracts I would pull in after that.”
Lil groaned. “I’m imagining many possible outcomes and none of them good.”
“I’ll keep you on speed dial, okay?” Alethea mimed dialing her number. “First sign of trouble I’ll pretend I’m lost and I’ll call you. Does that make you feel better?”
“Not really.” Lil sighed. “You’re crazy, you know that?”
“Lucky for me, that was a mutual prerequisite to this friendship.”
“Think you’re so funny, huh?” Lil pulled her friend close for a one-arm-hug.
Alethea returned the hug and gave Colby a quick kiss on the cheek. “See you in New York, Lil.”
Conceding to the fact that nothing was likely to stop her friend at this point, Lil said, “It’s at Dominic’s…”
Alethea interrupted Lil before she let herself out of the penthouse. “Don’t tell me. You know it’s more fun for me to figure it out myself. Oh, and call your damn sister.”
A few minutes past eight that night, there was another knock at the door. Lil looked down at her black cotton t-shirt and matching sweat shorts. She wasn’t dressed for company, she was dressed for settling down with the bowl of popcorn she’d just made and watching the sappy movie she’d planned to escape into.
Why does this place even have an intercom if no one is going to use it? Lil swung the door open.
Jake.
Beautiful, perfectly groomed Jake. The man had probably been born in a charcoal suit. Lil’s hand went to the back of her neck instinctively pushing at the curls she knew had already broken free of the loose knot she’d tied them back in.
He looked as irritated as he sounded. “I could be anybody. No security system is going to keep you safe if you open the door for anyone who knocks.”
She was tempted to tell him how his “security” had already failed once that day, but she held her tongue. She didn’t bother to curb her sarcasm. “Hi, Jake. It’s nice to see you, too. I thought you went back to New York.”
He scowled. “I did.”
“Did you forget something here?” she asked sweetly. Was it wrong to hope the man wasn’t perfect?
He shook his head and walked toward her with purpose. The hair on the back of Lil’s neck tingled and she bit her lip. There was something different about him tonight. Something both dangerous and incredibly hot at the same time.
She took a step back.
“Where is Colby?” he asked softly, prowling toward her.
“In bed for the night,” Lil said hoarsely. Exactly where I should be, she thought. Alone, she added for the benefit of her raging libido.
He advanced until they were so close that she could see the desire burning in his eyes. “I have responsibilities in New York. Meetings scheduled. Documents to prepare before the weekend. I don’t have time for this,” he said gruffly.
Lil swallowed nervously, feeling desire whip through her in response. Was he saying that she thought he was saying?
“But I’m here.” He reached out and cupped the back of her head, pulling her closer, tilting her head up to his.
Lil licked her lips.Yes, you are.
“I can’t concentrate in New York. All I can think about is this…” His head swooped down and he claimed her. His tongue slipped inside her lips and drew an instant and overwhelming response from every inch of Lil. He was savoring, devouring her and she couldn’t get enough of it. She welcomed him passionately. Her hands slid beneath his jacket and gripped the rippling muscles of his back. He put a hand on her behind and pulled her against him, positioning her against his excitement. “And this.”
Oh God, me too. Lil sucked in a breath as her body clenched and moistened. Still, she reached for some sanity. “Didn’t we agree that this was a mistake?”
He explored her neck with his lips, teasing just below her ear with the tip of this tongue. His hot breath added to her building excitement as she remembered how it had warmed her thighs and other areas of her body that were already pulsing and begging for his attention.
“You can send me away.” His strong hands negated his words, holding her, seeking out the entry beneath her clothing. “Say the word and I’ll go.”
I should.
Nothing about this made any sense.
He’d made no promises to her, but oddly that was what she found tempting. She wouldn’t have believed declarations of devotion. This was real. This was what men wanted and, at that moment, she couldn’t deny that it was what she wanted, too. She wanted to lose herself in the overwhelming sensations his nearness elicited, drown in the escape that this level of passion offered.
One of his hands slid beneath the back elastic of her shorts. “Look at me,” he commanded.
Lil had a flash of their first time together. Wonderful as it had been, he had given very little of himself, revealed even less. This time she wanted more. She would demand more.
“I have one condition to us doing this,” she said breathlessly and fingered the buttons on his shirt.
“Name it,” he growled.
