Cynthia sat in the middle of the living room, surrounded by boxes of pictures. “They could have put these in albums,” she said, sorting the photos into piles.
Her mother had an open album in her lap. “At least this way, we can choose what goes where. What do you think, maybe three of these?” She held up photos from a cruise vacation.
“That sounds right.”
At Betsy’s suggestion they had collected all the loose photos they’d found in the house and were putting them together for Colton. She and her mother sat in the white-on-white living room at David’s house. The floor-to-ceiling windows provided an unobstructed view of the city below. Lights twinkled in the night.
From a distance of halfway across the house came the faint sounds of beeps, crashes and laughter. She didn’t know how Jonathan was surviving, but she would bet that her brothers were in ten-year-old heaven.
Speaking of brothers…Cynthia glanced at the handful of pictures she held. They were all of David as he grew up, or David with his parents, or David at school. So far she hadn’t come across a single snapshot that included Jonathan. Not even the posed family portraits. It was as if he’d never existed. Brad and Brett were twins, which made them closer than most brothers. Even so she doubted there was more than one or two pictures of the boys alone. In family pictures, they were always together.
“Did you know the Steele boys went to prep school?” Betsy asked, flashing a picture of David in a school uniform.
Cynthia smiled. “I didn’t know for sure, but I’m not surprised. It’s the rich, you know,” she said in a mock aristocratic accent. “They require a different sort of education.”
“Maybe. I’m not one to speak ill of the dead, but if you ask me, David Steele looks like he didn’t get enough discipline when he was growing up.”
Cynthia thought about all Jonathan had told her. She considered his confidences private and hadn’t shared any of them with her mother. “I suspect you’re right.”
They looked up as they heard footsteps on the marble floor. Jonathan walked in. He’d changed when he’d come home to get her that afternoon and wore a sweater over jeans. While she liked him wearing anything…or nothing…she had to admit that he had the kind of body made for faded denim. The fabric hugged his narrow hips and butt and made her remember how he’d looked late last night when they’d both been naked and making love.
“Okay, I know they each had a big serving of lasagna, not to mention garlic bread, less than two hours ago,” he began when he entered the room. “But they’re swearing that if they don’t eat again, they’re going to die.”
Jonathan came to stop behind the white sofa across from them. He settled one hip on the back and gave Betsy an engaging grin. “I told them I would come and plead their case.”
Her mother laughed. “They know I brought brownies for dessert and they’re afraid I’m going to forget. Yes, they may each have one, but make them eat in the kitchen. They make a mess.”
“Consider it done,” he said and turned to leave. Then he faced them again. “I don’t mean to sound presumptuous,” he began slowly and shoved his hands into his pockets. “But there are some nice crystal and silver pieces in the hutch in the dining room and in the butler’s pantry. If either of you see anything you’d like, feel free to take it. I’m not keeping any of that.”
“Thank you, Jonathan,” Betsy said. “I don’t have much use for anything too formal, but I’ll give it all a once-over before we leave. You’re more than kind.”
“I’d like you to take whatever you like. Or all of it.” He paused, as if he was going to say more, then he left.
Cynthia returned her attention to the pictures she held. “We should go look, Mom. I’m guessing all the stuff is spectacular, even if you don’t want any of it.”
Her mother didn’t answer. Cynthia glanced up and saw the older woman studying her. “What?” she asked.
Betsy frowned. “I’m not sure. I’ve just had this feeling all evening. As if there was something I didn’t know. And I think I’ve figured it out.”
Cynthia wasn’t sure what her mother was talking about. “You mean because Jonathan wants us to take anything we like from the house? I know it sounds strange, but he wasn’t really close to his brother.” She pressed her lips together, wanting to be careful not to give away any secrets. “Jonathan has had several bad family experiences. He doesn’t think the way we do about heirlooms or family treasures. He’s really going to sell everything and put the money in trust for Colton.”
Her mother shook her head. “That’s not what I mean,” she said and placed the open album on the coffee table in front of her. “You’re involved with him. A few days ago you hinted that you’d fallen for him but this is more than a crush.”
It wasn’t a question. Cynthia reminded herself that she was well over twenty-one and that she hadn’t done anything wrong. Even so she felt herself blushing. “I don’t know that I’d call it involved. We’re…” Her voice trailed off, then she decided she might as well tell the truth.
“I love him,” she said. “I don’t think he loves me back, but we’re friends and he cares about me.”
Her mother blinked. “I’ll admit I’d expected a lot of things, but not that. Love. Are you sure?”
She wished she weren’t. Loving Jonathan wasn’t easy. He was a sophisticated man who traveled in circles she’d never been a part of.
