“Yo, baby girl, what’s poppin’ wit’ that threesome? Or were you just runnin’ ya dick sucka?” I ask as soon as Falani picks up. I get outta bed, stretchin’. I was ’posed to get at her weeks ago ’bout settin’ this ep up. She probably thought I forgot. I yawn, glancin’ over at the clock: 9:24 A.M.
I spark a blunt. Take two puffs, holdin’ the smoke in my lungs, then head to the bathroom to drain the snake.
“Well, damn. It’s taken you long enough to finally get back to me. But no, I wasn’t fronting. It’s a go. All you gotta do is get here. My girl was asking me the other day if I had heard from you. She’s definitely with it. After I told her about you, that’s all she’s been talking about.” I exhale. “We’re waiting on you.”
When I’m done pissin’, I wash my hands, starin’ at myself in the mirror. You’se a sexy, black muhfucka, I think, dryin’ my hands. “Oh, aiight. That’s what it is. What’s the chick’s name, again?” I walk back into the bedroom. I throw on a pair of sweats and a hoodie, then sit on the edge of the bed to slip on my Nikes.
“Lydia.”
I grab my car keys and head downstairs, walkin’ into the kitchen. “Oh, aiight. She look good?”
“Yeah, she’s decent-looking.” I frown. When a chick says another chick is only decent-lookin’, that means one of two things for me: She’s either fly as hell and bein’ hated on, or she’s related to a damn gorilla.
“Don’t have me layin’ up wit’ nobody lookin’ like Shrek, or some wildebeest ’n shit.”
She laughs. “She’s far from either, trust me.”
“Oh, aiight. Just makin’ sure. So when we makin’ it pop?”
“You tell me. You’re the one who seems to have the busy schedule.”
“Next Friday,” I tell her, lookin’ at the mini calendar on the ’fridge door. I open it and take out a bottle of Dasani water, open it, then guzzle it down.
“Okay, perfect. I’ll let her know.”
“Bet. You gonna eat that ho’s pussy while I fuck you from the back, right?”
She laughs. “I don’t know about all that. I might let her eat mine, but I don’t think I can stomach licking another woman’s pussy. And why she gotta be a ho?”
’Cause that’s what the fuck she is. I suck my teeth, iggin’ the question. “Yo, go ’head wit’ that corny shit. Talkin’ ’bout you ain’t eatin’ no pussy. Fuck outta here.”
She huffs. “OhmyGod…how is that being corny? Would you be down to suck a nigga’s dick, if I wanted a threesome with you and another dude?
Is this cum-breath ho fuckin’ serious, askin’ me some dumb shit like that? She knows damn well no real nigga suckin’ another nigga’s joint, period! “You musta bumped ya damn head. Hell muthafuckin’ no! I ain’t on that homo shit.”
“Hmmm…but, you think I am.”
“Yo, ain’t nuthin’ homo ’bout two freaky broads gettin’ it in,” I tell her, lockin’ up Pops’ spot and then gettin’ in my ride. “I think that shit’s sexy as fuck, watchin’ a fly-ass chick munchin’ another bitch’s snapper while throwin’ her fatty up on this big-ass dick. It’s time you take ya friendship to the next level. Step outta ya box, baby, and let it do what it do. Slurp ya girl up while I stretch ya back out. I’m tellin’ ya; it’ll make y’all’s bond tighter.” I spark a blunt, then take two pulls, slowly blowin’ it outta the side of my mouth. Fuck the dumb shit she talkin’. I already know what it is. Wit’ a few drinks and the right mood, this freak bitch’ll be lappin’ at the clit.
“Yeah, whatever.” She laughs. “That’s what your mouth says.”
“Nah, baby…it’s what I’m tryna get ya mouth to do, but you wanna be on some extra-dumb shit.”
“I can’t believe you’re serious.”
“Hell muthafuckin’ yeah, I’m serious. Oh, so what you thought; I was gonna lay back and let both of you suck my dick, then fuck you both one at a time and that was gonna be aiight wit’ me?” I ask, slowin’ down to pay the toll. Crook-ass muhfuckas, I think, handin’ the attendant a twenty. A fuckin’ dolla to ride the muthafuckin’ highway. That’s some real bullshit. I take my change, then pull off.
“I told you, she can eat me. Other than that, I’m not making any promises.”
“Nah, baby, I ain’t that kinda dude. I need a lil’ more than that. Seein’ two chicks freak is what bricks my dick. I wanna see you sixty-ninin’ that shit.”
“Hmmm…and what am I getting out the deal?”