“I want to play a game this time,” she said and peered up at him from beneath her lashes.
“A game?” His head pulled back. “I don’t do anything that involves restraint or pain.”
She slapped his chest playfully. “And you think I do?”
He leaned down to nuzzle her neck, “I have no idea.” His hand slid beneath her waistband again, this time also sliding beneath the back of her silk panties and closing on her hind cheek with a proprietorial squeeze. “But I want to know. I want to know everything about you.”
She smiled. “Perfect, then you’ll enjoy this game.” She stepped back and away from him. “Have you ever played Truth or Dare?”
“No,” he said and his frustration with her insertion of dialogue into what was a highly charged sexual moment was clear in both his facial expression and tone.
“Well, this is a variation of it. Truth or Strip. I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t feel comfortable answering it, you remove an article of clothing.”
He reached for her again, but she moved out of his reach.
“An article of your clothing,” she clarified.
“Wouldn’t it be nicer to simply let me explore you? I missed a few places last time and I’d like to rectify that.”
Tempting as that offer was, she moved even further away and shook her head. “I’ll start with an easy one. Do you have a middle name?”
“No,” he said and advanced toward her.
She skirted around the couch and, with the furniture safely between them, instructed, “Now it’s your turn. Ask me something.”
“Do you always have to make things more difficult than they have to be?” he said and took a step around the couch.
She retreated in the opposite direction. “A nice question, one that would help you know me better.”
He advanced again and said in a honey tone, “I am trying to know you better.”
This time she stood her ground, refusing to budge.
He held his distance although the heat in his eyes suggested that their game was exciting him. Forcing him to play by her rules was an incredible aphrodisiac-for both of them. He growled, “Did you pass your exam?”
“I think so,” she answered happily, loving how close he looked to ending this and taking her right there on the floor. Lil’s thighs quivered at the thought, anticipating wrapping around him and welcoming him into her.
When none of her clothing was removed, he said, “Let’s skip the game.”
“It gets better,” she assured him and knew that it would. Their first time had been incredible, and Lil was already wet and ready for him even though they had barely touched. Can you improve on incredible? She was more than a little willing to find out. “I wanted to give you an example. Now we can have a little fun. How old were you when you first had sex?”
“Seventeen,” he answered, looking slightly more interested in the game. “And you?”
“Twenty-one,” she said. Seventeen, huh? She’d have to ask for those details at another time. She didn’t want another woman in this moment. “How many partners have you had?”
He shrugged his jacket off.
“How about you?” he asked.
“One,” she said then quickly corrected herself, “Well, two if I count you.”
He didn’t like that comment very much, nor did he like that no clothing had been lost in the exchange. “Count me,” he growled.
Lil smiled. Ouch, was his ego that sensitive? “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” she asked.
“No,” he answered. “Do you pleasure yourself?”
“Of course,” she answered easily. “Do you?”
He removed his tie and was looking less pleased as the game continued. “This game isn’t fair. You’ll say anything.”
Let him stew a bit. Lil challenged, “That’s where you’re wrong. To know what I won’t say, you’ll have to get to know me better, won’t you?”
An odd expression flitted across his face, as if he’d realized that the game was so much more than a stalling tactic. Tonight he was going to have to earn the pleasure. She figured a man like him would love a good puzzle and she was right. He considered the situation for a moment and then inspiration curled his lips into a smile. “Were you thinking of me when you did it the last time?”
She slipped her shirt up over her head and dropped it on the floor behind her.
His smile widened.
“Are you dating anyone?” she asked.
“No,” he said simply and she believed him. “Are you?”
“No,” she said. Now onto something she’d been asking herself for weeks. “Why did you go bowling with me that first night?”
He looked like he was debating sharing or stripping, then he said, “You were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.”
She cocked a skeptical eyebrow. “You know this is a truth game, right?”
He stepped closer and caressed her cheek with one gentle hand. “I have no reason to lie.” He traced the edge of her cheek with his thumb, softly explored the curve of her lips and asked huskily, “Did I really misunderstand your intention on the island? Were you offering to yourself to me?”
Lil slid her shorts down so she could step out of them, tossing both behind her. He explored her newly exposed hips. “Where do your parents live?” she asked.
His hand stilled. “I don’t discuss my parents.” His reaction was so strong that it broke the mood for a moment.