“As sure as I can be. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I know he’s not perfect, but who is? I admire many things about him.” She frowned. “It’s not about money or power, Mom. I swear. If anything, that stuff makes me nervous.”
Her mother dismissed the comment with a wave. “I know that. You weren’t raised to find those things important. Of course no one wants to be homeless, but once the basic needs are met, finances don’t enter into it.”
Her mother leaned back into the sofa and sighed. “But Jonathan Steele. I don’t know. He’s so…not like us. He’s an emotionally closed man. If you can be the one to open him up, if he comes to truly trust you, then I believe he’ll be a good and faithful partner. But I don’t know that anyone has the power to reach him.” She fixed her gaze on her daughter. “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“I don’t want that, either,” Cynthia agreed, knowing it was a very real possibility. “Unfortunately it’s a little late to be worrying about that. I’m sort of up to my neck already.” She set down the pictures she’d been holding and sighed. “It’s not just Jonathan, either. It’s Colton. I know better than to get emotionally involved with one of the babies, but I have to admit he’s stolen my heart.”
She looked at her mother. “Just to make my life interesting, we’re supposed to start interviewing permanent nannies soon. I got a call from his secretary this morning arranging our schedules so we could coordinate everything. I wanted to scream at her that losing Colton would hurt too much, but I can’t. I have to be a professional.”
The pain from that conversation returned. “I don’t know what to do,” she admitted in a quiet voice. “I’m not sure how to survive losing them both.”
Her mother slid toward her and gathered her close. “I know. I wish I could say or do something to make it better, but I can’t. You’re going to have to see this to the end.” She touched Cynthia’s face. “However this turns out, you know I’m here for you, don’t you?”
Cynthia nodded. She knew she was too old to need her mother’s approval or embrace to make her feel better, but she couldn’t deny the comfort the hug brought her.
Betsy slid back to her side of the sofa. “It might all work out,” she said. “You can’t be sure yet. And if it doesn’t, you’ll get through what you have to. I’ve learned that lesson myself.”
Cynthia thought about all her mother had been through-being thrown out by her parents when she was only eighteen and the mother of a three-year-old, the loss of her husband-and knew that having her relationship with Jonathan fail wasn’t even close.
“You’re right, of course,” she said, feeling slightly ashamed. “I couldn’t miss Jonathan as much as you have missed Frank.”
“Why not?” her mother asked. Betsy smiled sadly. “If you love him as much as I loved Frank, then you’ll miss him as much. I wish you wouldn’t, but those kinds of feelings don’t die easily.”
Returning footsteps interrupted them. Cynthia forced herself to smile pleasantly at Jonathan so he wouldn’t suspect that they’d been talking about anything important. Fortunately he didn’t seem to notice the charged atmosphere in the room.
He stood behind the sofa across from them and shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Here’s the thing,” he said. “I was wondering if there was a reason the boys didn’t have a video-game player at home. I mean do you think it’s a bad thing, that it will keep them from their homework or playing outside?”
He swallowed and avoided both their gazes. “It’s just that they’re really having a good time and I’m getting rid of it anyway and I thought maybe if you didn’t mind, they could take it home with them. It has a really nice carrying case and lots of games. Oh, and a Mute button.”
Betsy laughed. She tucked her short blond curls behind her ears. “I don’t have any moral opposition to video games,” she said. “Brad and Brett aren’t the type of kids to sit in front of the television all day. They have too much energy. You’re very kind and we appreciate that.”
He grinned. “Great. Can I tell them? Or do you want to?”
“Go ahead.”
“Thanks.” He turned on his heel and left the room.
Betsy gazed after him and sighed. “They already look up to him,” she said. “This is going to give him God-like stature in their eyes. I can’t decide if that’s good or bad.”
Cynthia was pleased that Jonathan seemed to be getting along so well with her brothers. “He’s a terrific role model for them. He’s honest and smart and he’ll never lead them astray. I know he’s not Frank, Mom, but no one would be.”
Betsy didn’t look convinced. “You’re seeing him through love’s eyes. That gives everyone a glow. I’m not so convinced. Of course if he breaks your heart, I’ll have to hate him on general principle.”
Cynthia appreciated that her mother was worried about her, but she didn’t think it was going to help. Either she and Jonathan could work things out or they couldn’t. “I believe in him,” she said firmly, but as she spoke the words she wasn’t sure if she was convincing her mother, or herself.
Jonathan glanced in his rearview mirror. “You all right back there?”
There wasn’t a reply. Not a big surprise, he told himself. After all, Colton’s verbal abilities barely stretched to gurgling. Still the baby waved his arms in excitement, as if the thought of being in Jonathan’s car was a treat beyond measure.