“The best of both worlds,” I say, laughin’.
“Yo, what the fuck, asshole?!” I snap on this dumb-ass cracker bitch who keeps ridin’ his brakes in front of me. “Oh, my bad,” I say, gettin’ into the next lane. “This dumb fuck in front of me, tryna cause a damn accident out here.” I drive up alongside the car, ready to ice-grill whoever it is. But, I shake my head when I see it’s an old-ass woman wit’ her seat way up to the steerin’ wheel. The dumb bitch is practically sittin’ up on the dashboard. “So, you tryna let a nigga taste ya girl’s pussy on ya lips or what?”
She finally says maybe; that she’ll think about it.
I grin, finishin’ up my blunt, then tossin’ it out the window. “Yeah, baby, you do that. I’ma see what’s really good when I come up next week.”
“Cool.”
“Yo, I’ma need a few dollas, though. You got me?”
She sighs, pausin’. “Listen, I’m not really into making it a habit of giving a man money, especially one I’m not dealing with.”
“Oh, aiight, I feel you. It is what it is,” I say, knowin’ she’s talkin’ that shit for now. But just like I had her peelin’ off paper the last time, she’ll be doin’ it again—real soon. Believe that. In the meantime, where one won’t, two more will. So it’s all good. “Look, baby, let me get up off this line. I’ll get at ya next week.”
The week flies by and a muhfucka’s been real low key for the most part of it, chillin’ here at my own spot. Hittin’ the gym hard, and not really fuckin’ much; just straight chillin’. Oh, and gettin’ brain a few nights here and there, but nuthin’ major. And believe it or not, I turned my cell off for two days, so I didn’t have to be bothered wit’ anyone. When I finally turned the shit back on, my mailbox was full. Most of the calls were from Vita, Akina, Maleeka, Shalonda, and Tamera’s smutty ass. You already know I ain’t hittin’ her back. And the rest of ’em can wait ’til a muhfucka’s beat to fuck wit’ ’em.
My cell rings. I peep the caller ID, and smile. It’s Cherry.
“What it do, pretty baby?”
“It bangs my pussy up until it whistles, and fucks a horny woman like me into a coma.”
“Damn, you tryna get shit poppin’, I see. You ready for this dick, huh?”
“I’ve been ready. And I’m long overdue. Speaking of which, I bought your ticket. And I wired you a few dollars to hold you over until you get here. The money is already there waiting for you.”
I grin. See, this is what I like ’bout Cherry. She hooks a muhfucka up wit’out me havin’ to go through a whole buncha extras. No questions asked, she makes shit happen. And she doesn’t stress a muhfucka out tryna keep tabs on ’im. “Oh, word? Good lookin’ out. You know I really ’preciate you, baby.”
“Well, hopefully you’ll give me at least two weeks to show me how much.”
Two weeks? What the fuck?! “Damn, baby…you know I can’t leave my moms home alone that long. I told you she’s in a wheelchair.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it’s fucked up sayin’ shit like that ’bout Moms and all, but hey…it is what it is.
“Oooh, big daaaaddy,” she coos into the phone, “don’t do me like that. I need you.”
“Oh, word?”
“Mmmm, you have no idea how bad. Besides all the shopping we’ll do, imagine two weeks of you fucking me deep in my tight ass, my wet pussy and down in my throat anywhere, anytime, as many times as you want.”
I almost laugh. This bitch knows damn well she ain’t ready to have me punchin’ up her tonsils. “Damn, baby, you tryna get my dick hard.”
She laughs. “Is it the shopping, or the idea of fucking that’s doing it?”
“Both,” I tell her, laughin’. “And right now, my shit’s on brick.”
“Mmmmph, just how I like it. Give me two weeks with you, baby. I promise you I’ll make it well worth your while.”
“Damn, baby, you makin’ this hard for me to say no to. But…”
“No, ‘buts,’” she says, cuttin’ me off. “Before you say anything else about leaving your mother alone unattended, you need to know I’ve wired you enough money for you to hire someone to stay with her while you’re gone. So please. No excuses. I wanna see you. And I want you all to myself for two whole weeks.”
She tells me she’s hit a nigga up wit’ five gees, and will keep my pockets lined while I’m there. Even though two weeks is a bit extra, you already know a muhfucka like me ain’t tryna pass up on an opportunity to fuck and shop, then fuck and shop some more. And still come off wit’ some paper. So a muhfucka’s gonna do what he’s gotta do.
“I’m all yours, baby,” I finally tell her. “I’m all yours.”