Another question best discussed some other time. Lil decided to lighten the mood. “Your shirt then.”
His smile returned. He slowly unbuttoned it and tossed it behind him. “What are you most afraid of?”
Lil unsnapped her bra and let it drop to the floor. She heard the hiss of his quickly indrawn breath and reveled in being able to drive him to the edge.
“Have you ever been in love?” she asked, taking advantage of their intimacy.
“No,” he said, settling his hand on one of her breasts, rubbing his thumb across one of her already erect nipples. “Have you?”
His rhythmic circling made it suddenly difficult for her to focus on what he was asking. Her other breast tightened and yearned. She fought for control. “I thought I was once, but I was wrong.”
His hand stilled. “Colby’s father?”
She smiled sadly. “It’s my turn to ask a question.”
He leaned down and took her other eager breast into his mouth, circling it with his tongue in much the same way this thumb had teased her other. She gasped at his gentle nip and threw her head back with pleasure when the circling continued, in union, pausing periodically to rub or lick the tip. His mouth found its way to her collar bone and back up to her ear where he whispered, “He was a fool.”
She closed her eyes. “I was the fool.”
He pulled her full against him, wrapping both of his arms around her waist, settling bare chest against bare chest and waited until she dared to peer up at him again before he spoke. “No, you charge full ahead and you hold nothing back-but that doesn’t make you a fool.”
How had tenderness wormed its way into their exchange? Lil didn’t want this to matter because she didn’t want to care when he walked away. Still, she couldn’t help but ask, “Have you ever done that? Just jumped in…even when you knew you shouldn’t…because you couldn’t help yourself?”
“Yes,” he said, his eyes burned down into hers. “With you.” He kissed her lips lightly. “You drive me crazy, but I can’t stay away from you.”
“Take off your pants,” Lil commanded.
“That’s not a question.”
“It’s not an option either.”
He chuckled and bent to kiss her again, but she turned her head away. When he lifted his head in confusion she ran a hand over the stubble that was just beginning to show through on his otherwise perfectly smooth face.
She said, “Your pants.”
An excited flush spread up his neck and across his face. He removed the rest of his clothing with remarkable speed and returned to his initial position, this time his freed erection and pressing against her. He bent to remove her panties, trailing kisses down her stomach as he did.
Once she was completely unclothed, he knelt before her and held her still with a strong hand on either hip. His hands sought and worshipped every inch of her.
With a strong move, he lifted one of her legs and hooked it over his shoulder, opening her wide before him, an opportunity he took full advantage of with his mouth. Lil clutched at the back of his head when his tongue tasted and invaded. Each flick was strategic and sent her head sagging backward in ecstasy.
He stood and their kiss tasted of her own excitement, something that drove her over the edge and she gladly sank to her knees before him, returning the favor. Feeling him swell and jut against her suckling increased her already mind blowing fervor. She cupped him from below and rubbed the area at his base with her thumb, reveling at the moan that escaped him. The muscles of his thighs tensed beneath one of her hands. When she thought he could take no more, she stopped and moved her kisses to his stomach.
“You’re killing me,” he groaned.
“What do you want, Jake?” she asked, knowing the answer but needing to hear him say it.
He hauled her up to her feet and said, “I want to take you now, make you mine.”
She looked into his golden brown eyes and said, “Do it. Let go and just do it.”
He lifted her, repositioned her so that her legs wrapped around his waist, and entered her with one powerful thrust. She threw her head back with a cry of pleasure. He took two steps toward the wall and held her there, off the floor, as he pounded again and again, deeper and deeper.
A wave of warmth spread from deep inside of Lil and tingled outward through her, increasing and pulsing through her with each thrust. This was a taking that surpassed any she’d dreamt possible. There was no him, no her… only them and a wild feeling of freedom.
He came with a shudder as her own release had begun to ebb.
“Did you?” he asked and she bit her lip. Was silence a lie if it brought them both further pleasure?
He kissed her deeply and stayed within her.
Without hearing his request, she knew what he wanted. She tightened and released her inner muscles on him, finding a comfortable rhythm that not only brought him back to life within her, but also stimulated her in a new and wondrous way.