“Just wait a few years until you’re big enough to sit in the front seat,” he said. “That’ll be even better.”
Colton grinned, then turned away as a large truck caught his attention. He pointed and made his favorite raspberry sound. Jonathan turned right at the corner and pulled into the parking lot.
Jonathan found himself driving more slowly than usual as he maneuvered through the maze of cars, just as he’d been extra careful on the twenty-minute drive from his house to Cynthia’s office. He’d always considered himself an excellent driver, but having a baby in the back seat had made him more cautious than usual.
“Next thing you know I’ll have one of those stupid Baby On Board stickers on the back window,” he muttered to himself as he turned off the ignition and got out of the car. He could only imagine the expression on his Mercedes dealer’s face when he drove in for his yearly service. Jonathan Steele, a father? Not likely.
“That’s why we’re getting you a nanny,” he told Colton when he opened the back door and reached in to unfasten the infant from his car seat. “We’re going to find a nice lady to come live in the house and take care of you. Like Cynthia has been, but this will be a more permanent arrangement. Sort of a mom for hire.”
Colton seemed more interested in the pen in his jacket pocket than by the conversation. Jonathan pulled the writing instrument from harm’s way, then tucked the baby securely in his arms. “It’s up here,” he said, walking toward the four-storey building.
Mother’s Helper had a good-size office suite on the third floor of the building. He entered the reception area. A young woman behind a counter looked up and smiled.
“You must be Mr. Steele. Cynthia is expecting you. If you’ll follow me?”
Jonathan glanced at the five women seated in the waiting area. They were probably the candidates for the job. None of them especially appealed to him, but then he reminded himself that good looks weren’t important. What he wanted was a trained professional who would provide consistent, loving care for his nephew. Still there weren’t even any warm grandmother-types. Just four straight-backed older women in dark dresses and a younger woman who barely looked out of her teens. She caught Jonathan’s glance and smiled welcomingly. His brain screamed trouble.
He followed the receptionist down a carpeted hall. The office décor was understated and elegant, done in various shades of green. At the end of the hall the receptionist paused, knocked on a closed door, then pushed it open to admit him.
Jonathan stepped into Cynthia’s office. He hadn’t known what to expect. The large room had a view of the rear parking lot and several trees. There was a fabric-covered sofa to the left, three bookcases and a big L-shaped desk in front of the window. Cynthia sat behind the latter. She scribbled something on a pad of paper while she talked on the telephone. She glanced up briefly, smiled at both him and Colton, then returned her attention to the call.
“I’m afraid I have to go now, Mrs. Beech, but someone from the office will be in touch by the end of the day.” She listened. “Yes. I understand completely. Goodbye.”
As she hung up, she rose to her feet. “Hi. How are my two favorite guys?”
Before Jonathan could speak, Colton caught sight of her. Or maybe it had been the sound of her voice. Either way the baby went crazy, cooing and wriggling and holding out his arms in obvious delight.
Cynthia came around the desk and took Colton from him. “Goodness. I’ve only been gone a few hours. Did you really miss me that much?”
Apparently Colton had because he giggled as soon as Cynthia cuddled him close. She kissed the top of his head, then looked at Jonathan. “You found your way here all right?”
“Sure. It was easy.” He glanced around her office, then motioned at the framed McKnight prints on her walls. “Very nice.”
She laughed and led the way to her sofa. “I doubt that it comes close to anything in your office, but it works for me.” She set Colton on her lap. “I’m sure you noticed the candidates in the waiting area. There are five altogether. Today’s interviews are preliminary. Our goal is to try to weed out the ones that aren’t going to work and to get to know the ‘possibles.”
She continued to talk about interview questions and technique, but he wasn’t listening. He found his attention captured by the way Colton relaxed in her arms and gazed up at her with adoration.
“How is he going to react to all this?” he asked, interrupting her and pointing at the baby. “Hasn’t he already had too many changes in his life?”
Cynthia glanced down at his nephew and smiled. Her expression softened and her gaze took on a loving, maternal look he’d never noticed before.
“Colton is a sweetheart,” she said. “He’s had a lot of traumas in his life, but he’s basically a happy, affectionate child. That means he’ll probably accept the new nanny easily and that she’d quickly adore him. There is always a time of transition. The way we handle it here is that the temporary nanny continues to spend time with the baby during a transitionary period, easing in the permanent caregiver. I thought that’s how you and I would handle this. That is if you don’t object.”
“Sounds like you’ve thought of everything,” he said truthfully.
She grinned. “Hey, that’s part of my job.”