He slid himself out of her, picked her up and carried her to one side of the couch. He turned her and bent her over the large, cushioned arm of it. Lil looked over her shoulder at him and shuddered as his hands closed over her hips, holding her still while his ever hardening shaft teased her outer folds. He kissed the back of her neck, trailed kisses down her spine, his hot breath tickling as it excited. When he reached the curve of her buttocks with his lips, he straightened and placed a foot between hers and moved them apart impatiently.
He slipped a finger inside her and continued to kiss the back of her legs, the curve of her cheeks. In and out he pumped until she was clutching onto the couch with both hands and was oh so ready for him. He straightened and she felt him, fully erect again, graze her leg.
Then he was inside her again, one hand on either hip, moving her to meet him, building a rhythm between them that she could not and had no desire to fight. Their first coupling had been amazing, but he lasted even longer this time and her final orgasm was even more intense and devastating as it shook her. She came with a profane exclamation she could not contain and he joined her with one last deep thrust.
Withdrawing, he turned her to him, lifted her again, and sank onto the couch with her sideways on his lap.
“I’ll never look at this couch the same way again,” she joked into his bare chest.
“Ssssh,” he said, but he smiled.
In union, their breathing slowly returned to normal.
A thought came to him that tensed him slightly beneath her in an entirely different way than earlier. “I didn’t use a condom.” He groaned.
“Shit,” Lil said, sitting straight up in his lap. “You’re right.”
He rubbed a hand across his eyes as if trying to wipe away his confusion. “I’ve never forgotten before.”
She had, but that was why she’d gone an additional step. “Don’t worry, I’m on the pill.”
“It’s about more than that.” He absently played with the hair that spilled down her back.
“Do you have a disease I should know about?” she joked.
He shook his head and pulled her against his chest. “No, but not using one was completely irresponsible and I…”
This time she was the one who tensed. He was probably more worried about what he could catch from her than the reverse. “And you’re always responsible. Unlike me. I know. I get it.”
He soothed her like one would a child, running his hand through her hair gently and then cupped her chin. “I’m not judging you. I’m just questioning my own sanity.”
That didn’t make her feel much better.
“I’m not sure either option is very flattering,” she struggled to free herself from him, but he held her on his lap.
“What if something comes from today?” he asked in his oh-so-obnoxiously-rational tone.
Lil broke free of his hold and stood. “You mean, what if I get pregnant? Wow, you know how to kill a mood.”
What had felt so right a moment ago now made Lil feel vulnerable and defensive. She was in the process of putting her shirt back on when he stopped her by standing in front of her and taking both of her shoulders into his hands. “I’m serious.”
She lashed out. “So am I. If anything comes from today, it’ll be my concern, not yours.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Fear surfaced as anger. “We are not even dating. We’re just fucking.”
His face darkened. “You make it sound cheap.”
She struggled to get away, but he held her there, intent on making his message heard. “I would never leave you with a baby…my baby.”
“There is zero possibility that I would terminate a pregnancy.”
His hands gripped her shoulders tighter. “I know that. I would take care of you. You’d live with me.”
“Are you serious?” she joked. Jake’s steady gaze held hers. “Oh, my God, you’re serious.” Her heart pounded in her chest. “I’m not pregnant so we don’t have to have this conversation.”
“You could be and we do.”
Lil shook her head vehemently. “Even if you have super sperm and I’m already pregnant, there is no way I would move in with you like that.”
His hands loosened and massaged her shoulders gently. “You’re right. We’d have to get married.”
Lil cut in, “Stop. Stop right there. Let’s not go nuts. I’m not pregnant. We’re not getting married. This whole thing between us is just a…”
“Don’t say it,” he said, his hands stilling.
She stopped.
She met his eyes and then looked away, unable to decipher the emotions she saw churning there. “What happens if you don’t say it?” he asked softly.
She studied his broad, lightly haired chest.
“What happens if I don’t either?” he continued. “What if we just see where this goes?” He rubbed a thumb down her jaw pensively as if he were trying to solve an equation.
Her throat dried, making her first attempt at a rebuttal impossible.
“Let me stay tonight,” he suggested and Lil panicked.
Staying would lead to wanting to believe. Believing would only lead to heartache. Why prolong the process? Lil finished putting her shirt on and hastily slid back into her underwear. Jake was dangerous because he threatened the sensible path she’d chosen for herself. Why couldn’t she have met him back when she’d proudly thrown caution to the wind?