In these surroundings, Cynthia was in charge. This was her business, her turf. Although he’d known in his head that she owned a company, he’d never thought about her in those terms. In his mind she’d been the too-young woman who had invaded his life and tempted him beyond reason. But she was much more than that. How come he’d never noticed before?
“I didn’t mean to keep you from your work,” he said. “You’ve been trapped in my house for several weeks when you should have been here.”
“I’ve come in a few times,” she said. “I’ll admit that I take less in-home assignments now than I did when I was just starting, which is too bad. I really enjoy working with the babies. So this has been a lot of fun for me. Please don’t worry that my company has suffered. I have an excellent staff who have kept things running smoothly.” She glanced at her watch. “Speaking of which, are you ready to start the interviews?”
He nodded, even though he hated the idea of speaking to all those people about his nephew. He didn’t want anyone in his house but Cynthia. However that wasn’t an option. Obviously Cynthia wasn’t broken up about leaving his employ, so why should he think he’d miss her? He could play the game as well as anyone. In fact, he could play it better.
The last candidate stepped out of the office and closed the door behind her. Cynthia leaned back in her seat and sighed. She felt as if she’d run a marathon. “That’s the last of them,” she said.
“I would say we have two serious possibilities,” Jonathan said, staring at his pad of notes. “I hadn’t thought we’d get so far on the first round, but I’m impressed by the people you brought me and their qualifications.”
Cynthia nodded with an enthusiasm she didn’t feel. Any one of the six nannies would have been fine. As Jonathan said, two of them had been excellent matches. Between their qualifications and their immediate rapport with Colton, they were obvious front-runners. Which should have made her very happy. After all, that meant her work at the Steele house was nearly complete. She could start thinking about getting back to her own life.
Except nothing about this afternoon felt right. She hated the thought of someone else living in her room, taking care of Colton and being with Jonathan. Intellectually she knew that he wasn’t going to start an affair with the new nanny. The fact that the two he liked best were at least fifteen years older than he was the least of it. He didn’t go around preying on the hired help. Their relationship was a quirk of fate or something. But she hated the thought that she was so very replaceable.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
She shook her head even as she had the silliest urge to burst into tears. Over the past week or so she’d spent a lot of time searching her heart to define her feelings about Jonathan. She accepted that she loved him, but she’d wanted to explore his accusation that she’d been willing to leave her career in Chicago to come home because she was afraid.
What she’d decided was he was wrong. She’d enjoyed her job and her life in the city. When her mother had needed her, she’d come back without a second thought because it was the right thing to do and because she wanted to be close to her family. But none of it had been about running away.
She’d also realized that her feelings for Jonathan weren’t a simple crush. Her love was real and deep and it wasn’t going to fade anytime soon. Which didn’t change the fact that he had other plans for them. He seemed almost happy to be replacing her.
“Cynthia, what is it?” he asked, leaning forward on the sofa. She sat in her desk chair, which she’d pulled around to face the sofa.
She started to deny anything was wrong, then changed her mind. She stared at him, taking in the tailored suit and handsome features. At one time he’d been an imposing stranger, but now he was as dear to her as anyone else she loved.
“How can you let me go?” she asked softly.
He frowned. “I don’t understand. We always knew your employment was temporary. I’m a little concerned about Colton’s adjustment, but I think we can make that work.”
He was being completely professional…and ripping her heart out at the same time.
“I’m not talking about Colton. I’m referring to us. Our relationship. Once you have a new nanny, I’ll be moving out. Is that a natural breaking point for you?” She was able to keep her voice calm and steady, despite the tightness in her throat. She didn’t want to show weakness in front of him and she certainly didn’t want to cry.
He leaned back into the sofa. “I don’t know,” he said simply. “What do you think should happen?”
She hadn’t realized how much she’d been hoping for until it wasn’t there. She shivered as if the temperature in her office had dropped fifty degrees.
“I thought I mattered,” she murmured, unable to look at him. She studied the hem of her dress as if it was the most interesting thing in the room. The dark wool was smooth and perfectly pressed. “I thought-” She had to clear her throat to go on. “I fell in love with you, Jonathan.”
She looked up in time to see him flinch as if she’d struck him. He swore. “Don’t say that. I don’t want you to love me.”
She gave a harsh laugh that had nothing to do with humor and everything to do with pain. “That’s right. You wanted to have sex with me, but you don’t want to care about me.”
He rose to his feet and glared at her. “It’s not like that and you know it.”
“Then what is it like?”
He ran his fingers through his hair, then turned and crossed to the window. “Dammit, Cynthia, don’t care about me. I’ve told you before, I’m not worth it. I’ll only hurt you.”