The universe had a cruel sense of humor.
“There is only one bedroom set up and the crib is in there.” She said and tossed his underwear and pants to him. “You can’t stay.”
“Come with me to New York,” he said as he stepped back into both, never taking his eyes off of her. “Not tonight, tomorrow. You and Colby can stay with me at my place until we figure this out.”
Tempting as it was, that wasn’t a life that Lil wanted for herself and her child. “I can’t do that, Jake. I know it doesn’t look like I am-but I’m really trying to make better decisions. For me, for Colby, for our future. Moving in with you is not a good decision.”
He bent to pick his rumpled dress shirt off the floor, donned it and began to button it absently. “I can take care of you-both of you. You’ll never want for anything.”
He offered so much and so little at the same time.
“You don’t understand yet, Jake. What I want can’t be bought for me. I want to look at myself in the mirror and respect who I see. I want to be a strong, independent woman so that Colby will grow up knowing what really matters in life.” She turned away from him. “And so far I’m not doing very well. What kind of example am I for Colby? I barely know you and look at us.”
He went to stand behind her. Touching her lower back with one warm hand. “Whatever is between us, Lil, it doesn’t change that you are a wonderful mother.”
Don’t be nice, Jake. I don’t want to like you.
“I wish I could believe that,” Lil mumbled.
Jake wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her gently back against him, talking softly into her ear. “I envy your daughter. She has a mother who loves her fiercely and unconditionally. That’s the gift you will give her. Wanting me doesn’t make you weak or dependent. And I’m not a little boy, Lil. You can’t drive me away with your sarcasm or change my mind about what I want. I don’t know what we have and I don’t know if it will last, but it’s not cheap, Lil.”
She looked back at him. “Then what is it?”
He was quiet for a moment, then said, “Do we need to label it for you to be comfortable with it? Call me a boyfriend. Call me a lover. I don’t care.”
Lil turned away again, removed his hands from her stomach and stepped out of his embrace. “I care. And I’m not looking for an empty label, either.”
He took one of her arms in his hand and turned her to face him. “What do you want, Lil?”
She shook her head and refused to look up at him. I want the stupid fairytale, but who could admit that? She wanted to be loved, needed, cherished-all the cornball stuff she vehemently denied. The best response she could give him was the truth. “More than this.”
“Do you want me to lie? Say something we both don’t mean yet?” His hand tightened on her arm.
Lil pulled her arm free. “Been there, done that.”
She stepped away, but he followed her, putting a hand beneath her chin and forcing her to meet his eyes. “I’m not your ex, Lil.”
Feeling cornered, she snapped, “No, you’re not. You’re not even my present. We’re nothing to each other except a bad decision. I’d like you to go now.”
“Lil-”
Like removing a band aide, Lil wanted the pain to come in one swift rip at a time of her choosing. She pushed against him with her words. “I mean it, Jake. We’re not good for each other. We’re too different. This…this attraction between us is something that is better just denied.”
“That’s what you really want?” He sounded almost sad.
“Yes, that’s what I want.”
“I’m not sorry I came back up here.”
Don’t be so damned sweet, Jake! It would be too easy to accept what little he was offering her and confuse his kindness with what she really craved from him. “I’m not either, but from now on we have to keep a distance from each other.”
He looked down at her like he wanted to kiss her again, but instead, he said, “This isn’t over.”
A question leapt out of her, as unplanned as it was quickly regretted. “Will you be at Abby and Dominic’s party this weekend?”
“Yes,” he said simply.
She bit her bottom lip to stop herself from saying more. She didn’t want to be happy to hear that they would see each other again.
I’m such an idiot.
She walked to the door and opened it.
He followed her, but stopped in front of her. He leaned in and gave her a deep kiss, the kind that made her want to retract everything she’d just said and find a babysitter for the night. She sagged against him.
He put her back gently. “I’ll see you at the party.”
“Yes,” she croaked.
“Call me if you change your mind,” he said and she hated that she wasn’t able to hide her surge of attraction from him.
“I won’t,” she said with determination.
After one final, light kiss to her cheek, he smiled, walked through the door and said, “You might.”
She closed the door behind him and stood there for a moment, just holding the handle to steady herself.
I can’t.