“You are hurting me, but that doesn’t change the truth.”
He spun to face her. “I don’t want this truth.”
She couldn’t stop the tears that sprang to her eyes. Pain filled her, a sharp, breath-stealing pain that made her feel as if she were being turned inside out.
“I can’t give you whatever it is you think you want,” he continued.
“Why do I have to want something?”
“Everyone does. You wouldn’t be telling me this if you didn’t have an expectation. What is it? Marriage? You want the name and money?”
His cold, ugly words tore at her like wild dogs. She felt bits of herself being flung around the room. Worse, he was right. She did have expectations and wants. Until that moment she hadn’t realized that by loving him, she’d allowed herself to believe in the fantasy. That they would be together forever. Her, Jonathan and Colton. She’d imagined the children they would have together. A family of her own.
But he wouldn’t want to hear that from her. Already he looked panicked, as if the door was too far away and he couldn’t wait to be gone.
“I thought we had something special,” she said. “I’m sorry that my loving you is so uncomfortable.”
“There is no love,” he growled. “It’s a convenient thing to say when people are trying to manipulate each other. My mother and father were supposed to be in love and look what happened there. She didn’t have any trouble falling in love with someone else and running off. My own brother should have loved me, but he tried to kill me, instead. There is no love. Just excuses.”
He radiated anger and pain. A different kind from her own, but very real. She looked at the face that had become so familiar to her. At the shape of his mouth and the color of his eyes. She knew his body well enough to find him blindfolded, guided by scent alone. She knew how to please him in bed, how to make him laugh. She didn’t understand the complexities of his world, but they were becoming clearer all the time. She thought she’d earned his trust and had perhaps claimed a small piece of his heart, but she’d only been fooling herself.
The truth was, she’d lost him…assuming she’d ever had him at all.
She rose to her feet. “I can’t agree with anything you’re saying about love,” she told him. “I know you’ve had some horrible things happen in your past. I also know it doesn’t have to be like that. I am familiar with the workings of my heart, and I do love you with a strength that can’t be explained away. I apologize for any discomfort my feelings have caused you. That was never my intent. I had h-hoped-”
For the first time her voice faltered.
“I had hoped it would be different,” she managed to say after taking a deep breath. “But even if this is how it ends, I won’t regret loving you. Not for a minute.”
Jonathan had his back against the wall and there was nowhere to go. If they hadn’t been on the third floor he would have considered climbing out the window and escaping that way.
He couldn’t bear to be in the same room with her. Everything she said hit him below the belt, landing on his gut like a sucker punch. He felt as if he’d been run over by a train. He had to make her stop talking.
“Despite everything,” she said with a smile that didn’t come close to reaching her eyes. “I still think you’re a wonderful man.”
Her inherent belief, in spite of all he’d said, nearly drove him to his knees. Didn’t she realize that he’d survived all the crap in his life by learning to stand on his own? He didn’t need anyone else, and that solitary existence had kept him safe. But now she wanted to change the rules. She wanted to invite herself into his world, his life, his very being and expose him. Once she got what she wanted, she would have all the power. If he needed her, then she could leave. If he let himself believe she loved him, then she could destroy him by taking that love away.
Because she wasn’t telling the truth. She did want something from him. She wanted him to love her back. She wanted him to be so desperately in love with her that he would offer her his heart and soul.
What she didn’t know, and he would make sure she never knew, was that with her, he’d allowed himself to see the possibilities. The “what if” of the future had touched him with warmth and light. But he knew better than to believe. His cold, empty world was a safe place from which to operate.
“Whatever you take away from this,” she said quietly. “I want you to know that you’ve been an amazing part of my life. You are everything I thought you’d be. Good and kind, intelligent and patient. You will be a terrific father to Colton.”
He stared at her. She wore a pale blouse tucked into a wool skirt. With her hair pinned up, she looked professional and capable. Not the innocent he knew her to be. He had to get rid of her before she convinced him it was safe to try. He knew the cost of losing love. He’d learned that lesson when he lost both parents within hours of each other. His mother had walked away without giving him a second glance and his father had turned his back on him as punishment for being his mother’s son. David’s attitude had only reinforced the lesson.
Cynthia was nothing but a dangerous fool.
“You can’t love me,” he said coldly. “Because you don’t know the first thing about me. I’m a lowlife bastard. You should have learned that a long time ago.” He walked toward her and stared directly into her face.
“I want you out of my house today,” he said clearly. “I’ll expect all traces of you gone by the time I return from work. You will provide me with a suitable replacement. In return I will decide on a permanent nanny for Colton by the end of the week.”